They never tell you how hard it is to write about the things that affect you the most I always do this I start these projects that i think I can handle and then I cut to close to the core and have to throw it all away I thought it would be easier if i wrote in second person but it isn't The word you is just a veil it's only so i can feel less alone from creating someone else to share an experience I started writing an essay about gymnastics and chris but i'm not sure if I'm physically capable of finishing it Technically, I'm doing ti for an art school assignment, so i kind of don't have a choice I think if i do it in little pieces, if i can walk away whenever it starts to get to me I can make myself spit it all out Here's what I have so far, tell me what you think -serenity You stand on the edge of the balance beam; arms raised high above your head. You tell yourself, “I can do this” but your muscles know that you are lying. You sigh, drop your arms, and jump down to the floor. You are not brave enough, not strong enough, to fly up in the air. On the way to the water fountain, you start to realize how little your failure bothers you. Strangely, you feel kind of apathetic. You remember the days, when you were younger and more hopeful, that you would cry in the bathroom whenever the Fear got you. You stood in the stall for however long it took to convince yourself that you knew what you were doing. Then you would go back in the gym, do the damn backflip, and force yourself through the process a million times over until all the Fear was gone. It did not matter that the coaches only said “well finally” or “took you long enough” when they watched your skill. You still felt that rush, that beautiful lightness, of overwhelming success. Now, though, even the thought of crying seems ridiculous. You are 17, just one more year until you go off to college. Even though you have worked so hard your whole life, gymnastics for you is coming to an end. Now that you have acknowledged this, there is a little voice inside your head that says “So what? It doesn’t matter” every time you back down. As you walk by the bars, you stop to watch the boy you have let hurt you repeatedly doing his routine on the rings. You smile when he is lifted by his team mate, his body dangling ridiculously miles over the floor. When he starts moving though, any illusion of his smallness disappears. You marvel at his power, the way gravity seems to break at his will. You study the well toned muscle, the tanned skin shimmering with heat and sweat. You feel the jealousy creep inside you, for his ease and talent, but also for the fact that he will never fully be yours. The boy finishes his routine and shakes his head at you condescendingly when he catches you watching. He only does the head shaking because he knows it unsettles you, so it has become sort of an inside joke over the course of the year you have really known him. You have never told him that it reminds you of your ex-boyfriend, who shook his head the exact same way whenever he called you “a horrible person”. The boy walks across the blue carpet towards you, purposely bumping into your shoulder. You say something stupid like “hey!” or “what was that for?” because the response is so visceral. He stops and turns around, looks slightly up into your eyes, and laughs not unkindly at the strange expression on your face. “Chill out, I’m just kidding around. Stop being such a baby and get back on the beam,” The insults should not sting anymore, as you are called either a baby or lazy or a little girl on almost a daily basis, but coming from him they still do. You want so badly to sit him down and explain to him why for you it is different. Unlike this boy, you do not possess the natural talent that makes gymnastics like breathing. For you, every twist is a struggle, every flip a huge sacrifice. You are so tired of giving so much and getting so little back. You are not lazy, just logical. You are letting the Fear win and giving up on the sport before it gives up on you.

Pretty good night I'm glad I got out it's finally starting to get nice in CT I actually got to hang out with chris It's been a while since the last time we hooked up I guess he got bored with his life or his hand or whatever But he randomly decided he wants me again and honestly, even though I know it's way not fair to myself That i deserve much better than a guy who's always playing hot and cold I have no real reason to say no It's not like i have anyone else to fool around with Not like I don't want him just as bad as before I have realized that "chemistry" is just a matter of hormones If you get lonely enough, anyone can become the best thing that ever happened We went back to his house alone after the "Parents who care too much about their children's gymnastics careers and don't invite anyone else to their exclusive events" (except for me when I'm with chris) club cookout He wanted to have sex (of course) but i wouldn't let him I told him it was becacuse i didn't want him to stop talking to me again, since that's what always happens after Just like with matt, i know the dance instead of being accused and appologizing profusely, I just put out and then let him walk away different routine but i worked out these steps I think i've got it all under control from here The thing about chris, though, is i'm atleast completely myself around him I don;t play those bullshit "now this is what you're supposed to do..." games I tell him straight up that i really like him and i'm well aware it's not reciprocated I tell him when I start to think crazy things and i get scared my rationale doesn't make sense He doesn't judge me, which is something i really respect I give alot of credit to people who can just sit back and listen He kind of asked me to my own prom which is weird I already told colin i'd go with him but i really would love to bring chris My parents are totally against the whole idea, even though I'm not quite sure why I think it's because they wish i'd pick guys who treat me better Too bad I'm not doing a whole lot of picking these days I kind of just take what i can get Oh well, atleast I've got it for now Let's see how long i can hold on this ride

