why lie about what you're doing in my own house?! I don't get it. it's not like it's even something worth fussing about -- I wouldn't give a toss if it wasn't for the shadiness. AAAAAH stop worrying and have a good time! why are you even posting a journal entry while he's here?! my goodness, I'm insane, aren't I? i'll stop writing now and get on with my life. (if you can call it one.)

cheeeese toasties (: exactly what I need on a shitty August afternoon. see outside the window? well, obviously not, but whatever. THAT is why I hate england. it's grey, misty and drab. THIS IS NOT WHAT AUGUST IS MEANT TO BE. I want a summer, dammit! I want to have waterfights in lizzy gardens and jump in the river and run around town with ice lollies and dripping wet hair. instead I had to wear a coat and a hoodie and wellies just to take the frickin' dog for a walk. HOW is that fair?! eeeeurgh. light up, light up as if you have a choice even if you cannot hear my voice I'll be right beside you, dear

on a brighter note, teehee. I just realised I've been wearing my PJ bottoms for about 23 hours straight now - with the exception of having a shower, of course. what a bum.

should I still be holding on to you? do you deserve it? see, it seems to me like if it was anyone else they'd have given up by now, finished it, moved on. I know I shouldn't be putting up with this, I know that this isn't what anybody would call romance. but i can't face it. every time I have a gap in my thoughts, you're there, with your crappy toilet jokes and the smile that could melt me on the spot. and that's it, I'm lost for a good hour when my mind's occupied with you. it's horrible, knowing you are nowhere NEAR as gone on me as I am on you - if it wasn't for the odd kisses and...well, other things, I'd be 100% in the dark about how you feel about me. having said that, though, I'm still about 90% in the dark anyway. please, make this right. it's up to you - I've laid my cards on the table as best I can given the situation, now it's your turn. let me know.

'You'd like to think that you were invincible. Yeah, well weren't we all once Before we felt lost for the first time? Well this is the last time.'

so, it hasn't got any better. but I can deal with that. it's just the fact that, last time he did something like this, after a week I started hearing bad things from people who know I think ignorance isn't bliss. but actually, it's for the opposite reason I'm too scared to confront him about all of this. what a coward. so, instead of seeing my so-called boyfriend today, I'm staying at home. I passed on strawberry picking at Bake Farm with the others because the journey's too far and it's been raining on and off all morning. instead I'm watching prison break and having some lighthearted banter with Ollie. maybe I'll get some sketching done, who knows. but this is what the holidays are all about, right? lethargy and procrastination? well, they are for me. I'll be fine in my room with Patrick Wolf on loud and constructiveness on hold. for now.

you're honestly the hardest person to figure out I've ever known. and I hate it. why can't you just sort yourself out and let me know when you've done it? maybe then I'd get some idea of where I actually stand in your hierarchy of importance. because I get the distinct feeling I'm pretty low. too fucking low.

'do it for the living and do it for the dead, do it for the monsters under your bed.' so the whole 'no picking' rule is out the window - again - as it always has been and always will be. I don't know if I'll ever get around to tackling that problem. I don't know if it's even able to be tackled. fingers crossed that it's sunny tomorrow, and I can spend the day catching up with a few people I love to pieces. I'm disappointed I missed whatever went on yesterday, it sounded like good, pointless fun. note to self: i love lolz. she makes me giggle when I really do need one the most. 'we won't stop until somebody calls the cops and even then we'll start again and just pretend that nothing ever happened...'

I always forget what I do during the summer. And I'm determined that this summer I'm actually going to do some worthwhile stuff and not be bored as much as usual. The movies I may have already seen, I'm a bit of a loser when it comes to films - I've seen Napoleon Dynamitetoo many times to count. But whatever, let's see how it goes. films [*=laarved it] wall.e * the dark knight zoolander dodgeball bowfinger * hard candy * napoleon dynamite *** hostel pt II 10 things I hate about you garden state * juno kill bill american pie II young people fucking already acheived [no particular order] stayed at xavi's barbeques III beeeacchhhh castlepoint (topshop shorts&dress £7) jewellery making (button bracelets = naiiice) costume museum (more fun than it sounds) out for dinner bumming about the close and lizzy gardens with 'that lot' played 'throw the penny in mel's shoe' with ollie (: eaten wayyyy too many Fab's ruth over & made rocky road stuff & talked until 3am Roger's birthday do had xavi over, acheived nothingness artartartart prep jazz's houseeee london with ruuuth (hamley's, oxford st, camden, nando's) ...the list will be altered frequently, when I think up new things to do or get up to anything else. good idea, no?

it's FINALLY summer! and fuck do I need a summer right now. the sun's decided to shine, I have a tan line on my wrist where my larmer tree band's been, and later we're having the third barbeque I've had in a week. main reason for being happy? a million pounds for the idiot who guesses it. I won't bother with a drumroll. i met xavi's family on thursday =D. well, I didn't meet his sister because I think she's still in some unit in swindon, but the rest of them I did. and I think (hope) they like me. I feel like I know a completely different xavi now - the one who writes compositions at home and has bright yellow bedroom walls and gets irritated by his little brother (who, by the way, is SO SWEET. slightly annoying, albeit, but cute all the same.) we had a barbeque and he figured out 'closer' by Joshua Radin on guitar so I could sing along and then we watched Monsters Inc (rofl) curled up on his sofa together. contrary to popular belief we DIDN'T fuck - instead we told blonde jokes through dinner and I met his neighbour and his mum made us muffins for breakfast. i've honestly never loved him more.