hey. another rant sesh. sorry - emotions are getting the best of me right now. INTERNET AND INDIE ROCK ARE KILLING HARDCORE. if we feel we have to watch what we say in this "open-minded" scene of ours, if we feel we have to dress or act a vertain way to fit into this scene, which it seems like this is the case, then that is when you need to throw this away and build something new. what - i have no answers, just like all of you, but i do know you feel the same way i do. look at the direction we are headed in. i wanted to write a bunch of positive for-the-kids stuff but i feel fucking jaded. i love this as much as i hate to say it. - JONATHAN EDWARDS. 1. old bands reuniting should be a crime punishable by death. it's a sad sight to see a band you grew up loving and then you see the "reunion" show or "cash in" show. because of the old school resurgence trend, and they have to announce before every song that it was written almost a decade ago and it meant something different then. how pathetic. milking the scene, money grubbers, stay in new york and listen to your shitty post-hardcore bands. (should be NONHARDCORE) fuck you and your scheme to make money. 2. i couldn't give a shit if you look like spock, if you look like a jock, who you fuck, who you know, what band you are in, how you dye your hair black, and dress in all black, if you're vegan, if you're straight or if you fell off the wagon, if you like me or not because i am not here for your approval, if you're oldschool or not, or if you don't like this band. the only thing i care about is the people who make up this band the sincerity of everyone in this band, making music, pissing people off and making people happy. i also care about victory records polluting our scene with such fucking garbage, putting ads in porno magazines and creating such stupid stereotypes on something that i love that they obviously know nothing about. don't support this bullshit and FUCK YOU, EARTH CRISIS E-CHORD WARRIORS. 3. i've been let down before - it wouldn't be the first time. i am disappointed in my surroundings, including the majority of individuals who make up these surroundings. no matter how hard i try, i know i'll never be able to leave it behind, even though sometimes it would probably be easy. it's surprising how much of a soap opera this has become, how we can be so accepting to what we hear, so naive, so judgmental, so petty. i never once said that i wasn't guilty of these things, but i realized that people get hurt. everyone in this "movement" is hurting. we are tearing it apart from the inside out. this "scene" isn't welcoming new people, it's practically initiating kids by emotionally damaging them. each day, i find out something about myself that not even i know, and it hurts 9 out of 10 times, it's not true and it's happened to all of us. this was created to leave accepted behaviour like this behind, but we've seemed close to ourselves off from the rest of the world and everyone's selfishness is destroying our little "world" we have created. wouldn't it be funny if this ceased to exist. there are no scenesters in everyday life. no one cares in this scene or out. so why can't we all get along. go! fuck your computer... thank you to all of the people who have made the effort to talk to us and encourage us along the way. you mean so much more than you'll ever know. xxx (the set-up) it's frustrating at times when conversations between friends are based solely on the "picking up" of the opposite sex. let's forget our animal instincts for a bit and put the lust aside. there's better things to concentrate on than which person you can fuck this week. -first half- walk down the line of faces to dish out good will from the inside from giving hands with an open reward of nonsense the path inscribes black bow ties and thinking with two heads. i tune out. -second half- a pile of filters and coarsed tar my hand slips i lose her. (the set-up) and it hurts so much when you come home to find a loved one explaining to you that they have emphysema. there's nothing to say in return. nothing to say in response to a completely fucking ridiculous habit that they can't break. a habit that they're not planning to break. and it hurts to see her taking even more pills than she was a couple days prior. and it hurts to hear her talk about "when the time comes." and it hurts to see her put another cigarette in her mouth. and it hurts accepting that she won't quit. and it hurts even more when a close friend picks up one of those cigarettes, knowing that there is absolutely nothing positive about it, and starts piping away. and what hurts the most is that i can't do or say a damn thing about it.

I AM SO FUCKING ANGSTY LATELY. SOMETHING FUCKING RANT AND BE PISSED OFF WITH ME. FUCK!!