wow it's been such a long time since i've written I feel like i should appologize, but i don't really know who to To all the nonexistent adoring fans who constantly read my journal? To my friends for not publishing our exciting adventures? To me, for skipping out on something that's important because it actually takes effort? Eh it doesn't really matter I guess Even as i write these words, I can;t get myself to feel all that sorry Anywho, this week is art school vacation so i only have three hour school days translation: hours and hours of fillable time Today I went over to starbucks after school with my friend Robin I drove her illegally, which was exciting I'm so weird sometimes I have no idea why breaking laws that don;t even deserve to be laws in the first place gets me so hyped up It's probably just the idea of getting away with something even if it is pretty dumb My parents would still have a cow if they knew I almost got the car taken away because i forgot to text to say i hadn't died on my way to school Like really? Isn't no news the same thing as good news? I had to cry and beg for like half an hour to get it back i think it was more that my dad didn't really want to drive me than him actually giving in whatever, works for me i got to go on my little adventure he got to stay home plastering a wall I wrote TEXT on my hand really big in permanent marker so i won't forget anymore I think someday I'm going to get that tattoed permanantly just so I can have a good laugh Really, i'm not even kidding That would be so great to have a garenteed smile atleast once a day I've realized that I'm fairly unhappy with the way i look it's not that i'm fat or ugly or anything awful it's just that the way I dress, the way i wear my hair I really kind of look the same as everybody else I have already accepted that i will never be beautiful my noise is too big, my legs are too short It's just not anything that can be fixed I believe I am pretty, but that's nothing special Alot of girls are pretty that's why i fit in so perfectly well I used to think this was a good thing because it is a safe thing There is a strength in those kind of numbers No one will reject you, turn you away, if you become the vast majority But I think now, at this point in my life, i'm ready to be made fun of Sitting in the room, swallowing the words, it just gets so terribly boring I don't want to become another cliche i like bright colors and hair dye, sarcasm and poetry I don't want to wear the abercrombie button downs, i don't want to play nice For the first time in my life I actually know who the real me is and even though I know I'll be broken down, I think those are ramifications worth taking

Yay I'm going to florida with S tomorow! I just finished packing everything I'm sleeping over her house tonight and then leaving really early in the morning we already decided there's no point in sleeping I have three adderalls in my bag and 2 energy shots I think that should keep us stable for a while I can't wait to be in florida again i love the place so much it's like 89 degrees there right now i need that kind of sunshine feeding my smile college still seems so far off, but it's becoming real a year and a quarter is not that long time flies by if you just let it go i think i will, i think i will "all of your roads, paved in gold, by guardian angels"-Blessid Union may you always have enough peace and love

Omg dude such a weird fucking night i hung out with linds for the first time in forever it was kind of strange we both pretended we were fine, just like old times and then everything felt okay I don't know, maybe we've been friends too long to be awkward under all that insanity, i still love her i probably should have realized that sooner We went to a pg rated party at this kid blake's house with everyone it was fun, i guess no lamer than i was expecting Robin was there which made me really happy We went outside witha few other people and smoked cigs For my first time, i actually didn't cough that much I really like the way it makes you feel it's just like this rush of being hardcore, this light headed stand point I didn't care what they all said when we came back in i felt completely okay with any odds stacked against me you keep your statistics and diseases i still don't believe in lasting consequences All in all, I'm glad i went i still have this bitch and a half history project to write, but i'll get it done with the drugs it's so funny how in one week i can have such a turn around right now, i just feel so ready to experience i still have the same apathy, but i also have hope i'm officially entering the next phase of my life, the one that goes on after high school drugs become escape sex becomes love music becomes faith these are all the feelings i need to survive and i'm perfectly fine with the cheapest versions available i can't wait to look the part with brave piercings and tattoos i want rainbow colors in my hair, makeup covering my eyelids Stick skinny legs and bracelet covered arms sleepless thoughts and hunger pangs to me, being that fucked up and broken now that is truly beautiful

Last night was such a letdown S and I went to the boys gymnastics meet, even though they didn't want me there, because we were supposed to get drunk after and that made the three hours of boys in leos worth it it didn't happen Tyler was dumb and backed out on us I hate stupid people how hard is it to fucking plan? chris was going out to his own party he doesn't have time for me and S he actually told me I was still young, so it was totally for the best that we had nowhere to go but home excuse me? when chris was seventeen he was going into crack houses talk about unfair I hate how he's protective of me only when it's convenient Like if you;re gonna care then care, but don't half ass it Don;t refuse to let me smoke but let me act dumb when i'm drunk Don't help me with my giants and then just never call it's making me lose trust in everyone whydoicarewhydoicare? We snorted two ambien pills in my room we're such amatuers its ridiculous i want to go pro with this shit I want to know the name of every single pill it was the soundest sleep i've ever had i really hope that's what dying is like no dreams no hurt just nothing But anyway, S went home and i spent today trying to force myself do history and just getting out of bed i don't know why i'm so depressed i really have nothing to complain about

