she's calling me again. and i saw her today but it was so, so different to how it usually is. maybe she's changed, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear that it made ME change, but I couldn't help it. she wasn't normal, hilarious, slightly schizo-in-a-good-way Ruth - she was nervous, still cracking jokes but ones that made absolutely no sense whatsoever, not even to me. I don't know what to do. I want to be a good friend, there for her, but i wouldn't know what to say if I picked up the phone. i just know it'd be a struggle to try and recreate the hour-long 'quick' phone calls we've ended up in before. this isn't a nice feeling...I want old Ruth back, but I also wish I knew how to deal with this New Ruth, who feels like a stranger. god, i need a break.

i was just thinking - teitur go and download it. i love listening to songs about missing people. it reminds me that although I may be feeling totally alone, I'm not alone at all - there are people all over the place almost completely the same as me.

ruth just called me. i didn't pick up. I'm a shit friend, aren't I? she told me she's been diagnosed with 'severe' (:/) depression and has started taking pills for it. this was after I asked her why she wasn't the slightest bit pleased to see me when I went to see her at work on friday. she went on to say (via text, I was on the D of E walk) 'Things have been making me unhappy' - i'm guessing possibly a combination of her parents splitting up and freddy not being there - 'and the doctor said counselling is useless at this point, and the pills will just stabilise my mood because half the time i'm manic and the other half I'm sad.' A part of me feels really, really fucking bad for Ruth - the part of me that's her best friend and that empathises when she's had a shitty day because of family tensions. i don't mind that part. it's the other part i'm worried about - the part that I shouldn' be feeling and REALLY don't want to be. it's the part that knows that, even though she's asked me not to discuss this with anyone, she'll tell Xavi. i know she will. they 'do' feelings with each other, even when they've barely spoken for the past month. and, of course, Xavi'll return some sort of deep, dark secret about his life to help comfort Ruth. then we'll be back at the beginning, the point where ruth always knew a little more about him inside than I do, and i'm sat in the corner nursing a horrible inferiority complex. i can't wait.

i had a bit of a spree today. i bought some lame stuff but whatever, it was still shopping (: walked back from harnham to town after work finished - i swear, it's so gorgeous in the sun. there's one of the tallest cathedral spires in england in the background, and walking over the brdge on the way out, looking down the river and all the gardens backing onto the edge..it's just so, so nice. the general feeling can't fail to put a bit of a spring in my step. ANYWAY. visited cara in the ELC, ruth in the sharp practice (shittest work experience ever, i swear - but ruth didn't care, she got to emo herself up so she was fucking contented), then got down to it. bought a rollmat for D of E hike tomorrow, then a canvas for my art exam on monday. I couldn't resist the temptation of popping into Zavvi (the music shop, not Xavi) and ended up getting Foxboro Hot Tubs' album and a Cure album. oh, and a book for dad for Father's Day (it was £2, cmon, it was worth it). OH and i got Jarhead on dvd cause it was on offer (: i swear, that movie's the best. plus, my DVD collection is slowly but surely getting less lame by the second. god, that was a boring entry. i won't write again until I have something decent to say, i promise.

fuuuuuuck. will some of you stop writing in bloody codes? yeah, i get it, it's YOUR journal and YOUR feelings - but jesus, stop kidding yourselves that that's how your thoughts are strung together. it doesn't make you sound any more intellectual, i'm afraid. 'babyyou'remysorrow. wh oa mi? wh oar eyo u?! i'll never know, im drowning in a sea of nothingness and my only lifebelt is knowing youre sinking to the bottom with me. the depths are just like my h e a r t; murky & lost.' okay, so i made that up off the top of my head. but you get what i mean. what the fuck?? try wording your thoughts in a way that's constructive, so maybe you might actually be able to figure something out from them. stop writing in gobbledigook. it's not benefiting anyone, certainly not you.

