I think sometimes i just need somebody to remind me that i still have so much more life after high school we get so caught up in the here and now i let my sweet and lows drag me down to tears even though they're so short lived and immpermanant i just kind of forget to keep breathing sometimes when i'm in the car, i get so scared i hate driving one false move, one mistake bam, your done it doesn't make sense, i know i do backflips on balance beams i drink so i can't feel and i'm scared of a fucking car? my grandpa died like that you know as in one little crash they hooked him up to machines for a while, but he died instantly i think i cried, but i don't really remember i was only eight years old my other grandpa i don't remember is dying now it's so hard not to cry every time they make me visit him he forgets my name and tells my dad i'll hate him for it i wouldn't though, i couldn't so my dad laughs when he says that because we have to laugh to keep from hurting bad even though it's not really enough my mom acused me of being detatched tonight i told her i was fine she doesn't understand how much i need to be detatched and alone just so i can get through the day sometimes i worry about how depressed i get i wish i could feel less, or at least not show it i've been neglecting my writing too i've been neglecting everything i want to promise to stop, want to promise to fix it, but that's just a big lie i am inevitable flawed and fucked up no matter how many stars i wish on to change that

I'm exhausted and i feel sick to my stomach I have a math test tomorow i absolutely need to ace if i don't i'm totally fucked my head is freaking spinning from all this homework my god, i hate school it's not even funny how much i wish my parents would just fuck off and let me go to crappy college with max partying and minimum learning it's not like I'm going to use a degree anyway ahhhhh! well rock of love 3 is premiering tonight so i'm going to go catch that soon sorry for the retardness of this entry, it's probably the lack of sleep best-serenity

hey everybody wow it's been forever since i've written on here i actually just got home from florida yesterday back to ct cold and snow and sucky real life realities like homework..ew but anyway, for now i can;t really complain it's almost 2 in the morning and i'm the only one awake i've decided that 4.5 hours of sleep is more than enough nightly i take 20 minute naps to keep from collapsing i find it crazy how i really can drift into some form of unconciousness and dream that quickly last night for new years i went to H's house we all stayed completely sober and sat in the hot tub until our hair froze it was good i guess i don't know, no less than i was expecting i wish i could have had a crazy adventure, but no worries just a year and a half until i'm out of here on my own we looked at colleges when i was in florida University of miami, baby, now that's what i'm talking about basically, it's all about the party scene kids with a lot of potential being their own worst enemies i couldn't find a better fit unfortuantely, it's for very smart people i have to get my grades wayy up, which means effort not sure if it's worth it yet hopefully i figure it all out like i always do So random love life update:chris visited me in florida shocking, non? turns out he was staying at a place like 5 minutes away um freaky twist of fate much? i'm actually really glad he came i think our talk might have actually left an impression for some reason, i just get really honest around him maybe it's because that's the way he is; overly open about everything but i really don't think i left a single thing out that i'd been wanting to say it feels so good when you let it all out like that when you just kind of throw everything you've got into the wind with a take it or leave it attitude there's no secrets left to break you you're just there, without the pent up anger for once, i actually was proud of me for trusting in eveything else Don't get me wrong, it's not like we're the perfect happy couple now he still confuses the hell out of me with his whole girlfriend who i never call business but i'm kind of starting to accept the fact that it's never going to be more than a semblance of a relationship and strangely, i'm kind of okay with that Tomorow seems like it's going to be a good day i have tila tequila's book to read i have a cd from s to upload i have a smile somewhere out there and friends i can trust so yea, i think i'm doing just fine my new years resolution is going to be reminding myself how lucky i am every time i start to get down even on those freezing mornings, where i just can't make myself lift up the covers even when i'm feeling crushed by homework and pretensions and things i just have to force my way through i will stop and say, "you know what, you really have absolutely nothing to bitch about" i read these depressing books about girls in afghanastan who have never seen the outside world without a barqa and it makes me feel like screaming it seems so terribly unfair sometimes, the way the other side of the world can go on existing without us really watching if i could fix it i swear i would in a heartbeat tikkun olam, reapairing the world now wouldn;t that be something

Today was fairly easy to get through I actually set my alarm correctly this morning and finished my math homework (yay me!)and was still able to function like a normal person despite the lack of sleep tonight i'm trying to stay up until 12:30 so i have time for both hw and things that don't actually make me want to kill myself I ended up commenting on random songs on here, which i haven't done for a while it's nice, understanding something for once usually i'm just kind of lost and unopinionated in a crowd Speaking of being lost in a crowd, S came to writing school with me today! ah, it was so exciting! I felt so much more sane with her there, like i didn;t have to try to stand out or fit in we just kind of were, our own little atom, standing side by side for some reason, the transition of automatically having my best friend with me was almost seemless she and i are so similar, it was just kind of expected that we'd end up in the same place We had to see an opera though, which made me fall asleep I should probably feel guilty for not appreciating art or whatever, but i don't i'm not sure if that makes me a bad person or just an apathetic one hmmmm S and I were talking on the bus with E, my holland friend about being scene and doing drugs when we get to college It sounds so fucked up and crazy when i say i want to screw with my body and mind on purpose, but i still think it's so necesary It's just that here, trapped in a rich white town, i feel like i have no experience i don't want to stay boring and normal forever i think i need something bad, or atleast something fucked up, to happen to me so i can actually have an opinion on suffering I wouldn't do it as a lifestyle, more as a social experiment as in i will tell myself, okay this evening you will try extasy and party all night, but tomorow you have a math final to study for and then i will actually get it all done, the way i do now, with doing my homeowrk at midnight and five in the morning because no one even knows the difference anyhow

