aaahaa, you knew i'd be back. be still, my bebez

hahaha, everytime i open this god forsAken thing to write an entry, i always get busy doing something else. not alot has happened lately, the best friend is mad at me, has been harassing me, as have all her other friends/random people she told she hates me to. go figure. i'd take more time to make this out to be a bigger deal than i am, but i'm not really feeling quite so up to it today. spring break starts tomorrow. woooo0o0o. i'm definitely excited. can't wait to see what (if something?) happens. i just read my mom's article in The Paper. She used a Die, Emperor! Die! quote :) uhhm. not alot is going on to be honest... reconnect with old friends recently. that always rules

maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. i disappoint myself sometimes. wait, sometimes? i mean once, today. ..for the first time, ever, i turned down a kiss from a super hot guy. a POTENTIALLY HOT FUCKIN KISS! like, it was there. it was SO there. the face was cradled, the crotches were touching, the lips were being stared at.. you know. basically all i had to do was go the 10 degrees to press my lips against his. but NO. you know what i did instead? "heh...i....i should get back to my homework." WHAT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?!?! maaaan. this nigga right here NOT turn down kisses from the hottest guy in the school. ESPECIALLY. but y'know what? i do wonder what would happen if i could go back. would i do it or puss out again? i honestly think i wouldn't do it. it just sucks. hahaha. fuuuck. it was SO THERE.

ahhhh, freedom. choices.

oh god i have never been so lonely in my entire life.. i want to apologize. i want him back. i want him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright. i want him to carry me to my bed and cry with me. i want him back. i want him back. i want him b a c k. i don't know what to do lately. people are jumping all over me asking me what i'm going to do. hey assholes guess what? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. i don't think i'm heartbroken. just disappointed. lonely. i am in need of affection and intimacy so bad. i can literally get addicted to a guy's touch. the way i feel so.. safe and warm. secure. /end pity party. on a higher note: me and my friend were gonna do some insanely insane mind-blowing shit yesterday. hahaha, but we both pussed out (plus we had to make a pipe out of aluminum foil, WTF?) so we just got high and watched movies instead. which was cool, cause we watched some Quentin Tarantino movie and then Flushed Away (which was def. cute, those little slugs

lol goddamn it i have so much to say but i don't even know where to start. or if i should start at all. I saw my boyyy today. (well, he's not mine anymore. but that's what he's gonna be referred to as) it was simply amazing. to be honest, i miss him so much it hurts. we had one of those deep conversations that used to take place everynight. i slept alone last night. it was terribly lonely and cold. i cuddled with my pillow. but something new, something fucking epic is taking place. there's a shift in my head gradually happening. i hope i like it. cause it would totally suck balls if i didn't. ball. suckage. it wouldn't be pretty, guys.

in four words, that's me. friday: broke up with the boy. cried together. saturday: kicked him out. cried together before he left. sunday: took him back cried alone. i hope to god this is the right decision. because if it isn't, i might've just made the biggest mistake of my life. i'm trying so hard to be strong, but oh my god. it hurts so bad. it hurts when i breathe, it hurts when i speak. it hurts when i move. it hurts to look other people in the eye. it hurts to wake up. it hurts. i want him back, but i want myself back more. (i think.)

it just got ten times worse. fuck my emotions and fuck yer mama. /end suspense.

i am a piece of shit. this is about to be a pointless entry, too. but i just wanna say that i love: Art Bitch - CSS Do You Feel At Home? - Commander Venus What Kind of Love - Avantasia and that's all. because everytime i make one of these lists, i wanna go on and on, hahahaha. also: i have never been so fucking confused - yet totally content - in my entire life. holy fuck. what the hell is going on. see title for explanation. ask me if curious. give advice if helpful. be my friend if wanted. because it's welcome

i don't really have any super-duper import-fantastic-ant news, but i felt like posting so. posted? i don't really like talking about my personal life (not just on here; with anyone-anywhere) but i've really been struggling lately. and it's the same exact cliche problems i never expected to get me in the end.