Sunday Afternoon Music: Belle & Sebastian It's not yet afternoon, but that's who I'll be listening to once it is. It's 9:44am and to me afternoon begins around 11. I think I'm going to watch Garden State in a bit. I really love that movie, so does Dar, we quote it a lot. We're both a little crazy, and it's okay; I wouldn't have it any other way. Yesterday I talked to Camden of happiness, and how I didn't know what makes me happy. Then that very day I spent it with Dar, and while I didn't have that excited happiness (like when you get a new cd or necklace) I realized just looking at him that if life when on like this forever, then I would be content. I always seem to be looking for the wrong thing. I was searching for that excited-happy, but I was looking for it to be permanent. I know now that is not a permanent emotion, and the happiness I felt last night was much more deep than that. I'm saving up to get my Alice in Wonderland costume for Halloween. I'm terribly excited for it. Not just the costume but Halloween altogether. Sean is going to dress up like a girl. He came up to me on Thursday and says, 'Kat, I need to ask you something' I say okay, and he says 'well, you dress pretty nicely and for Halloween I want to be a chick, so could I borrow some of your clothes, I think we're about the same size' I agreed and then laughed imagining Sean in my clothes. It should be great fun, that Holiday always is. Autumn is here. I am so happy, autumn is beautiful I love it. So, I'm thinking I'm going to try and write every Sunday morning/arvo. I have blue curtains, so I open up the blind and let the curtain hang down so there's a blue light in my room, I like it that way, in the morning at least. I also like to read journal's on Sunday mornings, and I like to read the new post secret's. I like to plan ahead on Sunday's too, so there's no worry. This afternoon, I'm going to eat a cup of noodles, have a bottles of water, listen to Belle & Sebastian, and surf ebay to find weird things I plan to buy eventually. I think Sunday has become my favorite day of the week. Quote of the Day: "Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." -- Lao Tzu

I miss arkansas, but I know already that next summer won't be the same. There's been a lot of things that have happened since I left. And it seems just about everyone but Gur has fallen. Fro is now dating Amy..which is bad, because Amy was dating Dougie and Fro didn't even wait a week to start dating her. Which is a major no-no. It's BS, Dougie is a great guy, and doesn't deserve that at all. Fro's done this to several other people too. (stealing girlfriends) Then there's Rus and Lil. Rus is crazy in love with Lil, and Lil doesn't love him back. Everyone thinks he just wants in her pants, but he came out and told Lil he loved her. Then bought her a pair of real nice shoes with money he doesn't have and told her to lie to the House and say her mom got them for her. TJ and my sister have had a fall out because of my sister's new boyfriend. TJ feels abandoned, but Tas can't help it really. Her new boyfriend is like her drinkin' buddy, and TJ isn't much of a drinker. Plus, so much drama is happening Tas is just trying to stay to the side lines, and TJ doesn't understand. Plus, I'm about 85% TJ loves my sister more than she could ever know, but don't tell her that. :x Now, the electricity has been shut off at the House, and everyone has had to fend for themselves elsewhere. I knew it would happen, I just didn't want to think about it. My sister already said she doubts we'll spend as much time there as we did. Which honestly...is okay with me.. Fro's real colors came out, and he to me is a just another asshole Virgo. Rus, as much as I love the guy, will be impossible to look at the same. Lil, I never connected that much with anyway. TJ, my swimming buddy, will visit me I know. So really, I just want to see Gur, cause he's simple and wonderful. Of course I'll miss the House...but I'm embracing changes in my life, and this is just another one. I have my memories there, and even if I did go back and