He's still friends with her, and I already knew that - I've felt it since the day he told me what happened. So why, even though I've thought about those two together a million times before this, has my heart rate quickened, and my skin keeps burning hot & cold simultaneously? Even though I know we just had a good weekend together, I could just cry anyway because as long as she's still in his life, neither of us can 100% get over the fact that he cheated on me - no matter how much (or in our case, how little) we talk about it. Did he wonder what I was thinking when she texted him on a Sunday morning while we were in bed together? When I turned away from him for ten minutes, if he'd known I was crying, would he have tried to fix it? And by 'fix it' I don't mean 'kiss me until I relent', I mean talk about it and realise how much it still hurts me. Surely it's obviously not the right thing to do, staying friends? I have no idea what they talk about, how often they see each other, what they mean to each other, exactly how much of a history they have together. And it kills me, lying next to him when the thought flashes through my mind. I can't talk to him about it because I'm too scared of what he might say - or NOT say. I know he doesn't want to talk about it and, if I try, I'll be digging up the past. But what else can I do? Bring up the past, or keep stewing over it until it overwhelms me so much I snap and do something I'll regret? I have these negative thought spirals - I think about it, and my mood just gets worse and worse until I end up getting angry at him for trivial things that don't really matter in the slightest. I get angry at things I know shouldn't matter. I have so much to say to him but when we're together, it's so lovely just being with him that I don't want to waste time being negative. Jesus Christ I hate having thoughts. They muck my head up.

(bear in mind this was a FUN essay to write, I was being scathing and sarcastic the WHOLE WAY THROUGH, i obviously do not agree with most of the things written in this) Joining a new school 5 years into the system is always going to be difficult; especially when each school seems to have a different social etiquette to the next. As we appreciate what a struggle this transition may prove to be, the kind pupils of South Wilts have compiled a set of rules which will help you easily find your way into the heart of Year 11. First up, unsurprisingly, is fashion. It’s uncommon to find an all-girls’ school that doesn’t contain girls who pride themselves on their appearance. In South Wilts, the only way to pass as remotely ‘stylish’ is to cover yourself heat-to-toe in the Abercrombie & Fitch and Jack Wills clothing brands. Never mind that all of these clothes are generic, dull and unremarkable – they have labels printed across the front, therefore they are credible clothes to wear. Team these nondescript designer items with backcombed hair and your grandmother’s handbag et voila, you’ll be the belle of the school. The next thing to be scrutinised by South Wilts Team Cool will be your social life. Extracurricular activities are optional, though largely ignored and passed off as a “dorky pastime”. This also applies to instrumental lessons and partaking in sporting events. There are a few exceptions to this rule, however; the playing of hockey and/or netball will help elevate your status dramatically. Another way to broadcast your name is to throw a party. The plan is simple: create a Facebook page, invite anyone and everyone (whether or not you know them is unimportant), rent a village hall and subsequently trash it. As for alcoholic beverages…Well, everyone who is anyone already knows that a litre of Tesco’s vodka is all you need for an enjoyable night of stumbling, raving and flirting. Ideally, at the end of the night, your excessive intake of spirits will catch up on you and you’ll be photographed with your head in a toilet with a gaggle of equally drunk girls queuing behind you for the same reason. There are rumours travelling around the school as we speak – apparently a girl was taken to hospital on Friday night to get her stomach pumped. Needless to say, the aforementioned Party Princess was not short of admirers and gossipers to chat to in registration this morning. Moving on to the biggest teenage talking topic of all time - the S word is an important factor in your growing popularity. Many girls choose to wait until they have reached the legal age of 16 and are in a secure, loving relationship before they start to wonder about sex. Other, less patient girls choose to experience it first-hand with whichever boy happens to cross their path at the right moment. Can you guess which of these categories the popular crowds fall into at South Wilts? Yes, that’s right – and the more public the place in which you choose to Do The Deed, the better. Some have chosen bushes, others prefer benches, a number of girls seem partial to a quick fumble in a dark field. Of course, safety is of the utmost importance in these circumstances. If adequate protection isn’t available at the time, never fear: remember that clinics hand out the morning after pill like Smarties. Take a leaf out of the cool girls’ books, and visit these clinics during school hours, a day or two after your encounter. It kills two birds with one stone – ditching school and preventing teenage pregnancy at the same time. If you think all of these rules sound confusing, then you’re not alone. If, however, you think you have what it takes, that you could triumph in this school if you so wish, then there’s one challenge left to face you. To become part of the Elite in South Wilts Year 11, you must be an expert in all the above fields and still manage to return to school every morning a model pupil, achieving A* grades in every subject. Only a few have truly accomplished this in the past, and these girls have been rightly remembered since – look for the murals on the backs of the toilet cubicles around the school. If acceptance is all you want from this school, then you now know all there is to know. Go forth and conquer.

"The truth is, I'm too tired to play pretend." - MCS The truth is, I'll never be over it while you're still friends with her. And I'd TELL you that if you weren't so scared of ever bringing it up.

Ohman you know I can't be mad at you for long. You're the only good thing in my life. You'll never know how I grateful I am to you for loving me. (I love you more...HAH, here's one place you can't reply to me with "I love you more than that though...I WIN." I win this time) I tend to get angry over very small things, and in turn let large things pass by me without reaction. It's strange. We went to watch 17 Again this evening. We had the whole cinema screen to ourselves, and took the Premiere seats (the Business Class of the cinema world) at the back so we could sprawl ourselves out as much as we wanted. I sat on him, he sat on me, we had fun like we always do together. It's funny, the only times I'm ever mad at him are when we haven't seen each other that day. My GOD he's gorgeous. How do you go about telling a teenage boy just how beautiful he is without making him sound feminine?

Dear you, Have you ever been cheated on and lied to by the person you are falling in love with? Have you ever reread the journal entries you wrote around the time that person was off kissing another girl and ignoring your existence? Did those 6-month-old entries ever make you want to punch something, because you know you've got a good relationship now but there'll always be the memories of a time when the person you were meant to be loved by didn't even like you? If you've answered 'yes' to any of the previous questions then my apologies, you obviously DO understand how I feel. I doubt, however, that you DID agree with any of the questions - and for that reason, you'll never understand the reasons why I'm so sensitive about the things you do now. It isn't right to still be friends with the girl you cheated on me with - surely that's universally understood? I have reasons to be worried when, at parties, I go to find you but am told you're off in a corner of a field talking to one of your girly friends about all your life's problems. Isn't it fair enough that it hurts my feelings when I find out you don't talk to me about anything that's REALLY bothering you? Why does it always need to be Amelia, the girl I strongly suspect has no morals and is developing an eating disorder for attention. You don't detect the fake smiles she beams my way when she's trying to pretend we're 'bezzies' and telling me how much "AAAW Xavi likes you SO much. Do you like him too?" (By the way, for the record Amelia: I don't just like him, I LOVE HIM. Ditto with his feelings. We've been together over a year, don't you dare patronise me about my own boyfriend.) I wonder if you ever wonder why I never tell you why I'm actually annoyed at you. Want to know? Because every time I try, you go all quiet and make me feel guilty for ever having negative feelings in the first place. I just brush it under the carpet and go back to my best behaviour in the hopes that my bad mood won't make you stop loving me. It's HARD, Xavi, being your girlfriend. You're so outgoing and friendly and funny, but that doesn't mean you aren't one of the most difficult people I've ever had to be friends with. I highly doubt I'll ever tell you half the things I've just written in this letter, and that makes me sad beyond words. We're fine with telling each other how in love we are, but anything less than that is just out of the question. Maybe that's not a problem for you - maybe you don't see your girlfriend as someone you need to share your feelings with. But if that's the case, I'm becoming very worried about the future. Please, please, think about us without me prompting you. Figure some things out for yourself. Stop hurting me. Love, Mel

I'm happy that Patch is with Frankie, as long as she's making him happy. And a thought just crossed my mind - who gave a shit whether Xavi was making me happy last summer? He was far from a nice person for a good few months - long enough to affect me in a massive way. It's funny that absolutely nobody noticed; even the people I TOLD weren't affected by it. Life's strange.

Why do I always invite you over with a sinking feeling already in my stomach? Why does it feel like I have to persuade your parents through talking to you? You chose last night to go to your neighbours and get pissed in an empty house without even telling me. I thought you weren't meant to go out, or have more than one overnight thing per fortnight, but there you were last night flouting both of those without having the decency to mention it to me. And here I am, trying to hand him anything a teenage boy could possibly want on a fucking plate, and getting rejected wordlessly for the umpteenth time. I don't even know why I'm so fucking ANGRY. My eyes are pricking and I can't think of a solitary, proper reason why. I think, ultimately, it's just because you're not here. You're NEVER where you're supposed to be and I'm sick of it - I just don't know what to do or say about it. Doubtless you'll just lay low and wait until I'm over it, once again avoiding confrontation and discussion in any way. You know what? FUCK YOU. Learn how to fucking treat your girlfriend and come back when you've learnt some decency.

America was amazing, we stayed in the Grand Summit Hotel which was hilarious as that's the name of the hotel in which The Shining is set. Every night when I wandered back to my room I half expected to turn the corner and either see: a) Some creepy twins in dolly dresses b) A tidal wave of blood surging down the corridor or c) Little Danny tricycling down the hallway in front of me. Max's was good last night - I barely sneezed, cried or shivered. Xavi, you were so right...You and me are forever.

It's 2 o'clock and all I've eaten today is some pasta salad. For me, that is NOTHING. Seriously. I woke up this morning and had a shower, then stumbled into Mum & Dad's room, asked if I could stay home and burst into tears because it hurt so much to talk. At least I finished my Crucible and Postsecret essays...MASSIVE relief. Mum's lost trust in me but we'll gt over it and she hasn't told Dad. I don't know whether she will or not. Hopefully it'll have cooled down a bit when I get back from America. Anyone here live in Bethel, Maine? BE THERE, hah. It's so weird, I just finished re-reading The Tenth Circle by Jodie Picoult and realised the whole novel's set in the same town I'm staying. Spooky.

I am such a fucking idiot. How did I ever think it was a good idea? Now my parents won't trust me and I can't go out at weekends and everyone's disappointed in me. It's a stupid, stupid phase that gave me cheap thrills not worth the risk. Like Emma said - I'm meant to be the one with morals, the one who points out and tries to help her friends going off the rails and being stupid. How much of a fucking hypocrite am I? I hope it settles down like Annie said. Do I tell Xavi? I care about what he thinks of me more than anyone else besides my parents. He comforted me when I was down because of Emma going off the rails, and now I've done the exact same thing. I'm meant to be the GOOD GIRL, and now I'm on lunchtime report from going to the fucking supermarket and my parents don't trust me. My eyes hurt from crying and this throat infection's got worse. It wasn't worth it. I just want to crawl under my covers and wait for the storm to pass.