Today after school I was sitting in my room and I was just listening to this really pretty piano and thinking about getting a typewriter. Then for some reason it just popped into my mind how beautiful the world truly is. No matter how much I complain about humanity and things I don't like, it is beautiful. And I just started crying, crying hard. Tears dripped into my glasses so I took them off. It wasn't a sad painful cry where my eyes sting and I feel over heated. It was just a cool (as in temperature) cry, I cried hard but I didn't sob. I don't really know how to explain this, but I was just thinking about all these things, like Autumn and music and Charlie and my life and where my life is and who I am and who everyone else is, and I just couldn't hold back the tears. That doesn't quite explain it properly, but it will due. I don't know if maybe I was just being emotional, but it felt real to me. It was like for a few minutes I realized all this beauty around me and it was just too much to take it. It was overwhelming. I finally calmed down a little and walked to the bathroom for some tissue to wipe off my face. I caught my reflection in the mirror and for some reason I looked really..old..not like old and shriveled, just older...I don't know if it was the zigzags of mascara smeared on my face or my bloodshot eyes, but I looked older. Then I thought about how I was getting older and sooner than I know I will be out of high school and it frightens me. Like I'm being carried away and I'm trying to claw the wall to escape, but I just can't get a good enough grip to hold on to. Today in class I thought about the house I grew up in and how there is another girl (a little younger than myself) living in that house, in my house, in my room, and she gets to grow up next to my childhood friend. And this sense of anger and jealousy swept over me. I also thought about how all this will be a memory someday, and people I know, and maybe even children I have will here about them. It makes me feel so very odd. It makes me feel almost nostalgic, but not for the past, for the now. Which is a very odd sense. (I'm not sure if there is a proper word for this feeling or not) It just all seems really surreal to me, that someday we will all be older and go our separate ways. It's just so odd... I want to make Dar a mixed cd, but I'm not sure if he will really like it, and it seems kind of cheesy to me, but I think that's just my excuse for not making it. I think I might ask him about it. Then again, I might not. Anyway, I should be going. Take care everyone and don't forget to enjoy the now while it still is. Also, don't forget how beautiful everything and how beautiful you are even if you don't think it, because you are. Quote of the Day: ~“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.”~ --William Allen White

I should have given The Perks of Being a Wallflower back when I was finished with it, but I just can't let it go. I just love it. I used to really like the smiths. Death Cab (early early Death Cab) did a cover of This Charming Man, and it's been stuck in my head for a few days now. I listened to Asleep and it's beautiful, and I know what Sam looks like now. So...I d/l-ed 8 albums, and I plan to buy one (which is rare for me) I'm just not sure which yet. I'm sorry I can't let you go Charlie, I just want to hide out in your world, is there room? I won't make a fuss, promise, I just want to watch and listen and understand. I always draw on my chem papers. Mr. A (who is amazing and his class feels like a movie, which I'll describe later) comments on them. I made a drawing of flowers and drew and arrow saying they were wallflowers and were the most beautiful of all. Then on the back I wrote on the top "I'm pretty sure I'm a wallflower' then drew an arrow to the bottom and wrote 'and I couldn't be more proud' He hasn't given me the paper back though, and I'm not sure why... A girl from school is texting me, and it's so awkward talking to other girls. I wish it wasn't that way. Dar wears shirts that are a little too big for him (not in like a gangster way ,he's kind of scene, but in much less of a trendy way) I wish he wouldn't. Not that he doesn't look great, it's just he has such a nice body and I don't think he even realizes it. I'm reading The Perks again. I'm half way through, once I get some money again (I just bought my costume, so I'm broke) I'm going to buy it. The hard cover too, and I'll never let it alone, I'll love it even when I'm old. I want to share the book with someone, but they won't understand, I just know it. I wish they would, but they won't. I thought I had more to write, but I'm going to stop. Also, I have a 4 day weekend, I don't know what I'm going to do. Dar can't go anywhere, but his mom invited me over on Sat. I hope she changes her mind for at least Sunday.. Quote of the Day: ~“A happy life must be to a great extent a quiet life, for it is only in an atmosphere of quiet that true joy dare live”~ --Bertrand Russell (I don't know who that is, but I like his quote) PS-ash- I wish I had a nickname for you, I adore the one you gave me.

This is going to be about Dar, so I'm just warning you all. Dar and I walked home on Friday and as we passed this lady on a bike talking to this man in his yard she turns to us just as we are passing and says, 'You two make a great couple," and didn't even smile or anything. She just looked us dead in the eyes as we passed by and we were both kind of speechless. I found my voice and said thanks. It was weird because it was just so random. I hadn't ever even seen the lady before in my life, and we hadn't really been talking or anything as we passed we were just holding hands and kind of taking in the autumn air. We kind of laughed about it later, but not in like a mean way. More like we were laughing because we didn't know how else to go about what she said. We got to my house and talked to my mom for a bit and then just kind of hung out in my room. A week or so ago we had this big discussion about being little and eating lunchables and how they were the best thing ever. So when I was at the store I bought two lunchables for us. We had a chicken taco one and a hamburger one. We halved them, and also had some pizza. We sat there eating lunchables in my living space watching the Cash Cab. Then we had some Ben & Jerry's ice cream. It was so fun, because we weren't worried about anything and we weren't trying to act our age, we were just doing what we wanted. After we ate we laughed about eating lunchables and sprawled out on the couch and watched Cash Cab some more. Then I think we just kind of hung out in my room, but I don't quite remember. Saturday he came over again (as I said in my last entry) When he got here we went to my room and conversed a litte. Then we tried to watch the movie The Science of Sleep but it's so random it's hard to pay attention. It's one of those movies that really satisfies your eyes but not so much your mind. Then we had a tickle fight, and he cheated ;] actually, he didn't, but I lost so he cheated. We were only half way through the movie and decided to just stop it. We fooled around after that and tried something new, but I'm not going to go into detail on that because it feels kind of rude to me. After that we went on a walk and he skated, I ended up not wanting to skate (my knee has been hurting really badly lately) so I took pictures of him skating. After he was done we went up to the old schools, which is one of my favorite places to go, and sat on the fire escape. I took pictures of him up there, and then he went below the fire escape and I went higher up on it and we played catch with my camera case. Then I got kind of scared from being so high up and climbed down very slowly. Right next to the escape is this decent sized tree and it kind of shadows it (half way up the escape you can just pull branches off it it's so close) so we sat at the bottom of it, took some photos of each other and just talked. It was kind of chilly and there were a lot of bugs out, and as much as we didn't want to go back we eventually started walking home. After we got home we helped my stepfather clean up (he was home for the weekend) and then he left and we went back in the house. We fooled around some more and then just kind of laid around. After awhile we made some of my awesome homemade brownies (he didn't believe they were really from scratch) and then decided to make chicken Parmesan for supper. My parents were eating across the street at the neighbor's cookout. As we waited for the chicken to cook we went in the living space and watch the food channel (since we were hungry) We ate our meal, which turned out really well and had some brownies. Then we watched Frailty, which is about murder by God's hand. It was really good. After it was over we just laid together and pretended like we were sleeping over. He was laying on his back and I was on my side I was caressing his cheek and slowly he started to nod off, which is this first time he's ever done that. Laying there in the dark with him felt so safe and wonderful. It felt small too, because I thought of all the things out in the world I could be doing and all I wanted to do was lay there. Eventually my mom said it was time for him to go home, which it was but I wish it hadn't been. He can't come over next weekened because he's gone so much. Which I think is kind of silly, he's only ever gone on Friday and Saturday. We never hang out on Sunday, and he doesn't go anywhere throughout the week. Oh well I guess. We hung out on Thursday too, I didn't mention that before. We went to the record store and the owner talked to me and him. He ordered like..8 records and I bought some incense. Ric, the owner of the record store, talked to me about Dar. He asked if I was keeping him out of trouble and winked at me, and then we talked about school and stuff. Dar doesn't think anyone in the record store really knows his name, but Ric said it to me and I told him that and I could tell it made him feel nice even though he'd never say that. Well, that's all for now, I know that was really long, I just wanted to save those days. Quote of the Day: ~“Happiness consists not in having much, but in being content with little.”~ --Marguerite Gardiner

It's Saturday, but I feel like writing. I wrote all this stuff down in English class, but now I don't feel like typing it all up. So, maybe I'll do that tomorrow. On Thursday I wore the navy sweater to school. I wasn't sure if Dar would really like it or not, but he did. He said I looked really nice, and then he said something like how I always look nice but on that particular day I looked really vibrant. It made me feel really nice, and lately I've noticed more when he calls me beautiful and makes my stomach flip, and not just because he makes me feel good, but because for the first time in a very long time I am really starting to feel beautiful. He also says that it's really nice that I don't have to wear showy shirts and look like a slut in order to look nice. That made me feel really nice, because I never really expected he would say that. He's coming over in a bit and he's going to teach me to skate some more, and we're going to watch some movies. It will be nice. I finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower in two days. It's wonderful, really. Two separate people I know told me I was a lot like Charlie, and come to find out, they are right. Many of his letters are almost exactly like some of my entries. I finished the book when Dar was over last night (he was looking at band stuff on my laptop) and when I did I told him it was amazing and he asked what it was about and how it ended, so I told him. His reaction kind of surprised me, he said the book sounded really sad. Which I guess in the end, it really was, but it was sad in an optimistic way. The book kind of arose a few question in myself. I'm kind of wondering if I'm 'participating' in life. Part of me says I'm not. Yet, at the same time, it depends on what you consider participating. I think perhaps Bill wants Charlie to do normal things, like dances and such, but to Charlie those things aren't normal. Which, I guess to me, it's the same. So in the end I have no answer, just a question that has no answer. That's how a lot of things are. I flipped out on my English class yesterday, and before that on this kid in my Chem class. I also got to listen to this dumb bitch complain about Obama being a 'towel head' and listened to her being racist in an indirect way. It's funny, because she started reading a bible afterward, and Obama is a Christian..haha. Also, she draws in her bible, how disrespectful. haha.l I hate people. Oh, she also didn't give any reasoning whatsoever as to why McCain should be prez, which just added to her stupidity. So basically, I kept snapping on people yesterday. I snapped on Jon (the kid in chem) because he wouldn't shut the fuck up and kept arguing with Ali about music. (which of course she had to argue back) So I leaned forward looked him in the eyes and said something like 'No more, No more talking, No more questions, No more music, No more arguing, shut the hell up, go it?' He just kind of looked at me and Ali started laughing so I shot her a look, because she was part of the problem too. Then, in English we had the write on these big pieces of paper and Mic brought over an extra on accident and threw to my group (Ali and me) so Ali makes a big deal and keeps giving back to him and he keeps giving back to her. So I ripped the paper from his hands marched over to the place where the extras were suppose to go slammed it down muttered something about dumb people (which is where Mrs. D says 'uh-oh') Turn to face them, throw my hands in the air and say in a raised voice 'Wow! That was so difficult, I am so very tired, I'm going to go take a nap now' and they all just kind of stared at me and no one spoke for a long time. I hate snapping like that, but god damn, is any of that really needed? They're all so very petty, and they talk and talk and talk, and then they yell and yell, and it's never quiet, and I just want some quiet. I feel really tired lately, like I just want to run away from school and hang out all day walking around town, where it's quiet. I've been cutting down on my escapism, and I think that may be a reason I'm feeling so snappy. I think I'm going to try and read Slaughter-house Five next. I have a lot of things I want to read. I wish I could just pause time. I also wish I could fast forward it. I also want to read Peter Pan. I have so many books I want to read =\. Time just feels like this big hourglass and it just keeps running out of sand, and I'm just sitting there watching it helplessly. This is getting pessimistic and I'm hungry. Quote of the Day: ~"You may delay, but time will not."~ --Benjamin Franklin

I took the day off of school, eve though I'm pretty sure I already mentioned that in a different entry. Mom and I spent the day running about town. First to the mart, then to wal-mart, then to kohl's, ad finally to cut my hair. The perfume that I have has been discontinued. Gr. I'm really picky about perfumes, so this is kind of annoying. I found one really similar, but it's three times as much. Mom bought me a thick knee length knit sweater for the winter. It buttons up and has a tie on the waste. I really like it, all though it's kind of heavy. I also got this cute halter top with a great design on it for $4! Then I got a sweater I've longed for. I'll find a photo. It's one that has the huge necks on it that scoop down, and it's navy. It looks really smashing on me. Mom said next time we go back I should get a few more like it. I think my sense of style is finally taking a definite shape. http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/juniors/sweaters/PRD~352014/Its+Our+Time+Ribbed+Cowlneck+Sweater.jsp ^ that's the sweater I got. I really love it. I hadn't missed any school before today, but who am I kidding? I'll never have perfect attendance, I'm much too sickly. I got my hair cut like a china doll. It's just not as short. I think it look really nice. I really like myself better with short hair, I think it makes me look much more mature. Dar doesn't get to see my hair until tomorrow, I know he is excited. So, my day was wonderful, I love spending time with my mother. It's so ice when we get on well. Now, I'm just relaxing and watching some cartoon set in medieval times. See you Sunday Quote of the Day ~"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time." --Anna Freud

People can't reply to your posts. That should be coming in the future though. Hope that helps.

I just wanted to watch television.. Nothing was on. I wanted to watch one of those sappy-funny sitcoms. Like Still Standing or Grounded for Life. Or eve one of those shitty ABC Family films. So I'm watching this designer lady named like Rachel Zoe or something. I like her bitchy assistant. =] I don't want television often, but when I do I usually watch shit television. I started writing this over an hour ago. Haha. I got caught up in talking to my mummy before she shipped off for work. Wednesday we're going to get our hair done. It's not that I love to get my hair done, and that I like that sort of thing. I just like doing things like that with my mom, since we don't have a great deal in common. We'll probably go out to lunch together too. I spent the weekend with Dar. We were only suppose to spend Saturday together, but Bren blew him off on Friday (again) He was just going to change plans for Halloween and go with Bren, which kind of irked me. Then Bren blew him off, and I asked if we could just go together, since we had had these plans for like 2 months. I'm buying a costume, it's our favorite holiday, I want to spend it with Dar. So, I finally spoke up (after keeping it all in for two days) and he says, 'I'll check with Bren' and I was just kind of awe struck. Why does he have to 'check' with Bren. Bren's blown him off twice now. So I said that, and I think it kind of clicked in his mind. He's like me =\ he let's people screw him over. He asked why I hadn't spoken up, but I just didn't want to sound like a controlling bitch. It wasn't that I didn't want him to hang out with Bren, just not on that particular holiday.. Anyway, it all worked out for the best. Bren ended up calling him on Saturday evening asking if Dar could go see his band, and that Bren would pick him and me up and everything. Dar said no, I could tell he was kind of pissed off at Bren. Which he had every right to be, Bren still hasn't even told him why he ditched. I have an A in my Informal Algebra II class! I'm proud, even if it is a slower class. I'm also pulling an A in my advanced English II. Hm, I thought I had more to write about, but I guess not. I think I'm going to go channel surf and eat left over chinese (yum yum) Take care. Quote of the Day: ~"The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected."~ -- Kurt Vonnegut PS- The Perks of being a Wallflower is on its way for me! I can't wait =]

I just got done fighting over a bowl of rice with my kitten at my kitchen table. She's such a rascal/porker. Dar calls her stomach 'the tank' because she's getting rather chunky. haha. I don't really have much to talk about this afternoon. I've been listening to Playradioplay! Dar and I listened to boats of music last night. He's kind of into MCR and the guitarist, Frank Iero has this band called Leathermouth. I honestly thought it would be complete shit, but it's really good. It's a post-hardcore band, and listening to it you would never guess the lead man is in my chem. Last night We were lying on my bed and my lap top was on the end of it and Dar was picking music. The song we were listening to (By Starlight- Smashing Pumpkins (lovely song)) was over, and he picks a new one. At first I didn't recognize it, but then I realized it was Sunny Day Real Estate. He apparently is fond of them now that I've shown them to him. Which is just stellar. Well, PrP! is over, and now it's on to The Postal Service, which frankly, I haven't listened to in ages. So, the other day Camden showed me a band, which had a bunch of other bands on it's page. I'm so happy! New music is always fun. Astrophel & Stella were the band, and then from their page morning..., Lights Above Us, and Arrows in Her were found. I also stumbled upon this guy's project Lightspeed Champion. It's ace! Lightspeed Champion sounds like something that could definitely be trendy, but it's so cool. It's kind of pop-punky, and the guy is so cool (well, his blog is anyway) (haha I thought my phone was going off because the song playing is my ringtone...lol) I've realized Dar is a bit like Holden Caulfield, only doesn't curse so much, and isn't so extremely down all the time. I may go over the similarities another day. Anyway, I've also found I'm a bit like Holden. I think about phonies a lot. For instance, my driving instructor's husband(my old principal) is a total phony. They were just wed a few months ago, and I was just thinking of what kind of husband he would make, and how he would act on a honey moon. What a phony.. Oh! Frank also used to be in this band Pencey Prep, where he just sings instead of screaming, it kind of sucks, but the name is awesome. Dar showed it to me and I got rather excited then had to explain the meaning of the name to him. =P Well, I need to read postsecret. Allchokedup & easy-lucky-free - good luck with the boyfriend troubles. Quote of the Day: ~“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”~ --Stephen Wright (this is me exactly)

Written eaerlier today: I came to the realization today that this is the point in my life when childhood is completly gone. I'm sitting in Study Hall as I write this in my agenda, and it seemed to have suddenly hit me. I've always felt older that my age group, and took pride in being more mature. Yet, at the same time I clung to my past as if it were the only thing I had. I've finally let go of the past, and I mean it when I say it. I began to realize it last night as I talked to Dar on the phone. However, I think what pushed me to the realization is all this talk of the festival. You see, they got rid of the tallest, fastest ride (the only one most kids my age ride) and everyone is rather pissed about it. As they spoke in angry voices of the news, I thought of the ride. I thought of when I rode it, and I realized I'm past that. And not because I'm too cool for it or anything, but just because it seems kind of silly. As they spoke I realized the fair itself was no longer important to me. I'm looking towards the future a lot, but not in that longing way that I used to. Now, I'm preparing in a positive way for it. I'm trying in my classes for once, and I'm doing extremely well. I know a lot of things will change before I reach adulthood, but I'm ready. I feel in these past few months I have grown so much, and I know I still have plenty of room to grow and improve. I know I will always be growing and improving, but I'm happy with who I am, and I am in life. I no longer want to cling to my past as a security blanket. I'm happy now. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wrote a story yesterday afternoon. It was the first story I've completed in months (not counting ones for school). Not only that, but it was the first non-murder/death story I've ever completed. Also, I found a good amount of new music, check out Astrophel and Stella if you have time. They're ace. They kind of sound like Brand New to me. Quote of the Day: ~"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing."~ --Walt Disney I need to do my Chem. gr.

It is raining out, but it's not the kind of rain that makes you want to sit outside and take it all in. It's more of the kind that makes you want to shut the curtains and snuggles into a mountain of blankets and just does all day to the sound of raindrops on your window. So, I'm having to wear gloves because my hands are so cold that the joints of my fingers actually ache. However, I can't type or use the mouse (I have a laptop) with the gloves, so I cut holes in the very tips of them so my finger tips barely show. They look silly and it kind of feels like I have bear paws as I'm typing this, but I'm home alone, so oh well. Yesterday and the day before I spent with Dar. We went to his house Friday and then he came over Saturday. It was lovely as always. On Saturday I accidentally left a mark on his neck.. apparently he bruises really easily, I feel awful. I think hickies are trashy, and I'm just wondering what his parents will think. :S I had him watch Donnie Darko yesterday. He didn't really get it until I explained it to him. Which, it is a confusing movie after all. He got most of it though, I think the ending just went a little quick for him to grasp it. He said he liked it though, which is a huge plus. [my hands are warming a little, hurrah!] So, I'm listening to Nick, and I kind of thought it wouldn't be as nice because it's all rainy an whatnot, but it's still grand. I really love the song 'Time Has Told Me' When I first got on the site, Easy-Lucky-Free's journal was up, which I usually read on Sunday's, so I read it. Then as I read that, AllChokedUp's journal was on, which I also read. So I read two of my favorite journal's in a row, it was kind of nice. So I basically just want to drone on about Dar some more, but I probably shouldn't. I may some other time. Anyway, I'm off to read Post Secret. [there's a storm coming] Quote of the Day: "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage." --Lao Tzu Note to self: I need some of the gloves that have the fingers cut off already, but have the mitten-flap to put over them.