i've eaten m+m cookies and all is well :) that's all i need to keep me happy- chocolate, music, and a blog... lol. i just realized that my bday is in like 2 weeks and i have absolutely no plans. for anything, like a party or even like if i want a cake. ha ha. my friemd's havin a party this weekend (cant wait) and it sorta feels like a competition now- she's invitin like 50 bazilion ppl and anything I do wont be anywhere near as fun. o well. i'll prolly have a couple BFFs over for a sleepover or sumthin little... but i really wanna have a bash. :( so ya. this entry was kinda pointless... o well. dont really care. make cookies, not war!

i feel so bad for my friend =[ she thinks she's in love w/ this guy. she says hes perfect for her. dont get me wrong, i think he'd be great, for her anyway. maybs not my cup of tea, but its her choice. if she likes him, i'll support her. but anyway. i'm kinda worried for her cuz she's been sorta kicked around by guys b4 and i don't want that to happen again. she's a really stong person on the outside, but she's still really fragile inside after this one guy ttly tore her apart. so its like, i'm really happy for her and want her to go for it. but at the same time i'm ttly reluctant to encourage her- for her own sake. i don't think any of my friends could bear to watch her fall apart over a guy again. last time was bad enuff. and of course, me being the self-centered, whiny, bratty little bitch that i am, this all brings me back to my own past record of failed crushes and my own current guy. i'm going thru the same feelings about doing something about my crush as i am about hers. at least with hers, the guy is on the same social level as us. w/ mine its a huge jump from our place on the social scale to his. so its not like i'm actually gonna ask him out or anything. 'all my talk of taking action/ these words were never true'- how appropriate. ha. ha. ha. but anyhoo... erm. not much else to say except the usual- i luvs u all, whoever u are, and thx for being there for me and putting up w/ my bitching :P

and im stepping into the sun. and ive learned to let go, sort of. more on that l8r. to fill u all in: the concert ROCKED!! AC actually wasnt bad. and he actually shut up for a while. i was so proud of him. lol. the group that played Taco Bell's Canon- sry, Pacobels Canon, just cant stop myself- was SOO FUCKIN GOOD!! it was so pretty! but long. lol the dance was awesome. not so great music, but they played Dance Dance and Thnks Fr Th Mmrs and WTTBP and... erm... SEXY BACK!! haha! i hate that song so much! CC (sooo hott!!) was imitating Justin Timberlake- funniest thing ive evr seen!!! OMG!! ttly trumps a GUY being Hannah Montana for Halloween. lol. i had so much fun. and it was there that i learned to let go- for a little while anyway :) i was all depressed and crap b/c CC was teachin these grls how 2 dance and i wasnt one of them. i felt such horrible jealousy. it felt so... wrong to be jealous of them, cuz its not like he was w/ 1 grl or like slow dancin w/ them, but still. i was. and my friend was really down cuz her crush wasnt there ='( and my other friend was spazzin out b/c she wasnt sure about the kid she said she'd go 2 the dance w/...and my otha friend was ttly rockin out w/ the eyeliner. wat were u on, chlo??? that was awesome!! luv ya 21 death, chlo and tay- hope ur all feelin better. nehoo, i was bein a party pooper and i was like, wth, may as well have fun anyway. the first time i remember having willingly let go of my problems and putting other people first. unfortunately not something i do often. gotta change that... *yells at self for being a self-centered bratty bitch a lot of the time* but it was a lot of fun. but now i have a dilemma- do i tell CC that i ttly love him and have 4 like the longest time or do i just watch him walk away? i dont quite no wat the best thing would be. i'm already on pretty good terms with this kid and dont want to lose that. but i cant just stand by and watch. i just dont kno!!! we have one more dance this year. do i ask him to it? next week is the carnival. do i ask him to hang out there if my parents will let me go? or do i just wait for next year and see wat happens? ha, at least this time its an action i'm putting under scrutiny, not myself or someone else. well, watevs. that's the least of my worries right now. the main one is how too keep the good mood i'm in (and how to hide it if i'm not). the YA board meeting was so funny. Greg (hi skooler, chlo + tay, not lowe. haha, that name is so ironic... lowe... he's 6'3"... lol.) is really hot too. but he's a junior so he's way out of my league :( o well. its a beautiful day out... i think i'll go enjoy the real sunshine as well as the metaphorical stuff this is the happiest entry i've had. and probably the shortest one too. lol. hope the trend stays luvs u all. thx for puttin up w/ me

