i've been finding myself wishing i was asian lately. maybe because they're cool. maybe because they're so cliquey... they really are. but they're good at everything! and really pretty! it annoys me when people talk in other languages infront of you its unsocial it makes me think they're talking about me i don't want to be around them. i think i'll travel the world. could i be any more random...

For future reference: It's funny how you think things are huge important issues at the time. but then the day that you're over it. you look back. and u groan. at how much time you wasted at what a fool you were i know that while i'm in the middle of it it seems like the world i create reasons why it's important but its just not thing is i know it'll just happen all over again i'll find someone new and fall hard and fast into myself my soul is just searching for reasons to fall 'Liking' people is such a waste of time. My friends are all obsessed with these guys. and it's pathetic. they worry so much about it and think about the person 24/7. but then two months later it's a totally different guy. and they've forgotten about the last one completely. and when you remind them of this they just say, 'but it's different this time!'. it's not. it's exactly the same. just because this time you feel so much more 'in love'. just because this time you might actually talk to them. just because they are so much more attractive. just because they are perfect. it's not different. it's exactly the same. one day you'll look back and wonder what you saw in the guy. one day you'll be ashamed you acted the way you did. I wish i could make you see that now... i'm such a hypocrite although i guess i'm also reminding myself.

I'm getting sick of people thinking they know me better than i do. my friend says to me: "You know, i've noticed lately that you don't really know who you are" and im like damn right i don't know! but what right do you have to tell me that? of course i don't know! i'm a screwed up teenager just like you! difference is, i know who i want to be and i know who i should be. It's always been the same person. and i'm slowly getting there. unlike you who changes who you are just to please someone, and who bases yourself on what other people want to see. not who you want to be. i didn't actually say any of that... i miss her she used to be so different like really independent and sure of what she believed and what she wanted in life. i didn't always agree with her, but i respected her. but then this guy came along. now she's totally different. i still like her. but i don't want to be like her. She doesn't really care about anyone or anything other than herself and her relationship with her boyfriend. actually thats not true she does care. but that's still what her life revolves around. i guess i should be happy for her. but it's hard to see someone change like that and trust that it was for the best.

and i feel so alone this is a sadness i've never knoooownnn lol gotta love the cheetah girls... i'm very glad that whole ordeal is done with:D no more drama! no more pain! no more lies no more shame i've been shaking a lot lately i can't figure out whether it's because i'm wrestless or nervous or anxious or happy or have some nutritional deficiency ...the latter being most likely i've decided i should stop spending so much time on the computer i came home today and my sister was on and i got really mad for a second and then was like wait thats really pathetic i think it's another addiction... i tried writing a song i started off just playing and then one line came to me and i was like hey! lets turn it into a song and then i tried and it was a disaster it frustrates me i went to a music shop yesterday and it was really cool despite just being a shop... i would love to hang out there all the time like a real muso and mess around on the guitars and steal picks haha they have some great pianos there anyway thats pretty much my life at the moment...

Oh god oh god oh god i'm so tired i'm going crazy but its not a good time its my last chance and i still havent figured out what i want to say or if he even cares i don't know should i apologize for being a freak? or just pretend like it never happened? it's hard to say i need god so bad right now i know though that i'm still just being selfish thats all i ever am this whole thing has just been because i am selfish thats why it happened thats why it stopped thats why its been on my mind ever since i thought i had well and truly let go but since its almost over, i let myself think about it stupid mistake and everything i say just digs me deeper into this hole. plus i'm not even in the mood to write well, which would usually make me feel better, but instead i'm just stuck trying to piece together my random thoughts and emotions which never match up. ok relax relax relax there is nothing to worry about i'm just tired god has it in his hands nothing was ever going to go wrong there is no point being worked up over this it just makes me more stupid than before man i'm such a fool but i'm going to be ok i just need to stop talking to people while i'm upset i really do it just leaves evidence of my emotional outburts. i would rather people didn't know that i'm so insecure i'm not always just sometimes this guy renders me ... everything-less lol i have no idea what i'm talking about it's not even him it could be some other guy anyone and i would be in exactly the same position so why do i end up like this? am i that pathetic? lol mannn i really need to go to sleep but then i'll never get to say goodbye! and most of why i'm here is because i need to say goodbye actually this is really not an issue i'm probably just worried about what will consume my thoughts instead of him... maybe i'd rather stick with this obsession i'm used to than open myself up to some new kind of pain i sound so emo ok well i think thats out of my system now... so why hasn't this website been working all day? rather depressing really... it says there are no comments artists users or anything aweeesoooome i'm so bored and it's not helping

