today has been one of the best days i've had in the longest time in my smile, there's alittle tilt if you look closely, maybe you can see it Because for once i'm telling the truth about actually being happy my confidence is spilling over when i look in mirrors i actually feel content right now,i feel lucky it's in my hair in my eyelids in my finger nails that luck, that good day vibe it's everywhere, all over me encompassing, safe, like a blanket it's warm, so warm and i believe in it too that's important i think all that believing has gotten me so far I brought home two medals from my meet yesterday they're nice and shiny, with pretty ribbons i hung them up in my bedroom so i can wake up and see i am a vault and floor champion I have a boy who really likes me it happened so fast, but it feels real i can see myself fucking him, but i can see beyond that too there's a connection i can;t quite grasp something in between physical and my mind i want him in a free sort of way, because i don't expect to get let down i feel safe having expectations i can take disappointment, i'm good with abuse there's is nothing to fear but fear itself in case you couldn't tell i am flying on aderall I love this awakeness, the feeling i care about everything i do i go back and fix my mistakes it's exceleent, it';s intoxicating everyone should try some tomorow i might hang out with my friend robin who has crazy colored hair and vikodin pills i'm excited i want blue and purple streaks i don't even want to be plain or recognizable ever again i want to be as jumbled up and colorful as i feel right now because it's the closest to happy i can remember

ah i need to party it's been too long since i've had a buzz in my system, music blasting through my ears i'm listening to 3OH!3, which is probably why i'm thinking like this i love scene music, all these songs that make the unaccepatable okay so i don't feel crazy, just special in that fucked up kind of sense today was actually pretty quality i feel so much more in control of my life all of a sudden i think it has something to do with confidence i've become so much less afraid of being let down i've gotten so much better at accepting today at gymnastics i actually let myself suceed i did my full and no one got hurt somehow i was able to chase away the fear far enough to focus on the desire chris was really nice to me too, which was weird it's crazy but i feel like i can listen to him longer now that i don't really want him i think it's because i took his advice and stopped worrying about him his stories make me laugh instead of cringe i'm not really resentful of the way he doesn't care anymore that's just who he is but yea, he kissed me goodbye on the cheek and wished me good luck for my meet tomorow strangely, it made me really want to do well i;m not that nervous anymore i guess i think i can do it if i reallu try

so far today has been a pretty good day i went to school and then came home i woke up early to finish my history homework i hung out with dan in open which made me happy i think he really likes me this is good news i felt very distracted in class today i had white houses and the first poemi ever wrote in here stuck in my head i was just rereading some of my older entries a minute ago i feel like a different person being 16 seems like forever ago i really need to get my life in order being on a scedule makes me resentful, but otherwise i get nothing done i know i should be writing more, but i just have no initative why bother when it's so much easier to watch tv? I'm sick of being the only one caring i think i might quit gymnastics i've lost any love i once had for the sport its hurting me more than helping me now everytime i go, i wish the hours would spin faster the fray has a new cd that came out yesterday i haven't really listened to it but it seems pretty good the song you found me is really amazing i know what its like to wonder how anyone watching over could let us get so hurt i think i'm going to go shower now i feel kind of gross in my skin

wow long time no journal i guess this is going to be a long entry because i have quite the update: I kind of have a boyfriend now i say this not for the omfg no way no way effect, just more as a clarification i need to remind me, to document the epicness, of having a nice decent guy actually want to be with me so basically, it's kind of awesome we're not actually technically exclusive yet, but it feels like it he walks me to class and kisses me goodbye we text like every waking second possible yea...he's pretty much a shoo-in for the cliche high school relationship i'm looking for lol today dan (yes that's right my crush from before) walked right past matt when we were holding hands it was weird, but i kind of felt nothing i mean, i expected to have this great vengence moment like ha! take that! but no matt just felt like any other random nameless person i'm not sure if that means i'm completely over everything that happened or if i've honestly managed to convince my brain that my matt and hallway matt are unrelated i know i think about him less and less, but from time to time i feel like it's good to remember the weird thing is now that i'm with dan, i really do believe it was my past experiences with matt and chris that allowed me to believe i deserve to be loved people keep telling me how they could never do what i did with dan and just straight up tell someone they liked them too much fear of rejection, i guess but for me, i learned the hard way that you never get what you want if you don't go after it it sounds corny, but it's so fucking true guys don't pick up on hints you have to just sit down with them and be like, listen: this is how i feel so this is what i want from you it's not fair to expect anyone to be a mind reader maybe he could have said no, but i had a good feeling trusting your instincts is key the human mind is fucking powerful if you know how to use it but the thing is, if i hadn'tmessed up so bad with chris and matt, iprobably wouldn't have figured that out and i think that's part of the reason i have so much hope for the way things could work out with dan this time, i feel ready i'm so much less vulnerable because i know what i deserve i'm so sick of letting people judge me and telling me i'm not good enough because really, as long as i can truly say deep down inside that for the most part i am okay with me, then i don't see the problem if i break it down, people are just as annonymous as any other species i have accepted that my life is unimportant it sounds kind of depressing, but there's this huge upside that no one ever really looks it because the good part of being that uninfluential is that no matter how bad you fuck up, your mistakes are completely impermanent i kind of had an opiffany this morning if i look at my life individual, i can see all these building blocks that piece it together for instance, my life can basically be broken down into school, home, friends, gymnastics, etc and then even within all these assets come subdivisions for school, i have grades, reputation, attitude for gymnastics, i have effort, relationships, determination the lists can just go on and on getting more specific forver but seriously: if your life, your entire existence is unimportant? then all those facets, everything that makes you you? they're like fucking paper clips to the rest fo the world i guess what i'm trying to say is that you have to live life completely for yourself in the end, making everyone else happy just makes you miserable it's taken me a while, but i think i've really been able to embrace that i can now watch tv without feeling guilty i can make an executive descision that i care more about music than grades once you have priorities in order, the rest is easy it's just getting there, the breaking away well, that part is some hard ass shit best of luck, serenity

I should probably be cramming stupid chem material into my brain, but i just can't do it not that i can't do it ever, just not right now i can keep it waiting until when i get home and open my box so i don't have to feel the resentment dripping off me melting down my skin i want adderall forever i feel so safe and sane and focused but dependency scares me even more than just being so i guess i have to hope the urge will pass Chris is being a dick again whatever, i dont care it doesn't really matter not to him, atleast so why should it to me? I think i might get with dan he's cute, even though he's not really my type not that i have a type well, other than guys who treat me like shit lol not that that's funny really, i just have to laugh to keep from hurting bad but anyway, he's nice and i need someone to care about who isn't chris or matt sigh midterms should end now i dislike them strongly even if they are a good excuse to do drugs i get to watch rock of love bus when i get home apparently the girl i liked made out with the drummer figures i should have known she was a closet ho people make me angry my mother, for one my sister fat people bratty children liberals chris stupid bitches judgemental people god, the list goes on and on i'm a horrible person, just like matt said but i don't feel horrible because i'm not acting on that anger it's just there, like being smart or good at golf i'm not using it to define me i really should work on my poem book more often i have a main character now i don't know how she turns out i'm writing the poems all out of order i take song titles and write about what it makes me think of and then i guess whenever i'm done i'll rearrange them to make sense or not i could just leave it crazy but anyway, i think i'm done i'm in the school library with no one i should go be sociable with e maybe i'll come back tonight when i'm too in tune to sleep

omfg aderall is the coolest shit in the entire world i feel like i just woke up from a full night of sleep except even better, because i don't just want to crawl back into bed everything is fucking fascinating even math i did the whole packet straight through i'm going to go over it again soon, just to make sure i know it all if i get a good grade my mom takes me shopping it's a bribery this time, no threats i think i'm just supposed to assume i never get to go to gymnastics again if i fail but whatever, it's fine, because i won't this stuff lasts for 8 hours and it's only 1 in the morning i have plently of time to do it before i remember school and forced learning make me miserable the best part is that i still have another half in my box and ten more in my gym bag i'm sharing those with the w4 of course we're all living the same double life lie good students during the week, skanky drunk girls on weekends i love how chris gave me a good deal because i'm fucking him well good, i deserve it atleast now i know i'm getting something tangible out of this I think that sick scared part of me wishes i could feel like this all the time this sleepless concentration, it's almost emotionless not once when i was studying did i think "wow this is such a waste of time" because right now, it feels important everything does the music, my journal, my fucking water bottle it all matters somehow and there's also the fact that such an escape is entirely plausible i mean, aderall is a perscription you can get it completely legally if you fake ADD i know i could pull it off but now, it just doesn't seem right to push that much feeling away that's why chris sells his instead of taking a daily dossage they make you turn into a zombie but maybe someday, if i start hurting again the way i sometimes do and my life's half over with no light in view then it's always an option thought i'd put it out there

There's a little pill in a decorated card board box on my bedroom dresser waiting for me to take it and stay up all night and study for midterms Chris gave it to me on sunday or rather, i stole it off the floor it's only addderall, but still it's a turning point, a line to cross i'm kind of scared i'm too self conscious to get there Today at gymnastics was rough I hate the way i let fear control me I feel it underneath my skin, ingrained in every bone warning me in that little voice don't push too hard because you just might suceed and we wouldn't want that to happen now would we? I think i need the attention that comes with being scared it's a position of victimhood, really because basically,most people just give up after a while since they have no idea how fucking crazy it is inside your head and when they walk away, you can just say fuck you, i don't need this even if you do chris helped me out again today for some reason, it just makes me so greatful to sort of half have him I think he knows how much i sometimes need one person in the entire world who isn't me to care just so i can push past my limits sunday with him got a little crazy i got drunk off the rum and vodka he bought us i fucked him in j's workout room after she and bmuff cleared out H kind of "accompanied" us um awkward? but whatever, it was fine i bit chris so hard it left wild animal bruises seeing them at the gym makes me feel strangely in control i think the whole experience made us closer, which is good i need closeness otherwise i start to drift away into my elsewhere and it takes so many days of waking up early and crying to sleep to force myself back in

It's late agian, all dark and freezing out it's less than negative 1 degrees, i think that's what it said when i last looked on the dash board too cold for breathing smokeless too cold to feel alive He was on my mind all day today and i absolutely hate it caring about people who might not care back sucks it makes me feel weak and stupid, like every betraying thought is just another mistake i'm making i tried to rewrite lyrics today, but i kept getting stuck i get stuck at everything lately my life has turned into this giant map of cross roads and choices lots and lots of choices well,driving scares the living shit out of me i would cut off my arm to spend an hour with andrew mcmahon i am glorifying chris to give me someone to think sbout all these sick sad little truths that make me me remind me just how vulnerable and downright pathetic i sometimes feel There's a concert in a sketchy hall tomorow i'm excited because i get to go i remember how last year at bedlight, there was all that energy buzzing and inside my head it was calm and safe and sane just like when i'm drunk, except better because i didn't need liquid help to get there i want it to be like that tomorow i want it to be like that every day for the rest of my life

So good news! I already have fun plans for the weekend! yay! i convinced chris to be my dealer and get shit for my friends and i to get fucked up out of our minds we're going to J's because her parents don't really care and it means my parents don't have to know perfect today at lunch we all had a nice little chat about drugs and whatnot my friends are all so fucked up apparently E was shooting up heroine in holland while J spent freshman year in a cocaine and alcohol coma wow it's so weird when you find things out about people you love that make you feel kind of scared for them they're both fine now, but still it's strange knowing how easy it is to pretend to be completely sane when you're actually just about the opposite at the same time, though, i kind of wish i could have been there with them i need that kind of experience to differentiate me, to remind myself that i am fucking special i feel so normal and boring sometimes and i absolutely despise it i want to feel unpredictable, have a double life to think about those times i just don't want to be anywhere at all it should freak me out that if someone were to offer me acid or ecstasy i'd take it, but it doesn't so far, my life has proven that if i believe i'll coem out on top,then i actually will it takes alot to fuck up your life beyond repair I mean, look at E and J if i didn't know, i never would have even begun to guess I've been thinking about sunday all day, because just the thought of drugs makes my pulse start to race it seems so fun, so easy, all those glorious mistakes to make I'm sure i'll fuck chris, but honestly, i'd do that sober i'm sure i'll say something stupid, get out of control, but atleast i'll have an excuse it's not my fault, i was fucked up, i can say if i do anything wrong in real life, you don't get that there's no good excuses and everyone remembers if you can;t rememember, then nothing happened i want that feeling so bad i could explode and god fucking damnit,it's about time i got to experiement

I think for once I'm actually going to be honest and speak my mind about all the things i'm terrified to say i live here in this little ignorant world under all these images and pretensions i project myself as a whore or a ditz because that's waht they're expecting and i lost my ability to feel ashamed somewhere along the way i have so many things that are really important to me it's crazy how when i let myself get ahead i can really see myself being sort of okay I understand i will alwasy hurt like this, the kind that brings me to tears hiding behind my doorway all alone in the dark it's a part of who i am, a part of belieivng in something i have a no proof of, a part of wanting more than what they're handing out but it's a cross i will gladly bear if it means i can be me, and i mean really be me,the girl who writes poetry and watches reality tv instead of doing homework it is so necesary for me to spend the majority of my waking hours unfeeling as I'm surrounded with everyone else who doesn't need my tears from now on,i cry only here, as i type, in front of the screen onto which i can breath without fear of suffocating i want changes, but i need a plan because wishing and dreaming are just not enough i need action, i need to fight for where i hope to go Because i really think i can have a shot at beautiful 1. writing-i need to have it. Even when i'm talking inside my head, i always think about how my words would look twisted on paper. Writing is the closest thing i have to happy right now, so i'm going to hang onto it tightly. i'm in the middle of a book of song poems about love and lust and the whole party scene. I want to finsih once i have 365 poems; one for every day of the year. MY RESOLUTION: write one a day about whatever song is stuck in my head and add another entry. Let myself become involved in a stroy, let myself take the risk that i'll fail or run out of time. That way, when there's somewhere i just can't be, i'll have a place to go. 2. Music- blasting, beating, rhythym, lyrics. These songs just make me feel so safe and less alone. Andrew Mcmahon,you are my hero. I love when it just clicks and the whole wporld m,akes more since because of a line i never really noticed before. I appreciate all that these bands and these singers have done for me; in fact music has probably been my biggest saving grace. MY RESOLUTION: memorize/rewrite at least one song every day. If I can do just that little bit, then it will be enough 3. Reading-I love books because they are ideas. I can get lost and escape inside my mind so that no one can find me. From now on I PROMISE to read atleast one chapter a night and really, truly, think about it 4. Sleeping- 4 and a half hours a night is all i really need. when i'm exhausted and feel like i'm going to collapse, i cna take 20 minute naps. and on that note, i'm ready for bed goodnight