I remember my birthday last year. it was unbelievably crap and i don't even know why. My friends and family and I had all been going through a lot, and still were. I was stressed out. I just wanted something special. So that i knew they really cared. But people always treat you exactly the same. [i know how it feels] birthdays suck. luckily i have a while to wait I'm so tired. Like really tired. I always say i'm tired but i'm never really tired I'm still not. But worse than usual... You all walked away without saying goodbye i didn't even notice until i came out of hiding It was really just a test to see who would stay but in the end but in the end you all just walked away Is this what i wanted? only people who held true? I didn't want those people to not include you someone anyone would have been a step up from where i've fallen to but there hasn't been anyone for so long it would be hard to get used to I put myself in this place with false expectations and deep rooted lies sometimes its ok but sometimes its not i need someone there whenever i need them but people don't work like that do they?

I never thought i would fall I thought i was better than that Wiser than them. But no I didn't even realise what i was doing I practically jumped over the edge. Without even thinking. At the time it was all that mattered. But now that i look back i realise how ridiculous i was being. Funny thing is, i know that the next time i find myself there i'll completely forget everything i've decided. What i've discovered. It doesn't matter anymore. I guess i should write a warning to myself So the next time i find myself at that door I read it and remember At least i could try. It's good to read peoples journals and find that they do a lot of the same Things i do The things no one wants to say out loud Now i know it's not just me

My older sister and her friend just came home. First they ask me for money to pay the cab. Then one's all 'gimme gimme gimme! that foods mine!' and the other is like 'turn off all the noise i have a fucking headache'. well thats nice and all,,, but its not my fault you go out drinking every night. They come home and act like they own the place. Plus i'm trying to do an assignment, and they're just another disturbance i don't need. Doesn't my sisters friend have her own house anyway? i swear my sister is never home without her. pisses me off. Hopefully they'll leave soon. Or go to sleep... Anyway this assignment is obviously going crap. There is no understandable information on the slave trade around... Plus i can't concentrate enough to read it. Oh well i guess i should keep trying

You can't understand what you did to me. These cliches haunt my every move there's nothing else i can say the unintentional thoughts of you keep getting in the way but i can't help but be made to wonder why the world spins round how come you have the freedom to fly while i'm stuck to the ground gahhh its really hard starting to write stuff again. i haven't for so long. so it all sounds fair crap. although it always did... i don't really have anything to talk about he stole it all away left me with nothing to say... oh well i'll get it right one day

ahhhhh ok well i'm distressed because i'm tired... but you see i thought it was over i thought i'd dealt with all the shame and pain (ooooh) that went along with whatshisface. but then he's on msn. and i'm offline. and i suddenly want to go online. but i know the only reason is to see if he talks to me. pathetic. pathetic. pathetic. i thought i was over him. plus he moved me down his top friends... the lamest thing ever but it still hurts but i kind of know it had to be this way you say yeah we can still be friends but it will never really work not for a long time thing is i thought this time it would be different but i'm just naiive and innocent and full of false hope... on a more important note, i just finished watching amazing grace. good movie. i have to do a speech on slavery in english so i thought i would watch it. unfortunately we are supposed to focus on the american aspect.... and the movie is set in england so is only partially relevant, but it still gave me a good feel for what the slaves had to go through. thats what the teachers want anyway. empathy. understanding. i guess its more important than facts anyway. the thing i hate, is that stuff like this doesn't get to me enough. i'm a melancholic right, which means i'm a whole heap of stuff,,, and its supposed to include compassion. one thing said brought to tears with compassion. but i'm not. i mean i've never really experienced pain and suffering, or seen it with my own eyes. but you'd think i would have a twinge of compassion from seeing it on tv and hearing about it. but things like this don't seem to get through to me. because they're not real, not to me anyway. i've had to convince myself everything else on tv isnt real, so it's hard to believe that kind of thing... plus words don't do it for me emotionally well,,, they do in some circumstances. but not stories and descriptions, not unless they're written in the right way. or read aloud. i dunno. it just annoys me because i want to be more compassionate, a better person. but how can u make urself become that? it's hard for me to recognise what i can and cannot, should and should not change about myself. what is just me, and what i should change. i had a DnM with my friend over MSN about possibly being pregnant, mostly that one of our friends doesn't take things like that too well... she gets fairly judgemental because she has really strong morals and stuff which is something i respect but i guess she doesn't know how to deal with other people having different beliefs i get her though, because i have the same thing being a christian how do you know what you're supposed to feel towards other peoples actions, when you constantly question whats right for you? i dunno if that makes sense maybe i should just stick to living my life the way i believe, and encouraging my friends to do the right thing, and like explain my reasons why i think its right. but not get all judgemental and forceful anyway the point was, we probably shouldnt have had the conversation over msn cuz we were both getting confused about what the other meant... and im worried she took me the wrong way oh well we're all learning we're still young we can't hold things against each other i just hope they can forgive me... i think in a lot of ways, ur supposed to change friends once you get out of school. i mean you might have one or two that you keep,,, but people learn and change so much during their teenage years... maybe there are different people made for us to be around after or maybe not maybe its easier to be friends with people you've known for so long you learn to respect them you've been through a lot together but then again you'd have very different relationships with people who you met once you'd figured out most of who you are and everything. they wouldn't know what it took to get there i guess that could be good or bad well i've started just rambling so i guess i should be off....

