discussing with ruth about staying at izzy's next saturday unaccompanied by adults. at the suggestion of playing strip poker -- "by the end the list will be as follows. naked: billy, annie, xavi and theo knott. semi-clothed: me, you, izzy, joe rose. fully clothed: henry. ... naked and running around screaming: indy." LOLOL, that brought up the most hilarious picture in my head. i swear i love that girl so much sometimes.

i'd forgotten how good it could be to feel alive. was woken up by my phone buzzing this morning, at half 10. caught the train into town to meet xavi for a few hours, not totally sure how the day would turn out - it could easily have been crap, hanging around with a bunch of twats (okay, 'friends') while xavi acted like an idiot to get laughs. MEGA pleased it wasn't. we wandered around the city centre and ended up at greencroft park, nabbing a bench and talking & kissing & listening to his ipod for a few hours, taking no notice of the rain and the fact we were dressed like summer. it's so strange how yesterday i couldn't stop myself from crying on the train home for reasons unknown (okay, the general reason was xavi), yet today all it took was a few hours of doing not much together & i'm on top of the world again. he's grounded for the rest of the weekend - i only saw him today because he'd lied to his parents and told them he was going to band practice. he ditched band practice for me (: not a massive milestone but it still feels good to know he'd do that.

"pitter patter on the rooftop you can listen to the rhythm of the raindrops I wish that the sun would come and stay but this is a song for rainy days..." a song for rainy days (: well it's certainly rainy right now. it's PISSING it down. it's JULY! and that's why i hate england so much. it skips straight from spring to autumn, just about every year. right now it's the type of rain that seems light but ends up getting you soaked the second you step outside the door. xavi apologised for being a 'drunken asshole' (his words, not mine) on saturday. i think he got the picture how much of a twat he was that night - he says he only actually remembers the last half of it. and we talked about the whole second base thing. i told him i'd never been further than that before, that i'd never wanted to, and i think he was pretty happy. y'know, knowing he wasn't being compared and marked or whatever. it was nice, because i'd been slightly worried about that too. i mean, i trust him but it's nice knowing that whatever we do, it's new for both of us and it makes me feel slightly more at ease. [/end of rambling]

with your smart mouth and your killer hands: i don't know if 15's too early to be thinking about going further. well, i know a lot of people have already 'thought' about it, but i don't know. i still can't stop thinking about saturday, his hands, his neck...when i started saying something about it being too open¬ private, he instantly stopped and apologised. and that made me want him MORE. he thinks i'm angry at him for it. but it's not that. admittedly we had some pretty carried away, my-god-i-wish-we-were-alone moments that night, but half of the rest of it e was pissed out of his head and acting like a complete twat and generally being a shit boyfriend. and that's the reason i'm not 100% happy about us right now. i think it's got to the point where we need to talk about things like this. i just really don't know where to start.

i don't get it. YOU finished with HIM. and fair enough if you regretted it and got back in contact or whatever, but it's been three months. a lot's changed since then - he has, so why haven't you? it's hard to feel sympathy for someone who - i hate to say it - brought it upon themselves. ARGH, i'm frustrated. (sayyoustillcare?)

angels and airwaves : love like rockets if XA grows a 'beard' (well, mega-stubble) for the party, rest assured he will NOT be getting any whatsoever until he shaves it off. it's bad enough kissing him when he hasn't shaved for a day. eeeeurgh. i miss his face so much. saturday better be a good 'us' day. if he's running around being the entertainer all night...well, i'll make it fun by dancing like a goon with everyone else until we go back to emily's. it sounds horrible, but...i'd rather be with him.

....aaaand, once again, my emotional rollercoaster is going up into a loop & i'm insanely happy again. kind of. OH and read 'the pilo family circus' by will elliott. i was hooked, and it's the first book in a long while that's done that for me. oh how i love mindless, clown-related gore (:

shutupshutupshutupshutupshutUP. SHUT THE FUCK UP. why can't you ever just realise i KNOW WHAT I AM DOING, i've considered all the options, i'm NOT a fucking IDIOT. you expect me to have the intelligence of an adult, to get the grades of a top-2%-pupil at a grade-obsessed grammar school, FUCKING TREAT ME LIKE ONE. i KNOW you think i look down on you like you're piece of crap sometimes but that's just your inferiority complex and i fucking don't. it's simply a matter of me knowing what i'm doing and you just butting in and, i hate to admit this, getting in the way. I'M NOT A KID. i can think for myself, if it turns out i'm wrong i will be the only one who suffers. LEAVE ME ALONE. and when i finally explode, don't even THINK about trying to make me feel sorry for you by fucking crying. it'll only make me angrier. SHIT, i need to be somewhere else right now

...great. despite the aforementioned daydreams and shit, it doesn't feel like i even have a boyfriend right now. I need something to take my mind off the same old, same old. i was happy with thinking about the same people every day but lately it isn't really enough. how do i change that without losing them all? add me, it'd be funny to see if anyone actually reads this. pervvvv (joking). vote-for-mel@hotmail.com

back to the rhythm and back to the beat of the radio do you have moments with someone that always play throgh your head when you feel shit/defeated/even just bored? i do. it's slightly annoying, because I can never completely recreate them without missing details. maybe writing everything down'll evacuate them...i don't know. it's worth a try. one softly strumming 'always' by blink 182 on his acoustic in a field on a hill surrounded by other towns. surprising him by singing along, running my hands through his hair, his head resting just below my chest. we're both slightly intoxicated, which only magnifies the feeling of perfection that is that moment. i know that, even if I could have anything in the world, i would only ask for more of him. two mucking about in ruth's room after an evening letting each other know how we feel without talking. exhausted of everything, me lying down and him following suit, facing me. before i know it he's kissing me for the first time, pressing into me so hard it takes me by surprise. after a few seconds i smile, and he asks if i'm laughing at him. I say no, still grinning, and dip my head back down to enjoy the last few minutes with him before i have to go to germany. three lying on the living room sofa the first time he came to my house. i'm torn between a slightly upset and awkward ruth & staying curled up to him. it's the first time he discovers my outy belly button and he loves it - he finds it hilarious but doesn't realise that every time he touches me I have to stop myself from shivering. four watching the fireworks in the close - his arms are wrapped around my waist and the perfect height for me to lean back on him. for once i'm not acutely aware of his every move against me, I'm happy just knowing he's there. we don't kiss. we don't need to.