i fucking hate adolescence. it completely screws with your hormones, doesnt it? last night i cried for the first time in about two months. and i properley cried, it was horrible. normally i hate crying, because it makes my head throb like a bitch and usually once i start, there's no stopping me. xavi texted to ask what was up but ended up not replying after a while, which didn't help much. i fell asleep eventually, woke up feeling pretty deflated, went and sat my german & english exams and, SOMEHOW, they cheered me up. or maybe it was just my awesome friends. i spent most breaktimes with ruth, nursing coffees and semi-broken hearts (oooh, emo), and in between that with lolz and the rest. it's pretty hard to stay miserable when i'm surrounded by total idiots who will stop at nothing until you find yourself laughing your arse off and your stomach about to explode. i really do love my friends sometimes, i honestly don't know what i'd do without them. i don't really want to think about it. (:

i swear you keep me sane sometimes. note to self: in times of doubt, remember you have one of the best friends in the world behind you to back you up. she may not know every thought that goes through your head, god forbid if she did she probably wouldn't want much to do with you, but the fact is she does. she may get on your nerves a LOT, but bloody hell she gives good advice and she listens and she talks and she's fucking THERE. ruth probably understands you more than anyone else, as much as it may pain you to admit. appreciate her more. accept her weirdness. just a little note to self. because i swear to god, i love her so much sometimes (:

i've just discovered the Dillinger Escape Plan. they fit my mood perfectly. my god, i havent been this angry/confused/hurt/frustrated for a bloody LONG while. he'd better make it right for once this time, or i don't think i'll be able to deal with this all anymore. i really hope that doesn't happen. i don't want to think about it if this ended.

i like him. he likes me. we're together. it should be as simple as that, shouldn't it? end of, bish bash bosh, "oh mel you're so lucky you've found the perfect guy who's exactly like you apart from the male-ness, you'll never be alone and i will". but it's not, is it? that'd be wayyy too easy. life's got to fucking complicate things, hasn't it? can't i just enjoy the fact i found him and he found me and we SHOULD be perfectly happy with each other? no, i guess not. because that's not how things in my life go, i've ALWAYS got to overanalyse things and consequently eff them up. fantastic.

I kissed her face and kissed her head And dreamed of all the different ways I had To make her glow... god, i love the cure. so, so bad right now. 'close to me' reminds me of being with xavi (it's the closing credits to Son of Rambow which we watched/didn't really watch together) (: plus blink's cover of 'a letter to elise' is pretty bloody good too. nothing much interesting to say apart from that, though. laura drove me back from the train station today! she's 17 and hasn't taken her test yet but she has a provisional so she got to come pick me up. it was awesome. (: gosh, i remember when we were still small. aren't we growing up..

have lost myself in rough blue waters in your eyes.. joshua radin : winter i'm LOVING his album, by the way. go buy it if you haven't already - 'we were here' by joshua radin. i had to get it off amazon 'cause british music shops SUCK. seriously, all they stock is Booty Luv and Madonna and sheeeeeite. anyway. science exams over (2 1/2 hour exam, WHAT THE HELL). only have *deep breath* D.T german geography stats art R.E and english lang&lit left. phewwwie, good luck me. i found out this lunchtime that annie & bill have had sex. it's so weird, how they seem to have both felt the need to just sort of 'get it over with' and ended up making it the most unromantic thing. i mean, annie's reluctant to even suggest to bill that they go out somewhere, just those two, as opposed to town with everyone like they usually do - yet they feel nothing wrong with sneaking back into her house while her parents are away and robotically stripping as soon as they get there, no hanging about just enjoying each other's general presence? i don't get it. we're 15. fair enough to those that are completely ready, have talked about it and decided it's what they both really want. fair enough, i guess, to those that just look to it as something to do for a bit of fun with anyone. but two that are still stuck in the early stages of a relationship to just screw (excuse the pun) it over like that...i don't know. i hope this doesn't lead to a second break-up, i must admit i enjoy calling my two friends Willy&Fanny (:

i'm actually really jealous of all the other people on here who keep journals that seem to know exactly how to word what's going on in their brains right now. i swear, some things i've read that other people have written just seem to mirror completely how i'm feeling. unfortunately, the million-miles-a-minute thoughts that run through my head are gone before i get a chance to write them down. it's really annoying because, for every thousand 'i wonder what foreign people would think of Marmite if they tried it on toast...' type of thoughts, i actually do stumble across some pretty profound wonderings every now and then. maybe i should buy a little notebook and just scribble stuff down when i think of it. god, i'd be the butt of SO many jokes from my friends. ah well, they're used to it anyway - this is coming from someone whose worst habit is miaowing when there's an awkward lapse in conversation. ...i'll sleep on it.

home home, homey home. i've done nothing all day except lie on my bed, make biology cue cards, text xavi and paint my nails. wow. i NEVER paint my nails. apart from that and the studying, the rest of the stuff isn't new to me ;D. mum's been a legend, and has a box of glazed doughnuts out on the table for 'all of those confined to their rooms studying', rofl. by that she means me, my sister and her boyfriend, 'cause those two are doing part of their maths A-levels this week. i'm in a surprisingly good mood, even though exam week's looming and we don't get any time off, unlike bishops, who get the rest of the days off this week when they're done with their exams. WARGH, not fair. i'm not in the mood for anything more than lighthearted ramblings today. sozzles to anyone hoping to find some juicy lovesick heart-wrenching intelligent ponderings on the 'latest journal' link. (:

i swear i'll melt if you touch me at all, and then i'll ask you to do it again and again. and suddenly you've done it all you've won me over in no time at all. : angels & airwaves 'the gift'

i'm sat in a cramped, stuffy room at my grandmother's right now. i'm having the TIME OF MY LIFE, like. rofl, just kidding. i'm trying to fix her printer so i can print a practice stats paper. yeah, i just said that. THAT is how bored i am right now. ruth's complaining about being in spain with a bickering/ill family, but right now i would actually swap her situation for mine in a second. ah well. we're going to Nando's for dinner later & their peri-peri sauce is the BOMB & xavi loves me & i smell like him (i used head&shoulders shampoo last night, hah) & until i get home i guess i can just catch up on some sleep and listen to some songs that remind me of awesome times (: LATERs.