I finally got the book I've been waiting to arrive. It's not the book I wanted, but it's a book of poems by Bukowski, I can't complain. The book is: The People Look Like Flowers at Last; new poems. Today people kept asking what it was about, I'd say a lot of things. It was a book of poems. Then they'd read the title and assume it was some girlie book. If they knew the poem that title was derived from, they might not think so. Let me show you a few lines. [a girl had just told him to love her, and left. the streets are flooded with people singing about love] but after she leaves I feel odd I lock the door go to the desk and take the pistol from the drawer. it has it's own sense of love. LOVE!LOVE!LOVE! the crowd sings in the streets. I fire through the window glass cutting my face and arms. I get a 12-year-old boy an old man with a beard and a lovely young girl something like a lilac [theres more, that will do for now] Later he kills the girl that told him to love her, and the frog she brings home. Real girlie. haha. I borrowed a book from a friend, it was okay. I finished it in a day. I haven't given it back, it took her a week to finish it, I don't want to come off as a jackass. I'm letting her borrow Alice in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass. I'm a bit scared she'll make a massacre out of simple meanings, she's one of those people who will read something on the internet and automatically start believing it instead of forming her own opinions. At the same time, she claims she's 100% originality... oh yeah. People call her a hippie, but fuck, she brings it on herself. She buys shirts that say 'hippie' and such on them. She says it bothers her that they call her that, but I know it's for attention. I really dislike her sometimes, but she's okay. This is Ali by the way. So, today was one of those days when I just kind of float through, pretending like none of this is happening. That's what I've come to love about routine, it becomes second nature, so there is no need to think. You just do it. I wish I could tell you all that I feel so much better now. That I had some sort of epiphany and feel like my old self again, but I can't. Because I don't, and there's no use in lying to a bunch of strangers. I was trying to read some more a little while ago. I think with poetry you have to be in the mood to read it. Earlier Bukowski's harsh words and mean undertones sounded like butterflies and rainbows to me. I think I'll read before I go to sleep. That seems to put me in a relaxing mood. A friend read this journal yesterday, she told me she was always there for me to vent to. Even if it be via email. She said she knew exactly how I felt, and that she could tell I was an intelligent person. She has no idea how much that meant to me. That's all for now. Quote of the Day: ~"Don't try"~ -written on Bukowski's tombstone.

I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind when I clicked on 'add entry.' Now I really don't know where to start or how to even say what I was thinking. Which is kind of how it always is. A friend tried to get me to open up to him, to tell him my problems and all that bothers me. I just told him a little. About as much as I put in this journal. It was an awkward stop-stalling conversation, I didn't know how to say how I felt. I didn't know where to stop, or end, or pause, I didn't know anything. I ended up just feeling worse. Last night I tried telling someone something, well, I was seeking advice more than anything. They didn't understand at all. I gave up. It was funny though because they didn't say 'please tell me, I'm worried about you' it was more like 'please tell me, I feel like a bad friend' Because it's always about how you feel, right? When I sit here and listen to all your damn problems, give you as much advice as I can, knowing you will throw it all to the wind. I don't do it because it makes me feel like a 'good friend' I do it because I want people to feel better, I want others to be happy. Is it so hard to return that favor? Just once? This has nothing to do with what I meant to write in here.. My mother asked me again today if I need to be put on anti-depressants. She said it in a jokingly manner, but that's just how she deals with uncomfortable things. I know she's just trying to help, but it just makes me feel worse. She tries to comfort me, but I just want left alone. I think people are sometimes too focused on finding the 'one.' That person that will supposedly make them complete, instead they forget about life. They ignore all the beauty around them, and when they don't find that 'one' as quickly as they hoped to, they become depressed and upset. If people would stop being so obsessed with finding a whole other person to complete them, and just complete themselves life would be a lot happier. The 'one' shouldn't complete you, they should compliment you. I guess I don't really make sense anymore. Finding the 'one' has nothing to do with how I feel now, it's just a random thought that was lingering in my mind and happened to pour itself out of my fingers, onto these sorry keys. Sorry readers. Have I always been this down? Was I just able to ignore more easily before? What's wrong with me? I keep telling myself this is just some teenage angst and will be gone by tomorrow. And every morning I wake up feeling no better than the night before. This is useless. Quote of the Day: ~"Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain."~ --Mark Twain

