reflecting on the past 24 hours, I can now safely say it must've been the shittest day out in my life. I'm never touching vodka again - even the thought of it makes me want to hurl - and I just want to go to bed and forget about everything that's wrong in my mind. I won't bother spellchecking the next rant: read on at your own risk. a) it was badly organised, b) i had to change my mind about going three times which meant c) i was messing my poor mother about a lot. d) xavi didn't even go when e) he was basically the only reason I made such an effort to stay and f) he was flirting with Heather and even g) did a RASPBERRY ON HER STOMACH which h) is meant to be our thing and i) he never realises when he's done something(s) wrong or j) just doesn't care much - just like k) the fact he didn't care that I threw up last night and felt l) completely alone because m) although I may like Theo and think he's a great guy he's n) not xavi and o) ruth and rob got together AGAIN which made me feel even more alone, after spending the day listening to people talk about Fenlon's party on saturday which p) i seem to be the only person NOT invited to and q) I know it sounds really petty to be fussed about but r) it's a pretty big knockback when not even your own boyfriend has mentioned it to you and s) he never seems to do anything right anymore but t) I don't want to admit the fact that I really don't know how much longer we'll be together for and it doesn't help that u) I wouldn't know half the things I know about him if it wasn't for the fact that he's told me when he's drunk which v) suggests that when he has control over his mind he certainly doesn't want to let me into it - I'm strating to wonder w) how we've lasted this long (over 6 months) when I'm pretty much completely lost about whether he actually likes/loves me and x) that one line from Swing Life Away by Rise Against - 'are we getting closer or are we just getting more lost?' keeps running through my mind every time I think of him with y) THE GIRL HE CHEATED ON ME WITH and z) Heather, the one I just know he has a soft spot for - everyone seems to. life would be so much simpler without him. see, THIS is the reason I'm so reluctant to let myself fall for guys. because it messes up my head and shit. I just want old him back.

I've achieved a total of 0 more words since that last post. Speaking of which, I'm still on the 'latest journal' link -- Jesus, I write in this too much... I just learnt 'Oh it's love' by Hellogoodbye on guitar. It's laarvely. (: But my wrist hurts now. I don't know if camping's still on tomorrow, it's been very vaguely organised. I hope it is, I haven't seen X since I got home from Portugal. Mm mm mmm, spaghetti with tomato ketchup. Tastes goood.

'the kids don't stand a chance...' we really don't - not with fuckoff huge essays like this to write. I think I may die. 174 words down...1826 to go. Jizz.

I want the new Jack's Mannequin album really bad. What's it called again? Ohyeah, The Glass Passenger, for some reason I keep forgetting it. But I heard Caves and Crashin today, and BLIMEY I'm prepared to pay all the shitty postage & packaging extras to get it. I draw the line at effing $26 postage to preorder it from the website - fuck off, I'll just get it off Amazon. ANYWAY, Andrew McMahon is lovely. There's talk of a campout on Tuesday night - Rob can't come, Xavi probably can, for some reason Ruth's invited Ed and Hannah but if Fred, Bill and Annie come it'll be good fun. I hope. I feel like getting very, very tipsy and making a tit of myself in a good way. I miss Jazz & X (big wow). I'm going to go watch Final Destination II with Laura & Tom. Those films never fail to entertain me. x

I'm backkk! It's nice to know you've been missed, even if it's only by your parents & boyfriend. I hadn't seen Kim properley for about 3 months before we went, which had been making me slightly apprehensive. Turned out I had absolutely nothing to worry about - we got on like a house on fire, as usual. It's hard to feel awkward around a person who's been in your life since the day she was born. The sun shone, our egos were inflated by the Portugese blokes who aren't afraid to let someone know when they're appreciated, I ate a LOT and played too much bingo to be considered healthy. Kim took a photo of my bare butt cheeks to show everyone at home just how massively tanned I am (=D) and I think I now know more about her boyfriend than I did when we went to primary school together. Have you ever tried floating around on your back in a pool in the middle of the night? If you haven't, try it. On four nights in a row I didn't resist the urge to strip off and jump in on the way back to our apartment, and I'm glad. It's lovely. When there's no light pollution and you can only hear the sound of the waves and the dull noises around you, it's hard to believe so many things are wrong wit the world. I nearly fell asleep doing it, I was so relaxed. Try it. Seriously. I'm sitting here in my recently-acquired 9 Euro Green Day t-shirt (it has glitter on it, NO WAY) and I must say I'm in a very good mood for once. Screw the fact that I'm going back to school on Thursday - it'll keep me busy and I can catch up with everyone I missed. Right, I should go and unpack.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WoteYUAUj1k&feature=related I found this link on JaymeEatWorld's journal, and wow does it give me a happy feeling inside. I love the thought that there are so many people all over the world whose lives can feel so much better by one such small movement. Can you tell I spent the day with Xavi? We watched Get Smart, I spilled his Minstrels & whacked my hip on the back of a seat, and considering it was a cinema, we talked more than we should've. We then got a massive (pepperoni & black olive) pizza from Domino's and ate it in Lizzy Gardens as the sun turned the sky peachy and he shut up my rambling by kissing me. I'm going to miss home. Even if it's only for a week.

hah, I swear I must be basically the only journal on here that hasn't been referred to by other people writing in theirs. makes me feel loved. (: PLUS, how do you get youtube videos on to your journal? I'm a dunce when it comes to codes and HTML and all that. I'll go Yahoo! Answers it.

