Quit_Lollygagging's Journal

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  • Sixty-six

    by Quit_Lollygagging on January 20, 2009
    I remember when I was little we would watch these videos where the letters had personalities, and X was always an outcast because he was C and S put together and he didn't feel like an individual, and even though he was accepted at the end I always felt bad for him. I've been thinking about the past a lot, I'm not sure if I'm thinking about it in a positive or negative light, but I'm thinking about it. I've been thinking about my friends a lot lately too, and about death and about how Robert died and he shouldn't have and how I'm so thankful Arnol's dad found him and that the gun misfired and he had to resort to pills because I don't know what I'd do without him and I wish I could express that without him feeling like I'm only saying it because of what happened. I wish I could just do one thing that could show everyone I love how much I care for them, but I just don't know what. Death is going to be with us our whole lives, and I'm starting to not feel so invincible anymore. I haven't been writing because I don't want to think because thinking means bad bad things, man. I think the economy is taking a toll on my family, but I hope not. I don't really care though, as long as we can be together I'm okay. I miss my sister. I wish I would have been there for Arnol and that I would have known and that I could stop blaming myself. I wish for one day I could be totally honest and just say what I think and not be argued on it, and just have people nod and accept my point of view and I accept theirs, but just for one day. I'm feeling really regretful right now and feeling like I need to tell everyone I care about that I really do care about them because they could be gone sooner than I'd like. So to all my friends who do read this (Camden, Trev, Suss, Kins, Ash, Jas, all of you) I really do care for you all and respect you as individuals and if anything ever, ever gets so bad that you don't want to be here, just call me and I'll talk to you even if it's 4 in the morning. And just man, I love you all so much and I wish I was better at expressing this stuff because you are all amazing people and I wouldn't change any of you for the world. And I hope I do get to visit you soon Suss. I don't read many journals anymore, and I should. I keep saying that I'm just so busy lately, but that shouldn't be an excuse. I need to start taking time to do things like that. I need to get my life in order, I need it to be in order because if everything is just in perfect order than no one will be hurt or upset because everything will be controlled and I will have control on life again and be able to stop blaming things because it will all be okay. Just let it be okay. I need to go to bed now and stop writing because I'm starting to get frantic and I need to tell Ali she is a great friend and that I'm glad she's a Cancer and I wouldn't have her any other way, and I need to hug Dar and let him know how much I appreciate him, and I need to do a lot of other things and stop thinking about myself so much. Just, everyone, try to be okay, and don't die, and buckle up when you get in a car and always look out for each other and just be okay. Quote of the Day: ~"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind."~ -- William Shakespeare
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  • Sixty-five

    by Quit_Lollygagging on January 19, 2009
    So, so, so. It's Martin Luther King Jr day and tomorrow is Obama's inauguration! I wish we had tomorrow off to be able to see all the press coverage of it, but unfortunately we don't. It snowed last night and stuck for the first time this year. I'm babysitting Ayn today and we played in it earlier which was really fun. He told me I'm the weirdest girl he knows =P (he's a fourth grader) Last night I spent with Ali, we painted the doors of her closet and saw a movie. We saw The Bride Wars, which was downright awful. I wanted to see Gran Torino, but Ali didn't and afterward she said next time I should just choose the movie because Bride Wars sucked so much. It was still fun hanging out with her though. Friday and Saturday I spent with Dar which was wonderful. Everything with him great. I'm so happy with him, it's nice to have someone who I can tell anything and know that he will just nod and talk to me about it and not get angry. I'm a bit worried about Arnol, he said he tried to kill himself, I don't want to believe him but it's perfectly plausible. I just wish I was there for him, I don't know. I haven't been writing much lately, it's wintertime and I'm trying not to get into over analyzing every little thing again. I don't feel like writing right now, maybe I will someday and actually want to write. Anyway, life has been good, I still have a lot of things I need to do and never enough time and I'm always tired, and blah I need to do my Chem. Quote of the Day: ~"Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read"~ --Mark Twain
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  • Sixty-four

    by Quit_Lollygagging on January 12, 2009
    I wasn't going to post, well I was, but it was going to be a feelings thing. However, I remembered my dream and decided I wanted to talk about it on here. I only remember a few things from it, but there is one particular scene that keeps wanting to play. I was coming out of a house and there was a side walk leading to the street (I feel like maybe it was Sal's Uncle Jef's house) I came out of the house and was standing on the stair step waiting on someone, when I green jeep (Gur's jeep) and the door opened and it was TJ, but he looked kind of like Robert and I was so excited to see him and then I tilted my head to see in the passenger seat and it was Gur and I was equally as happy to see him. I don't know what it was, but it just feels like that the dream was telling me that when I go back it's going to be okay. And that even though Rob is gone, he'll be looking over us, or that he's in a better place and that he really wants us to enjoy the time we have together. I don't know, but I've been really worried about going back to AR and I feel a lot better now that I had that dream. I'll try to get something about internal going-ons in the next week or so, I have other things I really need to do. (like write certain people, and clean, and write, and do art, etc) Quote of the Day: ~“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”~ --Buddha
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  • Sixty-three RIP, Friend.

    by Quit_Lollygagging on January 10, 2009
    Thursday evening I came home and unsuccessfully tried to watch Star Wars Ep VI, but after giving up I went to room where I saw I had two text messages. I read them only to find they were from my sister, a friend from AR had passed. His name was Robert, and I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned him before. He was working in Louisiana on an oil rig. He was in an elevator when I pipe swung down and crushed his skull, he was wearing a helmet but it cracked through it. Robert was an amazing guy, I know everyone says what was best about people after they die, but he really was a great person. He was always smiling, at 21 he had crows feet and laugh wrinkles from his constant grin. He was the kind of person that made you feel silly for being angry or upset over something petty, for he was always happy. He really had a way of lighting up a room. He was strong, gorgeous looking, and had a great personality. He had been dating a girl name Laken for sometime and they had plans to get married sometime in the upcoming year. His best friend was T.J. and he was good friends with my sister. While I only knew him for 2 months during my stay in AR he really did have a positive impact on me. He was so laid back and happy go lucky, his positive attitude was infectious. He was the first person I met when I went to AR, he had been working on my sister's house with T.J. Since he died in Louisiana they aren't allowing his body to cross state line without being embalmed, but since his father was an Indian Chief (or something of that nature) he will have to be cremated. If you are religious, please keep him and his family in your prayers. He was truly a great guy and I hope his soul rests well in a better place. His death may have been tragic, especially only being at the age of 21, barely an adult, but hopefully his death didn't go without reason and someday we will be able to see that reason, whether it be in death or in life. ~no quote~
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  • Sixty-two : Where did all my time go?

    by Quit_Lollygagging on December 31, 2008
    So wow, I haven't journal since November, and I can't begin to describe how weird that is. I just..I don't need this anymore. I can live without it, not that I don't want it, I just don't need it, you know? I prefer being the reader as of late. I wasn't going to write today (even though it's on my to-do list)but I was reading AllChokedUp's journal and heard that song be Mr. Jesse Lacey and Kevin Devine(who I secretly love) and felt so freaking inspired. So yeah, lately I've been insanely busy. When I'm not with friends(?) I'm with Dakota, and when I'm not with him I'm babysitting, when I'm not babysitting I'm trying to get things done, and when I'm not doing that I'm sleeping. So yeah, I've been busy. Christmas drained me in a good way and the weather has gone wacky. I've been chilling in my living space all day checking things off my to-do list and feeling good about life. Just, when I think about my life this sense of clam just engulfs me and I feel so fucking good. I can't even describe it..it's so blue. Like my memories, but you won't get that, and I don't want you to. Just know that blue is good, and life is good. The day before yesterday I organized my room completely. I even organized my closet and I realized I have a lot of clothes I don't wear. So, I'm going to see which ones I can make work and the others I'm going to try to donate to charity or give them to someone who needs them more then my closet does. Hah,I just wrote a poem, haven't done that in years. I actually stumbled across some old poetry of mine the other night and while a lot of it was hit and miss, I was pretty proud of a few of them. I forgot how good it feels just to write small things like that. So, wow, life has been good, I don't really know where to start? My self esteem issues are at a rock bottom, but I can only go up from here, right? And there's something comforting about that feeling. I have a few friends? even though sometimes it just feels so fake and wrong to me that I just want to hide. I went to church last Sunday and made some great point, I guess. I was just telling what I knew. They were pretty cool, but I felt like such a fake and so wrong. I know they all assumed I was Christian and I'm not sure how'd they feel if they knew I wasn't? Yet, I'm not too sure I care either. I feel good coming home from church, like sunny, but not because of religion, just because all those people are so content with their lives and their god and their belief that it feels good to be around them. Dakota and I couldn't be better, I don't think. Everything seems to be going right, right now. Not that it will always be that way, I know, but not feels good and blue. In this video someone yells out 'fuck yeah!' and it feels so painfully beautiful to me. Just the way he yells it with such passion, like he really means it. He doesn't care if he's cursing, he's in the moment. He's there. Alright, I'm going to start rambling, so let's just pretend I said something coy and beautiful and end it here, okay? Thanks. Quote of the Day: ~"What we are living with is the result of human choices and it can be changed by making better, wiser choices." --Robert Redford Happy late Holidays everyone! Hope you all had a good one and stayed safe!
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  • Sixty-two

    by Quit_Lollygagging on November 11, 2008
    I think that I am really okay with the past. All of the past, not just parts of it, but the whole thing. I mean, when I really think about I should never be ashamed of my past, for that is what makes me the person I am today. Of course I have my faults and my problems, but altogether I'm pretty happy with the person I am.

    Sometimes I, of course, don't feel so okay with myself, but for the most part I am a pretty good person. I think a lot of the time I don't feel adequete enough, but through Dar and Camden I've tried my best to realize it's nonsense.

    Last night Dar was over (due to Veteran's Day) and we talked of our pasts (like before we met each other) for about two hours, or seemed that way at least. It was nice too, and I wasn't like 'oh no, I was so wierd then!'  I just talked about it with a shrug, just thinking 'yeah, that was me then, and this is me now.' It was just a really nice feeling. I even opened up to Dar and told him a few things in my past that I never really tell anyone. One of them he could tell it kind of had an impact on me then and affected me throughout my childhood, and he just walked over to me and kissed me on the lips like everything was going to be alright and I knew it would be.

    It's just a terribly nice feeling to not only no longer live in the past, but to also feel comfortable with it. I don't honestly remember the last time I felt like this. It's such a relief.

    I'm writing again, another non-murder. This one will hopefully be a bit longer. I'm writing in a romanticism stlye. Camden is going to take it after I get so far along and do an alternate ending, I'm terribly excited. I don't have much written yet, but I'll get to it, I just need to get the ball rolling.
    Quote of the Day:
    ~"I have dreamed in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind. "~
    --Emily Bronte

    I'm currently reading her book Wuthering Heights thanks to Camden. So far it's great. It's due on my mother's birthday.
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  • Sixty-one

    by Quit_Lollygagging on November 10, 2008

    Do you ever really look around your home or room? I mean really, really look around it. Sit on the floor of your bedroom and just peer up at the walls. It almost feels like you don't live there because you never look at it that way. It's like, by looking at it that way you realize what you take for granted.

    Arnol came over Friday, which was cool I suppose. I just really wanted that evening to myself and my mom, but it's okay. I was suppose to go the movies with the girl I went bowling with before. She invited me during gym, and I figured her boyfriend would go along so when she called later I asked if it would be okay if Dar came too. She said she'd have to ask Ky (her boyfriend) and would then call back.

    I hadn't asked Dar yet if he wanted to go, for I wasn't sure when we'd go. So, she calls back and says 'well, I don't think so, we don't really know Dar and we just don't want it to be AWKWARD.' then goes on to say Bray is going (her boyfriend's cousin who paid for my bowling last time)

    So, I said okay, but texted her and backed out.

    It just bothered me so much. When she invited me to hang out with her, I wanted to hang out with her not her, her boyfriend, and his cousin. The last time was whatever and I didn't expect it to be like that everytime. It just feels like they're trying to set me up with Bray. Plus, her boyfriend and his cousin are kind of huge..for lack of a better term, douches.

    It just made me so mad that she didn't want it to be awkward. Because I mean, it wasn't awkward or anyhitng for me when I had to not only hang out with her for the first time, but also meet to strangers. Not only that, but I was pretty much stuck with Bray because she's up her boyfriend's arse.

    I don't really see myself talking to her much anymore.

    I could rant more about Ali, my other female friend, but I think I'll just let that subject be.

    Saturday Dar came over and I almost felt like I had to live up to last weekend, which was rather impeccable. It all turned out well though.

    At one point I thought I had ruined the whole day.

    Death has once again been on my mind a lot lately, and with death comes all these questions. And something about Dar holding me in my kitchen made it all come on at once and I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

    He held my hand and then guided me to my room where we lay down on my bed and he hushed me and told it would be okay and we spoke softly of the subject at hand and then I was calm.

    The stangest part is that I haven't felt panicky or anything, talking about things usually never helps me, but it did.

    We asked his mom if he could stay over, again, but she said no, again. She said he's not old enough? So we made muffins and forgot about it. Around 11pm we decided since he couldn't stay we'd just sleep till 12 when he goes home. It was very nice,

    He texted me today asking if I had woken him up. I didn't really know what he meant at first, and the he asked if I called his name or shook him anything, and I said yes. Then he said that me doing that made him feel like we lived together, and that he really could picture us lasting that long.

    It's nice not feeling like I could lose him at any moment (which I feel that a lot of young relationships feel like that) or that we'll grow apart, since we've stayed friends for so long so easily.

    It's just like our personalities fit together. If there's anything we disagree on we just don't bother with it, neither of us will change our minds, so why bother it? I guess it's mostly just nice because we have the same ideals so there's nothing we have to figure out.

    A friend of mine is going through a tough time, I really hope I'm able to be there for him. He has been there for me so very much, I just want to return the favor. I also just hope he doesn't feel alone. I don't know if he felt like that to begin with, but I just hope he doesn't ever feel like that. He's just a wonderful person (despite anything he says) I just hope life turns out well for him, he truly deserves it.

    Quote of the Day:
    ~"To be nobody but myself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."~
    --E.E Cummings

     

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  • Sixty

    by Quit_Lollygagging on November 04, 2008

    This weekend was absolutely wonderful.

    Friday was Halloween as you all know, and it was Halloween dress up day at school. So, I wore my Alice costume to school, and everyone liked it, I got a bunch of compliments on it which was nice.

    The shoes I was wearing with it kind of killed my feet, and by lunch I was rathet agitatated. The school day seemed to drag on, but during gym (last hour)  I changed into my Pumas, which was soooo nice on my feet.

    After school Dakota and I walked to get my haircut. The lady messed it up, and it's the third time I've gotten my hair cut incorrectly. It's okay though, Dakota says it still looks really nice and he couldn't stop touching it so that's a good thing. After my haircut we walked back to my house and fooled around, then we just layed together and talked. We eventually got dressed and I did his makeup for him (he was a vampire) and then we waited on my mom to get home so we could leave.

    We went trick or treating, and by time we had our bags half full, my feet and legs were aching (partial thanks to those shoes) so we headed home.  When we got home we made dinner and brownies, then we ate some candy and watched the Nightmare Before Christmas. I fell asleep cuddled up to him and then it was time for him to go. He said later that he had also fallen alseep but woke up before me so I didn't know.

    The next day I had been invited to his house for a bonfire. My mom took me over to his house around 2. When I got there we helped his dad with getting the fire and stuff set up. We ate around dusk before guests arrived, and the food was soo good. We went inside when his dad's friends started arriving, and talked to his mom for a while. She went outside and then we curled up on his couch and channel surfed. We watched the Rocky Horror Picture show and ate Halloween Candy. After that was about 3/4s over we went up stairs and fooled around a little, then we played the Wii.

    Playing the Wii was so much fun, I hadn't ever played one before, and tennis is so awesome! Dakota just watched for a while since he had to wait for batteries to charge. He said I looked really cute playng because I would get really excited and competitive. We laughed for what seemed like hours and then when we grew tire of playing the wii we sat on the couch in the game room. (otherwise known as the dungeon) His cat Token came in and we pet and laughed about him (hes really cute and fat) then we just cuddled up and talked. Soon, I had to leave, so his mom took me home.

    Sunday, Dakota came with me to Kohl's to get a new sweater and some jeans (I got money for my grade card)  After we went to Kohl's we went to Wendy's which was soo yummy. Then we went to a 'pet store' which was locked, and turned out to be the Humane Society anyway.Then we walked down the shopping district to the record store we love. After that we hung out at my house for a while and listened to music.

    I wish I could explain the weekend so much more, but it's impossible to show the way it felt through writing.  It was just such a great weekend. It was one of those weekends that you just want to fold up and stick in your pocket to look upon on a rainy day. It was perfect in everyway. I don't think I could get much happier then what I am now, I truly hope life continues on this way.


     Quote of the Day: (first quote on new SM)
    "~Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."~
    --Martin Luther King Jr. 

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  • Fifty-nine

    by Quit_Lollygagging on October 13, 2008
    This weekend was great. Well, it wasn't fantastic, but it was nice. We had Friday off so on Thursday Dar came home with me. Even though he wasn't suppose to go anywhere this weekend. Thankfully I found a loop-hole. Thursday wasn't technically the weekend, so his mom decided I won and he could come over. (I love his mom, she's really nice) We had a nice time, we took a nap (well, he rested) and that was really nice. Then we attempted to make cookies (which turned out horribly because I'm a brownie maker not a cookie maker) but we ate like a fourth of the doe. Then we made supper, and I almost burnt the house down. haha. Then we just talked and watched music videos on youtube. I spent Friday alone, which was okay, I just watched television. Saturday I was invited to Dar's house to make homemade pizza (his mom invited me) and we ate and then we went outside, the moon was so very bright out in the country and we sat on his porch and just talked. I told him about everything. I told him about Shae and what really happened in the relationship. Then I told him about being depressed, and I didn't leave anything out. I told him how I stopped going to school for two weeks during first semester last year, and I told him how I lived in a different world for a while and lost touch with reality. I also told him how I thought about suicide and had a day picked out and then had a nervous break down before I did. I told him so much, and I explained everything, and he understood really well. Then I cried and he held me and told me he loved me. It was so nice to be able to tell him all that and for him to understand so well. He told me how he was depressed two years ago, and what it was like for him. Then we laid on his porch and just talked and kissed and made jokes. It was nice. I trust him so much more now. Sunday I went bowling with a female(first female friend in a long time!) and her boyfriend, and his cousin. It was fun. First we ate and then we were going to go see a movie, but everything was over already, then we went bowling. I didn't say much, since I was kind of nervous, but they didn't make me feel awkward. It was just a little odd because I could tell this what they do. They go bowling with the three of them, and it's just not something I would do. Not that it's not okay to go bowling, it's just not my ideal night. Anyway, her boyfriend's cousin paid for my bowling, and I really hope he didn't think that way of me, because I have Dar, and the cousin was nice and all..but I have Dar. Plus, he wouldn't be my type anyway.. They made me feel comfortable though, they asked me how old I was and what grade I was in and such. I could tell they were trying to make me feel included since I was younger then them. It was different, but nice. We took a country road home which was nice. Today is Columbus day, so I have no school. I'm probably just going to clean house and sit around. Have a good day everyone. Quote of the Day: ~"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."~ --Robert Frost (I'm sorry for the rut in quotes, I hope this one is better.)
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  • Fifty-eight

    by Quit_Lollygagging on October 10, 2008
    I know I'm writing a lot lately, and I think part of me is just writing so I can not think. As if writing down everything will make me forget about it, sadly that's not the case. I know I talked about this in my last entry, but I'm so afraid of getting older. It's like..we're all in this big race to get to a certain age, to get out of high school and to go to college and to get a job and to start living. But what I don't understand is that while we are all in this big race we are all forgetting to really live. It's like...we don't feel we truly start living until a certain age or a certain point in our lives, but we are all living right now. Whether you are 10,5,14,24,or even 75 we are all living. It's like...we almost forget that at times. We forget to just live, and to enjoy the fact that we are living. I asked Camden last night if he ever felt we were all just letting life slip by and none of us even realize it, and he said lately he increasingly felt that way. It's finally starting to change colors outside. I bought a few Halloween decorations for my room. I bought these two little buckets and put tiny candles in them and I bought some fake flowers that are orange and deep red, almost maroon. It's especially hard for me right now because I'm wanting to tell everyone how much they mean to me, but it's so hard for me to. I mean, I don't just want to say it I want to show it. I just want them all to know they are so important to me and without them I would be truly lost, but it's so difficult to convey that. Autumn always feels kind of melancholy to me, even though it is my favorite season. I think it feels that way because everything is dying and winter is about to come, and winter always seems to close us in. I don't know how to properly say this, but Autumn is like..a subtle happy sort of melancholy. It's so beautiful but so sad all at once. It's so strange. Everything is so strange lately. I just feel a little lost right now, not how I used to feel. I don't mean that at all. I just feel like I've strayed away from the path I was trying so desperately to stay on. Then again, maybe that path wasn't the right one and that's why I strayed. I've been having really weird dreams lately and I've started sleep walking again like I did when I was little. Camden said it's usually caused by stress, but I don't feel really stressed lately. Maybe it's from being restless, I don't know, I think I'll ask him if he gets online today or tonight. I almost want to get gifts for all the people that mean so much to me, but I don't know what I would get them, and some of them I couldn't get gifts for because they don't live near me. And I couldn't really ask for their addresses because it could seem a little weird. I just don't want to die someday and feel like I didn't ever get to tell the people I truly cherish what they mean to me. I don't know, this has been on my mind for a while. I've realized that I narrate my life, and it's kind of odd. It doesn't annoy me or anything, but it's still really odd because I don't know anyone else who does that. (except maybe JD but he's not really real..) I also tend to picture my life as a metaphoric scene. The current scene is me just walking down this dirt road in the middle of the country, each side of the road is lined with trees and they're in full Autumn 'bloom.' There's no destination as to where I'm going and I'm walking very leisurely. I'm not really sure if that's normal, but I'm pretty sure I've always done it. I don't know, maybe I'm just unusual. Anyway, have a great Friday everyone. Quote of the Day: ~"I saw old autumn in the misty morn Stand shadowless like silence, listening To silence."~ --Thomas Hood So, from now on I'm not going to worry whether I know the people I quote or not. I like this quote, the whole silence listening to silence thing kind of reminds me of myself.
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