I need a hero. sick of your name sick of your voice i wish i could leave but you've left me no choice don't let yourself go don't let yourself go don't let yourself go it's amazing how lost you can get in yourself.

there's no escaping the truth there's no mistaking it's you and it would be all good if only you saw it too... i admire your guts i admire them because it's everything i wish i could do but i can't it's too late for me. how can it be too late? you've only just begun. but i've lost the motivation. and back then i lacked direction now i have it, i can't follow through. I'm scared. I'm scared ok? Afraid. Fearful. Anxious. Frightened. Terrified. Please don't let it stop me. I will do great things. But it's always i will i never am what can i do? now? Get off my backside and help.

I can't face it because i'm afraid i'll embrace it i'm afraid i'll be punished for what i always believed could be stopped but that i won't be able to stop it. is that fair? is it really a choice? or fate. should i fear my fate? What is in store for me. for you. for us? or will i live out this life alone with only my anxieties to keep me company. or 27 cats... I made myself stop worrying because it is not the time not relevant yet but i'm just worrying more than ever in a different way. AND i still have nothing to say.

but its all good because i remembered. it sounds exadurated and probably is since i've been watching lots of movies but i can feel again and not feel bad. hard to explain. meaningless to anyone else.

I'm sick of trying to be smart when things could make sense I'm sick of trying to be wise when things could be easy. I'm sick of thinking about you just because i can't understand why i did what i did. But ill deal with it.

Exposing myself to your judgemental eyes you respond to my vulnerability with laughter by your words i'm not surprised. But i'll keep acting it out until i get an acceptable reply.

Holidays=]=]=] i'm surprisingly motivated. i don't have much to do, but i plan on actually doing it this time. i have lots of shopping to do. actually i have lots of everything to do. we'll see how much i actually do. I'm glad i can get a break from my friends. Some of them are hard to be around a lot... got lots of movies to watch too. these holidays are much needed. I pretty much aced school this last term. compared to usual anyway. Yesterday i sung my song in musical and it was awesome like i actually hit all the notes and it felt so good=]=] but i get so embarrassed afterwards so far this year is going good oh except for piano and theory i'm heaps behind in them i'll catch up these hols ... maybe... anyway i'm actually decently happy at the moment although things with my bestie have been kinda random like i barely see her anymore and when i do i often get kind of annoyed but i think it might just be cuz i'm always tired. there's nothing particularly depressing going on at the moment which is weird for me cuz i always create something if there isn't already dunno why meh sighs pshhh it's cold.

-buried beneath all the lies. stood at a distance to feel who you are hiding myself in your eyes hold on before it's too late until we leave this behind don't fall just be who you are it's all that we need in our lives that song is amazing in many ways its not corny and crappy like millions of cliched songs but it still has an actual meaning i don't know what i need i'm both angry and excited but mostly tired. tomorrow we're having this day at school where we all dress up like retards its great i'm going as a bikey I wish i knew what was going on in his end of the world but only a tiny bit i still want to be the good guy so if something's wrong i wanna help. but i thought it would be better if i just let go completely i thought that was what he would want. but maybe not entirely. actually i don't want any of that i don't want to get involved with him in any way it wouldn't turn out well. i know that. I'm still ok as i said everything would be but for the last couple days i've been thinking about it again ....although for like a total of 10 minutes a day which is A LOT better than 8 hours approximately but i dunno i guess it's that i still care and i don't want to care i want to have let go i want to be that happy caring free person that i see in my imagination maybe it's not realistic? i wish i could fake it but whats the use in a lie? even if its beautiful a beautiful lie.

i don't really have anything to talk about but do you think that will stop me? i want it and i have to stop before i fall again exasperation. i'm so desperate to get vulnerable. actually, i've always been vulnerable but i'm so desperate to show it. to get sympathy. or something like that. I've finally finished all the work they had set for me and now i've been forced back into that room. the one where you can feel in the air that somethings not right. but there's a strange sense of comfort that prevents you from dwelling on it long enough to change anything. I know what i need. i need him. well there are two hims actually... one would make me feel better, but not really make things any better. and the other would make things better, but not as fast and not as obviously. I'll always go for the easy way out or the most satisfactory in the short term. and even though i know this, still nothing changes.

I forgot to dance for how it feels since in dance classes you're always looking in a mirror and my bedroom is full of them and i can see my reflection in the windows all through our living room i always focus on how i look i guess thats what the world does because people have to draw conclusions only from what they see... it's not easy to get inside anyone. anyway... dancing is a lot more fun when you look like a retard.