oh and i forgot to mention- i fell off *A*'s brother's wooden go-kart on Sunday. i have a scrape on my right elbow and my left palm, and the back of my left thigh. it goes like halfway round my leg, hurts like hell, and is friggin oozing thru the gauze onto my pants. disgusting.

i hung up on eric yesterday. it was funny... kind of. he put jesse, that manbitch, on the phone with me... then he told me i had been talking to jesse and not him. i told him he sucked and hung up. speaking of... i'm sorry i asked. really. 'ignorance is bliss'.... whatever. so. even though that last entry wasn't directed at me, chlo (and i do know who you were talking to), i must disagree- people CAN like who you are on the inside. living proof. remember the porch, kiddo, if you have any doubts... that may have been before i knew, but, as funny as it is, that still stands... mom will be home in like no time at all. fuck. anna is being a bitch again, or am i just making up reasons so i can finally just hate her and be done with it? talking to Nate online.. i love that kid, he's awesome. one of those like little-kid cute kind of people with the totally adorable habits... hmm. little kid cute. and he's my age. go figure... anyhoo. i had CC read my lyrics. he liked them (if he read them at all. god, why do i doubt people so much?) but said one line sounded weird... with luck he'll read the next set, whenever that is, and actually have a comment this time... the wall is back up, i think. not the he's-too-good wall, but the simple (and awful) wrong-social-class wall. i haven't seen him in 3 school days... but whatevs. more people today saying that emo kids are all cutters. pissing me off. and then they laughed at me when i said i was gonna get pissed at them if they said it again. distinctly not funny! i hate guys. except CC and Eric and Nathan and Ben. and Nat. and.... hmm.. oh yeah Josh and Jordan. and peter. maybs. and Ryan even tho i think he can be an ass. he's no worse than ben. and any guys who actually read this and dont make fun of my random ramblings. wtf.

its totally awful... i had such a deep conversation with him the other day. i thought i had moved on, that i didn't like him anymore... at least not in that way. but after that conversation... god. i'm falling in love with him all over again. and he's nowhere near as perfect as he seems. as i was afraid he was? that little confidance definitely broke the wall of he's-too-good-for-me... or cracked it at the very least. i almost asked him out on an impulse... but i didn't. i'm going to try to hook him up with her.... they'd make a waaayy better couple than me and him. she knows him so much better than i do and she actually hyas a chance with him... and she deserves him. do i? i guess i just have to wait and see if i actually like him or if it's just total desperation for a boyfriend. make sure you hug someone you love. hold them like you'll never let go. do it for all the people who can't do it themselves. much love. xoxo

so. first time in like.... over a week, i think. wow. my science book was talking about 'the dissociation of water'. i laughed. but not really... i dont quite feel... normal... today. what else is new? i found out that she still likes CC. and, if i believe what she heard via joe, he likes her. so here we go again.... i mean, i am so f-ing happy for her. she just moved here, a boyfriend like him will make her so much happier. but... is it too much to admit that i'm a little jealous? she's pretty. popular. bubbly. happy. lets not forget that she's best friends with one of the hottest guys from SB... but whatever. she would never flaunt him, especially since he's so well-liked.. literally. and... as much as i hate to admit it, they're like perfect for each other. ...not that i've ever been much good at predicting couples... I Don't Love You, My Chemical Romance. i haven't been dissociating lately. which is odd, cuz the 'rents have been fighting... a lot. thats why i hate going to my Grandma's, they always get involved with these big projects and start fighting.... i always used to go down to the water and just sit there... or sit by the stream... but i haven't been able to do that in a while. so the best i can do is turn up the volume on Petra and sit it out.... which really sucks. Follow and Feel, Saosin. when i woke up this morning the bottom half- exactly half- of my right eye was bright red, the top half was normal. its still like that only not so bright.. i have no idea wat happened. but thats beside the point... mum's home. gotta run- luv. givesomeoneafreehugtoday

first bit of downtime ive had this week. can somebody slow my life down, please? *ohwell...* i ttly can't believe i'm in high school. this is so... i dunno. kinda anti-climactic. i thought it'd be a bigger deal. am i romanticizing everything again? so i wrote these, i dunno, a while ago, and i only just got around to posting them- they date from pre-paranoia... with all the lights on i can imagine it's day, pretend it's okay empty room to empty room pacing this house no space without memories, without regrets fears and hopes haunting me and thoughts of you turn up the lights so i can imagine it's day and pretend it's okay [fight my fears away] empty heart to empty heart what good is left? no time to turn back just time for regret i can't erase these memories or these thoughts of you don't turn out the lights i imagine it's day pretend it's okay [fight my fears away] so come back to my lights we'll imagine it's day and pretend it's okay [fight our fears away] with you i'll be okay kinda crappy, i know, but its the only complete set of lyrics i have, the rest is just scattered phrases. we'll see how the next set comes out... anyway. have a lot to say about school, been keeping little notes of stuff. there's a Rory in my Bio class. funny, because there's a charcter in my book named Rory. not quite as funny as gilmore girls, though... loooong story there, go ask Kel.. this kid in my german class, im convinced he's staring at me.. kinda unnerving. dont really like him... my bio teacher SUCKS. nearly fell asleep.. she looks like a young version of a batty old cat lady. its actually kinda funny... but world history is worse. control freak... id love nothing more than to give her a good whack on the head with my biology textbook... *sigh* one can only hope.... oh, and can they stop with the guilt tripping already? i'm starting to wish i wasn't taking health... wait, i take that back. i never wanted to take it anyway, so i really wish i wasn't taking it. but it's awful, given what i know about me and.. certain others... *ahem* and apparently, New Zealand is north of Australia. sorry, Imogen, i wasn't in that group... WE had it in the right place. our drawing kinda sucked but you were on our map :) so yeah. thats life... just gotta tell you i'm proud of you. get well soon, miss you already :( peace, love, and pineapple,

oh, and btw, chlo, have u noticed the common abbreviation for this site? irony, anyone?

and i need to take a pill to make this town feel okay so. do you know how hard it is not to do things you promised not to? especially when school is here and nothing could make me feel better than to get out of it for a while. no, i'm not feeling it now, just getting the piled-up emotions from the last few days out. so i realized something has happened this year that also happened last year- there's a hottie im my homeroom and one in my math class. not like any of you care, im just letting you know. my stomach hurts. psychosomatic symptoms? ha. i'm not the one who's nervous as hell... maybs im picking them up from you. its slightly funny how many different 'you's i refer to here... anyway. i have a strange habit now of talking to you when im really stressed or really feeling the pressure... even though ur not there and its slightly creeping me out. but anyway. i was blatantly flirting with CC this afternoon right b4 i left school. hes the hottie in my hmrm. it was pretty funny, especially seeing as i dont like him that much anymore. oh well who says i cant have a little fun... well wish me luck with school, i'll need it i've started writing lyrics, too. theyre kinda crappy but ohwell peace love pineapples Raiya

then they're things that you miss i've always loved that line. Matchbox Twenty is amazing

well. i'm back, as of last night. I've been in Maine since Friday. i know i told you that, chlo, i'm NOT ignoring you. [i could NEVER ignore you.] anyway.... i had a ton to say, seeing as i havent posted in FOREVER. and i planned it all out last night... and then i forgot. sooo.. not much happening today. =/ i have a lovely blister on my right thumb where i burned it... i put an empty mug (which i thot was full) in the microwave.... yeah. not fun. i have never in my life experienced such pain. it hurt like all hell. my entire right hand felt like it was on fire for a full day. but anyhoo... its so frickin cold in my house.. and im still in my PJ's :) but i am content with myself, for a while at least. which is good. best of luck to ya, chica. i'm always here for you. [you know who you are] peace love and pineapples, Zaraiya!

i'm just gone beyond repair so. i'm at mieolhc's house. we're listening to Never Too Late, 3 day's grace. good song. my stomach hurts. bleh. i cleaned my desk today. i feel good now :) school starts in 2 wks exactly. yuck. i had an "insight into my psyche" the other night- i figured out why i like cities so much. there's actually enough emotions in those places to make me feel them. to fill my emptiness. i actually feel whole. and i had another one last night while i was on the phone- all i want from a relationship is commitment. but i'll never be able to give total commitment myself. what with my being able to pick apart my emotions, some little part of me will doubt my love for any guy. so i will never truly be able to open up completely to anyone. omg, chloe's dancing. anyhoo... grr. lost my train of thought. somebody come say hello- KittyKat_13@verizon.net might be back later, might not. hugs! peace luv pineapples!