As if you had a reason. As if it was time. Not yet ready for what they're putting you through Resort to the only thing left inside of you. The heart and the hope and the will to go on. Fading. Despondent. Misused words only placed for the beauty of their sound. Spinning in circles feels better sometimes Makes you feel alone. Spiraling out of control. cliche anyone? We're all spiraling together, But it's not like we notice. It's all a blur anyway. Sometimes stopping is harder. Change of balance. Harder not to fall. The spinning and the blurring and the fading is what holds us up. Keeps us from falling apart.

I resent anything the world considers beautiful and adore anything it does not your questions leave more to be asked your protective nature leaves more to be masked you don't want to help but you still are could you be anymore bizarre! lolsss i'm feeling pretty good right now =]... but i'm worried about my friend. She lets guys treat her however they want, which is usually badly. She has never actually been in a proper relationshp, but she's very boy focused. Thing is, you show people how they can treat you, and she let's them call her a slut and talk about having sex with her and her body and stuff, which i can't see as a good thing in a successful relationship with a guy, especially a friendship. But you can tell she likes the attention, so the only time she tells them to stop is when she whinges like a bitch and they don't take her seriously. How can i tell her she deserves better? I know she secretly wants a guys approval, and this feels like the best way she can get it. But it's not. It's probably the worst... No guy is ever going to truly respect her and care for her if she let's them do this. But she likes it, so how can i tell her it's wrong? Well, she complains about it a lot, but i'm pretty sure deep down she likes it. She's also been pretty bitchy. Like she just randomly says bad stuff about people, but it's been happening more than usual lately. She's starting to sound really up herself, cuz everytime she makes a comment about someone else she says it like it makes her better than them. She's looking for security in all the wrong places. It makes me scared. Cuz even though she isn't a drastic case yet, it is heading there, and soon she'll start doing all sorts of things just to get approval and feel like she's better than other people and worth something. But i can't see her admitting any of it... Maybe she can't see it? Maybe i'm just overanalyzing and making it up... but i'm still worried.

It's so hard to know where to draw the line how long is it before your opinions are mine? when should i take a stand and when should i leave it when should i accept what you have to say when will you start seeing things my way i don't need you to agree i just need you to understand that not everyone like me is bad and wrong and brainwashed and manipulative i need you to understand the reasons behind my opinions not just jump to conclusions and make your own as if you know everything.

This tiredness is undoing me outdoing me. I can't stop. It's like some insignificant form of addiction not important still destructive.

things are looking up again for a second i almost let it fall but i stopped=] i was really tired today which made things kinda suck like i kept tripping over myself and i said 'my messings really writy' and i could not be stuffed acting in musical musical has been crap anyway we never do anything and when we do it's always this one scene that i hate cuz i suck at it and we've done it like 50 TIMES! anyway i'm also supposed to find dance shoes but i don't know anybody who dances with size 10 feet.... oh well screw that i'm mad at my teacher i have nothing to do.

- School tomorrow. Yay. -_- I can't decide what to wear [which version of myself to be] Today was good i didn't think too much just shopped and danced and cooked and looked at myself in the mirror sad, but fun. I have really random clothes and some days i'll dress all sophisticated but then some days i just want to wear black and then sometimes i want to be cute and some days i wanna be gangsta and sometimes i just throw on whatever i can find. does that indicate that i have no sense of self?

before it begins Holidays are over in two days. dammit. I hate the last few days of hols,,, cuz i just spend the whole time trying to make the time go slower, and not really doing anything. I slept at my friends place last night. it was good but whenever we stay together we always end up on msn and certain people always talk to her way more than they would ever talk to me... and it still kinda hurts. But it's ok It's not as bad as it used to be. She loves talking about them though and sometimes i wish she had other things to talk about other than people those people. I think the real reason i feel upset is cuz im tired i guess. i hate when i first wake up cuz i'm so delerious and my brain goes about 50 times slower or maybe it just seems that way... my nails look like dinosaurs i would really like to make some good friends. more good friends... like i have friends and everything but we kinda just do random stuff together i dunno what i'm looking for but something more.. people who have are lacking a life as much as i am so that i can just do stuff with them instead of them always having stuff to do or not being bothered it's probably my problem anyway. I want to find my niche with people who make me feel like i'm enough as i am AND that i like but why talk to someone quiet when you could talk to someone loud? thats how they must see it. i see it as rejection. lol im not in the mood to be serious and depressing yet i am pointless much? [it helps]

Tired.

This world may be kind But the real world is more satisfying. I don't want to be held down by anything addiction dependance desperation. so i won't be. hope. love. peace. they are always there but you have to choose to accept them. don't fool yourself into thinking it's all make believe. it's there don't wait for it take it.

Sorry honey, but i think it's about time someone told you. Fucking everything is not going to help! You're gonna have to find some other way of dealing with it.