4. fate is defined as a blow to the head. taboo. 5. whether the AIDS virus is natural or man-made, it still poses as a serious problem. it seems that there is just not enough research going into a cure, it seems as if people don't even care if it's spread or not. afterall - it's just a homosexual disease, right? quit being so fucking ignorant, and quit letting your sexual organs (second heads) fuel your actions. death doesn't compare to a one-night stand - he's got a black cloak and a sickle. 6. walking around downtown at four in the morning, everything seems so urgent. the way the steam rises off the street, running from every footstep. it all tries so hard to both be seen and heard. and always seems to fall short of being understood. i tried to lose myself in all the antiquity of this place. the smells, the sound. honestly it's amazing. the thing's you overlooked and passed by when you have things to do and places to go. i tried to get lost but failed. it's hard to get lost when every street turns into a memory, comfortable or not, and i guess it's impossible to get lost when you have memories. life seems to roll by and fuckin never takes the time to say hello,fuckyou,or goodbye. it just keeps moving and you're left to come up with the script and soundtrack and everything in between. as obvious as this sounds, you have to work at living. and i'm wishing i didn't have to work at it. that it would just be there and beside you and not in front of you and so out of reach. several months ago i walked into a small smoke filled room, and i witnessed a testament of four souls who bled and cried and fuckin bled some more. they put everything into it they had for about fifteen kids not fully understanding what it was they were seeing. for the first time, not too long after, i heard the words 'emotional revolution.' and for the first time since that day i fell in love with music. i found something to believe in. i didn't have to work at being alive. it wasn't some petty want. it was a fucking need. plain and simple. and for a long time i believed that, but don't put your faith into something that requires other people. you get fucked up like a goddamn car crash. you get let down. i got let down and fuck them and fuck you because it was you who were the ones lying to me. because it was you who built me up and tore me apart with all your finger pointing and backstabbing. you see for that one brief shining moment it was real. they were real. you were real. and for that brief shining moment i was fucking real. 7. hardcore has turned into catchphrases and slogans to be worn on our t-shirts. we traded in our revolution for some sound and lost feeling of cool. we have turned this into a priviledged white boys club. this isn't some cool hip statement, this is just honesty. with a herd of middle-class men trying to attract the opposite sex and trying to look good in the process. and now the final straw has to be pro-life and christian politics entering our community, hardcore has become a lie, and a very laughable one at that. i don't have a solution but i know it has to change from what it is now. the lies. the bullshit lyric sheet rhetoric. the fingerpointing. this is a good start. 8. a light film of inconsistant humidity spreads as a glazing from the pores not a single drop darkened brows eyes fix upon as in a trance they stare on drifting implosions traveling in haste lacking specific motion darting through sycronicity suffering erosion early dawn late dusk the cycling situation indespensible rushing racing through time into a fading lull wives tale. 9. an idea like no other ruined and tangled into a contradictive statement. street by street, block by block. YOU HYPOCRTICAL FUCKS you and tony victory are nothing but corporate rock you stand and call us fags and leave the show with money bags. get the kid with the sideburns. INFECTIOUS IGNORANCE i want to discuss these kids in hardcore that claim to be so open minded about different political issues in these these discussion groups at festivals. from the two i have witnessed (north carolina and the more than music) all these groups are kids looking for approval for their opinions. nothing new is ever shared. most of the facts are regurgitated from a frail 7" or something where the kids spout off about knowing sociological studies or statistics and the whole discussion turns into rikki lake where they pat you on the back if you agree with the group's opinion and if you don't, everyone attacks you. the same people are complaining about making hardcore a safe space for women, minorities..etc. how can it be safe for anyone if you have an opinion that differs from the mainstream group where then you are attacked and labeled sexist, racist, homophobic, whatever. you kids that do this do not sound intelligent, and let me tell you that anyone who knows anything about sociological problems or statistics is not impressed with your rants. so when you want to impress people and look knowledgeable, please talk about real fucking facts. thannnk you dan fucking temple. no address 'cause i don't care what you think, shitface.xxx don't waste one fucking second, not one. i've lived that perfect summer that everyone writes and sings about and i want nothing more than to go back. i couldn't tell you exactly when or where it ended. somewhere between 113st street and exit 75. i couldn't tell you exactly when my friends all started to move away or where some of them went. i couldnt tell you why some of them stopped believing in themselves and eachother but it happened. that summer i forgot everything i ever worried about, school, parents, work, fuck all that. i was too busy swimming until my toes even pruned and laughing so hard i thought i'd throw up or staying up so late we all just lived the next day and forgot to sleep. we did it all. some of us graduated and some of us dropped out but we were all through with the fat christian guidence counselors and classroom jail cells that smell of a mix between hospitals and #2 pencils. pep rallies... over cooked pizza, under cooked fries and pledges of allegiance. FuCK iT aLL To HELL. it was perfect. everyday, every second of every hour. blue skies that you could see right through. calling in sick to work or just plain quitting our shitty jobs just to jump out of a tree into a dirty river at some hicks house that we didn't even know. climbing roofs, getting kickedo ut of everywhere, running around naked. so many big hugs, wrestling matches, rootbeer stomach aches, double dog dares and a big, "fuck you mom, i'm going to live for once." i was convinced that it would never end but it did. i ended up getting mono from all the sleepless nights and endless days. it was so fucking worth it. good enough to write a book about... [this is not the end. we're living proof.]