everything was peachy, it will still be different. Only in a much worse sort of way..it would be an awkward thick-aired way, where I no longer know what to do, cause I know whats gone on. I'll see them all again someday, just not the way it was. Plus, I think I'm okay with changes, and I'm okay with not going back. I don't have the need to run in the past. I'm happy with where my life is. I'm comfortable, I know who I am and where I stand, and most importantly; I'm happy. I'm actually very happy with where my life is right this moment. I just cut my hair the way I've longed for, I go to shows every weekend, I get my school work done, I have a wonderful beau, and just the overall feel of my life is good. Next summer I won't be there as long anyway. My mom will be going along. I hope she doesn't impose on Tas and I. Also, I've been thinking about drugs. I promised Dar I wouldn't do any, and I also promised Kins... Kins is back in my life again. It's nice. It's nice to have his advice and company again, but I don't feel like I need it. It's a comfortable sort of friendship. I added him, and we've talked a few times since. It's nice really, he's happy, I'm happy, we share our moments and advice, it's wonderful. I doubt anyone even remembers him..or has read my journal that long =P oh well. Quote of the Day: ~“Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us”~ --Oscar Wilde

Sunday Morning Music: Nick Drake Nick is amazing. He's so calm, his lyrics are so smooth and meaningful. This amazing voice that almost whispers when it sings is flowing through my speakers. He's a perfect Sunday Morning musician. He doesn't make your mind race, nor does he make you sleepy. It's just this perfect calm music, that just sort of makes you feel content. Really, check him out. I personally recommend the album Pink Moon, or the song Pink Moon if you don't want to hear a whole album. I woke up at 8am, and took a shower. Then I brushed my teeth, took my meds, made my bed, and poured myself a nice cup of coffee. Now I'm just sitting on my bed, propped up against a wall of pillows, listening to the even flow of Nick. I opened my blinds to let all the natural sunlight pour in. Even though Sunday means school is tomorrow, and I'll soon be going through another week of school work and slow days, I like it. Sunday just feels like this easy day, where you get your chores done, or finish up that assignment. It's like a wrap-up day if that makes sense. Even when I went to Church with my grandparents, I still like Sunday. Sundays aren't crazy busy like Saturdays, their not excited like Fridays, or painfully slow like Mondays. They don't feel like a mid-point Wednesday, they don't feel like a waiting day Thursday, or a dreary day like Tuesday. They have this slow feeling that makes you just want to lie around and drink coffee. Perhaps I'm just in a good mood. =] Anyway, if you ever feel like just having a lazy day Sunday morning, listen to Nick. (I didn't realize this until now, but he even has a song called Sunday, hehe how wonderful) I wanted to talk about the Sun today, but I'm in too light of a mood to get into one of those deep thinking conversations. (conversations..with who? myself..hehe) By god, I don't think I've ever really listened to Sunday, and wow..it has no lyrics, but it perfectly describes Sundays. I love coincidences like that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfhlL4ONlbc Dar came over last night. He was suppose to hang out with Bren, but Bren never called him, so I asked if he wanted to come over. It was nice. I love after we get done messing around. Don't get me wrong, I love messing around too. But afterward, we usually just listen to music and I rest my head on his shoulder. Plus, I love the after-kisses (that's what I'm dubbing them until I think of a better name) their so soft and sweet. I'm becoming a total lush. haha. Quote of the Day: ~“Sunday is the golden clasp that binds together the volume of the week”~ --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (I'm sorry that was so long. I just feel like writing.)

