thought this was totally cutesy wootsy: WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother & father's middle name) Lynn Glen hahaha. i would so get made fun of. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother's dad, & father's dad) Rich Bill hahaha sounds like a Pimp's name. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) Dilki lol. wtf. no comment. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Purple Cat the next sherlock holmes!? SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Allison Lake St. Louis hah. shitty. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning) The Red Hydrive lol.. i'm here to.. save.. the day? FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Kion ROCK STAR NAME: (current pets name, Street your on now) Cigarette HWY CC bahahaha, wtf. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy) Glo Bliss haha um. yum? PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on) Mama Kitty Millwood LOLOLOL.

i went to the doctors and BEGGED them not to give me a shot. they give me 5 pills to take a day instead. that's 4 pills of steroids and one of a fancy name for Benadryl. the benadryl makes me so sleepy, yet the steroids pump me up. thus explaining while i went to bed at midnight, i'm wide awake now. 3:42 A.M. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut arrived in the mail today. word, bro. I've read Sirens of Titan so i'm anxious to see how this one compares. I can't stop eating popsicles. The kind in the plastic holder that you have to coax out by breaking a piece off and feeding it up to the top of the plastic and into your mouth. "would you stick your head in fire if I told you you could see Hell? Meanwhile, you too stupid to notice you have a demon's head stuck up your asshole screaming, 'Holy Miss Moly! I think I've got me a live one!" House of 1000 Corpses. hahahaha. He (Otis) is also responsible for my favorite quote in The Devil's Rejects... "I am the devil! Here to do the devil's work..." hahahaha. gah, i usually hate Rob Zombie, but House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects are two of my favorites. (The Devil's Rejects coming in first although it is the sequel. Saw August Rush the other day. Wasn't as good as I thought/hoped, Check out the Pink Mountaintops... I'm always skeptical to check out people's suggestions on here, because some of y'all have the worst music taste ever, buuuut it's such a good band. You should really first listen when you're high though. It's no Pink Floyd experience, but it's definitely worthy of Crosby, Stills Nash and Young listeners. Get "Tourist in your Town" and "Plastic Man, You're the Devil"

http://www.songmeanings.net/journal.php?uid=17251001 go to the entry about love. be enlightened, motherfuckers! so i'm fucking COVERED HEAD-TO-TOE in poison ivy. oh my god. it's on my ankles, my shins, my knees, BEHIND my knees (guh the worst place) basically everywhere my body bends. luckily my crotch,stomach and chest were spared, but it's COVERING my arms and my face is so swollen. hahaha. my eyes look like a got punched in the face by a baby. god, this sucks so bad. i hope to get a shot of cortisteroid today if i go to the doctor. it's in the butt though (i said what what? in the butt!) , and i HATE those shots. guh. /kill self