Right now I'm starting to feel the pills sink into my bloodstream a rush to the head, a mind altering swirl adderall safe at last, at last I have math to do and a history skit to write i have so much time to fix things if i can keep my eyes open i feel too invincible to let it slip away in the shower with water i felt so afraid here on dry land i'm almost back to okay no one cares if i am happy and i don't know what happy is I'm not sure if i should bother sleeping is it okay to be a zombie? will anybody stop me? Nothing matters, I am small I can leave my bubble anytime i want suicide is not really quitting this right here, this leaving for a while? now that is really quitting because i still get to keep the secret of leaving warm flesh behind It is completely ridiculous how many great writers have killed themselves Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolfe, Anne Sexton they weren't meant for this world, too gifted in a way when you master the words, everything can sound pretty poetry of a grave, a cut, the rocks in a pocket when you have the talent, you begin to understand nothing is ever as plain as it seems

I really think that the human condition is the most depressing thing in the entire fucking world right now i feel so strongly so awake, aware, so feeling it's all there on the surface, that drive and desire i can see the meaning, for a second believe that my life is worth more than a million hours gazing at a tv screen but even so, deep down i do realize that come tomorow, come even an hour i won't feel like this anymore no matter how many times i repeat inside my head that these thoughts are who i am, that it's so good to be unnumbed i'll still wake up feeling empty i wish i could somehow hang onto these moments take that sad scene i clung to and replay it again i do understand how small and uninfluential i am but that's what scares me more than anything i am too little to hold onto the hurt to anchor it on the shore so i can see it, graze it make it my everything so instead, i adapt and fold i become part of the mass and machine i go to school, i interact stupid small talk, careless laughter but the irony is, i don't hate all of it there are times, where when i lose myself i forget i'm even in pain that i don't fit this mold that it's only a game i truly feel happy just simple human happy and it's so crazy because i can reach this other end of the spectrum too when i write, or when i do these drugs when i'm alone i feel so extroidinary like lightening and glass where i think to myself: from now on things will never be the same and even though i am so wrong every time in all of those moments i really try to mean that i realize because of this hypocrisy is inevitable i am caught up in the middle of a road and an extreme sometimes it's so much easier to be emotionless to just sit in front of whatever they put before you and just fucking take it, live in the moment go to sleep instead of escaping but at night, this part of me that fights comes out where i want to write, where i want to dream different when the motivation comes out of hiding i know this is the me i am proud of but she always disappears in the morning light i can't hold onto her, she's too elusive that slippery balm of human condition is raining down her shoulders

yesterday i had to interview my grandfather about his life so i could write my history project Willingly, he gave me all that he remembered his older sister had died as a toddler and could not be burried in a nice jewish cemetery because his parents had broken custom with an autopsy so that they could save someone else's child His voice shook as he relayed the story and for a moment i was confused because he had never met the girl so i could not see the root of his suffering but then i understood it must have been all around him the discrimination, the fresh loss growing up in such a way i can't begin to fathom as some strange sort of replacement child His brother went to war and came home with skin disease a wound in the flesh, a fake bullet hole for a clever ticket My grandpa did not have to fight because he broke his back falling off a box of marshmellows he laughed when he said this and it made me so happy that he could still remember in his wavering mind such a tiny humorous detail He cried when he talked about his mother immediately i felt my throat begin to close as i watched his heart break in mourning for a women i once met but couldn't remember He did not let me spare the pain of skipping over my grandma he did not talk about her, not really, but i knew she was there it still amazes me that it is even possible to build your life around someone, have them there for over fifty solid years he loved her so much, and in a strange way it makes me feel more okay that she died kind of young because at least she had gotten something out of life most people are scared to even dream about I loved listening to him talk, all the little annecdotes i never knew about who he was those many many years before i was even alive it hurt so much to write this down, but i want to remember i am terrified of my grandpa dying, so scared of the empty hole in my life he will make beside my grandmother I wish i had been able to sit down with her like this too, make her tell me all the ups and downs of a story It makes me sad that i love her so much still, yet I have only little scraps to remember her by Everynight i will pray for my grandpa, pray for enough more years so that he can meet my own children, see my sister and me all grown up if i could have anything in the world,that really is all i would take see now, this girl, this crying mess with the bleeding heart you see through this screen? I'm really proud of her tonight

the world looks different when you're fighting agaisnt sleep i can just turn myself off, shut down from any human interaction i turn on my ipod loud loud loud to create that little bubble of safety I climb through the drama, push aside cadavers i have no shame at all when i delve into remembering There are the people i have hurt and regret Lindsey. Matt it's such a lost cause, because it's not what it seems there comes a point where there's nothing to say and all that's left to grow around is what everyone else thinks it is it will never be enough but i am a master at pretending