today was fun [sarcasm, one of my many qualities] sose assignment was due, finished it last night, forgot to take it to school. that happens WAY too much -_- then there was a maths test meh it was ok only majorly screwed up one question but you see then my friend goes and tells me that she thinks shes pregnant i was just like shit cuz that morning she was like 'i have news!' and i say 'ur pregnant?!' like the idiot i am that wasnt the news she was talking about... but yeh its weird cuz you see it on tv and stuff but you never think it will happen to anyone you know because none of my friends are really like that... but then i realised you dont have to be 'like that' to get pregnant like i think about 3 of them have actually had sex but yeh she hadnt even told me shed slept with her boyfriend... but they've been going out for almost a year and have been through a lot together so i wasnt surprised. worst part is i dont even care i'm so apathetic im just like meh well she probably isnt and even if she is she'll just go through what every pregnant teenager goes through! i do highly doubt she is though shes probably just freaking out for no reason my school is just like on tv i wonder if thats because tv is based on what happens in the 'real world' (so not) or whether we take on what we see on tv meh but my life is so typical im surrounded by stereotypes and im the one who doesnt know who she is thing is, im still ok after a whole heap of crap in one day... im still happy im just figure none of it actually matters... bad stuff happens its ur attitude that makes the difference! yeh! i wish there was a non-corny way of saying that oh well its cold and i just ate ice cream STUPID idea now im shivering see my life is really boring.. but iv always been a drama queen until now.. but wouldnt it be better than not caring at all?

well my ipods all good... dunno what happened but i restarted it and the computer... and then it worked. plus while they were restarting i did this relaxation thing my dance teacher taught us and i felt better... altho i probably looked like an idiot to the people staying with us.. good news! i actually did piano practice yesterday! and a bit today! i swear thats a record.. and im only 2 days into my piano week homework is not going so good... i'm fairly motivated. but writing about propaganda is hard! there is so much grey area. maths is just annoying in its own right. i know how to do most of the stuff... i just make stupid mistakes and then spend half an hour figuring out what they were so i can fix them. screw english. science test next tuesday, i always do the same on science tests. i'm not great at it, but i pass. usually get like 60-70%. it's not really my passion or career choice so i don't mind. musical? well yeh.... still can't figure out how to act why the hell did i get a part when there are so many other people who would be SO much better than me? seriously, i CANT ACT. and i have all these friends that are great and really waned a part, but i got it, not them. GAY. its too late to convince the teachers to change parts around. actually that was never possible... im gonna make such a fool out of myself. theres this guy i've been talking to online. not really. like once a really crap conversation but its not that its that i kind of feel sick when i think about talking to him. not because he's weird or gross or i don't like him i don't know why. it's just weird. i usually walk home on wednesdays but i had all this work to do... and was tired as anything so i just caught the bus i might walk home on friday i thought my sose assignment was due tomorrow but its due friday:D thing is i wish i hadnt known that yet cuz that way i would have gotten most of it done now that i know that i'm like screw it i'll do it tomorrow... i have a headache i've been on the computer less:D and i cleaned my room! i'm actually really impressed with myself like i still havent done everything i need to but usually i do NOTHING so i did good:) now i just need to do that assignment....

