Today i spent the whole day on drugs and it was the best i've felt in such a long time i woke up feeling determined i swallowed down half an adderall and exercised for an hour the sweat dripping down my arms, the calories burning away so that when i looked i could still see my rib cage in the mirror my body is muscle, all solid and strong i do not like it, but it is fine for now this is just high school, just fake life it is not worth the sacrifices i have to make to be supper stick skinny when no one but me will even notice I worked on homework for hour after hour maybe three, maybe 10 i stopped looking at the clock after the first minute because there simply was no need I went over to Robin's and snorted half a vikodin i sung last straw inside my head and pretended i was fine the dollar, the credit card, the cd case so authentic, but so amusing we are only in high school with high hopes of college we use our drugs to study for SATs but all the same, i still felt a little like i was living on the edge I am not tired right now, even though it's midnight I feel energized and made of fabric blowing freely in the computer gleam I have an essay to write tomorow, but it's okay i can just wake up at five i'm really not afraid even though everyone says i'll get in over my head, i think drugs are a safety i'll admit, adderall is a chicken shit way out everyone feels unmotivated and tired it takes someone stronger than me to push through the foam walls instead ofjust swallowing a magical pill but right now, at this point in my life,I don't care I like feeling okay and this is the easiest way to do it I'm sure someday i'll get it on my own but for now i'll take all the help i can get it's a crazy kind of happy but i'm too burnt out for anything better

I just finished rewriting the lyrics to one headlight by the wallflowers I love the way writing lyrics makes me feel i am so awake now, so full of energy and motivation Maybe i'll even do my history homework maybe i'll even leave my adderall be Today was rather usual i got a cavity filled i worked really hard at being brave and not flinching I do not like the way novacaine mouth tastes I do not like needles jabbing into my gum But i also do not like being yelled at, so i went along with it anyway Today my friend natalie told me dan has a crush on H or vice versa or some other circulating rumor of that nature all through math i had to keep reminding myself to stay calm if H snags him (which she is pretty apt to do, honestly) I will not blow up and get mad I will simply swallow it all down and pretend it tastes sweet I can walk around with a pretty face on, even if I'm black and blue Already I am mentally preparing myself for the worst If she asks me if it's okay, though, i will be politely honest I will explain that by getting with him, she is essentially condoning what he did to me and as my best friend, i want her on my side agreeing that it is never ever okay to tell a girl you really like her and then all of a sudden decide to stop trying even if said girl is unloveable Maybe I can even pretend it is H getting hurt i care about, even though that horrible bitch part of me is indifferent after all, my most lucid moment during our little 3some with chris is forcing H on top of him, thinking how it fucking served her right to lose her virginity being a whore but even spelling it out sober, i still don't feel the guilt she deserved it so we're even end of story but if she does take dan, even if i don't get mad i think then i will know for sure we have drifted too far to ever get back the friendship

The last drop and I taste it Oh hush, yes I've heard your bit Just Drive away with your friends now I'll be fine, I'll get home somehow And here is not the place For you to tell me That I am something more If that's the case Why can't I see it? I'm not who you're looking for Babe, i'm tired Don't interfere with my stupid antics Darling I'm drunk it's not romantic Don't tell me stop, it's so pedantic You're honing in on my biggest flaws now I won't change, my ship will sink down You're honing in on my biggest flaws now Don't tell me stop, it's all I know how The last drop and I taste it I'm peacing out just for a bit It's like a dream and I'm feeling fine Why the hell is your hand on mine? The last drop of a good night You won't let go, I forget to fight You lead me out to your car now See, I told you i'd get home somehow And here is not the place For you to tell me That I am something more If that's the case Why can't I see it? I'm not who you're looking for Babe, i'm tired Don't interfere with my stupid antics Darling I'm drunk it's not romantic Don't tell me stop, it's so pedantic You're honing in on my biggest flaws now I won't change, my ship will sink down You're honing in on my biggest flaws now Don't tell me stop, it's all I know how I got lost tonight I'll admit, I should quit But this habbit seems like all I have To make it through when times are bad It's crazy that you care I'd let you in but i'm too scared Expectations set too high Disappoint me every time Babe, i'm tired Don't interfere with my stupid antics Darling I'm drunk it's not romantic Don't tell me stop, it's so pedantic You're honing in on my biggest flaws now I won't change, my ship will sink down You're honing in on my biggest flaws now Don't tell me stop, it's all I know how

I'm in one of those strange moods where i'm not quite sure what i need to be doing On the most basic level, my brain is telling me to sleep it is almost midnight so i should be tired i think i want to be awake just to see what will happen if i let myself breathe free from all the contact I know i'm supposed to be scared of the dark, but strangely enough i can't remember why Something about monsters i guess that hide in my head and keep me till dawn people are like planets, you need a thick skin i am stealing quotes left and right tonight i wish i was harper from angels in america i wish i had valium and talking dreams but all i have is a history test i didn't study for and prayers being wasted on a snowday I can't wait until i get out of this town i can't wait until i am finally free I think I'm going to florida with S in april I'm so excited, so jittery scared I feel like something monumental is going to happen with the two of us in that state together it will be strange not to have to miss her because she will be right there with me, to remind me i'm not crazy i love her so much i love how she is so insane with the same fucked up faith it is the only relationship in my life that i will ever trust anyone else is not worth the risk I hope she knows that i really hope she knows "at night I've got no where to hide"- Andrew McMahon

my heart feels so dry like plain paper napkins so i walk out the door, distance me from your feeling and i pretend i am safe and unharmed even though that little peiece of me that dared to hope i could be fine has certainly burned bright away I should know not to trust i should know not to feel but i can't because i keep getting hurt and i need a future to believe in I took out my notebook and swallowed down lyrics because it would keep me from screaming my own I wrote I AM UNLOVEABLE in all caps on the page just so the next time i find a place to fit I'll remember it really is too good to be true

All this time is breaking me down I need more sleep, but i need more feeling sometimes when i sleep, i don't even dream and that scares me can people just become shallow? I wish i had a warning I'm so afraid of ending up alone For a second today i believed I was unloveable it doens't matter that i'm smart, doesn't matter that I'm pretty it never seems to be enough i made myself listen to stay or leave and think about matt There are so many things i've done that I want to take back i wish i could have said the right thing or known the best feeling when i get angry, i mean really really angry, its all i can get through i don't know how to get out of the corners of this room i'm boxed in so tight and i can't find the windowsill Dan is being distant i don't care, but i do I can't figure out how to stop this caring, it consumes me it's like a fire, burning inside no no no, that's not deep, it's just nonsense I string words together and pretend they make sense just to see if your following along i would still care if matt died in fact, i know i would cry at the very front of his funeral and feel as though i had that right even though everything between us is now only ashes I keep seeing him in the hall and it unsettles me he graduates next year i wonder if i'll honestly miss him love is sucha futile word i don't know why we even try to map a concept that is ineffable i hate when girls i barely know say "love ya" at the end of phone calls it makes my stomach churn around and i just can't make myself say meaningless words back i always start to wish i had more frinds and then i remember that i hate people i should probably work on that oh well, one more bullet to add to the list of all my imperfections

yes my computer is mostly fixed which means i get rhapsody again which means unlimited music which means happiness :) yay! Anywho, today was pretty basic i was really tired this morning so i let myself go back to sleep as it turns out, i didn't need either of the homeworks i didn't do score one for the procrastinator i did however, need my plagarized history questions that class is such i joke i've realized if i just put a notebook in front of me and glance at the board every now and then while writing poetry it appears i am paying attention i actually got congratulated for my focus today gee thanks overzealous history teacher that meant so much grr it's only monday 4 more days until the weekend i think i'm hanging out with robin and e sat hopefully, J can give me her vikodin by then which reminds me; i need more adderall from chris sats are in like two weeks i haven't even cracked open my study guide oh well, i'll be fine i'm naturally smart like that Dan is supposed to be coming home from cancun tomorow i can't wait to see him on wed so i can figure out what the deal is i texted him today and he didn't respond he probably just didn't get it i strongly dislike unecesary suspense atleast i'm at the point where just knowing will be a relief, either way um i can;t really think of anything else my life hasn't been very exciting i guess shocking

yay yay yay i won my meet! it was only against me, but still it was the best of i've ever had so that definitely counts chris was there so he saw the whole thing he congratulated me like ten times it made me so happy to see that someone else noticed just hpw hard i've been trying i think i might like him again the whore 4 wants to party it up so i guess that's not really a problem i'm going to take j's advice and not put all my eggs in one basket that way i can brush myself off and be just fine if anyone tries to leave me stranded i haven't talked to dan much this vacation all of a sudden he just kind of stopped texting at first i was scarred but then i stopped worrying if he moves on, no big deal i'll hold my head high and keep on walking i refuse to beg for what i deserve for some strange reason my head really hurts everytime i sneezee, it just kind of throbs i think i need an advil or an adderall or a vikodin J got her wisdom teeth out so she has plenty yay, go drugs and sex and bands and stripper poles why am i still in high school? ah time flies wayyy too slowly i need to be out of this house i still have homework to do i hate my history teacher actually, i hate all my teachers except english i guess he's pretty cool but yea i should probably get on that and stop wasting time writing about nothing while everyone else is going to bed night serenity

one night, one chance it's all about the making mistakes, they don't last it will all disappear when the morning shines bright we're all clinging, holding onto someone i don't love him, don't like him, but its just fine i'll convince me i'm worth it for a cheap night one night stand those other connections? they never matter everything in this wiorld is so superficial i'm not pleased with anything, so lets fuck it up don't you dare wake me up because this isn't a dream this is my life,insane as it feels and it's my own choice to shred it to pieces i'll sucker punch walls because i'm always swinging i fight because it makes me feel powerful and power is a remedy for loniless i want to meet someone who can convince me that each day is more than a hurddle i have to suffer over i came to do so much, but i left feeling defeated these black eyes and tear drops are so not my style but i can't figure out how to close off my eye-lids

they rearranged the computer desks while we were gone it's such a tiny thing, it really shouldn'tmatter there should be no attatchment, no nostalgia but still i find myself wedged in a corner, longing for the feel of my old keyboard i missed coming on here while i was on vacation i always forget how much i need writing how when i have to hold all my thoughts inside my fingers start to shake and the fever starts to break from all the chaos and confusion it's okay i'm good now though i'll keep it alltogether i swear i'm running on a reality tv high my pulse seems nearly stable it was strange, but while i was in florida, i found i really missed my friends it felt alright though because it showed how much i cared which is good, of course it means i really let myself hang on to somebody i can't really imagine us all parting for college and never talking again we're too..scarred similar we couldn't just let go i love J so much and H and S and E all of them, all of me i can't imagine it any otherway i've been thinking on forgiveness lately i'm kind of over anger i realized i don't hate lindsey anymore i'm not sure what do about that i wish i could make up with only the part of her that chats about boys and eats raw cookiedough or holds my hand during scary movies but i don't think i'm ready to go back to the friendship we had before with the endless tears and empty threats because that girl still scares me it bothers me that we were years so close and now we don't speak life'sstrange like that i guess we're all just moving in different directions i am still proud of myself for trying to be the bigger person i listened to this raw copy of into the airwaves today and all thoselyrics, the echoing voice it snaked right down my spine i felt moved, shaken, connected i want to meet andrew macmahon so bad i just have so much to say and for some reason i believe he would actually here it