I'm failing. Sometimes it's simply too hard. But what should i do? fall into apathy or keep pushing through. Is it worth it? I'm sorry i'm like this. I'm sorry i always see the worst in people. I wish i was different. One day I will be. Do you care? Are you making fun of me? Fair enough. But it's what i needed And now i have it So i'm satisfied.

Well Jam Donut said sorry. and that she was having a bad day. But... i'm a very skeptical person. pessimistic. And i can't help but think she only made things better between us so she could go back to complaining and telling me about someone we will call Brick. Then again what can i do. I guess it was for the best. I do really value her as a friend. I should stop picking her apart and finding everything that's wrong with her shouldn't I. I'm worse. I have so many flaws if there was a most-flawed competition i would win by a landslide of flaws. Seriously. Maybe i'm jealous. But i don't think so. That's not it. Maybe i just want to feel better about myself and by focusing on her flaws i'm distracting from my own. Except for the major one, which is constantly judging and not loving other people. Oh well things will get better But for now i have the rest of an assignment to do,,,, so. behind. gah.

Random much? That's why you love me:D i have two assignments to do in the next day and a half. And I'm starting to freak out. I've been doing this one part of food tech for almost 4 hours. But it's taking so long. I've almost given up. Mum volunteered me and my sister to look after her work friend's kids. She says it's not babysitting, they just need someone older around. But having three other kids in the house when i'm trying to do homework like crazy is distracting. I kind of just want my parents to hurry up and leave so we can have the house to ourselves. But then again we'll be left alone with the kids. Oh well i guess we can just stick disney channel on. I think i got in a fight with my friend (lets call her jam donut, cuz i'm in a random mood) yesterday. I don't know if it's classified as a fight... But she took her shoes off, and i hid one of them, and then she got REALY mad even though all i did was hide her shoe... Aparently she was having a bad day, but she's been having a bad day EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY lately. I'm over her trying to make everyone feel sorry for her. I don't know whether she's still mad or not, it was at the end of school, and i haven't talked to her since. We were on the bus together but our other friend (A-Team) was feeling reallllly sick so we didn't talk at all. Actually Jam donut tried talking to her but i could tell A-team was just like SHUT UP i'm gonna puke. I was considering saying sorry, but i didn't really have the opportunity. Plus it's not my fault she reacted that way, if some guy had said something flirty to her that day her reaction would have been completely different. I do still like her and respect her, but there are so many things which have been pissing me off lately. Mostly she thinks she's king shit. She always makes comments which say she's better than everyone else and looks down on people irrationally, which would include me. She emotionally blackmails and abuses guys, and then lets them abuse her. She has very few healthy relationships, but she thinks each guy that talks to her just makes her that much better. She thinks she's the best goddam dancer in the world. And she's not. Yeah she's good, but i don't even really think she's the best in the school. And everytime she has a fight with a friend she bitches about them 24/7 to everyone. Which is why i'm kind of on defence mode, cuz i suspect that's what she's doing. She's done it with so many of her other friends, one which she claims as her best friend (Milo), one which she used to (Top), and she blames it all top, when all she did was rely on jam donut (ha this is amusing). And she's done it with other people too. Then she goes and acts nice to their face while behind their backs she's complaining about how they always think they're right and they always lie and are soooo insecure. It's funny cuz she does all those things herself. So what does she have on me? I'm insecure. I have no friends. I have terrible fashion taste, like OMG. I can't dance. I think i'm soooooo good. I am a terrible friend. Well yeh it's all pretty much true, except that i don't think i'm that great, i worry i come across that way. Anyway thats pretty much my bitch rant on that topic, although i might come up with something else. Thing is i don't know how to deal with this situation. I want to do the right thing. But maybe i don't want to be friends with someone who often only talks to you when she has something to brag about. But then again other than that she's a good person, and i like being friends with her. Maybe i should just say sorry, or pretend like it never happened. But in some ways i want to get into an argument so that i can tell her what i really think. Do i have the right to? I won't anyway. I'll just wait till Monday and then act like nothing happened.

i wanted something you couldn't give the will to love and the will to live. i'm addicted to looking in the wrong places

I don't really. I worry i'm really up myself. Whenever i make accidental eye contact with a guy i'm like hey maybe he likes me! and that happens alot, because i look at people a lot. But then i notice them again and again and again and then i start worrying that they think i like them, when really i don't, they just got my attention. It's really lame. I guess i just wish someone would like me. But then again i'm ok if no one does. It's overrated anyway. I mean yeah sure you get the security of knowing that someone actually has liked you and that maybe you're not such an unlikeable psycho, but then you start feeling bad if you don't like them back and then it gets awkward and you just want them to GO AWAY. but yeh. I should stop focusing on guys and start focusing on.. something else more interesting. haha. it sucks anyway there are no hot guys in our year. But in the year below us there are a fair few more... unfortunately i have no connections to them =[. sorry i have no life. i did actually do my health assignment tonight, which isn't due for over a week! be proud, i never do anything early (or on time). so pretty much i have nothing actually worthwhile to say, but i felt the need to talk anyway.

It's all been said before you've heard the addicts cry but i've felt that there is more that is yet to be denied. To say no one has ever felt this way would be a lie I know it's all the same but i know i have to try to get it out, to tell you all to find the reason why I'm addicted to the thought that i could try

but i know it's not your fault. It's mine. It's all mine. I am who i am, why do i keep getting told i'm trying to be someone else? I'm not. I'm trying to be a better me... is that wrong? Should i leave myself alone? But i'm such a bad person sometimes I have to try and change. It sucks being so full of anger and hate anyway I'd rather be loving [loved] Is all this stuff trying to make myself a better person just so people will like me? I don't want that to be true. I don't need that. I don't know what to focus on so that it will all fall into place. how could you be so faithless? i'll figure it all out in time. When it comes down to it, i think my heart is in the right place, and that's what matters right? One day i'll actually get it right. Wait for me.

. I'm such a bitch!! Sorry.

I don't feel bad this time. I don't feel guilty. But i still think it. Is guilt just a reason to keep on doing it? Does feeling bad about it make it ok? Maybe that's why i don't stop. I'm always looking for the easy way out. Is that wrong? Is growth so important? Or is it more important to just get things done? Is there a right way out? Or is the end result all that matters. Addiction. I wish i could admit it. But i keep convincing myself there is nothing to admit to. There are so many things i see in you That i swear i will never be But i keep getting told it's not possible. I'll be drawn to people the same Because it's what i'm used to Because i know how to deal with it. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe none of it matters.

This is not me feeling abandoned This is not me being jealous This is not me being judgmental or so i'd like to think I don't know what my real motives are but i do know what you're doing is wrong All the Bitching. Lying. Complaining. Bragging. It needs to stop [I think I'm better than you because of it don't i? I'm such a hypocrite. And saying that doesn't make it any better.] I'm addicted to people i think i can help [fix] But i'm just as bad They're just my next fix Make me feel better about myself When really i'm doing nothing for no one. What should i be focusing on? When can i get the right to judge? Why can't i stop Is it selfish to just live your life the way you believe is right and let other people do what they want? Or is that what i want, for it to be selfish, so that i have a reason to "help" others. Am i any better than you? No. Are you any better than me? If you don't have problems with all this stuff, i think yes. But i know it's not true. No one is better than anyone. We're all just as desperate Just as lost Even if we don't always see it. So where to from here? Home i guess. Back to our comfort zones Repetition and Distraction. It's so hard to talk to her about religion. I hate that word. It's not religion, It's Jesus. He isn't religion. Religion is getting up at 7 am and having toast for breakfast every morning. The journey of getting to know his love and mercy is not religion. But that's what you call it. I can't be honest with you. [I don't know how to help you because you won't understand it would require you to have faith but you don't want to trust in anything without proof. (that doesn't make you a bad person)] I know christians suck, just as much as anyone else. So try not to rely on us for a valid demonstration of what we believe in! I don't even know what i believe. I don't understand. But i'm getting there Slowly. I'm hoping to understand a decent amount of the world by the time i die. I love knowledge. I love history. It's so weird... But i've begun appreciating it. And then falling back into the arrogant ungrateful deranged teenager i was destined to be. Only a few more years.