I feel so very lost and confused right now. I have been doing absolutely nothing but thinking for the past 30 minutes. I've drawn no conclusions. That was really productive. So I decided I would write it all down in my journal. Because I know you all just clinging to my every word. I only watched Donnie Darko twice today. That's because I wasn't home, and I watched the director's cut, which is longer. I've been completely dissecting that movie. There was something I had confused in it, I was talking to r.a.s about. she said: 'hmm, im sure youll figure it out you live and breathe DD' Haha. She's right though. I have become really obsessed with this movie. I even think about it when I'm not watching it. I can recite most of it by now. My msn name has a line from it, and so does my post message. I even dream about it. Last night I dreamt I was getting on a train to leave for summer vacation. Someone I know that has become decently significant to me was standing outside of it. They had walked me to the station. Frank's voice came on saying 'Don't leave.' So, I got off the train. I saw my friend still standing there, and when I walked up behind them they turned around, but it was Frank. And then all the doors in the station were covered with glass, but I couldn't bust it open. Frank was gone but his voice said, 'Find a way, it's more obvious then you think.' My friend was on the other side, and right when I had found the way, I woke up. I think what I have done is replaced all my real problems and worries with that movie. Oh well.. I had a discussion with a friend, about how I'm so closed off and refuse to ask other's for help, etc. It kind of hurt..but I kind of needed it I guess. It's hard to face something like that. I really just wanted to shut him out. I don't know, I don't want to talk/think about that anymore. I feel very useless lately. I never get anyhting accomplished. I do..but I don't know..it's hard to explain. It's like I'll accomplish something and by time I get it done, I'm bored with whatever I was doing. I'm looking forward to this summer, but I'm really apprehensive about leaving. I can't explain why I'm apprehensive. Well, I could, but I'm not going to. I should really go to bed. I'm just not tired. Tomorrow is mother's day. I have lines I should be memorizing, but I don't think I even bothered to bring the book home. I'm bleeding, but the wound itches. It's very annoying. Ha, I love when people say their about to leave, but then they don't. Shakespeare died on his birthday. April 23rd. I think he died in 1616? and was born in 1564? I'm not completely sure, but I'm not going to look it up. Why does skin swell? It's painful and I dislike it. I'm sure I could answer that question if I just took a little time to think. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to. I've been thinking a lot about the afterlife. I don't believe anything the bible says. It's bullshit, and a lot is plagiarism. However, I don't deny the existent of God, yet I don't think there can be proof. So where does that leave the afterlife? I sometimes envy people who are religious, and have faith. They always have someone to be around, even if they might not exist.. It's like a free ticket to being crazy. You can talk to imaginary people, think about them, write about them, debate about them, lecture about them, preach about them, you can dedicate your whole life to them! Hell, some people even see them or hear them. Yet, they aren't stuck with names like schizophrenic. No, they're considered special! Religion is very odd. Anyways..I envy them because they are never alone, and they always have something constant in their lives. It's like...they have this odd sort of faith with this almost/if not imaginary being. How? There is no proof..a book of words written by man.. It's very odd to me. Every living creature on Earth dies alone. I really love that quote. It is so very true, but it's something you don't want to admit. So..I guess I'm going to start quoting it now. Oh well, at least it's a good movie to quote. This is getting kind of long. The search for God is absurd? It is if everyone dies alone. I was going to put the other part to that, but decided against it. It's kind of lengthy. I feel rather alone now. Sure, I have lost of friends. People who are willing to listen and help. But I don't have anyone in my life I want to go to for that help or ear, or even just to talk to. I feel like Callie. I'm not going to die, but crawling under the porch to be alone sounds pretty inviting right now. Haha, I bet someone reads this who dislikes me and says 'yeah, go do that, and die while you're at' hahhaha I can't wait until I can read over these entries and be so thankful I don't feel this way anymore. I can't wait to be well again. Dar used to always tell me how happy I was. I was one of the happiest people he knew. Now, he never says things like that. hey say right when they flood the house and they tear it to shreds that... "destruction is a form of creation," so the fact that they burn the money is ironic. They just want to see what happens when they tear the world apart. They want to change things. Someday, this will all be better. I promise. I wasn't quoting Donnie..even though that is very similar to a quote. Well, the first paragraph was one, but the sentence wasn't. I know, somewhere in my heart, it tells me that this will all be better. I will be well. I think this is more that enough as far as writing goes. Quote of the Day: ~"Cellar Door"~ --J. R. R. Tolkien Have a Mother's Day.

It's cold in my room, but I'm keeping the window open. The pitter-patter of rain on my window pane is one noise I could honestly live for. Next time your walking through the hall of your school, take a second to look around and just listen. The footsteps, the voices, the whispers, secrets, gossip, weather, teacher yelling, kids laughing, papers falling. It all just falls together. Next time your in the library look around, listen, feel, it's silent but there's still noise. There's always noise. Libraries are wonderful, filled to the brim with book, old, new, modern, aged. Shelves lined with them. It feels almost secretive. Which one do you choose? Who has read it before? Next time your walking outside, look around at the trees, at the light. The way light falls onto you. I don't know why I'm saying any of this. I stood out in the rain today for a good 30 minutes, just stood there. I looked around, and I thought some things, but most of my thoughts were absent. Donnie Darko just finished, for the 3rd time today. I'm starting it over. The ending is so great. I won't explain, in case you haven't seen it. It makes you almost ache inside, but you know it's for the best. It's a painful sort of happy. Self-sacrifice always is. Self-sacrifice really amazes me. It's one of those things that when people do it (which is rare) it makes you tilt your head in awe, and you almost want to ask them why? Hah, I must be a good bullshitter 'cause I told myself I'd right about my feelings, and this is what came of it. If I ever have a pet rabbit, I'm definitely naming it Frank, which reminds me...my cousin is suppose to give me a black rabbit. Woo Frank. Feeling time, seriously, Kat. I feel pretty damn worthless lately. I don't know if I've talked about this, if so, I apologize: I told my mom about how I feel. She said 'well, we can put you one medication for that.' Well, great mommy dearest. Precisely what I don't want. Anyhow, my sister called, and I talked to her, and then told her about it. She said I could come stay with her (Arkansas) and that it would be a sort of rehabilitation, or however she put it. She had a long rant about how mom doesn't know anyhting and that what she said to me is so typical her. I hope it all works out. My mother is preparing things, like checking on plane ticket or train tickets, so on. I'm trying not to get too stoked, if it doesn't work out, I don't want to feel really let down. Last night I spilled all my worries to a friend, and he was comforting , it felt kind of nice i guess. I don't know, I don't like talking about my feelings. (even though I'm forcing myself to now..hah) okay. I'm done. Quote of the Day: ~"Real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what. "~ -Harper Lee Did you know Harper Lee and Truman Capote grew up as neighbors and were good friend? If you didn't, now you do.

All the cool kids seem to be doing this. Fallen said is was 'scary accurate' or something like that. So, I gave it a go. http://www.colorquiz.com/ Your Existing Situation The existing situation contains critical or dangerous elements for which it is imperative that some solution be found. This may lead to sudden, even reckless, decisions. Self-willed and rejects any advice from others. That's right I guess. I've been kind of reckless lately, but with anger..and it says nothing about anger. Your Stress Sources The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision. That's true. However, I have high hopes to fix everything come summer. Your Restrained Characteristics Relationships rarely measure up to her high emotional expectations and her need to be made the center of things, leading to disappointment . Always has mental reservations and tends to remain emotionally isolated and unattached. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity. What the hell? hahah. The only part of that that was anywhere near true was about being left isolated. lol. Your Desired Objective Takes easily and quickly to anything which provides stimulation. Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics cleverly so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermined others' confidence in herself. Hm, I guess that's true. I'm an aries after all. Your Actual Problem The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be. This is all very true. For reasons you do, and do not know. (if you read my journal, that is.) Hm, well that soaked up some time. Note to self: write down all plans, in order to clear mind. Quote of the Day: ~"no quote."~

I realize this was kind of quick. Oh well. (Alice in Wonderland is on) (I thought you'd like to know) Anyways. The story I'm about to show you is not named. I rarely name stories. It may be a bit confusing. I've had my English teacher correct it, but I haven't updated all corrections. It will have run-ons. It will have grammatical errors. If it bothers you, I'm sorry. It bothers me too. If you think of a good name for it email me at; its-all-under-the-table@hotmail.com (also, if you wish, tell me what you think. or just add me for fun, whatever works.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There once lived a girl who was exceedingly proud of the beauty she bestowed. She had not always been that way though. Growing up as a child she had wealth beyond belief and all the nicest and most luxurious things in life. However, her parents were absent more often than not. She knew only her nanny. The nanny treasured the girl and taught her to be proud. She was often teased in school, she would come home day after day crying. The nanny would always tell her the school children were jealous of the girl's infinite beauty. Soon she grew confidence, but it soon turned into conceit. When someone didn't do as she pleased, she immediately accused them of jealousy and dismissed the problem at hand, never resolving anything. The nanny eventually saw the behavior and tried to correct it. The effort was in vain though. The child dismissed the beloved nanny. The nanny heartbroken, gave the child a few words of wisdom, "Do no let these conceited ways get the best of you, or someday you will see the lasting effects." The child thought nothing of it and went about her self centered ways. She filled her room with luxurious mirrors. Her most prized possession, apart form her beauty, was her vanity which she often sat at watching herself brush her hair. She counted every stroke. She was often thought of as ruthless, rude, and unkind. Although teased as a child she learned nothing from the experience. She teased her school mates often about their ugly appearances. She had no friends, although she was far from lonely. Her greatest friend was her own reflection, for it would never leave. One day she looked into her mirror, and her reflection was gone. She commenced to panic, but soon quieted her worried mind. She patiently waited for it's return. Knowing it could not be gone forever. A week or so after the event she awoke and went to her vanity, there her reflection was peering out at her, "Miss me?" it asked. She was taken back, she struggled for words wondering if she had lost her sanity. The reflection reiterated the question, this time the girl spoke up, "Well, yes. I did miss you. I'm certain you missed me as well?" The reflection laughed, 'Why would I miss such a revolting creature as yourself?" "I am beautiful!" yelled the girl. "Poor poor child,"said the reflection sadly, "you are the ugly duckling dear, it's quite sad," The girl turned her nose up, "How do you say such things? You are after all my own reflection, you are me." "Tisk Tisk child, oh how naive you are. I am what you want to see not what you are. I am the beautiful swan you wish you were," the girl began to sob. She climbed into her bed only to look up at her mirror covered headboard. There lie her reflection staring back at her. It smiled and began to mock her, "Oh how beautiful I am, it's okay to be jealous. Perhaps someday you will be as pretty as me,"the reflection giggled cruelly and carried on. The girl hid under her lavish blankets, she put a heavy silk pillow over head, trying as hard as she could to block out the voice. She eventually fell into sleep, dream she did not. When she awoke she recalled the horrendous nightmare. She shook it form her mind. The girl rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and headed for her full length mirror. There it was, in all it's glory. her reflection. Yet, it stood still, and moved exactly as she did. She moved closer when she was within inches of it it shrieked. She screamed in terror. The reflection only laughed, 'Oh ugly girl, you frighten too easily." "I am not ugly!" she screamed. They began to argue back and forth. Once again the reflection outsmarted her contradicting every work that spilled from her mouth. The girl quickly gave up and left the mirror. Everywhere she went there was always a mirror or window in which stood her reflection mocking her at every chance. Day in and day out she dealt with the agonizing voice. One afternoon she became so fed up she ran for the kitchen. The obscure reflection in the toaster stared at her, "What are you doing?" it asked. "Oh you'll see soon enough,"she smiled. She ran back to the room, a meat tenderizer in hand. She looked at the reflection in one of her mirrors, "I've had enough of you!" she began smashing the mirror, she went about smashing mirrors throughout her room. Despite the sound of breaking glass the reflections laugh over shadowed it all. She stopped and looked at it. "You can't destroy all the mirrors in the world, you foolish girl," the reflection went about laughing. The girl took up her smashing in anger. Suddenly a shard of glass flew back at her and pierced her skin. "Ouch!' they yelled in unison. She looked up quickly. The girl smiled as an idea quickly took place within her mind. She ran for the kitchen again. Out she pulled a lengthy knife, the reflection stared up out of it, "Up to something, I see." it said menacingly. She ran to the full length mirror and stared at the reflection. She sliced her shoulder. The reflection yelled for her to stop. She began slicing various parts of skin. Each time the reflection yelped, "Do you surrender?"asked she. "Never!" responded the reflection, "I'll be with you till the end, you wretched little cur," the reflection flashed a satisfied smile, thinking it had won the battle as usual. Infuriated and irate, the girl had had enough. Tortured by her own mind she grabbed the knife, "Till the end? Then let this be the end!" She stabbed herself in the stomach. She dropped to her knees along with the reflection. She pulled the knife out and thrust it in again. This time dropping to the floor completely. The reflection spoke on e last time, "Do no let these conceited ways get the best of you, or someday you will see the lasting effects." The girl cried out in terror, she pulled the knife out once more but died before the blade once again pierced her flesh. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The end. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If it seemed gruesome, I'm sorry. I'm a murder/tragedy writer. I guess this is more of a suicide. Oh well. I generally write murder.

My wrists smell like nag champa. The thoughts swarming my mind consist of three things; whats wrong with me? is -insert name- okay? whats it like to take acid? The last one seems random, but I've thought about that a lot lately. I lied yesterday when I said I came home and painted. I tried out some new paints, but grew bored and uninspired. I ended up throwing my paint brushes in the sink, having a break down, and going to sleep. I was really inspired by the sub too. =\ I just don;t know anymore.. Did I ever know? Are you going to answer my questions? (I'm waiting) asshole. bleh. I failed my bio test today. I didn't study for it, we had time to study in class, but I decided to sleep. We had a test in english as well, but I rock at english and couldn't fail that class if I tried. I'm not bragging either, I'm perfectly serious. My sister sucks at english and history, and rocks at maths and science. I rock at english and history, and suck at maths and science. I haven't talked to her in a good while. I've been meaning to call her. The thought of talking to her for a really long time (we always have great discussions) is really repulsing. Which is fucked up, I love my sister.. I also need to call my friend Emma, even though she blew me off, like always. But that was like around Christmas. Again, the thought of talking to her for a really long time is repulsing. I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to hide away. I think I might take a risk and post a short story later. Please. Do not steal my story. Every story I write is like a child to me. No kidnapping, please. Quote of the Day: ~“Nonviolence is a weapon of the strong”~ --Mahatma Gandhi Seriously kids, violence isn't cool. You're name isn't Tyler Durden, we should treat everyone with respect. I myself am guilty of being non-respectful, but that doesn't mean I don't try to be kind. That sounds 'gay' but I don't care. We are so fucked up, if I could just reach out to one person and make them want to be a peaceful individual I'd feel I had made a difference in this cold world.

I had an amazing substitute teacher in art today. He's been subbing for the past few days, but I was bashful as hell to talk to him. So Mar did, and then we started this discussion about how the art world is such a mess. Then Mar left the conversation and we started talking about what kind of art he liked doing. I asked him about painting, and then we started talking about artists, and then I ended up showing him my first abstract painting. He liked it. Then he gave me a bunch of tips, which were amazing. He really inspired me. I came home and painted. [I should be telling this to someone, I was excited to, but I think I fucked that up.] I feel really guilty, I kind of, not really, sort of, blew someone off. Now they're away, and have been for the past two hours. Fuck. I haven't slept well for the past 3 nights, maybe four..I don't know. Time is an illusion, unless you ask Aristotle. Smoke on that shit. I hate this. When I'm down or whatever I'm really sarcastic and joke-like. Which is not me at all. Does anyone actually keep up with my depressing journal? If so, why? There's a user on here who has been posting a novel, chapter by chapter. That's how Dickson did it. At first, at least. Did you know that? Anyways, I emailed him and told him what I thought, he emailed me back today. I told him I was a writer too, he said I should put some of my work on sm. I might. I don't know. I'm fucking tired. 9 more minutes, and then I give up, and I'll just have to leave Mr. Away a message. Man, I feel like shit. I don't know, I had pretty good day I guess. I think I have serious paranoia problems. lol. That's not funny. I guess. I don't know. Do I know anything? -well yeah. -lots of things. -example? -a shit load of useless knowledge -that explains nothing. -fuck off. Ah, I just love my mind. Gah. I don't know what to do anymore. Quote of the Day: ~"Don't join the book burners. Don't think you're going to conceal faults by concealing evidence that they ever existed. Don't be afraid to go in your library and read every book... "~ --Dwight D. Eisenhower

When ever something bad happens, or I'm let down by something or someone. I tell myself everything happens for a reason, and try to shrug it off. [I'm starting to think this isn't true.] I miss journaling on here, but I never seem to know how to explain myself. I just draw a blank. Things have been really up and down lately. Someday I'll sit down to write on here and be able to explain everything. If you haven't heard iron & wine, go listen, now. Seriously, I just bought The Shepherd's Dog. It's incredible. I'm in deep love with Boy With a Coin. http://youtube.com/watch?v=TLNyVLbqdEg [I didn't think there'd be a video, I was wrong. What a nice surprise.] Quote of the Day: ~"“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose”~ -Charles Bukowski PS I have a lot of things to be reading. I just got The Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway and To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee from the library. I've read to kill a mockingbird before, if you haven't I highly recommend it. I also bought two books at this rummage sale sort thing at my mom's work. I bought Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain and Picture Perfect by Fern Michaels. Picture perfect is a murder/mystery novel I'm excited to read. Then I have The Talisman by Stephen King on it's way. The librarian ordered it for me. I'm almost done with the old man and the sea, but I've been reading very leisurely. It's not really like me. I guess it's nice though. [sorry for the long PS]

"anyoneeeee. im bored! someone respond???" Hello, sunshine. How are you?

