so i thought about deleting my username. then starting a new one. then deleting all of those entries. twice. but then my conscience was like, "hey kim, you're better than that!" who's your best friend? "me." that's right, now give yourself a hug.

what a superlative fucking day. my friends, they're amazing

so mike was cremated. wasn't supposed to be done until the day after the funeral. but his nosy-ass still made his own goddamn party :D we set him (complete with a Busch beer, Winston cig, and his NAPA hat :)) in the middle of all of us. toasted him a billion times. remininsced on him. i heard so many fucking funny stories, hahaha. for example: mike was sick for a bit before he died, right? and apparently he had very, very cute young nurses (lol!) and then Jodi told us that Mike said that he didn't think they were cute and he never hit on him. Crazy Larry walked slowly, but surely, up to the box where his ashes were, grabbed it, held it up to his face and went, "....LIAR!" aaahaahahahahaha. god. i love that family so much. also, he was on pissloads of medicine, but he was allergic to morphine, so when they put him on it, he hallucinated like a motherfucker. once when we were standing by the hospital bed he goes, "okay, just stand there in the rain and get soaked, dumbasses!" (that was his main name for everyone. if you EVER did ANYTHING remotely stupid, you were labeled "dumbass" for the rest of your life. unfortunately i was just a goofyass little kid when I met him, so i was nicknamed dumbass early on.) and then another time we were in the room and a bunch of doctors were walked back and forth outside in the hallway, and mike goes, "the water's kinda cold, but jump on in!!" when i first met him he chainsmoked allllllll the goddamn time. like insanely insane chain smoking. so i would always be like "Mike! Smoking kills!" you know, that was basically my trademark thing to say to him... so after knowing him for a couple months/a year, he dislocated his shoulder trying to flick a cigarette outside the window in the car (LOL) and we all made him Get Well Soon cards. you know what I put in mine? "SMOKING DISLOCATES!" i had the nickname "dislocates" after that for awhile. while me and maggie were at his house cleaning up, i found that card in a drawer. :) Mike was in my life for six years. He literally took my world and shook it the fuck up. He may not know it, but he was the one who told me to speak my mind. To give everyone a piece of me and be the most loving person you can be. And that's who I am. I never told him, but I looked up to Mike so much. No matter how weak he looked, you were still a dumbass and he was still gonna beat ya half to death! I miss everything about him already and it's so weird hanging around his house and him not being there to flick me in the head or tell me I'm a fuckin goofball. He's not there to laugh with me or cry with me. He's not there to hug me and tell me he loves me. He's not there to demand me to go fetch him a beer. He's not there anymore. He's not there. But everyone he ever was around, everyone he talked to, everyone he has ever met... has a story to tell, has a piece of him. We're suffering without him, but he's with all of us. Now, I'm not a religious person. At all. But the insane fucking events that have been going on lately, the random "flicks in the head" from Mike, have been enough. I am so so fucking thankful for that. Even after his death, Mike continues to be with us everyday. His presence is almost frightening. But, I guess it's just something that will become easier with time. R.I.P. Big Mike, we all know you'll make yourself damn comfortable in Heaven anyways :P Now I've wasted enough e-journal entries on your bitchasssss, get outta here. :) So it is officially 9:59 AM (whyyyy the fuck am i awake!!?) I just got home from Jodi's, hungover as fuck, and yet I've been taking surveys all morning. Lol, Jesus. Anyways, here you go! Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? Yeah..then I punched myself in the head repeatedly to eradicate such conceptions. Does a kiss make you feel better? Duh :) Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? I don't think so. Maybe. Probably. Yes. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? Before. What the fuck, who wants to stand in cold water? What did you do today? Blehh. Be awesome, deh. Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower? Hahaha. Man I do that all the time! Nobody believes me that I'm definitely NOT the only person in the world who does that. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time? Lol. Probably in like second grade. *Puts on cool-kid shades* Have you ever thought about your death? I think about being a bomb-ass TK'er in hell :D hahahah Ever been in love? Nah dawg, Love's been IN ME! (aaahahah, sexual punss ftw) Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field? Honestly? I dunno. Both are nice :) What is your favorite sport? Basketball. Fo'sho. What color is your shower curtain? Blue I think? Hahaha, I dunno. It has fish on it, if that counts. Have you ever had stitches? Yes. Owwie-Ca-Bow-ie. Did you believe that boys/girls had cooties? Hahah, probably. I think I almost circle-circle;dot-dot'd myself to an early death. Do you know how to use chop sticks? Nigga I can barely use a fork. Lyrics stuck in your head? I'm listening to Demons & Wizards right now, so I guess Crimson King? Do you like the Red Sox or Yankeess? Uhm..Cardinals? What are you doing tomorrow? Your mother. Oh-hooo. Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of? Me and Daviebabie just had a staring contest. GUESS WHO WON!? That's right. *flexes irises* Have you ever given money to a homeless person? Yes. I can't help it. They gets 2 meh. Have you ever run over an animal? Oh my God, no! When animals run across the road while I'm driving I just scream and put my hands over my eyes.... Haha. What is your favorite cereal? MARSHMELLOW MATEYS. Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter? I've had jelly with peanut butter. What are you doing right at this moment? Taking this quiz, duh! Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Uhm. I guess by today's standards. But it's also "okay" for "Straight" guy's to wear "their" little "sister's" jeans.. Where's your favorite place to be? My woods 08. orientation: Straight... as a circle!! .... God, that sucks and is just unnecessary the second time. 09. lefty/righty: Ambidextrous. Hell yeah, $19 Scholarship, here I come! TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE 01. have you ever been in love: WHAAAAT'S LOVE, GOT TO DO, GOT TO DO WITH IT?! WHAAAAT'S LOVE BUT A SECOND-HAND EMOOOOTION?! WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO, GOT DO TO WITH IT? WHO NEEDS A HEART WHEN A HEART CAN BE BROOOOOKEN!? 02. do you believe in love: Haha. Maybe. Kinda. Sorta. Yes. 03. why did your last relationship fail?: Hmm. Depends what you really define as a "relationship".. The last one that involved the actual whole "will u d8 me check yes or no" ended because his nigga ass moved and I was all "Nigga whar yo azz is??" all the time.. But the last *real* relationship ended because I realised I didn't even like the guy. Plus he was in love with my best friend. God, can you say awwwkward? 04. have you ever been heartbroken: Nah dawg, nah. 05. have you ever broken someone's heart?: Probably. Sorry bout that! 06. have you ever fallen for your best friend: Yo muh best fren is my cousin and I rilly ain't down with da incestation. 07. have you ever loved someone but never told them: I've never told a guy that I've loved them. That'd just be ludicrous. 08. are you afraid of commitment: Yes. Fuck yes. Jesus Christ. 09. have you ever had a secret admirer: Ha. Yes. What a Creepy McCreepster. 10. do you believe in love at first sight: When I meet a guy I automatically imagine myself falling in love with him and what the potential outcome could be. Which is really, really creepy when I'm meeting my friend's fathers. TEN THINGS: THIS OR THAT 01. love or money: Heh. How much money? 02. hard liquor or beer: Hard liquour. 04. one night stands or relationships: Not being a whore > Being a whore. 05. television or internet: The internet. Or else I would be harassing people via T.V. right now.. 06. pepsi or coke: Mountain Dew? 07. wild night out or romantic night in: Hah. It depends who I'm with.. My friends? Wild night out; fuck yeah. My boy? Romantic night in.. maybe. I love partying with my boyfriend though. He's insane in the cerebellum. Or membrane. 08. colored or black and white pictures: 20X20 PIXELATED PAINT BY COLOUR PICTURES. 09. phone or in person: In person. Duh. I blow at talking on the phone, hahaha. BUT I DUN BLOW IRL KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKKEKEKEKKKKEKEKEKEK 10. aim or myspace: Uhhhh.... MSN? TEN HAVE YOU EVERS 01. have you ever been caught sneaking out: I don't "sneak out." I "walk out the front door." 02. have you ever skinny dipped: Lol. Lol. Lol. Yes. God. 03. have you ever done something you regret: No. It's what I DON'T do that I regret. 04. have you ever bungee jumped: Nah dawg, nah. 05. have you ever been on a house boat: Who the hell do you think I am? 06. have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker: One of those tiny ones. *Flexes jaw muscles* 07. have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt: Well uhm. Not physically 'cause that would just be creepy. "Yeah, I want you so bad, my kidney's ache for you." 10. have you ever been caught by your parents doing it? Oh, doing it? Like..One time my mom walked in while I was clipping my toenails. It was brutally embarassing. I hadn't clipped them for months. TEN EMOTIONS 01. are you missing someone right now: I miss someone everyday. 02. are you happy: Yes. In a way, I guess. 03. are you talking to anyone right now: I sure am. 04. are you bored: No, I do ridiculously pointless surveys when I am just swamped with things to do. 05. are you german: I'm Kim. 06. are you irish: I'm Kim. 07. are you french: I'm Kim. 08. are you Italian: NO COCKSUCKER, I'M KIM. 09. are your parents still married: Yes.. but they've been "seperated" for 6 years now.. 10. do you like someone right now: Yes

