7/17 Things are only as scary as you make them. But how do you go about something with little to know fear? Courage, is what I'm talking about of course. But how much courage do you really have? How much do I? Do you even know? Is there a way to measure courage? Have you ever asked a friend if you were courageous? I'm sure you've asked at least one of them if you were pretty or handsome. So why not worry about things like courage? Perhaps it's because courage isn't skin deep, so we don't bother asking if other people thing we have it or not. Which is kind of sad really. When was the last time someone said something to you and it stuck in your mind. Something that in a year from now you will remember? I don't mean something that sounded it like it was from a movie. But something that made you think, or made your head tilt and realize that they really are an amazing person, or that they have deeper thoughts then what you figured. When was the last time you said something like that to someone? We are so hung up on our looks, but not hung up on our words. I wish we were. I really do. And I'm not saying that I'm never hung up on my appearance, I do think about it, but I also try to think about what I'm saying. It never comes out right, but at least I'm thinking about it. I suppose if we all talked like poets words wouldn't mean so much to us. I don't mean I want to see people talk like poets. Just to see people who really think, and give thought to what they're saying. I love seeing someone like that, even if they're just BSing. Maybe I'm putting to much thought into this, like I do with most things. 7/18 I didn't really realize how much I'm going to miss this place until last night. We were sitting around at Rus's and TJ says "I'm going to miss you when you're gone, Kathlynn" and then my sister and Rus said it. Even Lil said it. I really am going to miss them, and all these crazy experiences I've had since I've come down here. Last night we went to this clearing in the woods and laid a blanket out. We just laid out there and looked at the stars. We had the puppies with us (there are three of them, TJ's Kilo, Rus's Cross, and my sister's Corona) They played around us, my sister and TJ drank, and we just sat out there talking. It was so peaceful and nice. I'm even going to miss just sitting around Rus's house, watching all the visitors talk and laugh. It's nice, even though I'm a good 4-5 years younger then most of them, I feel at home there. Arnol keeps telling me I can't leave for this amount of time again, but I'm going to. I can't wait to come down here again next summer. I love everything down here. So far I've created wonderful memories of family, nature, swimming, new friends, coming out of my shell, reading, trying new things, learning to feel comfortable, and many other things. I wish I had a video camera in my eyes, and I could take the tape out when I pleased, so I could watch this summer over and over again. Next summer I'll return a little older and a little wiser, I hope it will be just as good then. I'm not sure what I'm getting at here. But I really am going to miss this place. I'm very happy with how everything has turned out, and I know I will definitely come back next summer. I'm not sure why I've been writing so much lately. It's kind of nice though.. Quote of the Day: ~"Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely."~ --Becky Aligada I don't know who she is, I tried looking up her name, but just that quote came up. If anyone knows, could you please tell me? I love this quote.

People can make some of the most beautiful things, and still be in total misery. Some of the greatest artist and writers took their own lives, despite having made incredible works. Most artists or writers I respect were alcoholics. Some of the most happy people I know were ignorant in ways, they didn't know how to appreciate good art or good writing. Or any art or writing in general really. This is sounding sort of offensive...but I have a point, I promise. Maybe because they can't appreciate or enjoy the amazing things they can't see the negative things. Agh, this isn't coming out right! This is exactly what I mean when I say something gets lost in translation. I wish I had a typewriter. Someday I will buy one. Did you know that the qwerty keyboard was made to slow people down? So they wouldn't jam their typewriters. My sister and I were at her friend's house. (Rus, the owner of the house, is funny in a mean way, but still funny...Fre is quiet and loud at the same time, he's nice...TJ is loud and obnoxious, but funny and nice...Lil is Fre's younger sister, she's kind of an idiot, Gar comes around a bit lately, he's really nice..there are always other visitors around) Now that we have the run down of the house. My sister and I were at Rus's house, everyone I mentioned was there. We were listening to Sublime, and then when the cd was over my sister told me to go get my Iron & Wine from the car and put it in. I was really doubtful, I didn't expect anyone there to like it. I got it anyway, and half way through Fre is like ' who picked this out' shyly I said I had then he says 'wow, what a great choice, I love this!' Once the cd was over everyone agreed they liked it. Then Fre gets up and says 'that cd was so awesome I'm going to play it all over again' I don't know why I'm talking about this. I guess I'm just trying to stop thinking so much. I wish I had a switch that just temporarily shut my brain off. Like I could put it on a time limit ' shut off for -:--:--' Someday I will be able to write something down, and it make perfect sense. And come out exactly how I want it to. Someday. I haven't been doing my Quote of the Day....The last few entries I've made I wrote to myself in an email, then posted them..so that's why. Anyway Quote of the Day: ~"Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. "~ --Author Unknown

I thought about death again today, and decided maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Almost as if i had come to terms with the thought of dying. Perhaps this is just another one of those momentary feelings or thoughts. Perhaps it's not. It seems as time goes on and things change so do out priorities. I know that's a very obvious thought, but I was thinking of that in depth today. Things on our to-do list or our 'important things/people' list get moved up and down. Most things will eventually either be kicked off the list entirely, forgotten about, or eventually accomplished. Growing up the most important thing to most of us was getting that new toy, or going to play with your best friend. Then we get a little older and most of our thoughts are on the opposite sex. Of course, once we realize the opposite sex (or same sex for some) has so much to offer us, we keep them on the list. Once we get out of this stage we focus on making a life, getting a job, extending your schooling. Then it's time to settle down, find a good spouse, have a few kids, buy a house, and get a dog for the kids. Then we raise the kids, watch them go through the phases we did, move them out, retire, and wait for death. We are in such routines, and we don't even try to break free. In fact, we like it this way. I don't know where I'm going with this really, I didn't even mean to start talking about life's routines. I think if I die tomorrow and I have helped at least one person, or am remember in favor by one person I will be okay. This world has so much to offer, but I think we've just stopped looking. We take solace in our routines and never move on. Dying young is a tragedy in ways, and a blessing in others. Maybe I'm just being to favorable to death right now. I can only hope that death will be a lot more simple then what life has been. I was thinking about God today. I think about it/him a lot. Even though I am agnostic, I feel there must be something out there. Perhaps it's not that I think that there has to be, but that I want there to be. Sometimes I wish I just had a big book of answers, and I could use it from time to time. Then again, that would take the 'fun' out of life. The sun is about to set over the trees, we're in the mountains. I wish things were simple like nature. You don't have to question nature, it's there, it's always been there, it will always be there...Perhaps that's how I should go about everything. No questions asked..it's there because it's there, it happens because it happens, there is no real reason, it doesn't need a reason. It's there... If only. I'm not sure what's on my mind anymore. I think about a lot of things. I have a lot of ideal thoughts, even though I know I shouldn't. It tends to ruin things. With Sam Beam singing in my ear one of the most pretty lines I've heard, I sit here contemplating anything and everything there is to contemplate. "Please, remember me Happily by the rosebush laughing with Bruises on my chin. The time when we counted every black car passing" It reminds me of when I was little. My friend Josh and I were running around my yard, and I ran into our huge rosebush. I'll never forget that. We also used to hide behind his bushes when we saw a black van, we thought all black vans were kidnappers. I was thinking about writing again. I'm not sure if I can anymore. I haven't tried in a long time. I don't want to write anymore murder stories. I want to write like Bukowski, I want to make an alter ego...I want to write it in journal form. I think it would be silly though. I wish I could still write poetry. I don't think I can anymore though. I thought about painting the other day, but decided not to. I wish I hadn't given up on myself so easily. I wish I had tried a little harder and given myself a little more credit. I wish I had listened when I was receiving compliments. When I write it's like something gets lost in the transition from my mind to mouth. Something is just lost in translation. God, if you're out there. Take care of that kid. He may have made a lot of mistakes in his life, but he's trying to make up for it. I wish I could make some sort of deal with You, but I'm not sure how. If I figure it out, I'll make one. I know I don't have full faith in you, even as I type this now, and I am completely undeserving of anything I ask you. But please, I beg, take care of him.

7/12 Why is it arguing with friends hurts the most? And no matter how right you are, you still feel wronged. Why is it so hard to just say you're sorry first? Even though you know they're dying to hear it just like you are. Do you fight to test one another, or is there really no reason at all? Do some people have reasons? Why are we always sorry for the things we shouldn't be sorry for? Or for the things we really can't control? Perhaps we do fight to test one another. Perhaps we do a lot things to test one another. Perhaps we don't. It seems to me that some of the best lyrics Ive ever heard came from some of the softest voices. I think one of the main reasons I fear death is because I don't want to be forgotten. Which I feel I will. Is there any real reason to fear that though? If everyone dies, we will all meet again..right? It seems that people are always saying not to let the little things get to you, or not to get wrapped up them. But how long can you look at the big picture until you get bored? Why is everything so complicated and contrary? Why can't things just be simple...if they were simple would we want them to be complicated? I'm suppose to go to a party in a little while. I'm not fully sure if I want to. I really just want to take a nice long swim, and calm down. That's mostly because I love nature though. Nature to me can be like a security blanket. It's comforting and it's not going anywhere soon. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the comfort of nature. I appreciate a lot of things, but nature is at the top of my list. Why are people so hesitant to forgive for petty things? Or hold grudges for petty things? Why don't we all try to cause as little negative energy as we can? Then again, I think negativity is just part of human nature. If you gave someone the same type of chocolate everyday for a year, they'd grow tired of the chocolate you're giving them. What if you gave them three types..and altered them every three days? In a pattern..would they still grow tired of it? You're giving them variety..just in order? 7/13 I think a fallen tree is one of the most beautiful sites I've ever seen. Something so beautiful, so powerful lying rotting on the edge of an interstate. I swear I could write like Henry or Hemingway if I just tried a little harder. It always seems if I just did something a little more, or with a little more effort I could have it. But then again, do I really want it? If I could write like them, I'd never do it. I swear to it. I never would. I'd never touch my pen to paper as long as I lived. Have you ever looked closely at a leaf from a tree? What did you see? Did you just see a leaf? Did you see life? Chlorophyll? I could spend all day outside just studying blades of grass. What do you do when you finally get something you want? Something you have longed for? You've chased and chased, now it's yours..but you still feel like you should be chasing? Camden told me to enjoy it...how exactly do I do that? Dar seems to care way more than what I ever thought he could be capable of. It makes me feel nice, but it makes me unsure of myself. I'm not exactly sure why. I over-analyze things to the point of obsession..I'm not sure if that's okay or not. As usual, I'm not sure of much. I am sure of one thing though..and that's that I need to go take a shower and stop thinking so damn much. No good can come from it. I swear.

Why is it that in all movies there is always a big fight then they make up via a heart spilling moment? As if every movie is implanting things must get worse before they get better. Littering spectrums of hope in our lives. Is it better to say too much then to say nothing at all? What if by saying too much you ruin it. Is that better than never taking the risk in the first place? Why is it I write words without the first letter, than go back and write the first letter. (in actual handwriting) it's rather odd. Why is it everyone is searching for the one? People always say things like "I've been searching for someone like you my entire life"? Why don't we learn to enjoy our own company? Why are we so desperate for companionship? We all die alone anyway. Why is it stupid people have so much fun and are always happy? Intelligent lead such different lives. They worry about real problems and have actual concerns. Why aren't I just blissfully stupid? Why does no one appreciate the little things? Like the stars. How much more amazing does it get? These gigantic balls of burning gas millions of miles away are shining so brightly, lighting an otherwise blank sky with beauty. We should take comfort in the stars, what loyal friends they are. Why are we so wrapped up in the little things like parties, reality TV, gossip, and petty such? When was the last time you appreciated a beautiful sunset? Not because you were with your "gf/bf" but just because it was beautiful. When did you last look around and say "wow, what an amazing world we live in" ? Instead you sit on your ass watching Tila Tequila rotting your brain to the core. Go do something! Go have an intelligent conversation, go read an amazing work of literature, go listen to the wind blow! Why did we stop writing? Where have all the good writers gone? All the ideas? Am I just blind? What has happened? For all you know you could have been the next Hemingway, or Einstein, or Aristotle! Instead you sit around watching shit television, gossiping, bitching about petty shit, like not getting to go that party this weekend, or how that cute guy doesn't like you, or how you need to lose 20 lbs. To be frank, no one gives a fuck. If that's all your life consists of then you need to A) change B) kill yourself. You are the reason this world sucks. For all you lazy Americans out there, go do something! Go make history! We have lost this country to apathy! We are based off of Locke's ideas...one of his key points being that if the gov. is not looking out for the people, then it is to be overthrown. our government definitely does not give two shits about us, and we all know we need a revolution. Ben Franklin once said that a country should have a revolution every 100 years our country is what, 200 years old? we should have had 2 revolutions by now..but we haven't. why? because the American people are too shoved up their own asses to give a fuck. We have lost this once great country to apathy. If you are agreeing with any of this in the slightest sense, then please. Do something! Make a website, write out your ideas, tell your friends, just do something. I realize I sound like a hypocrite because of my entries. I vent in this journal..but this is what most my thoughts are usually like. Questions that can't really be answered and drive myself mad with these ideas no one seems to care about. If yo have some sort of want to convey your thoughts to me on this sort of thing email me. its-all-under-the-table@hotmail.com If you have a site you want me to join I'm more than happy to. Please, if you are out there with ideas similar to mine, contact me! I'm drowning in apathy. [this was written around..5am, there's a second smaller part I'll post at a later time] Quote of the Day: ~"A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future."~ --Einstein sorry for the impossibly long entry.

With all the different ways I act and think, I should have multiple personalities. I change on an hourly basis. I'm currently listening to a cover of 'I just died in your arms tonight' It's pretty good. His voice is kind of whiny, but it matches this song. I'm really looking forward to leaving Saturday morning. I'm going to get fucked up this summer. I hope so at least. I'm sure my sister will let me try stuff, but I don't know if she'll let me try LSD. I hope so. I'm a pretty good kid, to be honest. I hardly do any wrong. I usually obey my parents wishes. I just want to forget about all this shit that's happening. I know that won't fix things, so don't try to feed me a line. I just want to cut loose and have some fun, for once. I went to a show the other night. I only went to see Arnol, who was in town for the show. It turned out to be quite fun. I met an old friend, Dea, I knew him a few years ago. When I was still good friends with Tany. He was friends with her older brother. He looked good, he had bulked down. It was nice seeing him again, we talked a lot. Arnol and I met this awesome paramedic, we discussed conspiracies theories and such. It was great. He was really intelligent, which gives me hope i won't grow up and be surrounded by morons. He was also a little crazy. Arnol and I agreed that was probably why we like him so much. He was intelligent and crazy just like us. I think I might make a joural to keep while I'm away. I don't plan on getting online much, if at all. I still need an outlet though. I like making books. Well, small ones. It's fun to decorate the covers. I might take up writing again. Maybe I'll record my summer experiences. Or make a character and base their experiences off of mine..only make it much better. haha. Like an alter ego I guess, I've never tired that. I see a lot of people doing that..so it must have some sort of fun in it. I was suppose to have driver's ed this week, but I told them to reschedule it for when school starts. I want to enjoy my last week with my friends. I'm going over to Ale's tomorrow. I've never talked about her. I call her trashman..she's pretty awesome. I'm excited. Her mom will be out of town. Then I'll see Arnol on Friday, kind of like a going away sort thing..I don't know. He just said he wanted to see me again before I left. I still feel extremely lonely, but I'm trying to enjoy my own company like I used to. i don't know..I'm in a really laid back mood right now, so nothing seems like a big deal. I'm sure in an hour or two it will kick in again..hah I emailed this girl..I don't know if she'd appreciate me dropping her name..so I'll just call her MS. She does portraits with adobe illustrated. I asked if she could do mine and she did. It looks great. I'll post it..but if it's too big I'll probably erase it later. Click on it to see the full image.. That's what I look like, so if you wanna stalk me, you know what I look like. =] haha Quote of the Day: ~"Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, So do our minutes hasten to their end."~ --Shakespeare

What a great two days I've had. Actually..they've been hell. First, I fight with my childhood friend because she's a spoiled little brat. She thinks her parents are oh so mean because she needs new clothes, make up, and hair prodcuts. Maybe if she didn't shop at the most expensive stores possible, didn't wear 2 pounds of make up, and didn't need 10 hair products to make her hair look the same as it always does, she would have all the shit she wants. It's not even like she doesn't get whatever she wants whenever she wants it. She is spoiled rotten. She is greedy. I love her to death though, and I could never stop being friends with her. We've been friends for 7 years now. I ended up apologizing and taking the high road, of course everything is peachy keen now. She's still the same spoiled person, she always will be and my words will never change that. That was last night. Then today, I got in a big screaming argument with my abusive boyfriend. Yeah..I'm throwing that out there. Hence, what I can never talk about in this journal. Anyhow..we got into a fight and he held me down and I felt like I was suffocating, so I started hitting his back to get him to stop, he smashed his face against mine, and then bites my cheek as hard as he can. I scream and start yelling to get out of my house. He leaves my room, I lock the door. He calls my mom to pick him up and take him home. (while crying hysterically) He still isn't sure if it's over. It is. I wrote him a letter to clarify (there is no way in hell I'm getting near him) and a sent photos of the big bite marks on my cheek. I'm very scared right now in all honesty. I'm scared and paranoid. I'll be leaving soon, for AR. The original plan was wait until I'm going to leave, break things off and try to enjoy my summer alone. That didn't work out. These marks look so bad. I showed a friend a photo of them, and he said they should go away in a few days..I hope he's right, I feel like a freak show. So that was the first part of my day. Now as I was talking to a dear friend I was telling him how I wished a different friend was online. And he asked why an I said 'because he is comforting and nice to talk to' and he got mad. Which okay..he's mad..that's okay. But I listen to him talk about Suss (my childhood friend) every fucking day, and I never say anyhting. Just randomly he'll be like 'suss is so cool/cute/funny/etc' whatever he wants to put in that day. It's annoying, but I don't get pissy because I know Suss means something to him. So how can he do that to me? Especially with all the shit I just went through..you've got to be kidding. He reads this, so he'll most likely see all of it. I don't care. How could you do this trev? Why? Why right now out of all times? =\ I feel so lonely. I can't wait to be away from all this, all these people that just make me feel awful. I've been feeling really lonely lately, to top off all the other shit feelings I have. woo... I'm kind of happy though...in a way..I'm out of my abusive relationship. It's been almost two years now since we started dating. Probably about a year he's been abusing. I have a different journal that explains all of it, I haven't written in it in a long time. It's not like the people tried to make me feel lonely..I'm not blaming them..I just do. I feel really useless, most the people I know I help out, but they've all been helped/helped themselves, and they're okay now. I have no one left to help, I'm useless. I don't know.. I have so much on my mind. It just doesn't seem like anyone understands what's going through my mind. Maybe one person..but I don't know.. I hope I come back a new person after this summer. I don't know what I'll do if I come back and still feel awful.. I don't really want to think about it either. I'm leaving the 7th so if I don't post much after that, don't worry..not that you would, but just in case. I don't like to just disappear on people. Anyways..I think I need to get off to bed..these past days have really taken a toll. Especially today with all that.... Here's the link to my other journal, I have no reason to hide it. : -link removed- I don't need that dead weight anymore. Quote of the Day: ~"“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.”~ ---Mark Twain Take care.

Big Five Test Results Extroversion (30%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private.
Accommodation (76%) high which suggests you are overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense too often of your own individual development (martyr complex).
Orderliness (72%) high which suggests you are overly organized, neat, structured and restrained at the expense too often of flexibility, variety, spontaneity, and fun.
Emotional Stability (36%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Inquisitiveness (66%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.
Take Free Big Five Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com This was very accurate. stolen from: caitlinsspecial.

I just read CurtneyIsASuperher0's journal. I have read hers. I also like the song Jesus Christ. If you haven't read her latest journal you're probably lost. Anyways, thanks Curtney, for the compliment on being introspective. I tend to find that part of me (which is a big part of me) slightly annoying. So, thanks. :]

I have been thinking of death a lot. It captivates me for some reason. I am fearful of it. It's that fear that riddles my mind with questions. What will death be like? Will we feel ourselves fade out of this world? How will we feel when we are fading? What happens once we die? Will we float up to the clouds and stand in front of pearly gates? Will we take a new body, remembering nothing from the past life. Will there be nothing? No god, no afterlife, no reincarnation...just nothing? How can that be? There must be something..there must. Death seems to be so untimely, so unconventional. Not that it is meant to be conventional or timely.. How can there be a body with no person inside? It all seems so surreal to me. People with so much potential, so much to look forward to die so easily. Life and death is a matter of seconds. We are ticking bombs, waiting to detonate at any moment. I could die tomorrow, so could you. Everything you know, everything you love, hate, cherish..all of it gone in a split second. Time seems to me to be the most precious thing we have. Yet, time is really nonexistent. You can not touch it, nor feel it, nor see it, nor hear time. It's in your mind really. If you asked someone if they'd like to be immortal, most would say no. They wouldn't want to live forever, all their loved ones would die, and they remain. Which is true, but what if we knew there was nothing after life..just emptiness..do you think that would change people's opinions? If the bible and all that is right, I will burn in hell. Which I am for the most part okay with... If Muslims are right I might be an animal..most likely I would be. I haven't been the best person, and I have much time (or seemingly) to mess up. I'm okay with that as well. I'm okay with most the afterlives shown to us by religions. I am not okay with empty..with nothing. I want to remember. If I am to live in an isolated world, never to see the face of another living being again, so be it. As long as I can remember. I've probably said this all before. Death is on my mind a lot lately. Someone told me to think of lighter things. Don't think of death or creation, but think of things like history or literature. Everything reminds me of death though. Flowers...wilt and die. History..I think of wars..wars WWII..the holocaust, mass slaying...death. Literature, I think of Hemingway, who killed himself. I don't know I'm just rambling.. Quote of the Day: "These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey Is loathsome in his own deliciousness And in the taste confounds the appetite: Therefore love moderately; long love doth so; Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow." -Friar Laurence Romeo & Juliet I realize that kind of goes against my rules..since no actual person said it (except actors and Shakespeare) However, I find this line very interesting...because of the meaning, and because powder..as in gun powder was not around in Romeo's time..Shakespeare messed up on that.