oh fuck

griffen's in town

i hung out with him last night and nothing happened

go me!

except...he wasn't so pleased

so today we're going to "the movies"

and by movies, i of course mean back to his friend's house

ugh i don't even think i want to go

i was like begging my mom to say no telepathically when i asked

but unfortunately she didn't get the message

so i guess i'm going

i have a feeling he's going to try to get me to fuck him

but i really don't want to

he's a tool

so i won't

this is me, here now, saying no i will not have sex with griffen

ughhhhh

why is this so difficult

i just have to set some limits....

um okay, well i'll tell him right off the bat i don't want more than a hook up

i won't let him down my pants so he can't expect anything in return

there, those are the rules

take it or leave it

oh god, why am i shaking?

this better all go according to plan

haha my mom just tried to give me a sex talk

like "honey you know i worry about you"

don't let boys take advantage

don't get a reputation

don't do things for comic relief

oh what a laugh

wayyyyyy too late for the lectures

clearly, i am already a lost cause

it pisses me off when people try to understand me

i should just not be allowed to talk

i always forget how controversial everything i say is

people just flip when i defy society

"what?! Why would you want to do that?!"

nvm, just kidding

totally fucking kidding

my mother actually blamed my ideas on the music i listen to

like really?

If you honestly think just hearing lollipop makes me think "oh yea, i should totally go suck a dick it sounds like fun" then how the hell am i ever suposed to make my own descsions?

Girls like that are retarded

I am actually rather intelligent

as in, i know i'm making mistakes, i just keep making them anyway

not because i can't say no, not because i'm weak

really, it's because i just don't care

at this point, my body is a joke

there's no "sacred vessel" here

there's just hormones and a nice ass

and eventually, i won't have either of these things

so while i've got them, i'm going to get as many good fucking stories as humanly possible

that way, even if my life turns out to be a huge disappointment

atleast i know i had fun

call me a whore, call me a slut, but bitch, i fucking own it

i enjoy scaring guys away by being easy

i don't want a relationship with someone who wants a quick fuck anyway

see, i only put out if i'm asked

i never make the first move

you use me, i use you

easy simple balance

and really, that's all there is to everything

omg i am so happy right now

like cloud nine, on top of the world, i love my life kind of happy

wanna know why?

it's because i have the best friends in the entire world!

They got robot love story, which is this really good techno-pop band to write me a song for my b-day! Yaayyyyyyyyyyy! <3

it is easily like the best song ever annnnndddddd to make it even awesomer if that's even possible robot love story might even put in on their album

ahhhh! How freaking cool is that?

i just can't get over how amazing my friends are for thinking of it!

I'm going to put the lyrics on here as soon as i get a chance lol

soooo yea this is easily the best birthday ever

i also got a rhapsody player which=unlimited music which=no more sleep for me, as i'll now be on here every second of my life!

Ah I'm so excited

i think i really needed today

it's making me so thankful for everything i usually just look over

I'm going to work really hard to stop beratting myself so often

I've come so far from last year and i deserve to be proud of me

i almost want to delete my entry from last night, but that feels like lying

who i am, the way i feel, it changes so fast i can't even keep up with it

that's why i write it all down in here

whenever i think i might be losing myself, i have something to look back to

like here, in this moment, i am genuinely happy

And no one can take this feeling away :)

god bless,

serenity

It's so crazy that i've been writing in this for over a year

I just looked back and re-read my last pre-birthday entry

and believe it or not, nothing has changed

i'm still making the same fucking mistakes

i still care so much about their cruel words and twisted stares

last time, i wished i could change

this time, i feel almost guilty wishing

because i know i'll only get let down once again

they alwasy tell you the first step is believing in yourself, but i really don't know how

i'm trying, but it isn't enough

my brain refuses to be convinced

my body refuses to push beyond the limits of normalacy

i feel so tired, so freaking aching tired

my bones can;t breathe, i think they;re bleeding

i get so scared sometimes out of nowhere and i don't really know why

i get angry too, really angry, so that i just want to disappear

I am a silent staue, but there's more to it

They can all see right through me

I see right through me

but what does that even mean?

what does any of this mean?

Thoreu the great american author spent 2 years in the woods to write down his thoughts

i spend 15 minutes in front of a computer screen, so distant, so impersonal and expect to make the same impact?

it doesn;t make sanse

even i'm not crazy enough to stop pretending to be sane

the way lindsey does

oh god, i started feeling sorry for her today

i need to cut that out

I fight back with bitter words if someone i care about hurts me

i don't bother if the person doesn;t matter

"there's nothing to fight for, it's already dead"

my thoughts are so scattered tonight

oh my god, i'm almost seventeen

i don't want to be that old

why can;t i grow the fuck up?

i have absolutely nothing to show for all my years besides this lousy journal

this right here is the only thing in my life i am truly proud of at the moment

how pathetic is that?

I wish i could just flick a switch and shut parts of me off

The parts that talk too much, the part that secretly thrives off getting guys attention

And just be left with the me who stays up until 1:30 in the morning just to be alone

I want all my insecurities gone

about my face, my body, my thoughts, my everything

tonight on the cake they bought me at gymnastics i blew out all the candles in one breath

i think that means my wish comes true

i should have wished for world peace

i need to stop being so selfish

Why do i come off so angry?

I didn;t mean for this to sound so furious

why is hatred chasing every line around?

I don;t hate myself, not completely

just pieces

just layers and skins and fragments

nothing unrepairable

so you ask:will tomorow be different?

i don;t know

i hope so

but hope is made up of petals and tissue paper

it isn;t lasting, the way knowing or understanding is

but atleast it's something worth trying for

sometimes, i just need to remind myself why i should care

sorry for the nonsense

I hate these nothing days where i just sit at home and feel like crap

I neeed to get out, need to interact with the bright lights and pretty colors of the outside world

Staying in, inside my head, gives me headaches and advil tastes like failure

I want to be invincible and perfect

I can't have little pains and blemishes holding me down

Saturday was so confusing

I got really angry at chrs and i did nothing about it

I asked him to spot me and he just said he was busy

even when i said please

even though it would only have taken a second

I wanted to slap him when he sat down to do nothing

I mean, come on

Am i really that unimportant?

Did i really mean that little?

I guess so, because i gave it up too fast and don't regret it

 I think sex always brings out people's true colors

And now i can see that Chris treats me and propbably most girls like shit unless he wants something

becuse either way I'll give it to him

Ugh, it was just one freaking spot

To him, it would have meant nothing at all

But for me, it would have made my entire day if i had been able to make it

He knows this

I told him how jealous i am, how i wish i could be half as good

And every chance he gets, he uses this little truth against me

"how come you're not doing anything? Get to work!" every single time i sit to take a break

Shut the fuck up

i am working, god damnit

he has no idea how hard it is for me to even be here, when no one cares if i even have goals

i get so frustrated sometimes i feel like crying

my body and my brain never see to be in sync

my head is always telling me i can't do the things i know i'm capable of

i hate it, and chris only makes it worse because it's just another thing i can't fight back against

i can tell him in my head "well atleast I'm going to college" or "atleast i'm taller" all i want

It doesn't make a difference, because nothing stings as bad as when someone i let get close tells me the one thing that's keeping me sane is absolutely worthless

I wish i was the kind of person who could voice this, but i'm not

I just keep it all bottled up inside and hug him goodbye like always

I don't hate him because i'm more let down than angry

It hurts to think that even basic kindness is too much to expect

But the facts speak for themselves and that's just the way it is

You gotta swim

even when the current is dragging you down, pulling your head under so deep

you're almost sure you've forgotten how to breathe

You just need to keep pushing

At the end of everything. there is a resolution

life is series of conflicts and peaces

The nights seem endless, but nothing lasts forever

we all have something to swim for, even if it sounds stupid

Tear down the doors and find your reasons

Believe in something that won't let you down so long as you don't give in

Work your hardest, try your best, and accept disappointment with grace

Letting go isn't the same thing as quitting

Just keep your head above the tidal waves, and you'll reach the shore

always, everytime

it's getting cold outside

i can feel it, creeping into my blood cells

poluting, destroying me inside out

I wish i was in florida

this wind is making my eyes tear

and everyone always asks me why i'm crying

oh the irony will be the end of me

do i really look that unstable?

I'm still not talking to linds

It's kind of amazing how i can just dispose of years of friendship on a whim

I'm not sentimental; i beleive in renewal

the past is past and the present is now

of all the people i consider to be my dearest friends, i'll still talk to three of them in 5 years if I'm lucky

we let go because it makes more sense than holding on

friends are genrally chosen based on geographic relation and need

long distance friendships are futile and all around unecesary

people are disposable and replaceable with very few exceptions

i'm sure i am not one, and i can be okay with that

it just means i intend to treat others exactly the way i'm being treated

I get tired during the day, but at night I'm feeling strangely fine

i like having all this extra time to myself, where i don't have to talk to anyone and pretend to be little miss america

I can write what i think or read or listen

and no one's awake to stop me

I'm happy i got back into reading

i forgot how much it inspires me, gives me something to think about during the day

Maybe when i get around to writing those thoughts down, i can swear it was all worth it

I think that suicide, both the action and the word, has a certain poetry about it

It slides right off the tongue, a delicious slide in the last sylable

If you say it softly, it sounds sweet, almost innocent

It only becomes foreboding when you add the conotation

I think about things like this because otherwise they'd scare me

I need to know and explore, need to understand, so i can develop an opnion

Without opinions, without our own stances and thoughts and values, we are nothing

I want to stand alone in a crowd, be able to stand up and swear I'm not afraid of death

And Mean that as much as possible

If I were to kill myself, I would probably just find the highest buliding and jump

I think I'd like that, for my last few seconds to be in perfect free-fall; just enough time to reflect on all that I've accomplished but not enough to regret all I've left behind

statistically, girls use pills and cutting because you have the greatest probability of surviving

Boys use guns and nooses because there's no way of backing down

I find it puzzling that people would go through all the trouble if death wasn't even the ultimate goal

I can;t even imagine being that fucked up, where revenge and spite meant more than my life

Because even though I think about it sometimes, i know I would never actually do it

I don't think I could even bring myself to make the tiniest cut, to stash the pills under my bed for that little just in case

It's such an extreme and even though it sounds cliche

It's just so not me

I might stay up until one to learn self deprivation

I might walk away from chances that could be the best thing that ever happened

But I could never ever ever forgive myself for just giving in

ah jew conventions! that was so much fun! I'm happy i went :) I met a cute guy. His name is john and we got fake married. We were adorable. But now, sadly, it's over and back to real life. So i guess I'm done writing like a giddy 7th grader. Bummer lol

Anyway,today at school was amazing

I've gotten to the point where not sleeping actually gives me energy

Everything is remarkable, even quantum physics equations

Alll that we are taught has order, makes sense

Yet strangely, while my classmates look around lost

I, queen of the whimsical thought, am always the first to catch on

weird

I think one of my friends is mad at me over stupid girl drama

I hate getting caught in the middle of dumb fights over boys

grr, speaking of dumb boys, matt did the weirdest thing ever in the hall today

He was just walking behind me and M, and when I turned around and noticed him, he made this strange vaguely sexual thrusting gesture

quoi?

I gave him a wtf face and walked away

ew

Oh, I randomly told my creepy gymnastics coach about Chris today

As in the hot and cold asset that is our fake relationship

not the sex part, because chris already told him about that which is strange and awkward

but the point is, I just sort of exploded

looking back to a few hours ago, i realize how dumb it probably was to say anything at all, but i just couldn;t help myself

i was dying to get it all out, tell anyone who wasn;t sam or my school friends and wasn;t already sick of it

but yeah, i don;t know

i really hate my brain sometimes

p.s. since this entry kind of sucks, i'll include this cool fiction essay i wrote for english about an awakening that i actually ejoyed writing because i'm just that cool :)

Everyday I end up disappointing myself

I had good intentions, i swear

But i always let me down

i can't seem to change, though i want to so badly

i hate being a bitch

i don't want to be one of those catty girls who ruin lives

I don't want to be anything at all

I need to get out of here, take a trip far away to neverland

I love my friends to death, but right now they're dragging me down

I don't know how to be anything other than a reflection on the glass

I always forget who the real me is when I'm standing in front of the mirror

Boys confuse me

Today Aaron punched me in the hall

not like hard or anything, just a little hey what's up how are ya?

but it still made me angry

like what right does he have to fucking touch me?

I should have turned around and punched him in the nuts, but instead i just kept walking

How is this being the bigger person if doing nothing makes me feel so small?

Chris is acting like a dick again

why am i not suprised?

I think i'm attracted to guys who treat me like shit

It's like a i need someone to abuse me, try to bring me down

otherwise, i'll never know what i'm doing wrong

Sam thinks i should stop talking to him, but i can't

we're friends

i care about him

as in, i would probably cry if he gets kicked out of his house and sells drugs

it sounds so crazy, but he's really fucked up enough for that to be a possibility

really

no wonder i worry all the time

I'm still trying to decide if it's him i like or just the idea of having a boyfriend again

i don't know

i wish matt didn't trun out to be such a dick

i wish i knew what i was doing

ah, why do i keep saying that?

I thought i'd already figured out wishing doesn;t count for shit