Man, I really have no idea what to write about. I've been thinking, man, that maybe I shouldn't think so much anymore. It takes away character, you know? It takes away the simplicity of life and the ignorance that I can find so much comfort in. Like this whole religion thing. Goddamn! It was easy when I just blindy believed, had something to trust in, security, something to look forward too...But no, I can never be satsified with simplicity. I can never be content with easy facts (or opinions? I don't know :(), so I questioned, and here I am. I smoked weed yesterday, it wasn't any sort of epic experience or anything, but it made me miss it. How pathetic is that? I miss a drug. Even more pathetic than that, I miss not feeling anything at all. Everyone's fucking dying, man. What the fuck! Even people younger than me. That's not supposed to happen. Fuck. FUCK!! And of course, with death brings doubt, right? Whenever I believed in God (those fucking glorious days... what I would do to get them back.) everytime someone close to me or a family member died, I'd be like, "what the fuck, God? Seriously man, knock it off." But even so, whenever someone passed, I always figured they were going to heaven. But now it's like.. Great, dude. We get to stare at another soul-less body and hope to fucking Christ that they really enjoyed life, because there's nothing there, now. I don't know, man. It's like, the only reason I want to believe in God is because I want my loved ones to live on. The memories, they're not fucking enough. No matter how many times somebody says it, memories suck, man. Really. Sure, they can bring happiness for a split second, but knowing that there is no possiblilty to ever make memories again with that person... fuck dude! That's enough to make me physically sick. FUCK memories. And yeah, I do doubt God's existence, every single day. But not to the extent that you think. I always though that, I dunno, I'd have a big role in missionary work or something, hahaha. Maybe I'm just being conceited. Maybe I'm not. I fucking hate the christian lifestyle though. And fuck the Bible. Who are you to tell me how to act? I'm a hardass, I do woteva I want. (shiiiiiit.) No but seriously, the Bible honestly always seemed like a bunch of mumbo jumbo 2,000 year old religion jewish bullshit. I don't know, man. Idon'tfuckingknow. I guess lately I've just been started out my entries rambling like a motherfucker. Eventually it all rolls together, though. If you can understand this, congratulations, haha. 'Cause I'm not really sure what the fuck I'm talking about right now. AND If my mom's boyfriend has caught me doing so much, WHY doesn't he fucking tell on me? Stop frontin', Mike. I'm not retarded. You would sell me out so fucking fast if you caught me doing half the shit you claim you do. And I never jumped off the roof, you fucking idiot. That was a lighter that flew out of my room. Goddamn, you've pissed me off ever since I started dating Steven. I didn't steal the newspaper, I didn't walk through Marty's crops (why the FUCK would I be back there?!!?), and I SURE as FUCK didn't go through your nasty fucking porn stash. God, FUCK YOU MIKE. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!! I liked you so much at first, man, but fuck! I can't even pretend anymore. You may treat my sister like a princess but you fucking demean me and Tara like a motherfucker. So she made some bad choices, big fucking deal. She's got her own job and apartment now and is obviously living well. Stop saying it's not going to last long and stop saying I'm going to end up just like her :(. JUST because I DEFEND my SISTER? If I said HALF the shit you say about Tara about YOUR sister, you would probably deck me. I can't believe a GROWN man can't act better than a fourteen year old girl. Maggie, my other sister, is my best friend. Honestly. I love her so much, she's such an amazing person. So you think, when you talk shit about me to my sister, my BEST FRIEND, she's not going to tell me? You're a fucking dolt. Just an ignorant fucking hick. You can polish my fucking shoes when I'm crushing you in the near future. Piss off, asshole. (didn't mean to make that so long about Mike. sorry. =\) I guess that concludes it. I'm so very much filled with anger lately. I am so sorry.

Okay, you know that whole last entry about religion? Well, fuck all that. The funeral today it was.... something. It was definitely something. And I know evvvveryone's been posting about death lately, but fuck all of you, Quit_Lollygagging said it better than any of us could. But hey, I wanna write about this shit that happened today, and (obviously) it was mainly about death. Although it also included talking about Dane Cook at the dinner, re-enacting so many driving memories, smoking weed and drinking beer with my grandma sitting right next to me. What a wild, wild night. Back to the whole melancholy death thing, though. This funeral was kind of a new experience, the was a preacher there (unlike the last three I've been to), and that wasn't so unordinary.. but what WAS unordinary, was that it was my old preacher. The one who turned me away and ignored all my questions. The one who pushed me away from God, rather than enlighten me that God loved me as his child, too. I looked at him when he first walked in, thinking maybe he just showed up to be polite, but no, it wasn't long after he had overstayed his strange welcome that I realized that he was going to be in charge of this memorial. It's not that he was ever BAD at PREACHING in front of the congregation, (although he was properly boring) he's just one of those people who are afraid to be called out on something they aren't educated enough about. And sorry if I offend anyone on here, but Baptist preachers don't know shit. Really. Truly. Everytime my little fragile ass would bound into his office, mind filled with questions, he would immediately shut me down or send me on my way. I couldn't understand, so one day I just stopped going. Just like that. I still see some of the old ladies from church every now and then at the store, but they just give me that stare, you know? The one that says "We understand but we can't show it." I understand, too. They have a reputation to maintain. My grandma is the same way, although she allows herself to be seen with me in public. In a little town like this, it's basically a crime to not attend church. I could safely say I am the only teenager within a 2 country radius that doesn't go to church. And believe me, people let me know. My once-preacher, Gary, did a outstanding job at the funeral tonight though. Not only did I cry from grief, but I think it was also from a... a higher being beckoning me? Haha, it sounds so surreal saying it (typing it?) but believe me, I know what it's like to cry from grief, and this was.. something different. I can't really explain it. I felt so..vulnerable? I felt like something was tearing away at my wall, my shield I've carried so well these past few years. Maybe it's just that the more people die, the harder it gets to hide your tears. Gary also said something about tears being like an airbag, the cushion you in times when it really matters, but I think that's a fucking boldfaced lie. I've learned to despise my tears and I curse myself everytime I cry now. I think I cry far too often. More than you'd think. The fact that tears are your "cushion" mean nothing to me. Tears now just remind me that people are getting ripped from me everyday it seems and there's nothing I can do about it. Absolutely nothing. I'm nothing special. Nobody is, anymore. And that's what sucks about life. And death. Everyone's dying lately; it's the new fad.