Please humanity, stop giving me signs to give up on you, and instead give me something to believe in. To see something someone said, and think to myself 'wow, they have __.' [insert, wit, intellect, compassion, etc] Instead I am littered by statements that have little substance. People trying to be witty, trying to cut others down, while simultaneously making fools of themselves. [yes, something sparked this thought] Example. [these are comments from a cover of modest mouse that I really enjoy] *Person 1* (1 week ago) Show Hide bukowski clearly said "dont try" Why would you instult him like that!??!? *person 2* (1 week ago) Show Hide Try putting your l's in the right place sometime. It's fun. For real. Person 1 was rude in the first place, but person 2 made a fool of himself by telling him to use l's correctly, when Person 1 had actually messed up the t... I'm sorry for such a weak example, but I'm not going to type out conversations I've had with people lately. Not only would that take too long, but they wouldn't be the original context, thus ridding itself of the moment. I gave up on even speaking today. I'm not an extremely talkative person anyways, but today I just cut it out altogether. I kept getting the 'what's wrong?'s and the 'your awfully quiet's. These statements were coming from the people that usually pour shit out of their mouths instead of actual words. I counted how many times Ali complained to me, and also how many times she initiated conversation with a complaint. Total complaints: 38 Initiations: 9 I have 4 classes with her not counting lunch. I think those numbers speak for themselves. There are so many people like that. It's not even the complaining, it's the way they complain. It's not like they are seeking advice, or merely venting. They are whining. Especially with Ali, I mean, she has a pretty great life. Her mom is a bitch, but apart from that she is spoiled rotten by her 'daddy'[yes, she seriously still calls her father daddy...is that weird to anyone else?] Today she was complaining that she didn't get an A on a paper because she forgot her name. [it was an essay we had to do in world history] I was angry with my grade as well, but I didn't sit there and bitch about it. Forgetting her name was her own fault, that's the first thing your suppose to do, we've been told that since 1st grade. For my paper I got marked down 7 for bad handwriting. Which put me one point away from an A. It's not that I care about making straight A's because I don't. It's that I put a lot of thought into that paper, and I really honestly tried. Which I rarely do in most classes. I told mrs. p I needed to type it, that I'd write out my rough draft and then type it so she would know I didn't c/p. She refused, I told her she wouldn't be able to read it, I knew she wouldn't. She told me to write neater. So I wrote as neat as possible. It's my fault my sister got my mom's handwriting and I got my father's? sorry. At first I figured that was just her main criticism, which was fine as long as I fucked something else up. So I asked, 'is this all that was wrong, was anything irrelevant?' she said something like, 'no, it was all relevant, I just couldn't read it.' It was only out of 75 so getting marked down 7 points dropped me a bit. I guess I was mostly angry because I got dropped a whole letter grade for bad penmanship, it's not like I can just change my writing, if I could I would. [I apologize for the venting] So I'm sitting there with a lower grade then what I deserve because my handwriting is shit, and Ali is complaining she didn't get her precious A because she forgot her name. It was her own fault. Get over it. Maybe I just let people get to me, I don't know. It just seems like the more I try to ignore people complaining the more they do it. Someone actually complained for me today. yeah.. It was in world history, they looked at my paper, and starting voicing how unjust it was. They hadn't read the paper, they just looked at what she wrote. Because I don't speak or bitch constantly like you do, does not under any circumstance mean you need to do it for me. [you: not the reader | you: the moron in my w/h class] I hope this all lightens up soon. [I apologize for all my pessimistic entries lately. Then again, I'm sure there is someone out there who is just giddy reading this, because this a sort of drama, a personal drama so to say, and people seem to love that.] Quote of the Day: ~"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."~ --Albert Einstein

Mediocre People Mediocre People Mediocre People Mediocre People Mediocre People Mediocre People Mediocre People Mediocre People Mediocre People Mediocre People Mediocre People Mediocre People [someone shoot me?] [please.]

