..but she'll be back on tuesday. meh. well, i guess i cant keep my happiness forever... jk. im not actually that happy that she's gone. meh. but anyway.. i decided i'm gonna pretend less. it's not like my *ahem* "friends" actually notice anyway. and if she did notice, its not like she'd really care. she's too bubbly to bother with a little nobody like me. ...i'm sorry; did i say "she"? oops, haha. may as well be honest with myself. SHE DOES NOT NOTICE when i am depressed or bothered. and its like, i dont want sympathy, but if she noticed at least I know she'd care. that's the other question- does she not see it b/c im HIDING it, or is she that stupid/oblivious, or does she just not care? i gotta know before this totally wrecks our friendship. MY doubts, killing everything. Just a normal day... god, now i'm gonna cry. i just emailed her everything i just said to you all... god, she's gonna hate me tomorrow. if i believed in God, i'd be praying right now. but at the age of 14 going on 2, i know better. well much love kiddies. feel better than me... wallowing in my imagined shadows and pretended dreams, my created pain and darkened soul. well, there goes my good mood. i was totally laughing over the Spanish version of Whenever (shakira, eww. but its so funny cuz its in Spanish and i am NOT bilingual. lol, i have no clue wat she's saying.) and now i'm listening to Defying Gravity (from Wicked) which just reminds me of her. *sniff* gawd, guyz, i cant do this. peace luv and pineapples 'raiya oh yeah- on the bright side, i'm starting to come around to Tay's viewpoint on CC. lol. i don't know why, but i'm feeling lucky on that front...

to The Firm: people do read our journals and they do care. ur a guy, u dont know anything about 13-year-old girls. ha. i read your journal. and u said people wouldn't. i'll take that ten bucks now, please and i'll quote my friend on this one: "hey poindexter, go fuck a meatball!" lots of luv, sucker noitigam, u ROX. thx for standin up for all us 13 yr olds here... and in response to The Firm's second post: what do i expect from a 15 yr old boy? how about a little respect and a little tolerance? oh, and maybs a little maturity. that would be nice. maturity enough not to go around insulting people you don't know. thnx a ton, bud. Zaraiya

you can find out firsthand what it's like to be me that's how i felt all day... yeah. felt like total crap. another day wasted going to school and doing MCAS... wahoo. luvly fun, that is. sooo yeah... and then i came home and finished Forever in Blue. the last Traveling Pants book. sooo good... felt so inspired and uplifted. yay! so i had a complete turnaround- i made a major decision here. im gonna ask CC to the dance on the 14th. when the right moment comes, i'll know. and i'll do it. and the funny thing is, i wont really care if he says yes or no. the satisfaction will be in actually getting up the courage to ask him and letting him know i like him. (and then i'll be totally fuckin gorgeous at the dance so if he says no he'll regret it haha :) )so yeah... wish me luck! o yeah- im officially 14. u can see how mich of a big deal that is at my house by the way i almost forgot about it. my B-day was yesterday :) and CC remembered :) he asked me a question and was like oh, happy birthday, by the way, and i was like o thanx! and nikita was all like OH! Happy Birthday! (yes, she definiteley used caps) and i was happy ...and we got new seats in math today. i now sit next to *him*. i cant stand *him* anymore. yuck. long story; dont ask; DONT wanna talk about it. and CC no longer sits at all near me. :( tear tear. my chances are now closer to zilch than ever before... but the funny thing is, as the BarraKuda announced it, CC said *something* to me... i didnt understand what it was. but did i hear... regret? in his voice? hmmm... regret at what, though? not being able to talk w/ ali and me or just regret that we had to change seats at all? i really dont know.... gimme a day or two on this. i. think. i'm. in. love. maybs. dunno wat 'love' is really suposed to mean; but ill find out sooner or later. damn, im really desperate for a boyfriend... o well. theres only 1 guy i'll take as a bf right now and i've heard he already has a gf and he'd nvr like me like that neway...:( sooo yeah... ali's party was funner than sneha's... sry u guyz couldnt go, chlo and tay... some fave quotes: "must we have deeply philosophical conversations over cake and ice cream? it just feels WRONG!" ~me "you missed all the boobfun" ~Hana "pinkies don't swear..." ~Hannah (followed by a middle-finger-swear substituted for a pinky-swear) "the book of doom and destruction" ~Hannah again ..can't remember any more off the top of my head, sry. sooo much fun tho... and the best part is that Hana's bf Dean thinks it was a coed party. when it was really all girls. so she's gonna tell him we stayed up late playing "really fun games" and talking about "sketchy stuff"... lol. luv her soo much. tay and chlo, u guyz wood have luved her too. must go now, have social studies homework to do and mosquitos to fend off... haha, mosquitos. but that's a story for another entry. remind me to tell that one and the one about the truck and the premonition... KittyKat_13@verizon.net peace luv and pineapples

