please disregard last entry. (deleted) merely a typo. i tend to overreact like that... oh, and the rock Base threw at us? it wasn't a rock. a goddamn gummi bear.

just close your eyes, you'll never see me crashing down... some kid in my ceramics class brought in the Saosin album. highest point of my day. shall we start at the beginning? 1. *A* was almost crying at lunch. k was pressing to find out why. nate stood up for *A*. k and Nate started fighting. i told them BOTH to calm down and leave *A* alone. k stalks off without a word and hasn't spoken to me since. 2. S and 'Base' have been fighting all week. yesterday she wanted to make amends. he didn't want to hear it. today, she said she wants nothing to do with him anymore. he doesn't want anything to do with her. and i still like him... which is a problem because my entire group is mad at him, and because 3. he's being a bitch! he knows i need to talk to him. but i couldn't get him to leave his fan club behind. i was so damn obvious. and he didn't even notice. i was talking to TS (who's amazing, btw) and i said i had to FIND THE PERSON I NEEDED TO TALK TO.... right in front of him. and i looked right at him. and then i walked away... and later, me and Chloe were walking down the hallway past the courtyard... he runs up to the door as we're walking past and throws a rock at it. at us. by way of 'hello'. nice kid, huh? i'm so pissed at him it's not even funny. 4. i was locked out of my house this afternoon and had to go to the neighbors' house and borrow their key for my house. 5. i almost- no. i did start crying on the bus home. i just can't deal with this all at once... well now i have his email. we'll see how this goes... x x x he's not replying. scheisse.

i think i am officially OVER CC. which is really good. i mean, don't get me wrong- i still think he's really hott, but.... i can live without him. i've moved on... ..to a guy who feels "pressured" [his own words] to go out with KB. and he said he might. right. screwed again... tryouts tonite. lawyer was last nite, witness today. i'm so gonna fail this... well. so glad to have friends like Nate and Chlo. he's been really supportive thru 'all this' and she's the best :) luv ya both. Frieden, Liebe und Ananas!

from day one i talked about getting out but not forgetting about how all my worst fears were letting out he said, 'why put a new address on the same old loneliness' when breathing just passes the time until we all just get old and die now talking's just a waste of breath and living'e just a waste of death and why put a new address on the same old loneliness and this is you and me, and me and you, until we've got nothing left * * * * * * * * pete wentz is amazing

last night was SO much fun. it was one of the best parties i've been to this year. TJ dunked his entire head when we were bobbing for apples and Nate was wearing eyeliner. that kid does makeup better than me.. no fair. :( it was amazing.. other than one or two things. one, the kid i like in my group never showed, and two, at the end (i left an hour early, grr i hate parents) i got depressed because Tigger had just gotten there and I didn't want to leave. but when i got home... i just wanted to cry. i took a shower to get all the dye out of my hair and i just felt so awful i couldn't stand. i just crouched there, arms wrapped around my legs, and rocked back and forth... i wanted to curl up and die. i thought i was drugged because i had never felt that horrible before. i was... really scared. i didn't want to go on living with my family but i didn't want to die. i never want to feel like that again. i'm afraid of what i'd do if it happened again. homecoming is tonight. i can't go- don't have a date, don't have a ticket, and worst of all, mom wouldn't let me go anyway. so alone... mieolhc is going with E. Tay is going with TJ. *A* is going with Nate. S is going with JC. K is going with B. Tigger is going with TS. CC is probably going with H. and i'm not going at all. and base wanted to go with HG. wonderful how my life works out.. and K says her life sucks. who is she kidding? anyways, its raining and i am kinda depressed. what else is new?

i hit it last night. i can't do this. i can't do this. i can't do this. he knows. and she knew that he knew. knew that he knew for weeks. and didn't say a word. so now he's not talking to me. and i can't talk to her because it's too painful. he's always with her. i said i wouldn't let another guy screw me up like this again. so why have i? i ;'can get over him', you say. i say i can't and you say i will. but how do i explain that i just can't? how do i explain... anything... that has to do with him? i've wanted to cry for the last week straight. and haven't been able to. not the time. not the place. not the company. 'do you think i told him?' yes, yes. i don't know how she hit on that so fast. but what do i say? 'i don't know. i don't know what to think anymore.' and that is the truth- i don't know what to think anymore. i don't want to think anymore. 'she begs the world to just let her go...'

my 53rd entry. so proud. i know i just posted like 20 mins ago but i started reading some of my older entries, the ones from the very beginning, and just holy crap... i never realized how much BETTER i was doing. i shouldn't have been worrying about the depression thing today- i know i've improved since last year. nothing to fear on that front. still need to learn to let go. i started writing a song about CC and H- best way to get my feelings out. wish me luck- how many times have i said that? -and how many times have i really needed it? and Imogen- i'm here for you, so one friend cares about you, even if i'm half a world away. virtual hugs, hope they help

only a 13 on the depression screening. they won't think i have issues. good. that is, of course, counting on the fact that they never find out i lied. my numbers should have been higher. well, who said i cared? anyways. i found out today just how annoying [awful] it is to be H's friend. it's impossible to talk t her alone. which i need to do. "you don't just walk up to someone and say, 'hello, i'm in love with your boyfriend'...it just doesn't work." so this afternoon i tried to talk to her at her locker. she hugs me, i try to talk- nope. she has to go hug JK's brother. ('he only gives me one hug a day, he hates hugs') then she comes back, and i try to talk again- "are you staying after tomorrow?" "yeah, i think so" i look around; somehow CC has magically appeared at my shoulder. "-good, i have to talk to you." she gets up and hugs him- and i mumble goodbye and walk away. i can't stand there and watch them, or wait for them. this is killing me. 'are you dying yet?' 'yeah...'[look away] 'well, your music is your IV' and today i was told i was pretty. by Shannon Quinn. and Bria. I laughed. and E knows now. a fourth in on the secret. well, you didn't really hit him with a train like you did to me, did you? and *A* is still in denial. isn't life grand? 'have to start to be myself cause i'm sick of everybody else'

i googled my name (Zaraiya) and apparently it's a) not as unique as i thought [Results 11 - 20 of about 4,920 for Zaraiya. (0.19 seconds) ] and b) actually a real name. but the first 2 hits were me :) so that was cool. my real name is even more popular. swear i'm changing it when i grow up. *** anyhoo. i made E promise he wouldnt go looking for my journal. and i have a question- purely hypothetical of course. lol. only the people who had lunch with me today will get that, and none of them read this. so we've established that i like (love) CC and that he's going out with H. but i know *something* about CC that i dunno of she knows... and i think maybs she should. she is his girlfriend after all. the problem is, how do i ask her if she knows? if i ask her straight out, 'did you know blah about CC' and she says no, then i just told her and broke his confidance. but if she knows, then she may be like holy fuck! nobodys supposed to know that!! then what do i say? sorry, i thought it was more important to find out that you know than keep his secret? god. im in over my head. i cant take it anymore.. all the hugging, how he holds her with her feet off the ground for five frickin minutes while i wait awkwardly for a minute to get a word in edgewise... so close, yet so far. it's another wasted year... and on top of him being out of reach, i think maybs i'm starting to like a kid who's practically going out with *A*. maybe its just that i trust him. more than E, which is saying sumthing, since ive turned to E more than once for advice. maybe it's just that i spilled everything to him at the football game. maybe its just cuz he's so damn cute. fuzzy little teddy bear kind of guy. i hug him every day... pretty funny. and on top of that... well lets not go there. i dont wanna think about that. and on top of that, depression screening tomorrow. 2nd period. im gonna DIE. i'll fail it, they'll tell my parents im clinically depressed... just what i need. lovely. well email me, kiddies, im bored. world history homework doesnt cut it. KittyKat_13@verizon.net welcome to the what?

im gone for four days and everything falls apart. four days. four days and my life flips completely upside down. you gave in. joyce and the boys are leaving. i dont really blame you for giving in, though. i think i would have done the same thing. i'd call you right now, but if i did i wouldn't know what to say. i think i'd cry. 'how can we make things right, just wanna make this right...' i think black is in order for tomorrow, hmm? this is so surreal. i mean, it was so obvious that this would happen sooner or later. i just didnt think it's be this soon. she's just up and leaving? ...how are the guys feeling? and letting E read.. are you sure? i dont want him finding mine. i really dont. he already knows im screwed up, im rather less oblique than you, i think. especially since half my entries are directed to you. f u c k . so now what? .. how can i hide this?? im gonna show sumthing, by accident. the 'rents will pick up on something. and i wont be able to lie my way out of it. shit, what do i do? what am i supposed to do? and on top of this- CC and H are back together. and i cant take it. someone send help before life drowns me.