This is going to be really long. It's all about Dar and myself, just warning everyone now. I was going to put it in Danish, but the translation was way off. Same with the other 5 languages I tried. So here it is, in plain English. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He came over after school on Friday. My parents were out of town for the weekend, he walked me home. We got to my house and milled around for awhile, just talking. We eventually made it to my room where we put some music on and sat down on my bed. After so long he asked if he could kiss me and I of course said yes. We kissed and made out for a while, and then went into the living space where we just talked. He had been arguing with me that he would not like green tea, so I made him some. He of course liked it, he even said he preferred it over regular tea. After that we continued to talk for awhile and eventually started kissing again. He says the most beautiful things to me, perhaps to some they are cheesy, but not to me. We are kissing and he looks into my eyes as if he has something he wants to say and I ask him if there is. He leans down and kisses me and then says in that weak whisper, "I'm saying it now." I led his hand up my shirt and we continued to make out. We went on like that for maybe 30 minutes, I had thought of leading his hand downward, but to my surprise he took the initiative and did it on his own. In the heat of the moment I proposed the idea of sex. He didn't say anything and continued to kiss me. Later I said it again, and he whispered asking if I had a condom. I went and got one, once I got back I asked him if he was ready, I asked to the point of being absurd, but I didn't want to pressure him, or for him to live in regret of not waiting. It wasn't awkward at all, there was no nervous tension or anxiety in the air. It felt like we were meant to be doing this. It felt natural and it felt right. It wasn't quick either, like we both expected. It was raw and passionate, it was sensual and lustful, it was everything you could imagine with the thought of sex and love mingling together. Afterward we lay together and kissed each others necks and shoulders. We eventually dressed, I brushed my hair out, and we got some water. We laid down on my bed again, me resting on his shoulder, I dosed off and he woke me up. He told me he had to be leaving soon, he had been at my house for almost 4hours and he had to walk to his friend's house. We had about 30 minutes to be together. We laid there and just played with each others fingers and talked in hushed whispers, exchanging "I love you's" I knew it was soon, but it felt right. My parents were gone, we had no worries, it felt like a perfect time. I asked him afterward if he was happy we did and in reply he kissed my forehead and said "Anything I do with you I am happy with" He had to go after that, we discussed him staying the night with me, but he was already obligated to go to his friend's. We went to the door and he linger around as if not wanting to leave, but knowing he had and kissed me tenderly with a final "I love you" and a smile he left. The next day my parents were still out of town but he couldn't get a ride over, until Arnol woke up. Arnol and he came over before we went to the show. We had great fun laughing and messing about. Arnol entertained us for about an hour and a half, then left Dar and myself in my room. We didn't really want to go to show, for obvious reasons, but then he says to me. "It doesn't matter, I'm happy just sitting here doing nothing with you, I can wait for all that another time" We went to the show after hunting down a ride. Once we got there Dar and I went off by ourselves like the last time. We walked around by the railroad tracks and watched two trains pass by. Then we went back to the stair case where we had been sitting when we shared our first kiss. We talked there and kissed each other a little, but not often. We soon grew tired of sitting there and walked around. We made it to a car wash where we saw a huge spider, in fear yanked his arm back. He smiled asking if I was scared. I of course, said no, and then he tickled me. He's always tickling me, come to find out he's rather ticklish too. I tickled him back and we had sort of a "tickle battle" We chased one another around, tickling each other's sides and at points we would be laughing and giggling and he would just kiss me, with that wonderful smile still on his lips. It was so much fun, just playing about beneath the street lights. Then a woman in a car got our attention and told us a van had just mauled some people at the high school (not far from where we were) so we took off for the venue. We got there and people went to check it out, once the coast was clear, we went to check it out on foot ourselves. We got there and then as we were walking back we were discussing how tired we were. We came across a very smooth asphalt lot with a willow tree next to a doctor's office. We laid down under the willow and just looked up at the stars, we weren't talking much, and I seemed to have dosed off, as usual. He woke me and asked if I had fallen asleep, in response I kissed him. We kissed for a while, and then realized the time and decided we should head back. We got there and Arnol's dad soon arrived, on the way home I kept nodding off and at one point in time Dar scooched over next to me and rest my head upon his shoulder. We got to my house, and I sleepily went in. Jeg beder til dette aldrig ender. Jeg er så glad.