I know I already posted today, but I have but one last thing to say. Overly religious people creep me out. Or, just religious people in general. And it's not because of the whole I'm-not-stable-about-my-religious-beliefs thing. It's because overly religious parents try to shelter their kids from so much, they harness them and try to eradicate the thoughts of any sin whatsoever. Every kid I know that has super religious parents are usually not very stable, or they are literally slowly going crazy. What brings this to mind is that I was at my Penacostal friend's house the other day, and we were all watching T.V. when two girls kissed on the T.V. show. I can't remember what show it was or why they were kissing (lesbians, I'm assuming :P), but my friends dad got SUPREMELY pissed and started going craaaazy. My friend and her sister both ran upstairs, but me and the other two girls that were there had no idea what to do, so we just sat in the living room. He went on an insanely long rant about how unnecessary and disgusting and vile that was, etc. Eventually, he worked himself into such a frenzy that he ended up ripping the T.V. out of the entertainment center and threatened to throw it out the window. (They have a NICE-ASS three story house, and the room with that T.V. in it had a beautiful bay window, so we convinced him not to because it would cost loads of money to fix.) He then proceeded to pray with us. Yes, full-blown kneeling down clasped hands speaking in tongue prayer. It was rather.. odd. And just plain religious parents also creeps meh out. They seem to restrict their kids, too. Just the same as overly religious parents, of course, but it seems to be on a smaller scale. My aunt, (whose daughter happens to be my best friend) is an insane-o religion freak. But she doesn't over-do it. She's one of those "oh, go ahead and do what you want, but I know you'll make the right choice." She guilts you into things, and the worst part is that she does it purposely. To me, I mean. Only because I'm her niece. To my cousin she is like, Hitler McJohnson. She's not allowed to do fuckall. Really. The only person she's really allowed to hang out with is me and this girl she met at Church Camp last year. That doesn't leave a lot of room to grow... and that pisses me off so bad. It's like, I'm out in this fucking world, man, and I go to her house and tell her all these stories and she acts like I was in a different country for a week. She is so fascinated because she can't experience it. I'm the closest thing, I guess. I wish, just for one day, I could take Kari anywhere without Karla (my aunt) restricting her. Without her shadowing her. Without her over-powering her. Or maybe I've just been given too much freedom. Maybe I expect other kids to act just like I do with the home life I've got. I can walk out of the house whenever I want. Of course I have to be back at a reasonable time, and I usually call my mom to let her know where I'm going.. But y'know, it's easy to leave a house that is empty all the time. So now I'm just rambling. Excuse me. Point is: Religion in general just pisses me off, me thinks. I hate being restricted. I hatehatehate being told 'no.' and fuck the summer for making me sweat so much. eww. dear air conditioning, plz fix yourself because nobody can afford it right now. thxx.

Go Rest High on That Mountain by Vince Gill is such an extraordinarily beautiful song. It's one of the songs I picked for my uncle's funeral tomorrow. I will shed many a tear when it comes on unexpectedly during the service. It always happens. Other mediocre songs: Amazing Grace by Lari White (my mom's pick) In My Life by the Beatles Just A Closer Walk With Thee - Randy Travis (my aunt's pick) Knocking on Heaven's Door - Guns N Roses (my grandma's pick) and of course, the expected, The Dance by Garth Brooks. that song is more than just sad words strung together to form sad song to me. It is so much more. Every funeral I've ever been too, including Kelsey's, has played that. I don't want that to play at my funeral, though.. Maybe I'll have Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks, hah! you know, I never realized how much the music matters at a funeral, anyways until I suddenly got put in charge of it. And it made me think... what the fuck would I want to have playing at my funeral? Like, when I think about it, FUCK no I don't want sad songs! Yeah people can cry over me, grieve, etc. But not at my goddamn funeral, man. I want good songs. Songs that make you dance. Songs that make you think. Songs that.. change lives. I want to go out changing lives, man! Who doesn't!? I think that's everyone's goal in life. To change someone else's life... I think it starts first with changing your own. And I think that's what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of change but I abhor routine. It's so utterly confusing that I don't think I could possibly conjure up the correct words to elaborate. I'm a shitty explainer, anyways. I wish I could just show you what's going on inside my head. I swore off smoking. Well, I swore off hard drugs. It's fucking with me, bad. But I know I'll give it and get a little toke now and then, so I guess I just hereby announce that I'll slow down on smoking pot. Because, really, it's not worth the loss of memories. I hope this makes me feel better. Because, if it's not the pot and not the drugs, I think I have a serious problem on my hands. Or rather, in my head. "raging waves of the sea, foaming up their own shame; wandering stars for whom is reserved the blackness of darkness forever"