I want it to be warm out. Good god I'm sick of all this rain. It rained pretty much all break. I want to be able to go outside without getting drenched, or having my hands feel like they are about to fall off they're so cold. I never really have a whole lot to say on here anymore. I really really want to go swimming. I love swimming, even though it sucks in a way because I have really fair skin so I'm easily sun burned. I just want to be outside, I miss being outside so much. Even though I really don't care for fishing, I like to tag along because the fishing place my friend goes to is way out in the middle of nowhere. We have a secret pond. (you can't really see/find it unless you know where it is) It's so nice and quiet out there. I love it. Even though I would never swim there, because eek, that's kind of scary. It's still nice to just walk around out there. We were going to go last weekend because it was nice all afternoon, then it just starts pouring down rain. So, I've been reading about cults a lot. Yeah, I go from serial killers to cults..haha. Oh well, anyways. I've been reading about Jonestown, I really want to check out the book about it. Looking at the pictures of the bodies is so eerie, but at the same time so fascinating. Just imagine being there. Or better yet, being one of the people that left and were on the plane with senator Ryan (I think he was sen.) You think you are set free, that you will no longer be tortured and commanded. Then bam! Peoples Temple members come (people you used to know and live with!) and shoot your plane down, killing the man that could have just saved your life. Then back at camp, kids are being forced to drink cyanide, and anyone that refuses gets beat, if you try to run into the jungle, you're shot. There's like 5 surviving members, one of them lied down in a ditch pretending to be dead. You'd think more people would do that. I mean out of 909 people, who would notice if you were still breathing. If you were smart enough you'd hardly breath. The sheer number of it is what's so amazing. The fact that they didn't revolt. I mean, there were a few who did, but they were either beaten or pressured by the crowd. This is just another way religion is a form of mind control. I'm not bashing religious people or anyhting, I'm just saying, religion is the easiest way to control people. Quote of the Day: ~"As a rule, men worry more about what they can't see than about what they can."~ ---Julius Caesar (I had no intentions of writing about cults..hahah. I don't know how my thoughts turned onto that.)

I'm so out of it tonight. I had an extremely difficult conversation with an old friend lat night. He was able to pinpoint a major problem in my life without me saying a word. I was so shocked, I nearly admitted to everything that's happened, everything I keep locked inside. As he became angry with the situation, (it wasn't at me, it was at someone else that does something. I'm leaving it at that, you can make whatever connections you wish) I began lying. I just wanted him to oblivious. Ignorance is bliss, this is something he needs to be ignorant about. Anyways, I lied to him, he finally believed me. He wants to meet up this weekend. I know I'm going to get questioned a lot. I know I'm going to breakdown, I'm fearful of telling him everything. I'm fearful of having so much trust in one person. I almost want to blow him off, but i can't. I'm so apprehensive, I'm shakey, I can hardly type, I can't think straight, I'm spacing out, I'm scared.. I wish I could explain this all right now, to all you strangers. I wish I could, but I just can't.