Today was by far the weirdest day i've had in a long time It started out pretty blah, i woke up at 5 to finish some homework, went through the motions of being in class at artschool, i think i fell asleep with my eyes open for a bit i love zoning out like that, to the foggy murkiness where you're not sure what's fake and what actually happened It makes me feel so much less self-concious, like nobody's watching anyhow I can disappear to the place where i go, and nobody knows if it's night or day But the real strange part of my day was at gymnastics I'll just spill the ending because it keeps blasting through my mind and i can't wait until it comes up chronilogically so. Chris kissed me like meaningfully. What? I guess i kind of have to back up a bit, because otherwise it sounds even more ridiculous than it actually is It's complicated and unexpected, but i think i might actuslly be able to make some sense see, i have this problem at gymnastics where i get terrified of every new skill (and some old ones) that i'm not 100% confident in It's a horrible habbit, and i hate it, because i can see how much i let the fear hold me back it gets the best of me, frustrating until i just let my head win and give up when i was younger and less realistic, i used to cry every time i failed i wouldn;t even bother going to the bathroom, i just beratted and publically humiliated myself into doing the skill By the time i finally convinced my brain to just fucking go for it, nothing could feel like sucess anymore the time lag made it seem just like "oh finally, took you long enough" In short, i forgot how to be proud of myself I think in that year i took off, i learned a lot about the uselessness of pashion For instance, loving the sport and what i could do with it unconditionally didn;t make me any better i literally had no one in my corner but me to determine my achievements and downfalls and sometimes now, when i'm trying to hate myself into breaking the fear, that little voice begging me not to go points out that nothing i do will make a difference anyway to anyone hwo isn;t me and the truth in that is numbingly comforting, because it means i don't have to spend the rest of the night feeling like crap over something that doesn't matter Tonight i was working a new dismount on bars that freaked me out, so i wouldn't go for it When chris came over, i asked him for help shockingly, he wasn't unkind or even pissed off, the way most people get when i let them down i think he actually even understood what i meant when i talked about needing someone else who isn't me to care It took me so many tries, but he stayed coaching me instead of just giving up and walking away like everyone else and then when i finally did it, he actually made me feel good, like it was still something special even though it took so frustratingly long coming i don't think he could have possibly understood how much that meant to me, or how that little moment is one i'll keep in mind for the first time in forever,i remembered why i was putting my body through all the pain and let down that is gymnastics I love the sport, but more importantly i love the way i have to work so hard to get there Doing the skill should be important, no matter how many failed attempts have to come first i think i just really needed this one, because if it weren;t for chris i'm sure i would have given up and walked away i still don't really know why he kissed me, but it was nice in a familiar kind of way i'm not stupid, i don;t think this means we're back together or anything like that But it was the perfect way to show he does actually care i'm going to bed now, but i'm really glad that i got to have today thank you for the faith -serenity

So i think i'm going to play a cliche teenage girl for a while and talk about my new crush lol His name is Dan and he's very cute and now i'm done being boring and back to be being insane Anywho, this week has been very strange turns out that after some deep investigating matt wanted for us to be "friendly" i basically told him to fuck off, only a lot less nicely I don't know, i was just so angry, i couldn;t really think straight I just felt the need to call him out on everything he'd ever done to me, let him know how much he's fucked up my life I think what bothered me the most was that while he didn't deny a single allegation, he also didn't appologize he just sort of stayed all stoic and stagnant,while i blasted him with my angry word gun looking back on it, i feel kind of embarassed for getting so worked up even though they were all things that needed to be said, i could have presented it better so that i might have been taken seriously not that i really care all that much, but now Matt clearly thinks I'm a crazy bitch and that he was right in calling me a horrible person oh well you win some, you lose some i found out today that you can train your body to function on only 4.5 hours of sleep a night perfect, i so need that i bombed a math test today because i was watching a double shot of love and didn;t study that's probably problematic, so from now on i think i'll actually do atleast most of my hw go me! oh that reminds me, i'm angry at chris i found out from a random mutual friend that he's been smoking again as in daily habbit style lovely stuff, non? i tried to yell at him, but he just kind of laughed and told me i suck at gymnastics so what else is new? i feel like if i try to talk more about dan, everything will just come out corny maybe some other time when i'm less tired and more inspired -serenity

matt's IMing me i wish he'd stop i'd being doing such a good job of pretending he was dead and the guy i saw in school was just someone completely unrelated i don't understand what he's getting out of this it's kind of making me hate him more like how dare he just think he can waltz back into my life with a stupid hey hows it going? I don't get it all these people think they can treat me like shit and then expect favors grrrr i never do that if i'm talking smack, i don't then go up to the person and ask about their day no, i completely ignore them ugh i wish i could just be done responding, but strangely i feel guilty i'm giving one word answers and he's coming up with questions like yea great idea matt, since you're trying so hard we can totally be friends not that it's wayyy too fucking late or anything no, we're totally cool you didn't like fuck me over and tell me i was a horibble person repeatedly or anything you didn't use me for sex or hate on my friends noooooo never ever ever ugh this is ridiculous i owe him nothing sometimes i think the whole world would be better off if i just stopped talking to stupid people and went to bed