"i wasn't looking for arty farty looove..." on a happier note: how much do Alphabeat RULE?! I'm seriously considering buying their album. There's nothing like a bit of upbeat, cheesy pop music to cheer you up when you want to punch a certain someone's face in. (: lalalala. off to Jazz's house in a bit - no doubt that lot will cheer me up no end. I haven't seen Jazz since the end of term, because she went to Egypt for an age. Beth just called me to ask when I'm coming, so I know she's there, and that generally means Lizzy'll be there too. It's gonna be Disney films and High School Musical dancing akimbo...

you're a twat. you're a twat you're a twat you're a twat you're a twat you're a twat you're a twat you're a twat you're a twat you're a twat. And I don't know why I want you so much. "today is the greatest day I've ever known..." HAH, not today. I'm actually really angry right now. Since when have I taken shit like this from ANYONE? Why am I suddenly mild and meek and too scared to point out that you can be an absolute DICK sometimes, and lately it's been happening way too often? I want the OLD you back. The one that stayed sober at all the parties because he could have fun without being intoxicated. The one who texted me near enough every day he didn't see me to ask how I was doing. Now that never happens, it's always ME badgering YOU. And I hate it. Shouldn't 6 months say something? That we remotely love each other, at least? My god, if you think you're going to get satisfied in ANY way at Joe's, you're wrong. I don't care if it messes us up, I need to talk to you about this. Please, let me. Please turn back into Old You and realise what a cunt you're being. Because I can't stand you anymore.

"I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it anymore. But I'm too much of a coward to ever even THINK about pointing that out to him, for fear of repercussions (he doesn't hit me, my god no; I'm just scared of creating ripples). Still. Joe Rose is having a party on Monday apparently - maybe, once he's wasted on vodka that he doesn't actually like, he'll open up a bit. And I won't be as scared to talk about things as I usually am. Shit, we're nowhere near as 100% perfect as I always thought we were. That's a sobering thought - and one I was putting myself off having..

"DrillFork, you can drill and fork...Mostly fork." HAH, I love Scrubs. All I've done today is see Ruth home, learn Jesus of Suburbia on acoustic, watch a documentary about Olga Korbut and watch Scrubs. Woo. The documentary about Olga Korbut is seriously worth watching though - she was an amazing gymnast, her bar routines leave me gobsmacked even upon multiple watches. I wish the Olympic gymnastics were as exciting today. Even just a text from him would cheer me up no end. It isn't going to happen.

so. I think i'm just going to have to face up to it. I DON'T LIKE PLECTRUMS. the tips of my fingers sting from about 45 minutes' worth of general fucking about with my guitar and honestly - I don't like chords anymore. without a plectrum, it sounds shitty and amateur, like a toddler's playing. WITH a plectrum you can hear the strings being tapped and it's wayy too loud. I'm gonna have to face up to the fact that I'm a shitty guitarist. but I'm just too bloody stubborn to give up D:

I'm talking to you - but you're not listening. I don't know what to do, my heart is blistering.. I want to be spending my summer with him. I want him to play the chords of 'Closer' to me and look at me while he's doing it, willing me to sing along. I want to not be here, on my own again, trying to concentrate on the history of Banksy's work (I DON'T CARE). I want to sit by the Old Mill with our feet dangling over the edge & drink Shake 'n' Squeeze mix-up milkshakes and talk to him about everything that gives me goosebumps. I want to go where you go. I want to stop everything reminding me of him. I want to be with someone who doesn't see anything wrong with telling me he thinks I look nice and he wouldn't want to be anywhere else except there with me. I want to sort out my miiinnddddd. ARGH.

i ate SO MUCH crap today, I don't even want to think about it. but I don't care. just devoured 8 squares of cadbury's fruit&nut (HEAVEN) and a can of diet coke, & i'm now rewatching Juno illegaly on t'internet. life is good, when I ignore the fact that Xavi & Amelia are off raving in a tent somewhere without me - they would totally make a better couple than we do. sad but true. but IGNOREZ-VOUSing that, i'm all good. (hah izzy, you never smoked in the first place. shut the hell up, woman D: )

wheee-oo. I switched my laptop on to write my english coursework essay ('Tensions in act 3 of The Crucible'), ditched that after 4 lines, changed to art research, ditched that, and now I'm on songMeanings. hah, well whaddya know... the weather's SHITE again. it's ten past 1 in the afternoon and it's so murky and dark outside I've got my bedroom light on. I'm pretty glad I didn't go to Cornwall in this weather actually. the t-shirt I wore on wednesday night smelled like Xavi (before I put it in the wash, it needs one). and so did my pillow until yesterday. mmm, I swear it makes my mood 100% better somehow. 'I can't compete with all your damn ideas This isn't working out for you and me The truth is I'm too tired to play pretend This is goodbye; this is the end.' not exactly a pick-me-up type song but damn, I love Motion City Soundtrack so much. I had a strange dream last night. I can remember little parts of it but I can't piece them together to figure out what the hell was going on in it. I do remember, however, at one point I rested my head on Ollie's shoulder and he put his arm around my waist and hugged me. xavi was sitting on the other side of Ollie and even though I knew I was seeking comfort from the wrong guy, I stayed put. what the hell's that meant to mean? Ollie?! nnnnoo way.

what's the difference between love, lust and infatuation? actually, I suppose I can establish the differences between the three...I just don't know which one I'm suffering from. lust, natch - a definite. it's pretty easy to identify. infatuation - I can freely admit that I think about him a LOT. probably more than I should. but on the other hand, I'm not desperate to spend every waking minute by his side and we're never all over each other in front of our friends. we both have lives together and lives apart, which is fine by me. love - the tricky part. like I've said in a previous entry, I have had no prior experience in love so I'm completely clueless. we haven't said "I love you", but I know that's not the be all & end all of it. obviously, I know it's not like a lightbulb goes off in your head and KABLAMMO, you're in love. but every time I see his face, peeking up at me from underneath his slight emo-kid fringe, or he starts playing the chords to 'closer', or ANYTHING like that, I just don't want to leave that room, or even consider what my life would be like without him. sure, sometimes he pisses me off no end (see other entries), but maybe that's what it takes. maybe love's just a combination of everything, taking the good with the bad and still wanting them just as much. I don't know. :/ And I don't care if this counts as one of those bog-standard teenage girl's journal entries, being all soppy about her current crush. because like it or not, this is what being a 15-year-old girl entails. it's nobody else's life except my own and if this is what I want to make sense of, so be it. ...okay. rant over. I'm off to a shitty family party.

Xavi likes my familyyyyy. Actually, in his words, he loves them. It didn't seem to bother him that my mum brought up my conception in the middle of dinner, or that Laura and Tom were there, he still likes them. It was so nice last night, us two on one sofa, L&T on the other, watching a crappy Stephen King film adaption and taking the piss the whole way through. It felt...right, I don't know. Like it was completely natural for us to be there.