taken from my written journal; for once i seem to have worded my feelings better in there rather than on here. Last night...I don't know what changed. We talked. He promised he'd make more of an effort - and this time around, he wasn't drunk. He looked me in the eyes and told me he loves me. Honestly, I almost passed out from the swelling happiness that sentence gave me. It took me a minute to gather myself up enough to reply to him. He asked me afterwards why (how?) I love him. How is that question at all possible to answer?! So many millions of different strings of words could have been used to answer it, but none would've been 100% accurate. We settled on the fact that neither of us could explain it. I'd forgotten how nice it is to be kissed so hungrily. We held hands on my lap under the table at dinner. He kissed my shoulder instead of blowing a raspberry on it. He told me my dress was pretty. "Do you ever have those moments when you realise you couldn't actually be much happier than you are at that exact second?" "Err...no, I can't say I do." "No? You should try it sometime..." I love love. I love young love. I love the fact we're only 15 and coming up to 7 months. I love Xavi.

owwie. ow owsy ow ow oww. I hate tummy cramps. :[ Bonney's birthday 'do last night was INSANE. I really didn't expect to have so much fun. during the day I helped caitlin and Bonney's mum decorate the playroom. we transformed it into a fairy grotto-esque type thing, with chains of butterflies adorning the walls and twinkly lights everywhere you look and crepe paper garlands splaying out from the middle of the room to the ceiling. later, we cracked open a bottle of Amundsen (obscure Czech apple liquor, tasted like apple laces + vodka) as we got ready and met the guys outside the restaurant. I couldn't tell straight away that they were pissed. I was too busy enjoying how affectionate he was being to notice - it was only really when Xavi turned to look at me inside the restaurant and literally TOLD me they'd been doing quadruple shots that I realised he'd steadily been getting less and less responsive. he sobered up, though, and that's what mattered. Bonney had a great time, I could tell from the look on her face when she turned up to 19 of her friends singing 'Happy Birthday' at the top of their lungs (complete with helium balloons, courtesy of sam, bill and X) that she wouldn't've asked for much more. and the profiteroles & champagne. what a way to end the night. Xavi'd sobered up, I'd gotten drunker and it was a good balance. i'd missed being kissed so hungrily. we talked about things to the tunes of 'Even if it kills me', pausing so I could sing heartily along to the line 'Don't ever change the way you are - I've never loved anyone more'. he said 'i love you' again. this time I can be sure he meant it. I was smiling so much it took a minute for me to gather my thoughts up enough to respond. shit, he seemed to have more of an effect on me than usual last night. his lips were softer and his hands were rougher. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. you don't need to ask why I love you, xavi. you said if I'd asked you back you would've been able to explain but you wouldn't have wanted to. it's the opposite with me - I want to but I couldn't possibly word the last six months without writing an entire book. i want to take him to see Funeral For A Friend for his birthday. we'll still be together on friday october 31st (hey, halloween) - if we carry on like this, I have no doubts. x

KINGS OF LEON - SEX ON FIRE. if you haven't heard it, go hear like you've never heard before. it's fantastic. caleb's voice has just let rip since last album. i love it. i'm back from a two-day geography field trip (: it was waaay more fun than i expected it to be - but then again, a youth hostel full of friends & sugar, what else could you expect? in our room was nonie, maria, ruth, pippa, hannah and I - the first three of whom i can call some of my closest friends, the other two almost the opposite. they couldn't be lovelier though. pippa's so beautiful it almost angers me - I don't blame Patch for being smitten with her. Hannah appears to be fairly quiet, but my goodness, she's...unexpected. hah. I took a photo of her injecting herself for her diabetes & am planning on telling mum we were shooting heroin all night =D. i took over 100 photographs in the last two days. some are real keepers. in fact, most of them are pretty much lovely, I had a bit of a 'let's-take-photos-of-everything-in-sight' attack and got some good'uns. Mrs Morris assumed from my clicking frenzy that i'm a photography fanatic, and I corrected her by telling her I just get very into projects sometimes. september children: (this is insane) 13th - bonney 15th - ruth 19th - jazz 19th - lizzy 20th - mum 23rd - andrew 26th - xavi 27th - lolz dear god.

....and now i'm just a confusing mix of love and irritance. i think this is worse than blind anger (see below) :/

fuck you. fuck you so, so much right now. i just tried to actually write exactly how i'm feeling right now towards you, using actual non-explicit language, but the truth is, that's all i can say. FUCK. YOU. i don't know why i'm even thinking about you. i've given you so much over the last 6 months and this is how you repay me. i text you, you don't reply. you ditch me, your GIRLFRIEND, to go and get pissed. again. you make me feel like i've been punched in the stomach every time i think about what you did. your thighs brushing. your hand on her hand. leaning in. having all the time in the fucking world to realise what you were doing to me and pull away. you're a shitbag, you really are. i hate you right now. and tomorrow morning...i'll hate you still. but I'll love you at the same time. i'll still think of your smile and my stomach will flip over. i'll still remember watching Monsters Inc with you, with my head on your chest. this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do, love you. it hurts so bad, xavi, i've lost count of the number of times i've felt like this, alone, at home, crying like a pathetic little kid. but i know i'm not pathetic. i know i deserve better than you. but i don't WANT it. i want you, you fucking twat! why make me fall for you only to turn and completely change before my eyes? fuck. times a million. i want to go to sleep...

i just pasted an quote from an old entry of mine on msn to ruth: 'every time I looked at him asleep I couldn't help thinking he's the most perfectly imperfect being i think i'll ever be graced to know.' and she replied with: mel, are you like shakespeare reincarnated? with me it was more like, 'HE'S ASLEEP. LETS GROPE HIM UNTIL HE WAKES UP AND THEN PLOUGH PLOUGH PLOUGH' i love her so much (: my friends actually can make my problems evaporate. ruth, jazz, phil, cara, alex...everyone i've talked to tonight, you all rule. ILOVEYOU.

i thought he got the picture. i thought that, for once, he could tell how upset i actually was and did something about it. 'if you're not going, i'm not gonna go.' it was so sweet: him actually acknowledging that we are a couple and that we like to do things together. fuck that. why bother saying it if he was just going to cut me short and change his mind before I could even get a chance to make plans with him? maybe he doesn't deserve me. maybe this is all too much hassle that I'm putting myself through for someone who evidently isn't who I fell for. FUCK, i want him so much...I know how good a person he can be, that's why it's so hard to admit I shouldn't still be with him. shit, my eyes are welling up just writing this. she's in the year below me AT MY OWN SCHOOL. i cant deal with this anymore

I hate the days where I can't seem to fit in anywhere. I drift from person to person, never really taking notice, never really being taken notice of...And I seem to be left off all the lists. two 'parties' now, my boyfriend has been remember and I haven't. I know, I know you all want to make up numbers to make yourselves look alluring and popular. But try thinking about the girl on the other end of the 'couple' title: it might not mean a lot to you, but it does to her. it does to ME. i want to be with him more than you ever could, so why not make a tiny difference to your day and make mine? fuck, I hate people. I'm glad it's the weekend. while they're all having the time of their lives with the guy that messes with my head, i'll be staying in the house working and trying to ignore the fact that he's not thinking about me.

okay, so maybe not all of that last entry was totally true. I mean, most of it was true, but possibly I was being paranoid slightly about heather. i'm not blaming myself for feeling that way - I think I have one big, fat, glaring excuse to - but when I think about it, there wasn't a spark between them at all. if it wasn't for that raspberry, right now I'd just be dreamingly recounting how he wrapped himself around my waist from behind while I was sat on the bench and dug his face into my neck and held my hand so tightly it hurt. I'll forget about katey's party because it's not a big deal and, honestly, being in GCSE year now I have other things that should be on my mind. that's the way to think about it.