Not in a great mood right now. don't know why. i just woke up like this... my WHOLE family is home which is rare these days but i haven't learnt to appreciate it yet. I like to be by myself i like my space but there is so much noise and smells and people everywhere it makes me stress. kind of strange i realised this morning how much power i have over my own mind. I woke up thinking about the situation with a certain someone non stop, but then i just told myself that it wasn't a big deal, and now it's not! i will survive. this has been a decent learning experience. pretty sure if it hadn't been for the whole thing i wouldn't have come back to God. i'd still be colossally screwed up. colossal. thats such a random word. my eyes are kind of sore. maybe cuz i didn't get enough sleep and now i'm just staring at a computer screen. anyway i'm pretty sure i'm a heaps better person through all this, HAHA wow humble too. i know i'm not anywhere near what i need to be, but i've made a decent start. wow. now he's talking to me. and i'm being normal i feel somehow... not stupid? lololol i don't even know what i'm talking about but i'm not all shaky and worried about every little thing i say like i sometimes am. haha pathetic really. i'm so over caring what he thinks about me anyway he's leaving in like two days he's not gonna go telling everyone i'm a maniac right? ... it's not like they don't already know actually freaking maniac.

I was almost ok for a second i turned the other way for a second i had nothing left to say for a second i remembered to pray actually it was for two days but in the long run, it was as worthwhile as a second i'm so not in the mood to write or maybe i am just not well i havent written well since that night when it all began when i first realised this was a big deal and i'm still here two goddam months later i was almost there i tried to hold on i prayed and prayed and prayed but now i look like a fool a desperate obsessive stalkerish fool and i want to convince you that i'm not but won't that just make it worse? i'll just be a desperate obsessive stalkerish lying fool how can i make you understand? why am i back where i started! GAHHHHHHHHHHH i was so close to forgetting about you! to being happy! but then one little comment makes me realise how you must see me... and i don't like it so i get upset although i have a lot of other reasons to be upset for starters i'm REALLY tired and then everything from my family stressing me out to realising that i'm becoming even more self obsessed i just wanted to truly care about you turned out a BIT unhealthy but i'm not as obsessed as i may seem not with you anyway just the fact that this time i HAVE to get it right but it looks like i'm failing its the final countdown seriously this time its either 1 or 3 days and i'm glad and upset i never learnt how to say goodbye so i'm pretty sure i'll get it wrong i don't even know what i want to say this time sorry? thankyou? hopefully we can end on a clean slate? i was wrong you were right i'm sorry that i tried to fight the stupid thing is that once again i'm beneath you and i can't help you from here so i'm just screwing you up even more WHY DO I SCREW EVERYTHING UP??? why do i want people to feel sorry for me? i would a way better job if i could lie but i cant lie not just because it defeats the purpose... but because i'm a really bad liar but if people know the truth they'll never want you so i'm back to thinking i'ts worthless i know you want me but i don't think i'll help you so maybe we can just be secret friends? i won't tell anyone that way they won't get turned off they'll still want you but thats a lie too i know it because i know i'm meant to live for you and people are meant to know please just get me out of this mess in one final night fix everything please. No Song.

It's not fair that someone can make you feel like shit just because you like them just because they don't like you as much [&& so she went and asked everyone just so it wouldnt look strange when she asked him] i've been torn apart by this and then i realised its not just me you're like this to everyone and that hurt even more knowing that i'm not special to you that i'm just another one of your friends but then again maybe thats ok because i'd rather be something small than nothing at all i dunno. it's all too confusing but i'm addicted to it. are addictions things that we think are good for us... but in the long run only do us harm? i never thought about that my wise thought for the day :D. i guess i should let go... Song: Deciphering Me - Brooke Fraser

right now i CAN NOT WAIT for you to leave i'm so sick of going up and down having no idea what is going on inside your head you claim there's nothing wrong but you sure don't act like it! i just want things to be normal cant you just pretend? i'm trying my hardest not to care but i'm not good at lying we're running out of time... i don't think things will ever go back to being normal and it's well and truly too late its been two months i thought i would be over you by now i mostly am but i still care only one more week. this is going to hurt. Song: Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park

i like to wallow in self pity. i like to be hurt. i'm yet to figure out why... it seems to have more meaning than happiness. happiness is fleeting. hurt is stable. consistent. easy. don't i believe i deserve better? not really. people tell me all sorts of things which i know i should believe. but i don't. I'm easily manipulated. by everyone but myself. Song: Not Today - Hayley Jensen