i have such issues. damn, where did i go? im seeing a lot of my life in the 3rd person. like, i see it in the cold light of depression a lot, and i get so much insight from this perspective. but then its like, fuck, what'd i do to myself to get like this? i don't know why but i go to school in the morning and i'm in such a crappy mood. then at school i'm happy most of the time, and by lunch if i haven't crashed it's a good day. but i get home and everything just crashes down on my head, the thunderclouds come rolling in. i come here and bitch about my day. wahoo. wat a wonderful existence. some days i come home, and i'm just about ready to burst into tears. like now, after reading revealing_too_much's journal. makes my problems look pretty insignificant. and i know that if i could just let go i'd probably make it alright; but me being who i am (and what i am) i no that i can't let go, i might need to remember this so i dont make the same mistake again. so i can forgive myself, because no one else can or will. ah, fuck. sometimes i just want to run away, from this fucking town, from my parents, even from my friends. but mostly i just want to get away from myself, to stop drowning in my shitty self-pity and invented hopelessness. i know i could be okay if i wanted to. and that's the worst part. I can't let myself go. I'm too concerned with hiding who i really am- which is who you all have met here and learned to despise and ignore b/c i complain about myself too much. i'm too concerned with fitting in and being normal that I can't let myslef go. i'm trying so hard to be normal that i can't. and then i pour everything out here and though i would love to hear back from someone half a world away, someone who doesnt know me, someone who can tell me everything is all right and convince me it's true, i know nobody other than me and my friends read this. so what is the fucking point of this? why do i fucking bother? no one's gonna listen to some bitchy thirteen-year-old and care. i just have to get out of here, of this pattern, of my school, of my own life. i'm the main reason i'm so screwed up and have so many issues. i'm pretty sure i have manic depression. i know i do. and i hide it. the worst part is that i know i need help and dont want it. i don't care how bad my life gets. i dont care about much of anything anymore. a fuck, i'm crying now. and it's my fault cuz i went and put all my feelings down and amplified them. for the whole world to read, to laugh at, to write off as one more fucky hormonal kid. I just... i want... i need... i dont know. or care. i guess i want to be everything i'm not, so i can get the guy and go be some frickin superkid who can go kick some serious ass. it's just...like, whenever i want to pour my soul out to someone i know, i dont want to, because they know me. and they'll try to convince me that i'm an ok person, which i'm not, and that my life is so much better than theirs. which it could be but i'd never know cuz i can't stop drowning in my own problems long enough to watch the people around me. i wanna go home but i dont no where that is. so i pull into myself, where i can be alone, and safe. im willing to sacrifice happiness for the comfort of my own mind. i'm freaking almost crying and i don't even feel sad. just empty. alone. maybe abandoned. and shitty for complaining about things that really aren't so bad. they're only thoughts, after all, not actions that i need to tell anyone about. so many people in this world are worse off than me so i really shouldn't be complaining, but i cant stop myself. really that thought only makes me feel worse. wow. i am such a screwed up little freak. im okay with it if u leave me here with my depression. i dont care about being alone anymore. the shadows of my mind are my company; my thoughts are my music; my tears and my fears, my best friends. it all just comes bubbling up out of me, i dont know where all this crap is coming from. im ready to start bawling any minute. the pain in my soul isn't even mine. or is it, coming from somewhere i can't remember? is it all my own inventions, taking everything too seriously? or is it real? all i know is that it hurts me so much. physically and mentally. the pain is what connects me to reality. and also takes me away from it; i'm stuck in my own in-between universe, watching everything rush past me and being too slow to react to it or grasp it as my life slides through my fingers and shatters on the ground. I had no idea i had so much inside me, so much to let loose, so much to break me apart. and so little to pull me back together. please, if ur out there, let me know. i cant take this by myself any more. email me, KittyKat_13@verizon.net all i want to do is run until there's nothing left, nowhere else to run to. so i'll flee to the shadows lurking in my mind. come find me, the real me, pull me out of this

im gonna try to be happy and NOT depressing! yippee! it shouldnt be too hard cuz im so sugar high. well, i was like half an hour ago. we had a 2nd yrbk party 2day. which roxed. we played crack the whip (which i havent played since like 5th grade) and red rover outside after and it was awesome. so my math project is gonna be awesome. not. its all about transformations of figures or images and crap. my pic is a cat. =^..^= so i'm gonna call my project Transformations Of A Cat Named Virtute. no one at my schools gonna get the reference, but thats ok. love that song! (Plea From... not Translations Of..., for those who don't know what I'm talking about.) i have so much HW. i should be doing it but i'm not. yet again. i'm such a procrastinator :) o ya. today i found out that Meriwether Lewis (lewis and clark lewis) was a depressed little freak. hmm. we must be related. lol. not funny, dunno y i'm laughing. but i am. ok. now im gonna be depressing. i feel so bad for tay- 'the d-man' is really playing with her and just tearing her apart. he likes ES now, apparently (supposedly?), and its bugging her how she can't get over him. :( ha, mieolhc, ur ttly right. white with pink polka dots. or maybe rainbows and unicorns. lol. i dont ttly think of my perception of the world as black. just hazy grey, with a few holes in the clouds so the sun can come through once in a while. see? what'd i tell u all? i get poetic when i'm in my freaky depressed mood. it makes me laugh, sometimes, though it doesnt make me feel any better. i just feel like my life is rushing by me too quickly for me to live it. ya no wat i mean? its like wat squibb said- freaking whatifs all over the place. seriously, if my thoughts could paint a room... it'd be black and grey, dark almost-black purple... my thoughts scrawled across the walls in my own blood. the walls weeping for the pain i hide so well, the pain i can't explain... the pain i've picked up from fictional characters of my own inventions. the bloody words smearing, rewriting themselves, scarring the wallboard...how fucked up am i really? am i scaring you yet? nobody ever said this journal would be normal. i can't wait for summer so i won't have to stop hiding everything and i won't need reasons to go for walks in the rain by myself. it just scares me how dark i can get, then turn around and there is my mask of my own unicorns, though no one sees that they're black and fading fast. it takes effort to pretend to be happy, u no. i think i'll delete this entry tomorrow. so not too many people think i have major issues. which i do. cheers, drink up... haha. so much for being happy in this entry. once i actually find a place i can let everything go, i fall into my deepest thoughts and throw them out, black text flying across the blank page, filling it until there's nothing left inside. and then i read it and know i need help, from friends so close to me, but also doubt they can ever completely fix me. i just need someone to talk to, someone who won't care how fucked up i am, how bitchy i am, someone i can tell everything, someone who won't back off and leave me. in other words, probably some devout christian kid as my bf, to convince me i can be saved (haha, revelationsboy. i wish. *sigh*). even tho i won't believe it. o ya, mieolhc- jumped out of the plane and took the only parchute, as we fly on into the storms of our emotions btw, shout outs to squibb17! hope u cheer up Emilee! not that this entry will help u with that...

i no i wrote another novel. i don't care. i also wanted to apologize for mieolhc's censoring her journal since i'm the main reason she censored that particular comment. im sorry i censored mine too thx for putting up w/ me luv u all

well this sux. i just had like another novel-length entry written and then my computer spazzed and erased the whole frickin thing. anyway. it wasn't really a great one, just more bitching about how sucky my life is, but im still pissed that i have to rewrite the whole thing. ya. so anway. i'm *ahem* doing homework, not writing an entry, got it? i never did this. haha, i love goofing off when i'm supposed to be working. How random was that? But that's me for ya. haha. i crack myself up. anyway, gonna list good things in life b4 i bitch about the bad: 1. we have a dance on friday! i can't wait! 2. the math project is now due on Monday. so happy. apparently our teacher did this because we're "putting a lot of effort into it" and she doesn't want to rush us. Ha. Ha. Ha. in other words, i get a few more days to procrastinate and not do it. whee! i love this. 3. i had 2 "parties" at school today! fun. cookies and cupcakes and soda in German, and pizza and soda at yearbook. editors only, mwahahaha! i'm photography editor. yay! it's fun. the food was good. it's food; since when is that anything /but/ good?? 4. we're acting out scenes from A Midsumer Night's Dream and I know all my lines! (more or less) haha, Tay, u kick some ass as Demetrius. I'm Hermia, which is kinda the opposite of the so-called *normal* me. haha, like i'm ever normal. lol, that's a good one. anyway, my friend, who is naturally like Hermia, is playing Helena and has to act like a wimp. total reversal of real-life roles, right there. lol. 5. the kid i like knows i exist. YAAY!! lol. he's so hott... ;P 6. ummm... i was on such a sugar high today. like even b4 all the cookies and crap. and the orange soda bubbles that went up my nose. lol. not even kidding. they really did! it was sooo funny. and i had no one to share the hilarity with :'( i'm not sure if it was a real sugar high or not, maybs it was just sumthin to hide my depressed-ness. (does that even work as a word? watevs.) 7. I ripped the CD my friend (mieolhc) gave me. i swear i'm like addicted to it. listen to it every day. freakish. erm... haha. thats really all i can think of now. so im gonna start bitchin cuz i have nuthin better 2 do: 1. we have MCAS on my B-day (frickin standardized tests, for u peeps who don't live in MA) 2. we get progress reports on my b-day. not that I have anything to worry about, but still. 3. the kid i like *probably* has a gf. which means yes he does. 4. we have MCAS on my b-day. 5. my earbuds died. 6. my mom is still being a bitch. i really have no reason to be mad at her, but I am like all the time. dunno y. just am. she's just really getting on my nerves. 7. i feel like i'm losing one of my best friends. she's hanging out w/ like everyone but me more and more. Tay, i want- need?- u to no i'm not blaming u for this in ANY WAY. its just her. and i dunno what i did to fall out of her favor. she's what holds my 'possey' together. so if i lose her ttly, i'll have no place in my clique. and i am so sick of her begging for money every day to buy a second dessert when she has like all this crap still on her tray. im just like, eat whatcha got, fuck u. but i don't say anything at all. she's just pulling away from me. or am i just pulling into myself? i really don't know. or care. all that matters is the end results. and i'm afraid to think of what they could be. 8. did i mention we have MCAS on my birthday? 9. my mom won't get me FOB tickets. :'( i'm so jealous of ES. she's going w/o parents. I WANNA GO SO FRICKIN BAD!!! waah!! anyway.... 10. we have a concert on Thurs. i dont wanna go. my stand partner, AC, doens't know what he's doing. and neither do I. its gonna suck. and i hate the black and white concert dress. its so boring. and i can't play the pieces we're doing very well, even tho they're not that hard. 11. I'm like the only kid in the orchestra thats not going to Great East and SixFlags. this sux. the band, chorus, and orchestra are all going, and I'm not. i think i'll stay at home that day and cry. um. um. ya. i have nothing left to say. poot. haha, thats a funny word. anyway. i need someone to talk to other than myself. email me. KittyKat_13@verizon.net. as long as ur not a creepy stalker. lol. luv u all to death even tho i've never talked to u. ur there for me whether you want to or not, so thx.

i no i already posted 2day but i dont really care. my mom is being a total bitch. so this one pair of jeans i have is like really long and kinda drags on the ground (whose dont?) and she like freaked out at me cuz the hem was ripping. 'u shood nvr have worn them to camp! theyre ur good school pants!!' well evryone else's pants look like that, so i dont really care! so she freaking cut the bottom off and rehemmed them. she RUINED them! its no fun when ur mom is such a control freak about what u wear. like seriously, i have this one jean skirt that comes down to the tips of my fingers when my arms are at my sides. IT FOLLOWS THE FRICKIN SCHOOL DRESS CODE and she still isnt gonna let me wear it. she says its too short. i swear she's still livin in the 1800s. shes such a prude. and it pisses me off. i think im gonna go insane. ok, now she's really pissing me off. she comes in my room- without waiting 4 me to answer her knock- and is like, you should probably practice, and im like, ya i no, and we have the concert thurs. and i dont wanna go cuz i suck and its not gonna be fun. she says you'll do fine. and im like, no i wont, i sit next to A.C. and he doesnt no wat he's doin and its gonna be horrible and i start bitching about it, and she's like, im leaving now. and im silently like, WTF?? as the dor shuts behind her. i no my bitching is not fun to listen to (i complain about evrything. i really am a shitty person.), but i thot parents were supposed to like listen regardless and try to make u feel better. so is that gonna happen? nope. i need to get out of here. majorly. so now she knocks, and im like WHAT??? and she just comes in and is like, i could just barge in and not say knock knock! and looks at me really bitchily. i think not waiting for someone to say u can come in counts as barging in, so she already does. i hate my family. *** well that was really bitchy. thats the way i really am tho so ya... self-hatred and depression are my #1 skills. wahoo. on to happier things. our LA teacher is having us act out scenes from A Midsummer Night's Dream and i get to be Hermia. fun. im absolutely loving this. my fave Shakespeare play is Much Ado About Nothing, but this'll do. so ya. hope ur day is happier than mine was. enjoy life while u can and all that crap. 'it's not so pleasant and its not so conventional it sure as hell aint normal but we deal, we deal' i wish that could apply right now. anything unordinary would be so welcome. my life is such a regular pattern and its driving me CRAZY. i just got back from the same GS weekend as mieolhc (fun fun fun! 'but im not!' lol.) and already my like freakishly depressed happiness (how weird is that? im only truly happy when I'm depressed and see the world clearly. depression to the point of clarity, i think i called it.) is now completely and utterly gone. I swear, i need that feeling to LIVE. otherwise... well, fill in the blanks. im not stupid or crazy enuff to be suicidal, but i've been just a step away from cutting before. lovely. anyway.. wat was i saying? o ya. so my freaky happiness is gone and now im back to the boring normal routine. bleh. can i go back to camp for a week? i miss having an upstairs porch. i wish it was raining again. i love rain, and freezing my butt off... jk. i dunno y, but when im happily depressed i dont give a frick about cold or wet. like at all. but its nice to sit outside in the freezing cold and rain on an upstairs porch in a tanktop, jeans and socks and have deeply philosophical convos... so much fun i forgot to have a good time. no, it really is nice, u shood try it some time. just dont forget to go back inside or u'll get hypothermia. i dont wanna be responsible for any hospitalizations :) jeez im positive. ya, so we were talking about.. o crap, i forgot it. gimme a sec, it'll come back...evrything in our lives thats really screwed up. which is a lot, trust me. and it was nice to finally say evrything i feel and get it all out. it gets all bottled up and i start flipping out at all the wrong ppl just because they just happen to be there. anyway, i think thats all. for now. until evrything starts getting horrible again. i dont no who u r if ur readin this but thx for bein there 4 me. luv u all already "I am not afraid to keep on living I am not afraid to walk this world alone 'Honey if you stay you'll be forgiven' Nothing you can say can stop me going home." thats another thing right there. Where is home? its not my physical house and family, that's for sure. i doubt i'll evr find where i really belong. but that's really beside the point. im depressing myself, and not in my freakishly happy way. in a bad way. apparently, im very poetic when im happily depressed. but ive bored u enuff. signing off- hugs for evry1. o. btw, for those of u that read mieolhc's journal, i'm the road-trip BFF. lol. that was kinda funner than i thot it would be. but thats another entry.. i'm really signing off this time. i promise. 'But you really need to listen to me Because I'm telling you the truth I mean this, I'm okay! (Trust me.) I'm not okay.' and nvr will be. cheers.

this site is awesome!! thx evry1 for makin it so great. specially thx to the ppl who rote the songs, namely pete wentz the hottie :P. luvs u all already. Shout-outs to mieolhc! Heya grl! Ive arrived! I'm comin up so u better get this party started! ps. to blind: im not thinking about -/-/-/-/-/-/-! just so u no!