You know what? I'm done with waiting until it's convenient for YOU to talk. I've never felt this horrifically sad in my life and most of the time I don't know what to do with myself, and you KNOW THAT, yet you still manage to ignore it and treat me like shit then make me feel guilty when I get annoyed. You're the one person outside my family who knows what we're going through and yet you don't bat an eyelid and you don't give a fuck. I am so, so angry right now. I don't even know what to say to you. Right now, I hate you. Strong word but my God do I mean it, after you've disappointed me and made me feel worse than I should so many times. You are so selfish.

Sleep All Day - Reel Big Fish What a genius song. I miss you, Auntie Maureen. We'll look after Francesca and Fede though, don't you worry. Fede loved the day out with Mum and I yesterday. It's not nice when she starts crying at dinner, though. But we're all thinking about you. They're playing Viva La Vida for you on Monday. I can't think of anything to sing other than that song now. It was a good request on your part (: I wish I'd asked you for German tutoring before my GCSEs. Not because I did badly, because I feel bad for passing on spending time with you. Fuck, if only we'd known then. Francesca's friend Karl had lunch with the family today, I wonder how Antonio was. I know that, if you'd been there, everything would have been fine for him. You're impossible to feel awkward around. You were gentle even when you were in the hospice, barely able to see. You're my favourite Aunt - I haven't told anyone that apart from Mum, and she said she's secretly kept it. It's obvious how amazing Francesca and Fede are - I just know Fran's going to make a difference in the world when she's older. Fede is so cheerful and lovely, I feel horrible for being short with him yesterday but I promise it was only because of my headache. I'm not looking forward to Monday. I'm not very good at funerals. At least, I don't think I am - I've only ever been to one, Grandad's and that was horrible. They make me sad and I know I'll cry in front of everyone and I know that secretly people don't want to see other people crying at funerals, you're just meant to bow your head and look sad and pay your respects. I hope Grandma smiles again soon.

I'm never going to have the same mother again. She's stumbling around, drunk on her own tears. I want to kick something when I think about the millions of vile, evil, disgusting people out there walking around unharmed, while people like my mum and my grandma and Maureen have to cope with horrendous blow after horrendous blow. Things are FUCKED UP. I can't think of any other way to say it. She has two perfect children who she'll never see grown up. She's intelligent, absolutely lovely, my (admittedly) favourite auntie... Nobody deserves a long, perfect life more than her. And if God is real, which I highly doubt he is, he is a fucking SADIST. Why kill her, why kill Richard, why kill Brian when there are so, so many other people out there that deserve "Hell" more than she deserves "Heaven"? I... can't think straight anymore. Six weeks ago everything was fine, and now I have an amazing aunt contemplating suicide to escape the hideous cancer spreading through her. I hate to say it but it's true. I wish I had no emotion. Not even love. Life would be so much easier if nobody gave a shit about anyone else, and didn't give a shit about NOT giving a shit. I need sleep.

I started on the Pill today. No more horrific tummy cramps for meee, hopefully! And no more condoms, which is a mega bonus. I'm filling my Dad's unused mp3 player with Robert Plant, Beach Boys, Bob Marley, etc to give to my Aunt. She's in a hospice now. Her kids, my cousins, stayed over last night. I hope I was fun for them to be with - they need all the distractions they can get at the moment. When they left this morning, Fede almost cried. I could just see it in his face that he didn't want to have to go back to their house, without their mother and with only an incredibly stressed father for company. Francesca and Michelle are coming to Thorpe Park with Dad and I tomorrow, though... Hopefully that'll be fun. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be such a jerk, I'm in such a strange mood. I wish I was with you now, so I could apologise to your face, and stop you crying. Because I've been so stupid tonight. I really am sorry, I just get a bit tired of being the bad guy all the time. Please don't stop talking to me about your problems, or at all. I can't even say how thankful I am that you haven't finished with me after how I acted. I'm nothing without you. I hope you can forgive me eventually. I love you so much, I miss your laugh, your smile, your body against mine, your smell, your blue-brown eyes, holding your hand. Night."

FINISH EXAMS pimm's & pool BBQ at caitlin's summer solstice at Stonehenge bowling w/ xavi, laura & dad livng room floor :D Banksy exhibition at Bristol xavi's house for 3 days jumped ino river at the Old Mill STILL TO COME: harry potter AAAH! centre parcs with bill, annie, sam, rachel, rob & amy annie's house katie & paul's thorpe park

Today has been such a messed up day. It's all down to the raging hormones, I'm sure. Up until a few hours everything was great - German Listening was fine, felt like taking the dog for a walk, almost skipped down the street dressed like a total eccentric. Xavi didn't mention Fred's to me, but that wasn't important. And then... and then it just changed. One conversation with mum and everything's bleak again. I'm crying for no reason - it's those quiet kind of tears, the controlled ones that don't make your face contort but still burn tracks down your cheeks. I miss my Xavi and I want him here because nothing is anything without him and every night he's light years away and he's the only person who has the power to control my erratic mood swings in one swift move but he's always the one that can never be here. Everything's helpless tonight, I have nothing to look forward to, I miss Andrew, I just want the biggest hug from Katie, I've barely spoken to Ruth for a week and now my crying isn't controlled anymore because I'm sobbing. If my life was a movie, in a minute something magnificent would swoop in through my bedroom window and sort out all of my emotional fuck-ups and everything would be a happy ending - but life's a bitch and everybody is emotionally fucked up. Get me out of here.

When I'm left on my own Talk to myself til I get home Call your phone, just to hear you And I know you'd hear me too And I know that it hurts cause I miss you And I know, I know You won't miss me too

Possible (truthful) status updates: Melissa... Has been waiting for hours now. Doesn't feel anything positive towards him tonight. Doesn't care about her family holiday. Can't get over her stupid trich problem. Wants to cry but doesn't have the energy. Needs something to look forward to. Wishes she had just one constant in her life. Can't stop listing all the things wrong with him. Can't stop second guessing everything. Almost cried at the lyrics to his song. Just cried.

What is it about my boyfriend having a close female friend that bothers me? I guess it isn't that in particular that annoys me - it's more the girl herself. Maybe I'm biased because I'm slightly possessive and like to have him all to myself - but it just seems like she isn't a nice person. Even her friends say she's selfish. She can't talk to him like she talks to any other of her friends: she has to have him all to herself. For example today - instead of just talking to him about something where they are, like everyone else does, they always have to go for a 'walk' by themselves to talk about it. Of course I don't ask what it is they talk about, because I already know it's mainly her wanting to whine about whatever guy she's 'into' at that particular moment in time. But why do they need to be so secretive? They insist they see each other more as 'brother and sister' than 'boy and girl', but it really doesn't seem like that. At Tom's house a few months ago, I disappeared to the park next door for some breathing space, and there was a part of me that hoped Xavi would turn up at some point. After an hour, I was slightly disapointed he hadn't come to find me but not bothered - until I walked back into the summerhouse to see him sitting in a chair with Amelia draped across his lap. I know they weren't doing anything - God no - but doesn't that just seem...wrong? And later that night, I got all ill from the excessive vodka and Xavi was looking after me. I was nearly unconscious, but I distinctly remember through the haze, Amelia coming upstairs and whining, "Xavi, can we go for a walk?". How fucking self-involved is she? I was leaning out of a window half naked with tears streaming down my face, he was the only person with me and she had the nerve to try and whisk him away so she could whinge about the last idiot she'd fucked. I know this all sounds so petty, but it just happens every time she comes to any social thing. I lose him for an hour, ask someone if they've seen him and the answer 99% of the time is, "He went for a walk with Amelia." And no, you can't sit there and judge me and think 'what a paranoid idiot'. He CHEATED ON ME. With another girl that he has a history with. I have reasons to care about these things. This is possibly the shoddiest entry I've ever written. I know the sentences don't make much sens and don't fit together properley, but I don't care. I'm fucking irritated with that girl and, because I'm such a bloody tolerant person, this is the only place I can dare to vent my anger. AAARGH.

I have a ticket to Green Day! 23rd October, 02 Arena, I'll be there to help kick off their UK tour. 5 years ago I was absolutely OBSESSED with Green Day - even now, I still remember that Billie Joe's birthday is February 17th, that Tre used to go to clown college, that Mike owns his own diner...Many, many useful little nuggets of trivia that don't mean anything to most people. American Idiot used to rule my life - I'd listen to nothing but them. I received American Idiot for Christmas 2004, and by June 2005 I was at Milton Keynes, singing my heart out at my first proper gig. I can't even begin to describe how much they mean to me - they got me through the shittiness of year 7, and every song I listen to by them just makes me feel something. I don't even know what the something is, but...it just gives me a lift, y'know? Just like my favourite songs make me feel like I could conquer the world, so does Green Day's entire back catalogue. And it's for these reasons I'm so nervous about May 15th - what if the album's a disappointment? What if, over the past 5 years, I've built my expectations too high? I doubt that's the case, though: 4.5 out of 5 from Rolling Stone, declared a 'masterpiece' by the Culture magazine, it can't fail...