i know i've said this before but lately everything still seems so fucking jaded... i wonder if life will just continue to fucking.. eradicate itself into nothingness. just a random thought. _____________________________________________ more and more as i get older and mature i incessantly find myself going, "huh, well isn't that ironic?" it's laughable and almost becoming a routine. please help me make it stop. _____________________________________________ it's a scientific fact that teenagers use their amygdalas more and adults use their "frontal lobe" which inevitably leads them to making more rational decisions. but you know what i say? fuck that. fuck your stupid science and your arrogant "it's a proven fact"s and your fucking "we're more educated on this than you"s. i say fuck that because you can't prove anything if you've never even experienced it. they recently tested a "certified" genius who was a teenager, because they figured he would use his front lobe more.. guess what? he didn't. why? because he's, emotionally, a fucking normal TEENAGER, regardless of whether he knows his fucking books.. point here is whether you go by heart or mind, if your decision is well-thought out and not on a whim, you will make a damn good decision. ____________________________________________ you know what the fuck fucking sucks? first-impressions guhhhhh. my fear for them is almost enough to make me a homebody, make me not want to meet people ever. but no. i go the fuck out there and i put myself in front of you and i wear my heart on my goddamn sleeve. i am naturally a very social person... but that doesn't mean i still don't get nervous as fuck when going in front of a crowd (audience?) of people and presenting myself. i've sang, talked, cried, cussed, raged, protested, danced, laughed, done tricks, acted, and made fun of people in front of large crowds, audiences, gatherings, groups, followings.... on stages, on platforms, during concerts, on the ground, in the air... i've done so many things in front of people that could easily define myself in people's eyes that it's almost ridiculous. and you know what? i've done some shitty things, but even then, some people didn't turn me away right off the bat. and the ones who did, fuck you. fuck you and your demeaning glances. fuck you because you think you're cooler than me. fuck that, you're inferior to me in every way. why? because i had the fucking balls to go up there and put the spotlight on me for a couple of seconds/minutes/hours. those people who still laugh at my lame jokes, who cheer when i shout my opinions, who encourage me when i get shaken up, those people... those people are a blessing. granted they could only be in it just to follow the crowd, but who the fuck cares? it's what fucking keeps me going and it's why i do what i do. it's why i love talking to people so much, it's why i can initiate conversations with strangers and not be self-conscious of what i'm saying. it's why i can fucking be me. thank you. ________________________________________________ i'm done ranting, but i just wanna say thank you to all of my friends, family, strangers, and songmeaning members who have comforted me, cried with me, sent us food (chocolate fixes everything!) catered to my every whim (regardless of how fucked up i was, and what my most ridiculous demand was; you were there), stuck with me through all of this, and most of all, listened to me. my friends have consequently been divided into who's true blue and who's not. and the users on here who read my last entry and had enough sense to figure out what was wrong, those of you who reached out to me, thank you so much. it's been so rough, and it still hurts so bad, but to know that there's people out there, man, there's people out there who care about me and who don't even know me! i am so thankful. words cannot describe. it makes me feel so good to know that humanity hasn't completely went down the fucking drain. thanks for being my hope, guys. thanks for being my friends, my hope, and my blessings.

oh. i understand now. he died this morning. he died this morning and still hasn't left the bed yet. those motherfuckers won't pick him up. oh god, poor jodi. oh god, poor mike. oh god, poor mom. and i can't say or do a damn thing about it. why? because i am a pussy. that's why. i can't say anything because i don't know what to say. i can't do anything because i don't know what to do. i can just hug and cry and hold and fuckin' cry some more. oh god it hurts so bad.

Once upon a time, a young girl who went by the name of Kim (or Princess CoolestBroadEver) decided to get on www.google.com and google'd her special little username on the magical site called www.songmeanings.net. It just so happens that she came back with a couple results, and decided to check them out. The outcome? See them for yourself. :) A chick named "kquedequalsvolvo" [yes I copied and pasted the name] was making fun of me. She said 3/4 of Canadians are lame, BT sucks, and no one cares that I'm so surprised I don't seem 12 and I describe everything in way too much detail. I don't know why I'm telling you this. But, I just wanted to freak out. And now I'm sad. What a bitch! And now I will tell amyst cause I'm a loser like that! Yeah, that chick's a bitch! I'm glad I'm not alone, Ben was right! *Hugs... computer screen....* Ha, I hope it airs soon. I hope it airs on my birthday, that would be an awesome present. "So what did you do for your bday?" "WATCHED JOSH RAMSAY ON VOT!!" "Who the fuck is Josh Ramsay?" Hahaha. I can see that convo! I hate the way my list says I listened to stuff I didn't listen to! NOT AN AVRIL FAN! In conclusion, young Princess CoolestBroadEver lol'd herself allll the way home. Thank you for this magical experience guys. It's been real, and it's been fun. But it hasn't been real fun. (lol sike it's been gr8)

i don't know what the fuck is going on. i don't know what the fuck i'm feeling. and my mom has been so sad lately and won't tell us why :( last time this happened.... well, it's basically a piece-of-string story. you know. "too damn long." also; i'm starting to get this crazy obsession with Death and Dark Angel. that's you know. basically all. :)

JORDAN'S HAIR IS OFFICIALLY LONGER THAN MINE GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

FUCK all of you overdramatic motherfuckers who make people my age look bad. ATTENTION: NOT EVERY 14 YEAR OLD IS SELF-ABSORBED, PATHETIC, WHORE-Y AND/OR THINKS SHE HAS/HAD A SHITTY PAST OR THINKS THAT SHE IS/WAS IN LOVE. PLEASE FUCK OFF AND SUCK BALLS THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE WHAT I PREVIOUSLY STATED. thanks.

this town aint big 'nuff for the both of us