For some reason I'm feel anxious all of the sudden. All day I felt anxious and just off beat. I even meditated three times. I hung out with Dar, Bren, and Arnol, but had to return home after like 45mins because my mom was freaking out. Maybe it was just driving with a teenage male at the wheel, but I couldn't seem to stop my nervous habits from kicking in. Dar noticed and tried to make me stop. Which was kind of nice, I guess. Not because I'm like dying for him to notice weird things about me, but because he wanted me to just be calm. He knows how anxious I am and how I'm trying my hardest to calm my ways. I'm suppose to learn how to skateboard, not like hardcore skating..but being able to like move and stop and go fast. Hah, I'm scared to even get on a skateboard. I purposely wear flip-flops to the shows so Dar nor Bren can teach me. I told Dar if ever I come to his home, he can teach me. The deal was he'd have to read Alice in Wonderland, but I decided not to make him, he hates reading, so yeah. Anyway, I'm anxious all the sudden. Yet at the same time I'm so incredibly tired. Right now, I could go lay down and probably pass out. But as soon as I need to go to sleep I'll be wide awake. I also keep waking up 3:14am. Which is really starting to annoy me. The exact time every night my body feels the need to wake itself. Once I wake I feel energized and like I'm ready to start my day. I don't know. I guess I'm just a little disappointed. I thought meditating and stuff would make me like, calm and chill, and solve my restless sleeps. I mean, I'm not giving up on meditation, but it's a little disheartening. Plus, the last time I went to Ali's (4 days ago, I think) she kept pointing out like how I'm slightly OCD (which I'm not, at all.) and how I look tense and nervous all the time. Which I thought I had worked on and improved. There's a whole list in my mind of things I need to do, I'm taking them one step at a time. I kind of want to write the list out, but part of me feels like writing it out would give into my temptations and make me feel low every time I read over it. Does that even make sense? haha.. I painted today. Well, I started a painting. It's going to be of a portion of a tree, like the top left side of it. It will be an autumn tree. So far I have to background (which is just blue) and the tree's branches. I bought a new shade of blue today. So if and when I put it on canvas I can use a brighter shade. I'm taking a walk with my mom at 9 (its 8:39) but I really just feel like laying on my bed and passing out. I think I might lay down, just a few minutes though. Quote of the Day: ~"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."~ --Oscar Wilde

I think one of the things that scares me about death is forever. I just read a friend's journal and he spoke of forever. Not in the light I'm thinking, but just forever. Infinity... I mean, I want heaven and fun and happy times and all...but heaven would just be like an extremely wonderful version of life..forever. There's no end. I fear ends too. I don't know, my thoughts are a tangled webbed of questions right now. I wish I had faith in something. Truly, I do. Spending so much time with my grandparents and at church made me want to believe, but I just..I don't know I simply can't.. It's just, I don't know what it is. It's absurd, that's what it is. All of it is. This is getting negative. I don't think I've really clarified this, but I've been dating Dar. It was weird at first, and I didn't know what to do with myself really. But now everything is..it's wonderful, it's beautiful. It feels right, it feels great, like a movie. As silly as this sounds..I can't bear to put the next bit in English, so I'm going to type in Danish, sorry. I går aftes, vi delte vores første kys. Hans første kys alle sammen. Det var forbløffende, ikke på grund af den handling, men kun på grund af ham. Af at være sammen med ham. Jeg har ingen reelle måde at beskrive, min tørre ord er til nogen nytte. Vi var at kysse og han slæber afsted med sin hånd let rører min nederste læbe og siger, "jeg har ventet så længe på denne" og jeg indså bare hvor længe han har ventet, og hvor lang tid jeg har. Ja, jeg har længtes for ham, så meget som jeg ikke ønsker at indrømme. Vi har været igennem flirte faser og forelskelse, han er min bedste ven .. men så meget mere på samme tid. Jeg har kendt ham i tre år, har vi ønsket hinanden i mindst to. I hvert fald havde vi fået at kysse og jeg havde mit hoved hviler på hans skulder med hans arme omkring mig og han siger til mig i en svag hvisken, "jeg fortalte dig, at jeg elskede dig så, og jeg mente det, jeg gør nu alt for" Han havde fortalt mig mere end et år siden, han elskede mig. Det var forbløffende. Det følte vidunderligt. Denne eftermiddag havde jeg været fortæller en ven, hvordan jeg mente om ham, og hvordan det følte næsten for hurtigt men det var frygtelig svært at skjule. Alt var fantastisk i går aftes. Jeg interesserer os for ham så meget. Jeg elsker at se ham lykkelig, og jeg elsker at gøre ham glad. Og ikke kun fordi jeg ønsker hans kærlighed, men fordi han fortjener at være lykkelig, og det gør mig godt, når han er. Og det faktum, at jeg gør ham lykkelig drev mig vanvittigt. Jeg ved ikke, hvordan flere til at beskrive dette. Jeg ved, du vil sige dette er blot teenage-kærlighed, og ærligt jeg ikke pleje. Jeg ved, det er ikke forelskelse teenagealderen bullshit. Jeg vil gøre noget for denne dreng, og jeg vil give mit liv for at sikre, at han var sikker og glad. Ja, det lyder kliché. Ja, det lyder fjollet. Og ved du hvad? Jeg er ligeglad! Lad det. Fordi jeg er virkelig tilfreds, og jeg ved, at dette er reel. Jeg har læst en vens dagbog, og ofte er han taler om kærlighed. Før, når jeg læser det jeg fattet, hvad han sagde, men ikke hvad han egentlig mente. Nu vil jeg gøre. Jeg ville ønske, jeg kunne udtrykke mine følelser om kærlighed som han gør, men jeg kan ikke. Og virkelig, at spørgsmål ikke, fordi der i mindst Jeg forstår og ved, hvad han mener. http://translate.google.com/translate_t?sl=da&tl=en Use that for proper translation. I'm sorry that was so long. Quote of the Day: ~“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”~ --Dr. Seuss