ok i'm currently on a regime to stop swearing and saying all these words that have become habits, unfortunately it ruins the effect of what i have to say, but lets see how we go... MY IPOD WONT FREAKING WORK AND I DONT KNOW WHY AND THERE IS NO REASON AND NO ONE IS HELPING AND I DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO BUT I NEED IT TO WORK NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD im stressed enough as it is... why in the middle of this does it have to screw up???? what is god trying to do to me???? I DONT NEED THIS. FREAKING HELL SOOOO MAD RIGHT NOW. and i told my dad and hes just like 'oh, yeh we probably have that software' or some crap but he ISNT DOING ANYHTING ABOUT IT he never does... he just goes back to watching the tv and yelling at me to do the dishwasher. GAHHHHHHH THERE SHOULDNT BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT!!!! macs arent supposed to get viruses.... so that cant be the problem and i didnt put anything on there that should be screwing it up it cost 400-freaking-dollars so it should work dammmmiiiiitttttt. SO NOT HAPPY it just keeps saying it detected an ipod but couldnt be identified properly WHAT THE HELL. IT WORKED YESTERDAY WHATS FREAKING WRONG?????? lol i sound like a doucheeee but screw that i cant yell at anyone so im stuck typing really hard on some CRAP computer trying to vent my anger its not really working i should learn some relaxation techniques ok well i figure god wouldnt be so mean as to make my ipod screw up when i havent done anything wrong except maybe download a few thousand songs ... damm maybe thats why.. but god isnt like that... he doesnt go and give you random bad luck cuz you've done stuff wrong but maybe hes trying to teach me something and the sooner i figure it out the sooner my ipod works liiiike maybe i need it too much but i dont... i can live without it it just frustrates me because its a waste of time actually maybe its so that i'll stop listening to music and get my work done!!! lol it still wont happen,,,, maybe i just need to stress less i hate when there is something seriously stressing me out and i express my frustrations to someone and they're just like 'ohh too bad' and then walk away i dont usually tell people unless i want them to do something about it!!!!!!!!!!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH ok starving kids in africa starving kids in africa its not a big deal if its seriously screwed up i can get a new one its probably still on warranty im sure it will be fixable lololol im lying i dont think anything will hellp its the end of the world i sure hope no one reads this... oh well i figure you dont know who i am other than a retarddddddd you can just laugh at me:D but i like writing crap on here cuz i cant keep up with journals and if i write them on random word documents i lose them and stuff not swearing is harder than i thought sighs maybe i should go for a run HAHAHAHA dam i really am funny...

i've lost my touch i can't write well && it pisses me off!! i've spent my whole life thinking music is what i'm here for to sing to write to play but i can't even get it right... i've been learning piano for about 9 years you'd expect me to be great right? 9 years is a bloody long time... but i still suck i have all these friends (mostly asian) that play like PROS and it pisses me off cuz i CAN'T i know i would be better if i practised. but screw that i don't want to and it's not like i can make myself want to i just don't like playing the piano not the stuff i'm playing anyway.. and i hate it cuz my teacher and mum both get pissed off i don't practise, and so do i. but it's not gonna change. and then singing. well yeh maybe i'm decently good at it thing is so are 5 million other people there's nothing special about my voice it's bland i don't even have that great a range i mean YAY i can sing in key and do harmonies... and i'm glad i have that ability cuz it's something i would miss but i'm not good enough to go anywhere with it. and i don't even know how to play the guitar... like i started teaching myself a year ago? well yeh i pretty much suck and don't have time to get lessons i can't write songs either i try i write random poems but the very few that i think are good when i write them, i read the next day and am like errrghhhhh and it's the same with dance too,,, i may be good at it... but i'm nothing special. plenty of people are better than me. so what am i gonna do with my life? a career in the music industry is unstable as hell.. but i don't know what else to do i have to do something right? i don't want to teach i don't want to sit in an office i don't want to spend my whole life doing maths... or running a business i want to perform i dunno if it's worth trying i don't want to screw up my life by spending like 5 years trying to get into the music industry and failing.... cuz then there goes 5 years of my life! but i guess i have to try? thats always where my hearts been as random as that is people always say crap like 'listen to ur heart' but mine doesn't really talk... i think there was ONCE when i felt like it was 'my heart' telling me what to do but like... that was my conscience ... or my head... or something un-disney-fairytaleish like that i just knew that that was the right thing for me at the time MAYBE i should listen to god its not like he talks tho either... i sure can't hear anything anyway thats my rant for the day :D actually i lie... usually theres way more than 1

Freedom is so boring. I think that's why i create things to occupy my mind. Things to worry about. I know perfectly well that's all they are. But i'm still addicted to them. Why can't i enjoy having nothing to worry about? I just get bored and unmotivated and apathetic. I guess i need something to aim for. But i always screw it up. It always becomes unhealthy. I guess admitting there's a problem is the first step to fixing it right? For lack of poetic inspiration... Thing is i've known for ages how my mind works and why i end up in these situations. But i still can't figure out exactly what's wrong, and how to fix it. I'm tired again. When am i not? I should try and get to bed before 3 tonight... Anyway i've impressed myself with how easily i moved on :D i think i was just waiting for an opportunity or this particular event... I realised how much was riding on you. So many habits i created were only because of you And even though there is no point to them anymore, i'm having to work to get myself to stop. I need to spend more time thinking. More time sleeping. Less time getting music...