I can hardly keep my eyes open

i think i'm going to have to go to bed early tonight

i just wrote a kickass essay about Matt

writing makes me feel drained

especially writing like that

you guys can read it, if you want

i don't feel like posting anything else

here, enjoy

i'll try again tomorrow

I learned how to run my sophomore year due very little to drive of my own. It had not been my idea exactly; I was not one of those over achiever kids who thought of gym class as an extension of an actual sport. While everyone else ran 6 minute miles and kicked people in the shins over soccer balls, I was perfectly content participating just enough to pass. Gym, in my opinion, was not worth getting sweaty over. As for sports outside of gym, I believed in much the same policy. Like most kids, I had obviously been put on soccer and basketball teams at some point in my life, but both were merely one year terms to serve out and then quit for good. This philosophy was probably partially due to the fact that I completely sucked at both, but also because I just couldn’t see the point. What’s so cool about chasing after a ball? “It’s a good energy outlet. It’s fun”, my parents always responded. It wasn’t. I hated getting bruised up from being pushed around and being yelled at by my teammates. I think I ultimately stuck to gymnastics because it’s one of those rare sports where you are responsible only for yourself. That, and the fact that doing back flips is way more exciting of an ability than kicking a ball around.

                Anyway, the fact that I completely failed at all sports involving anything other than flexibility and muscle didn’t really bother me. All in all, athletics didn’t seem like that important of a life skill to have. However, my boyfriend at the time completely disagreed. As an XC runner and all around solid athlete, he found it absolutely pathetic that I couldn’t even throw a football to save my life. “I didn’t even realize it was possible for someone who can flip on a four inch beam to suck so much,” he told me. “Gee, thanks for the support”. Obviously, it wasn’t exactly the best relationship in the world, but I figured at the time it was better than nothing. Matt was the kind of person who would bitch about every little fault of mine until I figured out a way to right them. Clearly, this was vicious cycle of so called “self improvement”, but the point is that I would usually get sick enough of his snide comments to prove him wrong after a while. My suckishness at sports was no exception. After only a few days of his merciless teasing, I found myself waking up at 7:00 on Saturdays to go for a run. I chose running mostly because of the fact that no matter how unathletic you are, anyone can force their bodies to be able to push for a few miles with enough practice. However, I had not realized how much practice “enough” was. Even after running a mile every day after school and two on weekends for a month, I could still barely finish my four laps on the track without passing out. My time was down to about 7 minutes, which was obviously improvement, but I knew it wasn’t nearly good enough to impress Matt into shutting up. Also, I still hated it with a burning fiery passion. I can’t stand people who tell you they feel great after running, because they are clearly lying. For me, running was a form of self inflicted torture, resulting always in horrible stomach cramps and my body literally begging me to stop. It is all well and good to say running is such a great accomplishment when you’re bragging to your stupid boyfriend, but it feels like hell when you are actually doing it. For the life of me, I could not figure out why anyone would pick this as a choice calorie burner, let alone enjoy it. Even if I was burning 100000 calories a mile, it was still so not worth it. The only reason I stuck it out as long as I did was because my pride was valued even higher than any of the multiple sacrifices I was making. It was like a contest I needed to win, stubbornness vs common sense. Even though I was well aware of how stupid it was, I felt like I really had to prove that I could be just as driven as anyone else.

                When Matt broke up with me the day after I had run my first two miles straight, I decided to keep at it. At first I didn’t really know why, since there was no one else in my life who cared if I could run worth a damn, but eventually I realized it was because running was something I needed to finish. Over the months, it had become so routine that I couldn’t just not do it anymore. And as time went on and I got to the point of almost being good, I figured out I didn’t hate it quite so much.

                About two weeks after the end of our year long roller coaster train wreck of a borderline abusive relationship, Matt called to tell me what an idiot he was and how much he wanted me back. Like any sane person, I said no. When he wouldn’t stop bothering me about at least talking things out, I finally agreed to go running with him.

                I told my mom I had a test to finish and stayed after school, meeting Matt in the lobby after changing into my gym clothes. “Hey,” he said awkwardly, the first words we had exchanged in weeks. “Hi. Ready?” I asked. We stretched in awkward silence and then took off; starting in on what was apparently a three and a half mile course. It was the most I had ever done, but strangely, I was feeling pretty confident in my running ability. I let Matt keep pace; following directly behind him for the first solid 2 and a half miles or so. He kept looking back to make sure I was still there, an expression of absolute shock every time. Eventually, I got a cramp and had to slow down and walk for a bit, angry at myself for not making it the whole way. I signaled to Matt to keep running without me, but he slowed down to my pace and walked beside me. “Wow, you’ve really improved,” he said softly. “No shit,” I replied, hot angry tears pooling in my eyes. Cautiously, he put his arm around me and I let him, mostly because I was just too exhausted to care. “I’m so proud of you,” he told me. He kissed me quickly on the lips before I had time to register what was happening, and then he was off like a shot with me hot on his heels all the way back to the school.

                We did end up talking for a little bit, but mostly just to establish that this was the last time we probably ever would. We didn’t talk about him kissing me, or any of the other stuff we really needed to. Somehow, the timing didn’t seem right. We made no contact for the rest of the school year other than the polite hello in the hall. I got busy with gymnastics and started running less and less often, until by summer I had given it up completely. After I had reached that 3 and a half mile mark, it just didn’t seem worth perusing any further. Even though now it wasn’t physically painful enough for me to despise it, I still didn’t enjoy it. I had started running for all the wrong reasons and now I had come far enough to give it up without quitting. I was willing to put aside the piece of me that could be an almost good distance runner into a little box of everything I associated with Matt. Running in itself had never been for me; only the pride in actually succeeding at it. Once I realized that, I was done. I had nothing left to prove.

yay half day today

i went home and took a long nap

i love sleeping

it's so cool the way time seems to extend and stretch in all those semiconscious moments

you just lose touch of anything outside the doorway

the numbers on the clock just are

for me, it's all about disappearing deeper inside the body that shields me

because when you're gone you can't be anyone at all

I am such a bitch sometimes

i gossip, i break people down

i say things i don't mean and didn't really think about saying

they're just stupid high school slogans to fill up the silence

i really don't mean anything by it

i wish i could stop, but it's never that easy

i wish i was prettier

i wish chris actually cared about me

but wishing doesn't change a thing

in quantum physics, they believe in alternate universes

as in, every possible outcome of every situation happening to you at any given point could be happening a different way in another dimension

if you were an electron, that is

i find it fascinating when i actually learn things in school

i have a math test tomorow i should be studying for

i think i have chem homework, but i can't find it

oh well. it's what i ultimately come away with that matters

I think i need more hobbies than coming on here and homework

i hate when life gets so boring i have nothing to obsess over

when i get older, i'm going to fuck myself up on purpose, just to see what it feels like

this normalacy is getting to me

i need drugs and sex and pretty colors

not homework and t.v. and sleep deprivation

i want to be a reality star or a scenester

I imagine i can just do those things for a few years and then move on

no consequences, no lasting effects

i don't believe in stupid descisions, just influences ones

i am exaclty who you tell me to be

but just wait a few years until everyone who cares is gone

and then i'll really shine

We're floating and floating, without ever landing

Do the clouds have to come in eventually?

Or can we just stay up here forever?

I love S with all my heart

she is my best friend, my savior, my other half

we are so similar, and that makes me feel so much less alone

because no matter how insane i get, i know she can out do me

i have this theory that high school is fake life and nothing like the real world

because once we graduate, we can slam the doors, say fuck you bitches and never look back

in the real world, every descision you make is one you have to live with

there are choices and then there are consequences

but, as always, no regrets

i just do what i do because i promised to stay conscoius

i won't sleep tonight, I've just got to keep moving

I was in such an angry bitch mood today

i just get like that sometimes, when i can't hold it in anymore

it comes out so normal, like I'm just a stereotypical high school gossip girl

but really, i only share these feelings and hurt when they're practically burning me

it's not just for funsies or kicks, i promise

it's just because cruel words is the only way i know how to fight back

the veterans came to our school today

i wish i was a good person

i'm not

i suck

i will never do anything selfless and sacrificial for the strangers who make up our country

no matter how many times they say thankyou

I worked hard at gymnastics today

i still suck

i hate chris

he makes everything look so fucking easy

and he confuses the fuck out of me

i don't know if he even likes me or is just using me like everybody else

i'm not all that likeable

i say alot of stupid things that come out wrong

i  can feel myself getting annoying

why do i like him so much?

why am i so scared of being lonely, i give myself a relationship i know wouldn't work as an ultimatum

if I pretend to be a decent human being, maybe someone will come to me

i hate chasing after people

i never run fast enough

oh fuck, my eyes are closing

i still have another hour of this

how ever will i stay awake?

ew

Linds just textedme

like hey let's call a truce

wtf

i so should not have to deal with this right now

i hate these stupid bitches

i hate their drama, their little talks

like jk i'm sorry let's start over

well i don't want to talk it out

too little too late hon

you can't fix months worths of issues, of treating me like shit with just a talk

i don't want to be a bitch, but i don't know how else to respond

she's just not worth the time it would take to sort out a fake appology

that's just not who i am

i'd rather be nothing

i don't hate you, i promise

i just think you are absolutely worthless

call me when you get some help bitch

just keep fucking slitting your wrists

swallow your pills and your hallway tears

because no one cares about your fucking problems

i don't want anything because friendlyness is so fake

we can say hi all we want but it won't change a thing

it will just put me right in your league

and honey i'm so much better than that

i can be a bitch but atleast i'm fucking loyal

that's why i stopped being friends with girls like you who only care about themselves

you fucked me over one time to many

and i'm just so done with this shit

I'm so tired right now, but i can't go to sleep just yet

I need to stay up so I can think right tomorrow

so when i close my eyes on car rides i can actually dream

i wonder if heaven looks like headlights

you know the bright kind that break throguh your eyelids?

I bet dying is just being enveloped in that blindness

my grandpa broke his hip

no one cares, no one cares

i may never see him sane again

i might hate him a little inside if he can't remember my name

in a sick way, i'd almost rather let go now if all the hope has already run dry

maybe if i expect it, i'll be less let down

I think I'm losing my ability to hate people

today rebecca#2 had to sit next to me in science

i didn't even flinch

At this point, all I feel is disconnect

I can't hate her, because it's so unfair

I am intelligent and attractive

I have friends who actually like me

I have had a guy tell me they loved me and mean it

She has none of those things

In a strange way, i almost started to pity her

this girl who ruined my life, who called me a bitch and a whore right to my face

i actually felt sorry for her

I think sometimes i neeed moments of clarity like that

for me to remember just how far i've come and how lucky i am

I saw chris today

it reminded me how much i care

i really wish i didn't

i hate being hurt

especially like this, when i set myself up

even though i can see it coming

i don't know what else to think about

did i already mention i'm tired?

maybe i'll write better when my eyes are open

Don't be so hard on yourself

your choices are all half chance

and so are everybody elses

it all comes down to timing

inspiration and expiration

breathe in breathe out

keep the flow coming

sometimes i forget when my eyes hang so heavy

gymnastics is hard

i wish i was in control of my body

i wish i could hurt it, twist it into spirals of submission

but i can't because the only strentgh i ever have is in pretending I'm okay

not the kind with lacy lies and broken blades

I'll never be that girl

my grandpa broke his hip today

i tried to cry but i couldn't

i think my tear ducts are all wrong

i've lost my sense ofa ll that's real

my life has become one long waking dream

and i don't even know if i'm dead or alive

sometimes i wonder if this is all a set up

like a test, just to see if i'm worth more

maybe this whole world is just a big conspiracy

and the real human race doesn't fight or conform or betray

i hate being hurt

i hate when people i care about fuck themselves over on purpose

just because you don't care doesn't mean no one else does

i'v got to start remembering that next time i feel this useless

if i could have anything right now, i think i'd just wish for peace

with myself, with the world, with everything else

there's nothing to fight for, it's already dead

i am only a little speck of dust

nothing here matters, so i'll just remain silent

go ahead, shut me down

i can break buildings just with my eyes

your opinions don't scare me

there's far worse things than being influenced

i think i'm done here

that's enough fake philosiphy for a night