seeing as this site's all about the music, really, i thought i'd write a bit about my music and all that. so..read this and go download all the songs. gosh, where do I start? - when i was 11, i was O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D with Green Day. seriously, they were all i talked about. I went to see them at Milton Keynes Bowl when i was 12 and cried when we left. my favourite songs by them are, and always will remain, Stuck With Me and Walking Alone. - 'first day of my life' by Bright Eyes never ceases to amaze me. i played it to my friends last year at school, we learnt it on guitar, and at the end of the year before we all split into different forms our form recorded ourselves singing it. it's one of the most beautifully written and sung songs ever, i reckon. it's gorgeous. - i frequently share CDs with my dad. currently i'm borrowing his MGMT album (it's IMMENSE) and he was amazed the other day when I identified the Kinks on the radio. psssh. - speaking of the Kinks - go buy the Juno soundtrack. it makes me happy. - i sing in the shower. a LOT. my 'shower album' is probably Everything In Transit by Jack's Mannequin - it's so sing-alongable. - Next Year by Foo Fighters, Close To Me by The Cure, The Gift by Angels & Airwaves and Song In My Head by Sherwood all remind me of various states of Xavi. - i currently have The Last Shadow Puppets and Biffy Clyro (loaned from Lyd) sat on my desk beside me. in return, she's holding my Vampire Weekend and Wombats albums for awhile. - Johnny Cash was sexy. end of. - i love gigs. i won't list them all. but favourite was Muse at Wembley last June - it was INCREDIBLE. muse really deserve all the live awards they get. i also saw Hellogoodbye, Plain White T's and OkGo in either 06 or 07 with lolz, before they got all big and overplayed and shit. - pretty much every event in my life has been put to music. none of my friends can utter a SENTENCE without me linking it to some song or another & singing it at the top of my lungs. - did I mention my singing is irritating as fuck? - i'll stop there. OH apart from the happiest song in the world right now is Sky by Ingrid Michaelson & Joshua Radin. it rules. i have waayyyy too much free time. (:

don't you feed me a lie about some idealistic future i officially don't give a crap what result i get for my stats GCSE. seriously, screw it. I don't care if I get a C, and if i'm the only one in the year that gets it. i repeat myself, I DON'T GIVE A CRAP. i have other things i'd rather be worrying about, instead of wasting my time on something my school only wants to do to give itself a better image. on the other hand, i should do some more art prep work. we have a 5 hour exam the first day back from work experience. WOO. 'here comes the anxiety..'

alright, I'm pretty sure I have the most AWESOME work experience placement out of most people in my year right now. i'm working at an infants school, in one of the reception classes - all the kids are 4 or 5, and they're adorable. i've been asked twice already who's mum I am, i swear theyre all mini comic geniuses ;D ANYWAY. other funny stuff. i was walking through town after work finished today to meet laura after her driving lesson, when i realised xavi's bus was driving up the street about to pass me. i recognised it because it's got the lamest name in the history of names - Activ8 :L laaarvely. anyway. and sure enough, i looked up onto the top deck and xavi and bill were pointing out the window at me, pulling hilariously obscure faces through the glass. it made me look like a madwoman, because I was walking down the rest of the street, on my own, cackling to myself. i do love those two. it's kate's birthday barbeque next saturday. it'll be really good fun - me, kate, paul, andrew, val, laura, tom and a few of kate's other friends. i didn't invite xavi mainly because he barely knows laura let alone kate&andrew, plus he doesn't drink and kate doesn't want to feel like she's leading someone else's kid astray, which is pretty much fair enough. we'll just make up for lost weekends after school (:

i'm tired of postcards, especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids... mm mm mmmm, i lovelovelove it when england decides to be summery! it's salisbury festival this week, which is basically loads of live multicultural music & dancing going on all around the city all week. a load of us went yesterday -- if i can remember right, it was bonney, sam, lolz, caitlin, rachel, other sam, mamph, annie, bill, theo, cara, emily, xavi and me. it was awesome - like, the 4 couples (bonney&sam, rachel&sam, annie&bill xavi&me) and then all the rest of my favourite people in the world, all sat around a lantern with our faces painted (ROFL. i had a lightning bolt down my cheek, annie looked like spiderman and rachel had an apple and a bee cause sam's sam applebee :L). my mum remarked today that i must be in love because i've been so happy since last night (: i can't help it, it was just perfect standing there with xavi's arms around my waist with his chin on my shoulder and playing with my hands and aaah i should stop. i could go on about him for years, it's pretty sad. one more thing though. his mum wants to meet me! so, even though he tells his parents basically nothing about his life, he's told them about me. i'm gonna take it as compliment. (:

i told him it wasn't his fault i was in such a state the other night. 'yeah, but i should've helped. i know it's too late, but i'm here. and you're not alone.' how much i love that boy sometimes (: just when i think i've got him down as someone who's not the best at getting his feelings out unless we're actually properley together, he goes and says something like that. how awesome is that feeling when you're with someone, and they stroke your belly or kiss your neck or you just remember something that happened in the past and your stomach just rearranges itself? like, in the best way possible. i think i could get addicted to that feeling. (: