"Sissy, I promise, everything's going to be okay.." "It will just take some time.." God, I hope so. I hope so much that you'll do what you say this time. But your hugs sometimes feel like choking, and you're only sweet when you've seen me kicked down. I hope things will go up instead of just faking and then spiraling down. I hope this time passes by more quickly than one can fathom, but I know it won't, not without windows. At least I'm leaving soon. I have a cocktail of emotions clambering about in my head and I don't know which one to follow. It's as though they're all climbing on a play ground, and I follow one for so long..and then it falls off and I'm stuck empty. I'm angry and hurt, upset that things don't have a solution, made powerless by my parents inaction, and scared for what the future holds. I just want to run as fast as my messed up little legs will carry me and somehow end up on a beach looking over the ocean. I just want to get away. Man, I can't wait to get out of here. I often feel it will be so sad, but I have to get away..far away. I think I want to live on campus for college..force myself into social situations and just try to experience something new. No matter how rough life gets in adulthood, at least I will have myself to blame, at least it will be on my shoulders, at least I won't be this powerless creature tormented by what's just out of reach. I hope everyone had a good Mother's Day. Quote of the Day: ~“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”~ -- William Arthur Ward

A heightened awareness of my heart beating, palpitations, accompanied by a more than needed awareness of myself and of the softness of everything. Soft skin, soft lips, soft hair, soft shirt, soft touch shirt gives, soft fingernails, soft eyelashes, soft bed sheets, soft words, soft pillow, soft bed, soft buttons, soft feeling. Last night as I drifted off to sleep abstracts thoughts of softness danced around me and I saw my bones fold in. I really haven't the slightest idea what it's about. Or why I feel it, or why I've only felt it since I came back. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. God,I am so sorry. I don't know what for, for you, for me, I don't know, I just feel sorry as fuck. Sorry that I can't where that polka dotted shirt and sorry that I'm here, and that I still don't know what I want and that I don't think I ever will. Sorry that my stomach is still in knots and that I miss it. This isn't what I came to write about. Get out of my mind. Blech. Giving blood, maybe, if my heart isn't a problem. I'm terrified of needles and am fully ready to cry/laugh/hyperventilate in front of a total stranger in order to possibly save someone. I hope I get to. Well not cry and giggle crazily, but give blood. Anyway, I must be going before my thoughts eat my very being. Quote of the Day: ~“Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.”~ --Roger Miller

Alaska died, she fucking died. Yeah, I knew it was going to happen, I read the review, but god, she's gone. And poor, poor Miles. Can we please just wait for Alaska? The book's great, really, but I can't read another damned page of it until I write in my sad little journal that I abuse with drama and melancholy phases. Sorry Journal. I knew she was going..but I became so attached to her, to her and Miles together. And the whole time I was reading and they were hooking up, though they both had significant others, I couldn't stop thinking about someone I shouldn't. I don't know anything anymore, my mind is on this whole flipping from one mood to another rampage and I can never quite keep up. I watched Lost in Translation last night and thought about everything they say to one another, how reckless they are, how beautiful. It's a great movie, just like he said. And I of course teared up at the end. Do you want me to tell you what he says at the of Lost in Translation? Yes whispers,I won't let this come between us. And you didn't, not really, I wish I didn't live so far away, but even if I were closer.. would things really be different? Things seem to be failing in my life, big time. And as anxious and fucked I am about these things I can't help but reflect on the transience of life. Everything ends. I wish it didn't sometimes. I wish there was a way to hide inside a thought or a memory, to hide inside a song, or a dance, or a kiss, or the warmth of a blue walled room. I also wish I weren't so damn sentimental. Honestly, I really just want to get high right now and laugh a lot about nothing in particular. I want to go away to that safe haven that is Arkansas, I'll be there in a couple of months, I'll be away in a sense. There's so much in life I have yet to experience, and there are so many things I most likely won't experience. I don't know how I feel about the latter just yet, but I want to do something about the former. I just want to take some chances, I just want to feel like I'm living. I just want to have that incredibly free feeling, that feeling of moving, even if what you're doing is not what you want. As long as you're doing something. It just always seems like I will be running in place. I will always play it safe, I will never do what I want, because I don't know what that is. Everything is so complicated, I just want to lie in the grass and watch the clouds pass...in silence. But not everyone knows that want for silence, that want for quiet understandings. Maybe I don't even, really. I don't know if you really read this, or if it really was your friend, or if you'll ever read this again. But I'm going to say it anyway, because I can't say it to you, because I live in fear. Be happy, you deserve it, be happy and do what you want. I know you have a great sense of life and I love the way you think, and I'm probably not giving you any advice you haven't already thought of yourself. But dammit, you're such a great person and I know you don't always or ever think that, but you are. Whatever you decide to do in life, no matter what it is, I will always be there for you, encouraging you, no matter how much it hurts me. Because at some point life just has to stop being about yourself and more about the ones you love. And I just want you to know, that I will always be here for you, even when I'm long since passed, even if you don't realize it, even if I get moody like I do. I care for you deeply, as a friend or a lover, or whatever you want to be. I know in some sense I've told you this before, but writing it here just makes it seem a bit more final, it gets it out of my thoughts at least, I hope. Take care, Joel. My head is fucking pounding. Quote of the Day: ~"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."~ --Albert Schweitzer I'm thinking about trying to get a hold of a 'how to deal with anxiety' book, or buying one over the summer. And really reading it this time, and really taking it to heart. But I'm never sure about such things. I guess, I'm scared to find out and show others who I am under all the anxiety and shyness. Have a good week everyone. Don't die, or try not to.

I don't know if anyone keeps up with me or my journal anymore, but if you do or if you found my journal and PM-ed(which is totally fine, and really awesome) Then you may have forgotten to fill out the subject line, and currently my account flashes 'one new message' but I can't look or see the message (or who it's from or if it's even there) because the subject wasn't filled in. So please, if you did send me a message recently, resend it and fill in the subject and then I should properly receive it and reply to it. Thanks, Kathlynn ~no quote~

It's hard for me to decide what to worry about and what not to worry about and when to worry about which. Some days I feel like I should only be concerned with now and things that affect me directly, but other times it's pretty much the opposite. It's hard to find a balance between the two, really. History and politics and the history of politics pisses me off so much. Like how at the end of WWI we pretty much told Vietnam to fuck off because they were too small to give two shits about even though they deserve the same rights we have because they are people too. Then the Vietnam war happens like...40 years later (no wonder..) and we sweep in like usual to 'save the day' and help out that poor country.. All my life I have been told the Vietnam War was basically this; The country was divided and angry, and started fighting each other. One side was right and one side was wrong. Up until this point in history Vietnam didn't really do anything or try to get any help. America, being the wonderful and empathetic nation we are, saw that the good side was being beat and thus sent troops to help. A lot of people didn't like it because no one likes war, and eventually we pulled out. But that's not what really happened and I'm just so sick of finding out that I've been lied to my whole life. The older I get the more lied to I realize I am. Perhaps if we had met in the middle of the 14 points (which laid down for everyone) and the Treaty of Versailles (which just humiliated Germany and only made punishments) Then Germany wouldn't have been so pissed at us and their people wouldn't have been so willing to believe in someone like Hitler. Then maybe we could have prevented WWII. And if we would have just helped Vietnam have some freedom then we wouldn't have had the Vietnam War. But of course...we were completely 100% right in ignoring Wilson and not arguing with the Big 4. And there was absolutely no way we could have prevented WWII or the Vietnam War. However, subjects like this are what I'm not sure I should worry about. Guh. That was really just a rant. It's hard to not worry about things like this though. =\ It seems useless though, no one else seems to care...why should I? Why can't I just be caught up in day to day drama like everyone else? Why do I think that though? Why don't I think more along the lines of; Why aren't other people caring about this? Why aren't we rewriting our history books and talking about things like that? Why does it seem okay that politics or whatever it is that controls things like this just smoothed the edges? Do you just accept that it happened and that no one is talking about it and move on? Is that okay? Is it better to do that? I really have no idea. Quote of the Day: ~“We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.”~ -Bill Maher

I listen to a certain a album and I'm almost immediately flung into a past period in my life. The Shepherd's dog is the most recent period defined by certain music. I listened to non-stop it seemed in Arkansas. It was my driving album because it calmed me to sing to it while driving. I took it to the House one night and they all too fell in love with the album. I listened to a song from it because a friend had added it to his profile and I didn't so much long for that time, but I felt connected to it. Not in really a happy or sad way, just a sentimental way I suppose. Other albums/artists that take on certain periods time are like this; Chiodos- Bone Palace; depressed over a lost love, winter time Blink 182- Self Titled album- 4th-5th grade, discovering a band on my own that I like, this band in more ways than one defined my music taste from this point in my life on out. My Chemical Romance - Three Cheers- 6th grade, sitting on my bedroom floor drawing or writing, trying to figure out who I wanted to be. Feeling ostracized and unfitting, wanting to become braver. Trying to expand my musical tastes. Iron & Wine- Our Endless Numbered Days; time in my room on the computer mostly. Thinking a great deal, trying to solve my problems without the help of others, wanting to build better relationships. Brand New - Jude Law and a Semester Abroad music video; sitting in my living room watching endless hours of music videos on Fuse, getting lost in music and enjoying every moment of it. And the list goes on. It seems that just about every part of my life has at least one artist that I listened to heavily and that influenced my perception at that time. I don't really have much else to say, I need to get some things done and finish making a cake for my step father's birthday. Quote of the Day: ~“Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.” -- Henry Van Dyke

It's time to make a list! I figure if I put in on a site I use daily I will be more likely to get things done. My other lists work and all, I just think this one will be better. So every time I log on here I will think about my journal at least once and then feel guilty thus completing my list. (I hope) Okay, here we go... Tonight: 1.) Finish rewriting the letter, stamp it. 2.) Paint butterflies 3.) Try to write in novel/la even if you don't feel up to it. 4.) Don't allow yourself to be sidetracked by people talking to you, explain nicely you really need to do this. If they fight you on it, block their asses. (seriously, you know who you're thinking about) 5.) Write in your new project. 6.) Read Tomorrow Morning: 1.) Drink coffee 2.) Spray paint puzzle pieces before Dar comes over. 3.) Read before Dar comes over 4.) Put load of towels in the wash 5.) Pick up room 6.) Have lunch 7.) Walk with Dar to the post office to mail stamped letter(s) Sunday: 1.) Coffee 2.) Pick up room 3.) Open blinds, turn lights off 4.) Read 5.) Have lunch 6.) Start on puzzle piece sculpture 7.) Write in novel/la 8.) Search google images for painting inspiration 9.) Call your sister It may seem a little weird that I'm putting 'eat lunch' in them, but I usually forget to eat lunch and then I get shaky from have coffee with nothing to eat.(like I am right now, hah) Let's hope this turns out. Have a good Friday. Quote of the Day: ~“One of the secrets of getting more done is to make a TO DO List every day, keep it visible, and use it as a guide to action as you go through the day.”~ --Jean de La Fontaine seemed like I should keep in the subject^

I am so utterly afraid to die. Last night as I tried to sleep I thought about death and the afterlife, and for a second I thought about how I might not remember anything. Not Dar, Camden, Trev, Suss, Ali, Oli, movies, books, words, songs, melodies, nothing. And for a few seconds I was absolutely paralyzed with fear. I could move my legs and I could hardly breathe I was so terrified. I calmed down of course, but I just realized that no matter how happy or found I am I will always be afraid. Sometimes I feel like I've come to terms with death. I come to the conclusion that it will happen and I should just be happy and live my life and not worry. But then I usually think about it one day offhandedly, like last night, and just start the whole cycle over again starting with fear. Yesterday was Dar's birthday. I hope he had a really nice one, he says he did, and he seemed to have a good time. I wore a skirt to school. I wore it like an umpire dress with a red square cut shirt under it. I looked nice and Dar liked how I looked. It was sunny and warm, around 63 actually. I just wish I could shed those thoughts of death, just forever. I just wish I could live and that is all, just live. But if I did that I would lose my questioning quality and then I don't think life would be the same anyway. I know it's a primitive thought, but I don't want things to change. I don't want people to die or change or leave I just want things to stay. But at the same time we need change. I just sometimes think about how no matter what I do I will still die. There is no getting around it. Whether I change the world or do great things, I am still going to die. Gosh, there are a lot of things I need to do. I need to make another list. Quote of the Day: ~“It is foolish to pretend that one is fully recovered from a disappointed passion. Such wounds always leave a scar.”~ --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow PS- ash, I wrote you a letter, but I need to rewrite it and mail it. I am soooo sorry.

I've come to the conclusion that wet popcorn smells horrible and I should write in here more. As of late, I am ill. It was my fault for playing on the the snow mountain with Jared though, so I can't really whine about it. I'm feeling better though and have been drinking plenty of fluids. There has been a bit of drama in my somewhat social circle, which usually when that happens I just ditch but I stuck around this time because I actually cared. I even went as far as to call out the drama starter, which blew up more than I expected (all of facebook too, no wonder..guh) and I partially feel like karma bit me in the ass for it because I woke up at 8am today instead of 6am. I was 30 minutes late to 1st hour, and I sincerely hope it counted as a tardy and not half a day. It won't ruin my perfect attendance either way, but I'd still rather have a tardy. I went to the city on Friday and bought a new pair of Pumas and -gasp- heels. I used to wear heels every single day in 8th grade and I miss them. I'm fretting a bit over wearing them to school, but I'm going stick a pair of flats in my tote and hope for the best. I'm making a C in chem, which is horrible! It's all because of this lousy Quest I failed because I kept confused Ca with C since I decided to be arrogant and breeze through the test. I'm hoping things will patch up with our upcoming chemical reactions test and the extra credit I will do soon. Well, that's all I have to say for now, have a good evening everyone! Quote of the Day: ~"Beware the fury of a patient man."~ --John Dryden

I just need a change.