i think i pissed her off... crap.

i should get her help but help would only hurt her more what do i do? i'm falling apart. for her. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! it HAS to stop. and don't you feel guilty when you read this. it's not your fault.

but do i like the cake? that won't make sense unless you've read Touching Spirit Bear by Ben Mikaelsen...which you should. incredibly good book. but anyhoo. did i mention i bought black and white "gingham" emo gloves w/ red bows on them? ..they sound so girly, described like that. but they're really cool. i painted my nails to match- alternating black +red... such fun. i also bought A Lesson In Romantics. i absolutely love it. Mayday Parade is now my hero :) grr. they were HERE a few days ago with Warped Tour... AND I COULDNT GO! i'll go cry in solitude... not really. wat WILL make me cry sbout not seeing is Projekt Revolution... Linkin Park. MCR. Saosin. and more!! all in one place!! at one time!! gaah its the concert of a lifetime!! ..and it's on my mum's birthday. bah. "the answer boils down to 'fat chance'." grr. not cool. "does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?" oh and Mel, your episode of loneliness the other night? i get those all the time. its no big deal. you get used to it, scary as it sounds. i never wanted to feel that way ever again either. yet... i realized a few weeks ago that All That I'm Living For (evanescence) sounds an awful lot like a description of dissociation... did you notice that, chlo? gawd. still afraid of being cornered alone with my mother... how much does she know? how much did she read? how much can i trust her? all the what-ifs are coming back full force. i haven't felt right since friday. i'll probly never feel the same again. there's nothing quite like having your trust in someone shattered. ...not that i ever really trusted her anyway. =/ i don't think i can deal with this now. school starts in 2 or 3 weeks. my friends... well, lets not go there. each has their own troubles that i really dont want to get involved in.. Chloe's parents. Tay's boy. Anna's brother, if he's not ok by now. Kel's... well Kel is Kel so she always has something to bitch about. Sneha's "NetNanny" that she complains about. and then there's me... ha. little old almost-emo me. i started hating my (NEW!) gloves last night. or was it the night before last? i have no idea wat day it is anymore. but anyway. oh! it was Friday. EVERYTHING happened on friday. my dad asked me, "do u consider yourself emo?" and i was like, "not really... i'm just me." but... i dont want to be labeled. i just want to be me. but by wearing them, i'll be labeled EMO. i'm already labeled a GEEK. is it impossible to just be ME?? (thats a rhetorical question, btw. the answer is a resounding NO.) i also realized the other day how long it's been since i hugged anyone and they meant it. i always mean it. but they, whoever they are, never do. i'm there if they break down and fall, but... if i fall on them they'll catch me too late. i started writing lyrics. they're pretty crappy. but meh... they're saying the truth. they'll never be sung, but at least they're there. well sorry bout the extremely long rant tonight. just had so much come up.... peace love and pineapples

i just realized how long it was since the last time i posted... ...and how good it felt to spill everything to complete strangers. thx to all... listening to Thunder, Boys Like Girls. love that song. Projekt Revolution on the 24th. trying to convince the 'rents to let me go. wish me luck, kids...

oh god. its at times like this that i wish i could still believe. the reason? my mother read my journal/diary. not this one- my actual, honest-to-goodness diary. and now she almost knows something i've been trying to keep from her from months. all my care in covering it up. blown in a day. in less than five minutes. i swear i could cry. i'm not sure what bothers me more, though- the fact that she knows, or the fact that she read the stupid diary. i'll never write in it again, thats for sure. i can't trust her anymore. i don't feel safe with my soul bared in that thing. i don't feel safe leaving it alone with her. i feel SO unsafe that i brought it to my friend's house and left it there. if i keep it here, who's to say she won't go read it again? and she wants me to be able to talk to her. hate to break it to ya, but i haven't been able to truly talk to you in years. I just can't trust her! and... that's that. there is no "and" anything. i can't trust her and that's the end of the story. i'm going to New Hampshire with my friend's family for a couple days next week. i can't wait to get out of my house and not have to deal with my parents. they have a separate guest house up there and i'm hoping i can somehow get it to myself. just me, myself, and i. and my music. a house of my own, for two or three or four days. now wouldn't that be nice? ahhh well. chances are i'll be sharing a room with my friend. but, that'll be all right. my parents won't be there, so i will be free. absolutely free. i can't wait to feel that weight lift from my shoulders.... but anyways. getting rambly. Taylor- its up to you what you do now. ask him out, but only if that's what you really want. if he's worth liking, he'll respect your feelings. give him a few days and he'll be fine with it, i think. he's cool like that. whatever you do, though, think before you act. don't make the same mistakes I did. good luck, kiddo. anyways I must go, i think. lunchtime, loveys. food... "yummy!" as always, yours truly, much love, yadda yadda yadda. Peace, Love, and Pineapples, Zaraiya

i'd like to get off who knew i could quote Calvin and Hobbes when i'm kinda weirding out? especially when the quote comes from Hobbes (a stuffed animal, a tiger) when he's all dizzy from being in the dryer, not a kid who feels like their life is spiraling out of control... my head feels like its gonna frickin split open. gaah. is it a headache, stress, or something i invented so i'd have something to write about? i dont know. i dont care. so for some (strange) reason i am finding myself drawn to this kid at camp. dunno why- i mean, Nathan- aka Emo Hottie cuz he was wearin all black the first day, also from camp - is by FAR better looking. so why Patrick? again, ikd + id(really)c. lol, it feels weird using their first names instead of nicknames i've made up for reference, seeing as i've barely talked to either of them. come to think of it, i've barely talked to anyone at camp. go figure. but so yeah. thats really all i can think of to say. Kyle (who sits next to me and who looks like TW) is really nice and has awesome shoes. but he's pretty ugly, and seems to be goin out w/ Allison. havent talked to her either. odd, isnt it, that the only two girls in a program otherwise full of guys arent talking to each other? (not on purpose, i assume. i'm just bad at starting convos- i told her i liked her shoes and she said thanks. that was my entire interaction w/ her 2day.) its funny, despite not knowing anyone in my group, i havent gotten in-a-crowd-and-all-alone feelings yet. which i suppose is good... =/ had another spat w/ mum this morning... only four years till i can move out...counting down the days grr. she'll be home any minute now. :( i prolly oughts to go, since i kinda have nuthin left to say... email me- KittyKat_13@verizon.net i'd luv sum1 to talk to. well, my friend is on the fone. gots to go. pc luv + pineappls raiya

and i dont know why... but im not crazy im just a little unwell i know, right now you cant tell but stay a while, baby, then you'll see a different side of me how true... stay long enough and you'll see i'm the exact opposite of what i seem. im not as bubbly as you think i am, guys. it's been a long time since i last posted... so i'll try to keep this brief. went to camp in NH, which actually took us to ME; went whitewater rafting; fell out of the raft. thats right. i frickin fell out of the raft. it was AWESOME. went back to ME, w/ family; 'twas fun. now im here, wishing i was somewhere else. almost. im going to a day camp now. it has a digital photo effects program that im taking. super awesome.. id post pics if i could. but i dont know how :( hottie count for today is up to 2... much better record than the lat weeks. i averaged 3 in the last 2 wks. now 2 in a day.. feeling lucky? maybs? so yeah. my dissociation is getting better, i think.. which only means its not as frequent. good? bad? i dunno... i kinda like floating. i dont have to put up w/ evry1 else, just me. remember 'depression to the point of clarity'? thats really my dissociation. lovely, isnt it? and i LIKE it. scary? maybs. not to me. comfortable. familiar. something that actually feels like home. ehhh well... happier things. his name is Patrick. and his name is Nathan. hotties from camp. Patrick looks like a Pat. Nathan doesnt look like a Nate. watevs. i sound like SUCH a girly girl. a ditzy blond girly girl. worse than *A*- she's a blond girlygirl but SHE'S not ditzy. and i'm not blond. haha. well anyway i have to go do dishes. dad's not feeling well and mom is out, so it falls to me... *sigh* maybs i'll bback 2morro. maybs not. peace, love, and pineapples, Zaraiya :) quote of the week: "this is Ultimate Adventure, not Ultimate Frickin' Shopping!!"

it turns out, through self-diagnosis and the opinion of a friend, that i am mildly dissociative. luvly. so my dissociation scares you. you scare me. we're even. i don't mind it so much... it's more comfortable than being connected to the world. but anyway... my cousin comes tonight!! yay! and then i'm leaving tomorrow for camp, so i wont be posting for about a week. sorry. i know i'm just soooo entertaining... NOT. sooo yeah. apparently, my group for camp is staying in tents in MAINE. not in camp. in freaking MAINE. 5 hours from home. is that far enough away? [probably not] maybs a week of strenous activity will alleviate my dissociation. i like big words. yay! but yeah... i'm bored. email me- KittyKat_13@verizon.net luv always. peace luv and pineapples....

i was having such a good time last night. then my dad asked me to watch his laptop so i sat there next to it while he went off somewhere and i watched all my friends having fun like six feet away from me. i felt cut off from... everything, i guess. and everything just rolled in... then later, dad said we were going to leave in like 15 minutes. we all went and gave our bowling shoes back. i must have looked sad or angry cuz *A* was like, "what's wrong?" so of course i said, "nothing". i made it seem like it was just that i was leaving in 15 minutes that made me all sad and crap... but it wasnt just that. i've been on edge for the last... oh, i dunno, three or four days. anticipating a breakdown that wouldn't come. and last night, it came. partially, anyway. i think there's gonna be another, a bigger one, within the next week. (especially if i keep listening to Disenchanted three times a day =P) but seriously... multiple personalities, much. one is bracing for the breakdown. another fights the breakdown back. the third watches the others a keeps up a running commentary. i'm insane? possibly. i need a therapist? definitely. i'm going to ask my parents to put me in therapy? never. well, you want to be a psychiatrist, don't you? here i am, your first patient... and now i just spilled a lot to a guy i don't really know, and i'm not even sure why. i just sort of did. i mean, E is a good guy, but do i really want him knowing i'm screwed up? fuck it all. i'm on a seesaw, emotionally. up and down, up and down... mood swings. PMS? dont know. wouldn't tell you if i did. human emotions suck.

haha, i'm quoting you, Chloe. lol. so- to explain firsty, almost every time i like a guy, i end up hating him after i get over him. and i JUST figured out why, after like 3 yrs. of this pattern- like 2 seconds ago. like, i always have to convince myself of my feelings. which explains that awful little pattern i go thru- love/hate, love/hate. i have to convince myself that yes, i truly do like him, and then when i get over him, my anger at myself for convincing myself he was the one is directed at him b/c i dont want to admit i was wrong. does that suck or what? i hate myself sometimes. can't i hust admit to myself that, hell yeah, people make mistakes. so if i'm making mistakes, hey, i'm just human. meh. soooo... i miss CC, just a bit. i think i'm over him- and i dont hate him. thats progress, i guess. and now i *think* i like this kid who supposedly kinda likes *A*. but not as much as b4... so thats good i guess. well... the summer gives me plenty of time to sort myself out. peace, luv, and pineapples,