I'm trying to go about things with a very happy-go-lucky attitutde. I've refrained from listening to depressing music or thinking depressing thoughts. I've been meditating in the afternoons. I do what I think will make me happy, in the moment, and in the future. Trying to find that balance between the rat racers and the hedonists. If I don't want to answer someone's call who will end up bringing me down, I don't. However, I don't go about doing only things I like, I do some things I don't particularly care for because I know I should. Meditating is helping a lot. It's really calming. I really suggest it for anyone who is stressed or gets easily stressed/anxious like I tend to do. I'm doing things at my own pace. I guess really, I'm just moving towards what works for me. Awhile back someone told me to move towards what makes me happy. To move towards happiness. That's exactly what I'm trying to do. Move towards Happiness, and right now, it seems to be working. I know things won't always feel this way, and I will indeed have my bad days, and my bad times, but I'll work through them. I'm a much stronger person that what I used to be. I trust in myself to be able to work passed what is thrown at me. School starts up in a couple weeks. I'm kind of looking forward to it. I have two classes with Dar, so that's nice. One of them is informal algebra II which isn't really a good thing. We decided it would be best to talk to each other as little as possible in that class. (we're both bad at math) The other one is history though, so that will be fun. I didn't get to take Painting and Print Making, turns out it's a 2nd semester class only, and I know I'm taking ceramics I. I could give up my study hall, but I'm not sure. If school proves to be easier this year, and I'm able to keep more on ball, I might take it. I wish I could just opt out of gym, it's such a pointless class. Oh well, I'm not going to dwell on it. Someone shared a Bob Dylan album with me. I love it! I've always wanted to get into Dylan, but was never sure what I should listen to first and put it off. Quote of the Day: ~"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."~ -Dr. Seuss (I just watched The Lorax, my favorite Dr. Seuss tale)

I'm home now. I miss it there already, but I'm looking on the sunny side. What more can I do? I'm working on being happy, yet every atom in my body wants to cry and pretend I'm still in Arkansas. Everything will work itself out though. I'll return. My mother is thinking of surprising my sister in Feb. with a visit. That will be really nice if it goes through. Leaving was very hard. I would like to sit here and say I was a total hard ass and didn't tear up once, but I did. I teared up when leaving The Group. We had gone night swimming. As I walked away Rus said 'learn from this' I turned to him and said I already had he said 'really?' I replied, 'You have no idea.' Fre gave me the picture, it's really neat. I'll hang it up once I finish redecorating my room. (my mother did it like 3/4 of the way) Fre, Amy, nameless boy, and myself were out kind of far when my sister yelled for me to leave. I gave Fre a hug and thanked them, I would have hugged amy but really didn't want to tear up in front of them. I went to shore, gave Rus and Gar hugs, Lil wasn't around, I never said goodbye to her. I'll miss those crazy kids. I really did enjoy the time I spent there. I teared up in the car, but choked it down. Once at my sister's house I teared up, we were watching donnie darko..haha... TJ took off work early to come see me before I left. I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. I looked in to his eyes and I saw they were blood shot and he himself had tears swelled up. I really couldn't believe it. My sister and I cried of course, she told me to be strong and never let anyone tell me otherwise, I'm not sure why she said that. I told her I'd be back and TJ in a choked voice smiled and said, ''she has to come back, she owes me another necklace'' Even if I were to never see any of The House again, I never will forget them, or forget what I've learned. They've made a sort of difference in my life, something I couldn't really convey in words. The closest thing to my feelings I can say is they make me feel like it's okay to be the person I am. Not only is it okay, it's awesome. I've never felt such a sense of belonging. Words seem so dry compared to how I feel. Arnol came over with my mom to meet me. That was nice..he made the ride home go by more quickly. I secretly saw my father. (secret as in my mother doesn't know) It was great. We reminisced and he gave me a pocket knife for protection. He wouldn't give me a butterfly knife though, I'll get one eventually. We were walking from my uncle's house (two houses down from his own) and I was saying how I remember racing him between the light poles. he asked if I wanted to race and I said ''no...not really' he said 'ah, come on' i got a few paces ahead of him and said 'okay!' and took off. That's a defiantly one of those memories I will keep on file. I'm listening to Brand New. I hadn't heard them all summer until Fre came home (to The House) one night with burnt cds and had them on it.. I'll be back though, I know it. Quote of the Day: ~"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."~ --Dr. Seuss my cat is mad at me.