my uncle jerry died yesterday. it's tough pulling the plug on family members you loved so dearly, and it still doesn't seem like it gets better the more you do it. making C.Ds and getting dressedu p for funerals seems like a routine here lately. my playlists are getting filled to the brim with sad songs because i keep getting put in charge of music. hello, guys, i don't like doing this. you know, uncle jerry was a pretty old guy, pushing 65, but he had a kid that was younger than me. his name is Dusty, and he's a little shit! but he loved his dad. and he is definitely not okay right now. i don't know what to do. i want to comfort him, he's always been a cool kid, and at 13 years old, losing your father isn't something i could deal with. but, of course, at funerals you always expect the "you're handling this better than i ever could" or "i don't know what i would do if that was my dad" that kid, he's gotta be strong. and i've got to be here for him. get up stand up don't give up the fight. rip

i dont how to start this off so im just going to scream. lately i've been pondering about the fucking world, man. it's such a vast universe of knowledge, kicks, thrills and chills. there's so many wrongs and rights and this and thats. there's matches and mismatches and opposites and attraction. oh god, to sum it all up is impossible. there's happiness and sadness and lust and anger and love and rage and angst and everything in between in every human being all rolled up into a ball called our 'hearts' and 'souls'. some of those people fill their hearts so full with hate, there ain't any room for love anymore. some of those people fill their hearts so full with anger, there ain't any room for superior emotions. and some of those people fill their hearts so full with insecurity there ain't any room for anything. it's so overwhelming to be thrust in the middle of it so suddenly. i mean, i know i've been living all of this time, but i haven't really been living, you know? sometimes i think that everyone is playing a big joke on me, the most epic prank in the world, but it's been going on so long, like a joke that's been played out too often, that it could hardly even be humorable anymore. but then again, sometimes i think i'm being selfish for thinking such a self-absorbed thing. i don't fucking know. to be fucking continued, i guess.

i never, ever get to brag about my boyfriend. everybody's too busy giving me advice about what to do if he hurts me, or just too plain busy to stop for three seconds and let me squeal like a little girl with glee about how lucky i am. so, since i'm desperately looking for an outlet to tell someone about this beautiful boy, i run to you, fellow songmeaning Latest Journal readers. First of all, he has the most beautiful, piercing blue eyes i have ever seen. although he's not very good at maintaining eye contact, it's even cuter when he stares me in the eyes, looks past my head and then stares at me again a split second later. he's about 5 inches taller than me, so when we lay next to each other it's the perfect fit. he has the most adorable body i've ever seen. not too muscle-y, but definitely no chub at all. oh my god, his body is glorious. it really is perfect. and his arms are so toned, when they're wrapped around me i feel so incredibly safe. i know this kid would do anything for me. and the best part about him, he is the funniest kid ever. oh god, he makes me laugh and laugh all day. and not those gay girly pity laughs, these are hardcore milk-out-of-nose laughs. he's such a comedian, and it's even in the way that he's not looking for attention.. that's just all he knows how to act. his inexperience with girls is a plus, but also a minus at the same time. it's a plus because i'm able to teach him so many things to please JUST me :P, but sometimes he doesn't realize that i don't want to hear about some girl he fucked many moonz ago, or him having a crush on my super arch enemy, although she doesn't know it :P haha, just kidding, it's not THAT bad, i admit i do have a short temper about him talking about some other girl, though just because i'm super skeptical about guys cheating on me. i don't know, i KNOW i can trust this kid with my life... but sometimes i just think back to when i trusted dave or jarrett or andrew or any of those dooshies who cheated on me. i hope my insecurity doesn't drive him away. i'm so scared it will. althought we've only been seeing each other an extremely inferior amount of time, i am so close to this boy. he knows so much about me and i feel i really can trust him with my darkest secrets. IN CONCLUSION, this kid, with all of his amazing qualities, is someone i can definitely see myself falling in love with. i see him everyday, and i adore him everyday. i am so thankful i found someone so magical. it's three months tomorrow. :) p.s. no one tell him i was keeping track of how long we've been dating :P p.p.s. sorry for the gay entries lately. i've been on a super gay streak lately. i.e. i bought a Neal McCoy C.D. the other day. I just got it in the mail today, and i haven't stopped listening to it. i feel the gay, it's running through my veins. :P p.p.p.s. i bought the C.D. for 75 cents off of http://www.half.ebay.com/ the most amazing site ever. check it out! p.p.p.p.s. lol, peepee. k,bye :)