dude I'm fucking cold. I'm so glad I went tonight. it's so weird how all your best friends from so many different years and so many different schools can all show up in one place. i fucking reconnected that shit like no other.

urgrghrgrghgrgh. i'm upset. and i can't say i had a bad day. because i didn't. and i can't say people are mistreating me. because they're not. and i can't say my mom's being a dick. because she isn't. and i can't say it's because of school. because it's not. and i can't say it's because of anything going on right now. besides me. besides my emotions. besides my head. and my fucking "chemical imbalance" and my fucking "don't believe in medicine" and my fucking "i'm too good for therapy" and my fucking "i need you so bad." but now you're here.

Schlechter Penguin Schlechter Penguin Schlechter Penguin Schlechter Penguin Schlechter Penguin Schlechter Penguin Schlechter Penguin Schlechter Penguin Schlechter Penguin Schlechter Penguin Schlechter Penguin who's Ben E.? i read your journal alot, all creepstein style, and i still don't get who that is. is it some celebrity, some guy you blow in the school bathroom, or like.. your other half?

that's top o' the line. cute face, slim waist, wid a big behiiiind. dude, holy fucking shit. Conor Oberst is so fucking hot man, i've been listening to his bitchass since I was like 12. but goddamn. i saw a few pics in some 'zines here and there... but goddamn! i would fucking hit that shit. mm mmm mmmm. guess it doesn't help that i love absolutely everything he does. oh god, i would have his babies. everywhere. babies everywhere. mmmm. bout 2 get me sum bright eeyyyyyyeees.

i have never been so fucking bored in my entire life. kimmydillon32@hotmail.com is there civilization out there? talk to meee! promise i won't be more awesome than you in the first chat. :p np: VNV Nation - Saviour. guhhh

I have a new unhealthy obsession with the following bands/artists: [the albums are in parentheses] Death (Symbolic) Clint Mansell (The Fountain OST) Within Temptation (The Silent Force) Tim Fite (Gone Ain't Gone) Call Me Loretta (Scars EP) i have to go play with Scrufflestiltskins now. See you.

http://www.dobi.nu/fullbleed/ i like these shirts. and i think reese witherspoon is fucking cute. and she has a beautiful voice. and i like her better than June Carter. and Joaquin Phoenix is ten times hotter than jcash. but jcash is still 10x better at everything he does. i like walk the line. i like this soundtrack. i like liking stuff. ^_^ will you be my e-valentine?