I really really really don't want to leave eight more days of paradise...let's make it last, okay kiddo?

7/19 Life seems to be making sense now. Last night was amazing. If I thought I was going to miss it here before, I was mistaken. I'm going to miss it here so terribly. I don't ever want this summer to end. Last night everyone except me in The House (Rus's house) rolled. We all went out to this clearing in the woods. There's a trail that leads out there. It was about 2am when we went out there. I talked mainly to my sister and Fre. Fre is really cool, I think I relate most to him out of everyone in The Group. I got a really nice body high. A few days before last night Fre was talking to me and he was saying that since everyone would be rolling I might get a body high. I was kind of skeptical about it, but it was pretty neat. Anyway, Fre and my sister would keep swaying and then I'd find myself swaying with them. Fre and I talked about chi for a while, we talked about a lot of things though. I spotted the virgo contellation in the sky. There were nine of us out there that night. I wish I could describe how it felt out there, but I really can't. Fre, my sister, and I walked back to The House at about 5:30. My sister and I decided to leave, we then drove around teh countryside for about an hour and just talked. Dawn came and everyhting was lit up, it was a bit foggy in the distance, but so beautiful. I was telling my sister how I was feeling and I couldn't put a word on it. Then it dawned on me, I was happy. This happiness isn't a sort of synthetic, excited happiness. I'm not infatuated or amped up about something. I'm content, it's more than just being content though. I don't know how to explain it really, but it's an amazing feeling. I love it at The House and with The Group. I feel like I belong. Most, if not all of them, come from broken homes, we can all relate to one another. They all have such different personalities, yet they come together so easily. I'm truly going to miss these people. I think I'm going to try and come back for christmas break. Rus was talking to me and he said ' you know kathlynn, I'm really going to miss you. You've been a sort of staple in our group.' I asked him how, and he said I was quiet, but I somehow brought everythign together. It was a nice feeling. Then he proposed the idea I come down for christmas. He said they'd be having a big christmas this year. Fre asked if I'd be around for his bday, but I won't. I think one of the reasons I don't want to leave is that I don't want to come back and everything be different. I just want now to last forever. It's really nice that I've found somewhere I feel at home. I have something/somewhere to look forward to. I do miss home, but home doesn't give me the feeling I get here. When I'm here I don't feel such a need to overthing everything. I still do, but not to such an extent. I don't have to worry so much here, there's no need for it. I was thinking about home yesterday and part of me said 'I don't want to think about home' and another side felt bad, thinking I was being selfish. But I realized being selfish is something I need to learn how to be. Not in a rude slef centered way, but in a way that I worry about myself for once, and not everything/everyone else. I have so much to say about this, but it would become redundant. As I've gotten to know everyone in The House I can relate to all of them more, and I grow more fond of everyone each time I see them. This is one of those times I will look back on in the future, and long to come back here, to this exact moment. Quote of the Day: ~“When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”~ --Lao Tzu