So, I still don't know what the fuck my problem is, or why i feel so goddamn, down all the fucking time. To make life even better! My inside/outside cat has to be kept outside. My inside cat, that I've had for ever and ever is sick. She's been sick for the past week. My birthday is in three fucking days, and I'm wondering who all will remember. I just told my ceiling to fuck off, and that I hate it. (directed at 'god') I told it something like, 'if you do fucking exist, then strike me down, ole mighty one, fuck the lord, see? I'm taking your name in vain, smite me, I fucking challenge you, smite me!' and more ranting..at my ceiling. While also pacing like the crazy bastard I just so happen to be. So now, I'm sitting here, ranting to an online journal. Hey, all you strangers, why are you reading this? So great, it's just a cat right? right.. fuck this. My mom told me earlier and after about ten 'I don't want to talk about this.' 's she let it go. I'm listening to Vivaldi. Play me something nice Fabio! Concerto in D minor, RV394 - 3 Yippee yay. I've been practicing my smile for my birthday, and my excited face. Which is harder than what you'd think. Okay, enough of this. I hope you all had a dandy time reading it. Quote of the Day: ~"Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor."~ -Queen Elizabeth I

I don't know anymore. I just don't know. I give out advice to all these people. In fact, a girl I met via here asked me for advice today. On two separate things, and I gave her advice. She said it was good advice, and that I always give good advice. That I help her out. Which is great, I'm not bitching about that. I'm stoked I help her out. It's just, why can't I take my own damn advice? Why am I so indecisive when it comes to my problems. If you were to right now, add me on msn, and ask me for advice on whatever problem you had, I could almost, if not immediately give you advice. But when it comes to my problems, I can't make up my damn mind on anything. Of course not, that would make life easy. I can't explain what type of mood I'm in. Because I can't explain anything. ever. I am screwing everything up right now. I can't get one thing right. I can't even paint. I was sketching a tree, that I planned to paint. I didn't have that great of a day, so I was going to paint. So I sketch up this tree, it looks fucking awful. I love drawing trees, it's great fun, I draw them up in class a lot lately. But the one time I need to draw a tree, of course not. Life just gave me the finger. Yesterday I painted this killer painting, I was in love with it. So I lay it on my drawing board to dry, 20 minutes later I go to lift it up, it tears completely in half. Are the painting gods pissed at me? I just bought a bunch of new paints too. I was so excited to use them. Now I just feel it was a waste of money. This not even what I'm mad about. I can't even write in a damn journal anymore. I'm so very sick of myself. I'm sitting here listening to Vivaldi, performed by Fabio Biondi. Trying to calm down, trying to relax, sketching a tree. The only think I end up getting was failure. I wish Hank Chinaski were still alive. He could write up some more poems, and publish them, and I could read them. I finished his book. In case your wondering, Hank Chinaski is Bukowski's autobiographical character. He is called that by various people in some of the poems I've read. I'm getting off subject as usual. What was my subject? Oh yes, I'm pissed off, and I can't portray why. Oh fuck, none of you care. Why are you still reading? Stop Reading This It's Nonsense. Work? I didn't think it would. Hello. How are you today? Terrible, I'm sorry to hear that. Would you like a stick of gum? No? Too many calories, or what? Oh, watching you're figure, I see. Well, summer is coming up soon. We wouldn't want to have any chub for bathing suit season, now would we? You porky bastard. This is entertainment.. I wish I had more Bukowski to read. His poems are so very honest and blunt. They don't feel like some fairy tale world, where a princess is rescued, and they live happily ever after. His sad poems aren't written in metaphors and smilies, they are written exactly how one would talk about something sad. He makes you feel like he is sitting in front of you, having a casual conversation. In one poem, he even talks about if this poem will be published, and if you are reading it. How he may be dead and gone. How he is talking to you, and how he is alive for that moment. I fiercely love that poem. Surprisingly, I am not so angry anymore. Vivaldi is still pumping through my speakers. In case you were wondering. I downloaded some Jefferson Airplane today, I still haven't gotten around to listening to it. Right now, I'm just eating up my Vivaldi. If I were to throw a party and be able to invite anyone I could this is who I'd invite; Bukowski, Hemingway (Bukowski wrote a poem about the hatred of Hemingway, its about a girl who hates him, I love it), Vivaldi, Carl Czerny, Prokofiev, (we would be having a concert, I'm guessing) River Phoenix, Gandhi, and John Lennon. Okay, this became my 'people who are deceased party' Who would you invite if you had one? Okay, I'm done. I hope you enjoyed all that. Quote of the Day: ~“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose”~ ---Charles Bukowski