...or so they said. i dunno who "they" is but there's been a whole lotta truble over what they wrote in the 8th grade bathroom... basically threats against the whole school. so they searched our backpacks this morning and everything... wat a waste of time. i hate my school. cannot wait for WA. its gonna rock even if i get lost because we won't have the BarraKuda any more nor will we have mr cohen the asshole principal. wat school pride... actually there's not much there to be proud of, but watevs. so i've been thinking... this one line in Famous Last Words. "So many bright lights that cast a shadow". regardless of wat evryone here says about that line, it kinda got me thinkin about my own life. If every bright light casts a shadow, then i think i'm entering the one cast by my sunburst the other day. (see 5/5 entry if u don't know wat i'm talking about) ehh yeah. so life= getting suckier. i keep fogetting that my birthday is on Monday cuz theres so much other shit going on in my life right now. and now my BFF has gone to DC for the weekend and crap so i have no one to bitch about my life to... ...on the plus side, im borrowing like 7 or 8 CDs of hers, which rox. i *hope* ill get the Black Parade for my birthday... or FOB tickets, but i know thats not gonna happen. :( depressing... ES is going w/o parents, i am so jealous... oh well... soooo.... yeah. not much else to say 'cept CC is reeeally hott and talks to me like A LOT... he rox. i luv him peace luv and pineapples! Zaraiya email me- KittyKat_13@verizon.net

and living's just a waste of death" ~Fall Out Boy, Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows) love that line. how appropriate, too, eh? anyway... sorry no posts since Thursday. To fill you all in on the events since then: Thurs: stayed up till 10:30 to finish my Lewis and Clark project. and didn't finish. not even close. Fri: got up at 5:30 to finish. didn't get to school until 7:40. then had to watch all my friends in band chorus or orchestra head off to Great East competition and then to SixFlags. i was supposed to go with them, but the 'rents wouldnt let me. suxed. a lot. but i went shopping that afternoon so all was well :) Sat: riding lesson was AWESOME! rode Dante (the little pony that threw me twice at the last show, lol) and cantered and stuff... i did really well, so my instructor says. i luv her. she pushes us really hard but the end result is awesome. just like me :P jk. later went to the food drive in Lowell. was fun. met cute guy

helloo.... sorry i havent posted in a little while, and this is gonna be a quick one cuz i have a major social studies project to do... friggin map of the lewis and clark expedition. this sux. a lot. the map is freaking hand drawn (and it looks absolutely smashing if i do say so myself, despite being less than half done) and its taking me FOREVER... shit. i'm nvr gonna finish it... o well. i think i failed the frigging science essays... i cant wait for my first-ever F. lovely thot there. well parents are still being bitches. dont have time to go into detail (sry. but its not like anyone wants to listen to me bitch... or read it for that matter) mom is going away for 5 days soon and I CANT WAIT... gonna try to get out of the house wearing eyeliner. erm... excuses... school pictures? nah, thats over... 'it's a look, dad. mom won't let me try it out but i thot maybs u wood...' thats not gonna work either. i'll work one out, no worries. well i must run. sorry this is so short and lacking in details. i'll try to come back to this stuff l8r. peace, love and pineapples,

gonna repeat WishingForYou's sentiment on this one- congrats boredude! hope life keeps getting better for ya :) luvs ya all

at least mine do. can't stand them any more! every nite its the same convo- mom tells dad 'you're eating too much!' and she proceeds to bitch about his eating habits and how he used to be skinny and blah blah blah... i zone out and roll my eyes. fuck u mom, shut the hell up, i dont care... and then tonite they were arguing about this project i'm supposed to be doing and how i haven't started the map yet (it's due on friday! i'm not worried! fuck school!) and how she thinks my music is to blame- which its not. its really background noise, i dont pay much attention to it at all! and she's just like no it is! u have to take it off ur comp! and im like NO! freaking not gonna happen! fuck u! ...not that i actually said that to her... but still, pissed the frick off. its like, wtf did i do wrong? and the answer is.. drumroll please... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! and it PISSES ME OFF! i cant wait till i can get out of this fucking town and live far far away from them. maybs i'll move to the north pole. then i wont have to deal w/ anyone but myself. and it will be mine, all mine... heh heh... jk. but seriously... college in four years. i can live for that long, right? i can only hope...*rolls eyes* hey chlo + tay, can i move in w/ one of u guys? btw, peeps, supersize me is the nastiest movie i've ever seen. don't watch it. ick. anyhoo... no important convos w/ CC to fill u in on :( sad, i know. but watevs. i swear i'm gonna go into withdrawal w/o my music. its wat i need to LIVE, i tell u. but i needs must go, dearies. luv u all and all my usual shit.

pray for them, if u believe... they're gonna need it. i'm hanging by such a thread. by day, i'm like the spazziest person u can meet. my friend's stepmom said i was 'glowing' and 'blossoming'. right. she has no fuckin idea. so then at night, ya no, once the sun goes down and the dark sets in, the same transition takes place in my soul. is this normal? for me, prolly; for any sane, normal person, probably not. u no the song imaginary by evanescence? that line about the paper flowers always made me think they'd just dissolve if it rained. i'm one of those flowers. it starts raining and i'm depressed and out in it, i fall apart. completely. sometimes my 'depression to the point of clarity'. sometimes to the point of crying. right now, its raining inside watever is left of my soul. i think, if i could step out of my life, if i could step out of my body, if i could see the world thru someone else's eyes, i could be so much happier. but i can't, and so i'm not. which sux. im sorta afraid that this pattern- happy/depressed. happy/depressed. wake up-crash-cheer up-crash-fall asleep- will never end. i'll be like that for the rest of my life. even worse, i wont be able to hide it any longer and my friends will find out how fucked up i really am. ha, i "drop the f-bomb" way too much in this journal. and i bitch way too much. and complain and whine and crap. all about things not really worth complaining about. and myself. self-hatred is one thing that i'm really good at. so is finding and bitching about my own insufficiencies. to quote linkin park: "i dont know what's worth fighting for or why i have to scream i dont know why i instigate and say wat i dont mean i dont know how i got this way i'll never be alright so i'm breaking the habit i'm breaking the habit tonight I'll paint it on the walls cuz i'm the one at fault i'll never fight again and this is how it ends" except that i CAN'T break this habit. i am the one at fault, but i'm still fighting. myself. my friends. my parents. conformity. society. basically, even life itself sometimes. this isnt how it ends though- it will never end. for me there is no light at the end of the tunnel; for all i know, the tunnel could have no end. for all i know, i could be walking in circles. all i know is that i keep hitting the walls and splattering, putting myself back together. the wrong way. there seems to be no right way to put myself back together. at least my life isnt what's shattering- i still have something to fall back on. my life support. i dont know if my unicorns will make it. we'll see. you'll all be invited to the memorial service if they don't. rsvp- KittyKat_13@verizon.net one thing i do know- i like metaphors way too much. and make them too elaborate. and bore you all with my poetic bitching (isnt that ironic?) luv u all

haha how retarded is that? i'm taking German at school yet here i am speakin spanish... go figure. life is not so sucky anymore! yay! but... i know myself too well. gotta enjoy this while i can, b/c it wont be long till i fall apart again. ah well. so... wats new... hmmm.. 2day was really boring. me + Ali played tennis w/ Dan and Brad in gym. it was really funny. i thinks maybs (dont kill me chlo) maybs little teeny tiny crushy voice in the back of my head.... scaring myself. so. i have *achoo* cat hair *ack* all over my *pfft* face and *bleck* keyboard. my kitty's being a sweetie tho. hes so cute. nvmd, he just bit me. anyhoo, u can tell i'm bored when i'm talking about my freakin CAT... =^..^= Transformations of etc. etc. went well... but no one got the reference. no one even asked :( twas so sad... ha. i luv screwing around on the comp when im supposed to be doing homework. this is so much more rewarding than stuff i'll forget in 2 days. I"M LEAVIN MY MARK ON HUMANITY! THIS IS SO MUCH COOLER THAN STUFF I HATE! just had to get that out. ha, my only mark is freakin u all out. o well... wat else. not much, too be honest. I'm pretty boring when i'm not depressed or hyper. :( oh yeah- I HATE THE BARRAKUDA! she is absoulutely the WORST teacher i've ever had. i swear. such a bitch. the only good thing is that CC sits in the row next to me and 1 seat up in math so if BarraKuda says something really ridiculous or incredibly stupid we glance @ each other and start laughing... and we talk alot instead of working... jeezus, i really am a slacker! haha! luv it. ...CC also has the locker next to mine *sigh* jk, jk. not THAT obsessed. anyway, today, i asked him wat books we needed to bring home. a short convo ensues and he leaves... but he said bye! i dunno if he was just bein polite or if like, well, u no, but i dont really wanna get my hopes up. cuz i know hope is the last thing i have in this situation. :( but it's not the first time he's done that... one day i went back to school after hours (ugh, i no) to get a textbook. he was there for peer mediators (he is one. otherwise he wouldnt be there. i swear, i don't think he could ever get into a fight with someone). so i started chatting w/ him and a couple other kids (ND and TG) and when the convo kinda lulled i was like, 'well i gotta go cya' and he said bye. no one else seemed to notice that i was goin. i guess i should be glad that i have his friendship, sorta, but i want more, to be honest.i wanna like ask him to the last dance but he's way too popular for me. he has the most gorgeous eyes... ah fuck that. i've been on the sidelines for so long, waiting longer can't possibly kill me. i dont think i could take being rejected by him. *sigh...* well hope ur life is less borin than mine...:)