Lately everyone has been unloading their drama onto me. Not in a rude way, more like seeking my help. Someone I was close with a long while ago confessed his 'love' for me. What the hell? No. He doesn't love me, he doesn't know what love is. We argued about it last night until about 3am. He's now blocked from everything....again. Before he was blocked because he was just a jackass. Now I just don't want to deal with his attention seeking bullshit. On to other things. Another close friend has been really depressed lately. I've been there for him as much as I can, but I can only give so much help. I'm not a professional. He's finally agreed to see someone. I really hope he does, and doesn't just lie to me. He was hesitant at first because of what friends would thing. But if a friend's opinion changed because you are in therapy then they were never friends at all. There have been others that I give advice to, and act as a vent for. Which I love, you know, I love helping them out. I've just lost myself in all of this. I feel so worn out from it all. I looked up Arnol (the one who moved without a goodbye.) on myspace. I added him to msn, after affirming I was Kat about three times. I'm happy to have him back in my life, but part of me feels really hesitant. I'm not sure why. Before he left he was one of my closest friends. He looks good though, like he's lost a bit of weight. I hope he's happy. I painted today, it was more like a tester. I was just messing with some ideas. I feel like there's a lot of weight on my shoulders. To help all these kids out. I want to help them more than anything, I want to dedicate my life/career to helping people. However, right now I'm wondering, 'am I strong enough to take on other's problems? do I have any room to give them advice when I'm fucked up myself?" I've wanted to be a psychiatrist since 4-5th grade. So what? 4-5 years now this is what I've wanted to do with my life. I'm so scared I'm going to go through all that schooling and find out it's not my calling after all. I want to just go get lost in the woods. Just escape all of this. All of these people, all of these problems. All of my problems. All of these thoughts. There have been a lot of things on my own minds to be honest. A lot of things that make no sense to me. A lot of feelings that I shouldn't be feeling at all. I thought I really wanted something, and now it could possibly be happening, and I'm second guessing everything. I wish I could just be certain on one thing in my life, just one thing. That's all I ask. I want to help people so badly...but is it me who needs help? I act so calm and cool on the outside, but inside I'm this nervous mess. I've given up on so many things in life already, why not just add this? It's just a career, I could do something that's much more easy. Less schooling, less money to pay. Less debt to be in. I'm not even sure anymore. Sometimes I think I take on all these people's problems to divert my attention from my own. I bottle so much shit up. I tell one person one secret, another person another one, but I never tell anyone the complete story. I just don't think they'd want to listen. Or even care. They wouldn't have any advice for me. Like most people, they'd just turn the conversation back to themselves. Forgive me for being so pessimistic lately, I've been really down about the human race as a whole. There's maybe (maybe) 4 people I really enjoy talking to lately. That seems so sad to me. A lot of nights I block all the kids who annoy me on my list, there's usually on three left, our of like 15-17 people. Damn..I need to lighten up. Go listen to Driver Side Impact-The Reason We Sleep The way he yells WE'VE FOUND A CURE! is grand. It's like a raspy yell. I love it. Quote of the Day: ~"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."~ --Mahatma Gandhi

To Jacklyn: (sorry other readers) Okay, good. haha. Mine is set as blue too, haha. I used to always have it as the red one. And hey, If memory serves last time I told you to add me via msn you said you had aim. Well, my aim is mimsywasi@aim.com if you want to add me. Same goes for anyone else who wants to add me. Sorry again to anyone who reads this. ~no quote~

Agh, Jacklyn. Your journal is private. =[ You're one of the only ones I keep up with.

So much for my runs, I've enjoyed running the past two days [I think?..maybe three?] It's snowing. Not like a light snow, it's coming down in sheets. Gr. For Easter I got a picture frame [for my cats..haha.], Hershey's bar, Reese's, haiku perfume, lotion, shower gel (all haiku scented), and a candle. It all came in this neat basket. [I collect baskets and boxes..only neat ones though. I have an awesome box for nail polishes, it looks like it's from the seventies.] Well, I enjoyed my running while it lasted. I guess I'll just have to continue waiting for it to warm up. I really hate when people don't have table manners. If they're kidding around it's okay, but if they are just disgusting it really bothers me. I was invited to a friend's house to eat easter dinner [lunch really.] and pretty much their whole family chewed with their mouths open. They chomped and slurped their food. It was awful. Maybe I'm just too proper..I don't know. The other day I went to lunch with Ali, she kept saying how I was so ladylike and proper. How my table manners were immaculate. I don't really think they are. I'm just not a slob. Hm, pet peeves.. "gry. ru yd. EafS Edit: That said Quote of the Day: and fuck firefox It switches my keys around.. Actual Quote of the Day: ~Every positive value has its price in negative terms... the genius of Einstein leads to Hiroshima."~ --Pablo Picasso ugjt ucp.urqv