GCSE results time! and although I am in the year below those getting their results today, I took 2 early so I had two bits of news this morning. Two A's! Niiiice. I took maths statistics and ICT, both shitty-ass subjects, stats being the most boring course ever created and ICT being a complete doss. By the time our stats coursework was due in (mine? 3 hypotheses on various parts of 2005 World Data, proven or disproven), I'd finished less than a third of it. But I revised for the exams and got £60 out of it! (that's approx. $120) (: so I'm pretty chuffed. Off to wax my legs for Portugal now, cause I'm a masochist. HAH.

so. jesus. good points about monday night? 1: Basically, i had a fucking good time. I didn't know half the people that went but I got talking to quite a few. found two guys going into year 12 that love Bright Eyes and DCFC...I think I may have given them both tacklehugs when I found out. We had a MASSIVE drunken conversation about music that included lots of dancing and yelling 'Oh my GOD, I LOVE them!!' I climbed a tree with Bonney and swung down off it and fell over. Patch brought fake moustaches and we stuck them on people in the morning (including a passed out Xavi) and it looked hilarious (: Met some guy who lives in Ibiza that was wearing INSANE tartan skinny jeans and a bright orange hat. Got reaquainted with Phil after not having seen him for ages, and met his (really nice) new girlfriend. A guy in the year above, Pete, tried it on with me and I had great pleasure informing him that a) I was in the year below (he didn't realise) and b) I have a boyfriend. Xavi told me he loves me. And I know he was pretty fucking pissed, but when he's wasted he's seriously the most truthful he can be. He promised, after what he did (see below), he's going to be more attentive, affectionate and generally make way more of an effort with us, and I sincerely hope he meant that. That brings me on to the BAD point of monday night. Writing this down will, unfortunately, only confirm that it's 100% true - but I have to do it anyway. I need to figure this out. 1: He kissed another girl. That's why he'd barely spoken to me all week. He cheated on me. And no amount of "I'm sorry"s will ever make that up. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully trust him again, but the truth is, I can't imagine being without him. I spoke to Ruth about it and she was gobsmacked that I'd stayed with him and was still speaking to him. I KNOW what a lot of other people would've done is gotten angry and broken up - but if I'd done that, I wouldn't have been doing what I wanted to do. Sure, it was a shitty thing to do and I have absolutely no fucking idea what must've been going through his head at the time. But it was a kiss, at least it wasn't anything more than that. And maybe this is the beginning of the end, but I want to stick with it at least to see if maybe this was the defining point in our relationship - a slap in the face that reminded us how much we want to be with each other and not anyone else. I hope he took note of how Hanah responded to being in that situation herself - deliberately whoreing herself out to 3 complete strangers in one night. is he thankful I didn't do that? He fucking better be. shit, I don't know. did I let him off the hook too easily? was I a complete doormat to want to carry on like normal and forget about it? all I know is that I love him - as much as I now hate to admit it - and I know other people have gotten over so much more than this. we talked about a lot last night. I can't remember a lot of it. I fucking hate vodka. truth is, I feel pretty messed up at the moment. writing this hasn't been much help either, but I needed to document exactly how I felt nearer the time. Maybe it'll help later, I have no idea. I can't articulate every single thought in my head right now. I'll stop trying.

i'm torn between about a hundred thousand different options. joe's thing tomorrow is basically one massive campout complete with spirits, drunk twats and possibly weed. ruth isn't staying - she's catching the train home at midnight. xavi still isn't speaking to me. I don't actually know who exactly is going to be there tomorrow, and where i'd sleep. If, somehow, things were magically better between me and Xavi, I'd be fine knowing he'd make sure I was okay and had somewhere to stay with him. but that's not a certain in the slightest - I don't feel like I can depend on or trust him at all anymore. there's the option of, if all goes wrong, going home with ruth and staying at hers. But I don't want things to get so bad that i'd NEED to resort to that option. jesus, I have absolutely no idea how tomorrow is going to turn out. it could end well - a party, out in the open, with a load of people who really are a massive laugh and Xavi, the potential sweetie. but who's to say that'll happen? that's a best case scenario. I think i'll ask if I can stay at Ruth's, and if things go alright I'll just stay and camp. Either way, I'll have a place to sleep, right? fuck a duck. apologies for the lack of paragraphing and erratic capital letters, my brain's a mess of thoughts/worry right now. fingers crossed. it's all on you.