mm mm mmm. only half a day left of school - no uniform (YESS I don't have to wear a kilt again until september fifth!!), a half day, and hopefully the weather's looking up. think optimistic thoughts. sometimes they get me through. today they definitely will (: xavixavixavi, I don't care if you think you're messed up. I don't want you to be perfect. and when I said last night most people would exile me from society if they knew every thought that went through my head...I meant it. you're not alone, please realise that. and every time I touch you, look at you, speak to you - hell, even insult you, I'll be telling you. I hope you listen hard.

travel the world. the places you DON'T see in the travel agencies. go skydiving. multiple times. learn to juggle. write a song. sing said song to Xavi. find a recipe for cannabis cake. make it. eat it. write a book, without any thoughts of getting it published. stoppickingstoppickingstoppicking and look like an actual human being climb a fatass tree, and if it's good enough, build a treehouse in it. get another rabbit, call him Thumper. get another cat, call him Bagpuss. get a second cat, call him Garfield. don't hold back on letting people know how I feel at all times.

"i hope this song starts a craze the kind of song that ignites the airwaves the kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are, with whoever they're there with." why does he only ever want to touch me like that when he's pissed? he said something about morals on saturday, but he was half insanely giggling at the time and I couldn't make it out. i remember crying to Ollie when we had locked ourselves in the study to talk - I hate when things like that creep up on me. it was when he was talking about how he had just laid down and prayed, prayed to God (although that doesn't make much sense and seems to defeat the object) that a car would come along and the driver would be distracted by something else. it made me realise just how fucking hopeless life can be for us all sometimes - and even though it's a faint comfort that we're not the only ones feeling it, the fact that we're feeling it at all can't be made better.

my mind keeps wandering back to waking up with him. and being able to stand up and wander around the room in knickers and his t-shirt and not worry about what he thinks of my behind. every time he shifted in his sleep he'd wrap himself around me in a different way; every time he did it I thought about how much I could just stay in that bed with him for the rest of my days. every time I looked at him asleep I couldn't help thinking he's the most perfectly imperfect being i think i'll ever be graced to know. and whatever else I might say, whatever he might do, I don't want to be without him.

so, it wasn't how i expected it to be. in ways, last night was awesome. xavi told me about his sister. i asked him about the things i've been hearing - fucking annoying thing is, we were both slightly pissed and i can't remember exactly what he said. but i think the general gist of it was that it was a fleeting thought when he was feeling pretty messed up. he told me things about himself i'd already kind of guessed but some things were new. he thinks he's fucked up, and i never realised how much playing guitar helps him let stuff out. i might've cried. i know i did when i was talking to ollie in the study - he told me about his mum cheating on his dad and how his state was so bad he ended up lying down in the middle of a main road praying someone would run him over. god, i don't know. i think i talked a load of crap last night, because truth is i'm only any good at listening to peoples' problems - not solving them. i'll just think about the good parts of last night and figure out the bad parts when (and if) i need to.

i don't want to go tonight. i heard exactly what i didn't want to hear yesterday, from ruth. she was completely right to tell me - ignorance, in my opinion, is NOT bliss and i'd rather be aware of something going on regarding my life that everyone else seems to know about. so he's thinking about breaking up with me. there, i've said it. it is now officially REAL. i have no idea why he wants to -- last saturday made me happier than i had been in a while. but it seemed to go downhill from there. we spoke briefly about twice over the course of the week, during which he apparently spoke to amelia (his "bezzy for life" orsome bullshit) and said something about thinking about it. and he gave her a reason, one that ruth knows, but i don't want to know the details. i want to hear it from HIM, at least. oh god, what if i cry? i know i will. i always do. and then he'll feel awkward and i'll look like a moany little emo idiot. there's no way i'll be able to stay friends with him afterwards -- not the way i currently feel about him, it'd hurt too much. i hate the thoughts that are running through my head right now.it's like defeat mixed with a kind of numb, dull terror. and hope. what if he was just having a bad week? he seemed okay when i spoke to him last night. did he check i was going to izzy's because that's when he wants to do it? what if i have to spend the night in the same house as him, not being able to do what we always would've done before? what if he finds another girl? i'm shit scared. i don't want to go but i know i have to. fuck, i shouldn't've let myself fall so hard. it's going to be tough as shit to pick myself up again.

okay so the fake happiness has sort of worn off and now i'm just left tired and disappointed and pretty pissed with xavi. i wish i didn't have to keep making up excuses for him in my head - it's not fair, he shouldn't even be having to use them in the first place. FUCK, i don't know. if he comes to izzy's on saturday -- well, we'll have a whole house to ourselves until the morning and i can imagine it being funny as fuck if nothing else. but there'll probably be something else. and knowing me, spineless little crap that i am, i'll let him do it. i'm fucking hopeless at this love thing. ...on a lighter note. my mum just correctly recognised & identified joshua radin 'star mile'. legend.

my GOD nutella lollies are so effing great. okay, well it's not really a lolly...more a spoon dipped into the jar...but seriously, there's nothing like it to make you feel happy inside. MMM. i'm going to forget about coursework & duke of edinburgh shit & xavi and I'm going to spend the rest of the evening watching prison break and figuring out the rest of 'such great heights' on la gee-tar. 9 days left of year ten (:

blockbuster films in the words of ollie titanic: "jack, jack!" "rose!" "Jack!" "Rose, Rose!" "jack, jack!" ICEBERG! "Jack, Rose!" "WE GOING DOWN,CAPTAIN!" DEAD lord of the rings: "Frodo!" "Sam!" "Frodo!, Mr Frodo!" "We have to go through the mines of Moria!" "Sam!" "Mr Frodo!" "Sam!" "ARWEN!!" Orcs! AHHHH "Frodo!" "Sam!" -boomy voice- "saauronnnnn" *appear bigass eye* "precious" DEAD the day after tomorrow: cab in new york SHIT BIG WAVE! freezing "burn books!" dead edward scissorhands: *narrator* Scissors!! snip snip (viewer) "oh hes hot" left in castle - sad END i love my friends =D

3rd entry today...this is insanity (and boredom, probably). laura's going to prague for a week and leaving at 1am -- it's 9:40 and she's still packing. les parents have some friends over for dinner tonight. it's nice, i know mum's said before that her & dad are far from 'socialites' but i do wonder sometimes how they cope when they're annoyed at each other with noone else to talk to except laura and i. anyway, one of the guys over atm is the head of languages at MI5 or something, and he's just got an MBE (Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, awarded by the queen, for anyone wondering) which is freakin' awesome in my opinion. i'm going to larmer tree festival next weekend with ruth & her family, which'll be massive fun. jools holland's playing on the night we're staying, and henry & joe are gonna be there so we'll probably muck about with them . cool thing about larmer tree is, no matter how weird or spaced out you look/act, no-one cares because there's always someone freakier than you. im gonna get high on life (: