mmm mm mmmm I like cheerful saturdays. went to southampton with Lolz, Annie, Emily & Cara, and actually had a really good time. no boyfriends, no alcohol, just laughing and shopping...I like it like that, sometimes you don't need anything else. settled on pirates for la party, cause I have no originality/imagination. i have a bandana, stripy top and spangly gold treasure, just need a cutlass & an eyepatch (: stopstopstopstopstop thinking about him. i swear it does no favours for my (in)sanity. I was thinking today, he's the only guy i've ever actually 100% enjoyed 'making out' with. the others were okay, but nothing special. he's special, isn't he? I guess that's why. I'll stop writing about crap now, it's a waste of time.

thanks for the best years of my life, i mean that. you have been there for every step of the way & i'm so happy to have found someone like you 'cause without you i don't know what I would do... i miss him a lot. i wish I caught the bus. i also need some awesome costume ideas for Flo's party. all i can think of right now is pirates ...arrrr.

so, if anyone was to read a survey-type thing I just filled in, they'd learn things like this about me: my name's mel. if I could change my eye colour it'd be to Kate or Andrew's eye colour, which is their mum's brrrright blue. the wallpaper on my phone is a photo of me & caitlin after we got our faces painted. xavi was the last person who held my hand, and also gave me my last bruise (i told him I have a high pain threshold so he bit me and left bitemarks. is it weird I found that pleasurable? am i sadistic?) xavi plays a pretty big part in my life - he was the last person i kissed, at the bus station on thursday before he jumped on his bus home. 2 facts about him: he has the loveliest hair in the universe and likes my belly button (it's an outy). the last time i cried was last weekend at the D of E expedition, with laughter when I cracked a shit joke about older men. i'm english, but i have 3 dollars stuck on my wall. i'm pretty stubborn, and I equally prefer the company of both girls and guys. ... Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life? - i hope so. i hope at least some of my friends. It's 4 in the morning, your phone rings who do you expect it to be? - ruth, either 'just fancying a chat' or in dire need of someone to piss off. Who is the first person in your phone book? - alex. i got her number incase we got split up at my chemical romance. What made you happy today? - indy & frankie & emma in science...they made me laugh. lots. Where will you be in an hour? - in my room probably, after having a shower & shizz. Have you ever gotten into a drunken fight? - nope What did you do this past Valentines Day? - didn't receive anything (: although indy sent xavi a rose and made out it was from me (we weren't together at the time). funny stuff Are you truely happy? - yeah, i guess so. my life's alright when I think about it and stop being pouty & moody. and there we go. i'm bored as shite.

so, i think we're fixing it. we're not perfect - we were never perfect, far from it - but I think we're getting there. i didn't realise how hard it'd be to spend just a week without a best friend standing beside me. i'm going to be there for her, i won't analyse everything she says for lies. i'll believe her and try to understand her and maybe, in time, we'll be okay.

how you used to be (never enough : the cure) i'm finding myself increasingly impatient with ruth's nonchalance to the whole 'prozac-for-the-mental-patient' thing. It's almost as if she's...enjoying it, living up to her emo kid expectations. i can't stand it. I'm going to go ahead and admit it - i'm avoiding my best friend. and i'm suffering for it, because I miss Normal Ruth like hell. i really need her right now. on another, lighthearted note. i figured out I've bought a shocking 6 albums in the last two weeks. CDs are becoming my impulse buys rather than clothes lately. so, new additions to the collection: the cure - greatest hits joshua radin - we were here vampire weekend - vampire weekend foxboro hot tubs - stop, drop and roll bright eyes - cassadaga patrick wolf - accident & emergency all really good albums. I've been clever with my choices - no wasted money like is usually the case (:

so place your hands on my hope, run your fingers through my soul -- I'm over at Kate and Paul's for the weekend, with Laura and Tom, for kate's birthday barbeque. the two couples are currently engaged in a BBB (barbeque building battle) and I thought i'd stay out of the way for a quarter of an hour. i think I might love my siblings a little more than the average person does. I mean sure, laura pisses me off no end - but only because we've shared a house all our lives. kate & andrew are the funniest people in the world, i swear (take, for example, andrew's tactics for an awkward lapse in conversation - "so...seen any good bums lately?!"). I know I hardly see them but the phone calls and random weekend visits really do rule. it's 3 in the afternoon and we're already on beer & spirits. this is going to be a fun weekend (:

I take that back. the fact we don't fight isn't a bad thing at all. seriously, does that boy know what he does to me, without even totally meaning to? I swear, last night it was just one moment during the film that I realised something: we fit. i don't know how or why I came to that realisation, but it just hit me. we were sat in the dark, curled up together, and he was kissing my fingers. I turned his face and kissed him, and he instantly moved to be next to me - and it was just so effortless, so easy. I didn't know things could be as simple as that. and maybe they're not, most of the time. but that split-second last night just proved that if it's the right person (and I know he's the right person), anything can be simplified into almost nothing. and I want to feel that again. (:

Annie asked me today if xavi and I ever fight about things. I answered 'no', because we don't really argue. As expected, annie just moaned and carried on telling me about an argument she and Bill had last night. I didn't really listen, though. does the fact that we don't fight necessarily count as a good thing? or is it pretty bad that the closest we've got to a row is me jokily telling him off for wanking too much? i mean, i KNOW arguing isn't a great thing, but at least it shows they're comfortable enough with each other to point out one another's faults. which is more than I can say for the two of us. am I worrying too much? I hate overanalysing things.

i'm home alone. well, not technically, laura & tom are upstairs, but whatever - my parents aren't in. and my god, the house feels so empty. I mean, more so than it usually does. it's pretty massive (it's a B&B) and it's full of forgotten spots and cold spaces, but without mum & dad wandering around turning fairy lights on and complaining about the electricity tripping again, it's really odd. and I don't like it. for once in my life I actually WANT to be back at school right now.

how can it go from so weird to completely normal again in less than 24 hours? i don't have a clue, but that's what it did. I'm not complaining. We talked about it all at lunch, and it's so weird - she's being put under suicide watch AT SCHOOL. what the hell is up with that? she's going to be checked upon if she spends more than 5 minutes in the toilets during lessons, and the deputy head's organising more 'meetings' with him. I think she'll be okay though, and that's what counts. I have a stats GCSE tomorrow (i'm doing it a year early because of the specialist school and blah, blah, blah). i'm surprisingly unfazed, even though I got a C in the coursework. I don't give a toss anymore. it's possibly the most pointless subject in the world. and i'm being forced to do it (: