I always need a good song to get through the day when i have lyrics that means something, that have somehow shaped or affected me, running through my brain it reminds me that not everything i'm doing is just a huge mistake sometimes i berate myself to much, focus in on every flaw and when i start to do that, i lose the mentality to keep on pushing i just kind of let myself get caught in going downhill, never making any progress but reall, that's nto something i can live with i need to stop pretending i can actually be perfect maybe someday, with years and years of practice i'll get there, but right now it's too much to expect everytime i get home and just can't force myself to do homework, i have to know it's okay to just relax and forget sometimes i've got all kinds of time to make everything right i talk too much about other people and myself i do it as a defense, so no one will see how much a i regret doing all those stupid things but with comparison, it makes my evils seem lesser and by just blurting out the truth, no one else can use it to hurt me later if i lay out all the cards, atleast i'm going down swinging i over-eat because it's soemthing to do i deprive myself of sleep becuase i want to be different i can't blend compeltely because i want too much for myself and i write all these poems and journal entries because it's what makes me me I've seen people go insane, and i don't eant that to happen the disconnect isn't all it's cracked up to be you can blame anyone else as much as you want, but int eh end you can't escape your own faults i want friends who i can actually trust i want o feel loved and apprectiated, even if i can't fully love myself i want to grow up and be completely content and i never want to feel like i've run out of time

I've been writing a lot of lyrics lately i don't mean to really, it's not that concoius i just put the pen down and that's what comes out i like lyrics better than poetry because they seem real and full, even when they hurt it's strange what a change the music can make there's no patheos; singing never makes me sad it only makes me remember why i write instead of taking notes and how one day it will all be worth it in the end i couldn't even imagine making a living as a song writer it would just be way too cool, almost like cheating i feel like i'd be uncomfortable being that happy it just wouldn't sit right today was pretty simple i watched alot of tv it's amazing how fascinating reality shows can be i think i'm only watching so i can figure out what to do if our whole generation turns out like the "real" world i had a jew meeting today i talked to this kid named danny who was like my first kiss lol potential hook up? haha i'll put him on the list oh i finally got my math book back yay stupid aaron took him freaking long enough i'm actually incredibly pissed at that child he had the nerve to tell linds of all people that i raped him umm eww? you can't rape the willing, babe that's what you get for skipping bases ah school tomorrow i guess i should probably sleep... -serentiy

I am not the type of girl to sit contently in the corner while watching all her friends find cliched lust with only a goodluck and a pretty smile I need people it's horrible, i hate it, but i do i suck at being alone being fucked over, treated like crap, oh yea no problem but not having anyone to come home to i just can't do my mom keeps telling me not to settle, but i know i will i'm going to marry the first guy who asks me, just in case he's also the only one because the thing with me, though, is that i don't actually believe in love i think you can get along with anybody, make things work as long as you figure out what they're after I texted chris today, which was stupid because now he knows i want him back and, honestly, i only want him because in comparison to what other guys have done to me lately he's practiaclly a savior My friend J is trying to set me up with this attractive guy who sort of stalks her fine, i'll take him i'm not looking for anythign real just something to tide me over for the next year or so something to take my mind off of me J is so lucky she has the sweet hot popular jock for a bf she always has these cute little stories about nice things he does for her like wake up early to pick her up or hang out with her family all these little awwww moments that make me just want to give her a big hug because, i love her so i'm not jealous and i know she deserves it just as much as i do It's so sad, but when i reflect on it, I've only had one exceptionally nice thing done for me in my entire life and shockingly enough, it wasn't matt, the guy i thought i loved and dated for a year but just Chris, my summer nothing fling who drove all the way to the beach just to hang out with me I think that's why i texted him tonight because even though i could easily be angry at him he's still the best i've ever had and he still hasn't texted me back So now i'm just waithing for ethan i guess random hottie from J because any hope of a semblance of love is so much better than nothing at all

I'd give anything to feel sane because mostly, it seems like I'm drowning There's so many mometns where i'll just look out at the crowd and realize how disconnected i am because i genuinely don't want to be like anyone else There's all the little pieces inside me trying to break free I can tell they want me to be something special, but it's hard because in order to truly become a new person, I'd have to let go of the old and although I'd welcome a transforamtion, it's the actual act of transforming that scares me you know that feeling when you're trying to make a descison and you get so caught up in thinking everything else seems unreal? well, that's how every move i make tries to shake me iI know half of the judgements aren't true And I know that truth is rare, because lies come easier And there's absolutely no way I or anyone else can change that, so trying to convince people I'm special will only get me down When i skip out writing to hang out in the cafeteria or gossip instead of just listening to my ipod, it's not because I want to get closer I'm only there because I get tired of being alone and i can't get myself to go away Maybe in time, I'll forget every mean comment, every unecesary glare, but for now it's just something I have to deal with I'm not going to argue because then i'll just lose the reasons I was angry in the first place I'll just turn away, hold my head, and keep on walking And I'm glad i strayed so far from who i started from

I worry about me from time to time i obsess about the future, try to pinpoint moments in ten years will i be different? in 5? in one? It's the not knowing that scares me most of all if i could say confidently, "when you get out of high school, your life will no longer suck" I think that even now, when I'm stuck in the timeframe I'd still be sort of okay There's alot of people in my life who rather dislike me and very few people who i've actually given that right i'd say it's not fair, but that's kind of a moot point most things aren't fair, and i really don't expect them to be but i can't help to get just a bit dissappointed when the masses and moonfalls let me down time and again the weather's cahnging, but i can't seem to follow I'm still stuck in summer responsibility is overratted i never get anywhere near what i give it's the strangest sensation but i find myself actually questioning my motives everytime i sit down to write a research paper about something that's unimportant like what is it that keeps me here inside, instead of just being like "screw it, I'm going to bed" its like i realize i'm doing the wrong thing, but i still keep at it anyway i just can't help myself because even though i have these marks on my hands to prove I'm strong against the whole world i feel absolutely powerless

Today is a dave matthews band themed day I don't know why, it just kind of is when we were in the car this morning, waiting for the bus, crash came on the radio it bothered me that they put (into me) like that at the end of the title though because the song is simply crash but anyway, as i was singing along, happily ignoring my mom, it occured to me that dave is actually quite the talented lyricist it's weird, but sometimes i just go through these phases where a badn or song i've known for a while will suddenly just randomly make an appearence in my life and inspire me so on the bus, i ended up listening to some dave instead of putting it on shuffle like usual i find it kind of odd that my favorite song is actually on this secret album called the lillywhite sessions and not one of the more popular overplayed ones becuase usually i have to acclimate to song before i can really love it with 'grace is gone', though, i just instantly felt that connection it makes me want to memorize it and rewrite the lyrics, like i always do with songs that hit me i think i shall but anyway, sunshine gave me some lyrics he wrote today and asked me to edit them awwww! i guess he actually thinks i'm talented yay! unfortunately his lyrics kind of suck i know that sounds mean, but i don't know how else to say it it's like cliche after cliche without even rhyming and half of it is contradictory so i'm not quite sure what the song is even about hopefully i'll get some time to sit down with him and help him fix it because, really, for me it would be no trouble lyrics just come easy that's why i keep them so close

Matt: I'm angry at you because it's so unfair that you can just walk away and i have to fucking sit wondering why i thought you were worth it I took so much abuse i dealt with so much shit because i thought we were in love you told me once you imagined us married sometimes and from that point on i honestly believed it could happen that's why i worked so hard, i think i didn't want to admit i was wrong do you remember when you told me all your secrets? and i cried and held your hand because it was such a big deal for you to come clean but me, i threw my life at you like it was no big deal mostly because i wanted to pretned it wasn't i know you loved me because of that even though you're fucked up and think you know it all don't you dare try to pretend you don't think about me anymore i know you have your pride, but still how can you not be on fire? you know damn well i was the best you'll ever have and still you won't even appologize it's insane on my part to expect it because it wouldn't change anything we wouldn't get back together and we've already proved we don't know how to be friends but i think it would make me feel just a little bit better if you could say to my face that you realize that you fucked up big time and that i deserve someone who you just can't be right now so really, all i'd like from you is just a confirmation of what i already know Chris:I'm angry at you for being ordinary. i know this isn't fair I do realize i shouldn't have expected anything more but the thing is, i didn't going into it, all i saw was a summer fling and sex i didn't want to love you, i didn't want you to love me and i guess i still don't but what i do want is for you to like me to acknowledge that there were those times we'd cuddle on a couch where you'd tell me to call or text i liked getting kissed on the check after practice it was...genuine we were good friends we had decent chemistry why did it have to stop? Basically, why ddin't we take it further? there was no falling out, no official deal breaker its not like either of us has a new gf/bf and it's just so sterotypical guy to let go for the hell of it but chris, i really think you're better than that you drove an hour to see me once and we didn't even have sex so i guess i just wish i knew why we can't pretend it's still summer. and we have to just be awkward friends Aaron: I'm pissed at you because you're only pretending you like me because I'm easy We both know that's not true Linds is wayyyy easier first of all and yet you still chose me so what i don't get is why you only want to hang out when you have a girlfriend or why you would get a new one after the first one you cheated on with me disappeared because that makes absolutely zero sense and don't you dare get all self righteous with me don't tell me how bad you feel, because you did it before and i'm not stupid enough to beleive that this time is any different it's so not my fault we ended up kissing you left your arm there after we hugged way too long to pretend you're little miss innocent that's what i think i hate about you the most you pretend to be a a nice guy aaron, you're not a fucking nice guy atleast admit it i'd respect you a thousand times more but i know you'll never say it outloud you're way too proud to stoop to my level i know that you want me for more than my body i know that you're not really angry but i am and have every right to be because it's so not fair to think all i want is sex when you're the one with his hand up my skirt i think if we were to start over, we'd get along well you could be an actually decent person if you put your mind to it and i think i could help you out so what i want from you is to press pause on the hormones, break up with the college girl, and actually be my friend because i'm way mor ethan just a whore and you totally know it

sometimes i just can't do it anymore i need a break, to turn off my mind just to sit here at my computer, let the songs fill me full and just write like i'm breathing I'm so confused about what i want from boys right now i keep thinking about aaron which makes me think about chris which makes me think about matt which makes me want to scream it's so strange, because no matter how much people hurt me i still want them to love me i'm terrible at being a bitch i still hug chris when i go to the gym i say hi to matt in the hall if we make eye contact and obviously i let aaron take advantage whenever he pleases but i think all this niceness is secretly driving me crazy because i'm so freaking angry at every single one of them and i just don't know how to phrase it i want closure, but i don't believe in happy endings i believe in screaming matches and lost friendships and it just doesn't seem worth it the really insane part though is that in 20 years, none of these guys are going to ever matter there will always be new boys for someone like me i move on fast because it stings less if you just get it over with, find someone else to replace the last one you don't think about them nearly as much but now, when i have no one all the thoughts and memories become almost haunting you don't realize you even have regrets until there's noone left to care it always comes too late for anything it just sits in the bottom of your stomach and burns hurt always comes out as petty when you try to explain it but anger, that's what gives you strength and sometimes i need that to remind myself just what i'm worth that i don't deserve to be treated like crap that i was completely justified in almost every little piece of fighting back because it make me who i am

omg that did not just happen i did not just hook up with aaron no i hate aaron i'm angry at aaron that so was not my tongue down his throat he wanted a math book a fucking math book but he could have taken it and left he didn't have to sit down and chat he didn't have to put his hand on my knee he didn't have to kiss me back but he totally did it's not all my fault why do guys with gfs always want me? why can't single but nice attractive guys want me? ughhhhh this should only be allowed to happen in movies in real life, this is so not fair

I miss belonging to someone it gets lonely being stuck in the house all day with no one to call or even check on in there's nothing to worry about boys add drama being single, hooking up with no one? it's so over rated unless of course you're the type to go after what you want i suppose but not me i just get what comes my way i never go looking for trouble I went shopping with my mom and sister today my sister makes me sick she spent $100 on a coat i don't think i've ever spent that much in a store total it makes me worry about our future generations will my kids be that expecting? because the worst part is that buying the jacket wasn't even that special it was just normal and in a town like mine, it's alomost worst than that its not just normal, it's necesary to fit in, to make friends we've got to show them that we can roll with the best becuase if we're going down, atleast we look good.