its like 95 degrees here. yuck. anyway, i have discovered bayside. (thx, chlo) The Walking Wounded is a great album. i luv Landing Feet First. not much to report on the ppl front in my life, cept that i *think* i have a crush on a guy who supposedly likes one of my "biffles". :( oh well. such is life, eh? oh, and my desktop image is Chester Bennington

been so long since i last posted... and i have nuthin to say. and not enough time to write anything meaningful. bback tomorrow

soo... felt like crap today. for no reason. scared. anxious. excited. [depressed] i have another one of my killer headaches... haven't had an awful one in a while. forgot how much this sucks... update on the dance: havent asked him yet. i have exactly a week. i'm gonna do it no matter wat... running out of time and startin to feel the pressure... and HE is going with Anna. frankly, i dont give a shit what he does. or, at this point, her either. the only request i made of her was, "just dont make me talk to him. dont make me be nice...." i know, im such a sweet little kid. but like i said, I DONT GIVE A FUCK. ...actually, i dont care about much of anything anymore... binge eating when i'm not hungry, not eating when i am hungry. i just dont feel like eating anymore.... force-feeding myself a lot. and food i love doesnt taste like anything.. clinical depression? weelll... i guess i owe a couple people a promise. so this goes to Anna, Tay, Kel, Sneha, Linds... but mostly Melinda, Emma, and Chloe- I promise you all, as long as i can hold out, I WILL NOT CUT. i feel kinda better now.. well must go kiddies. love

and dont look back dont stop, bury me and fade to black... weeell... i bought a dress :) and HE asked me to the dance. ewww. so of course i said no. and now my friends are all like omg!! what the hell is your problem?? he freakin asked you and you said no??? and im like its my choice and I CANT STAND HIM!! so why the fuck would i say yes???? they KNOW i dont like him. they KNOW hes really annoying to me- he freaking STARES at me ALL THE TIME!!! why and plus, i'm asking CC to the dance. i cant very well go w/ 2 ppl now can i? but my dress is pretty and [almost] all is well. i'm trying to write lyrics for a song. [like i'll ever be able to sing it. right.] but hey, its worth a try. i'll post them when they're done :) sooo.. we find out classes for next year on monday... i cant wait a whole week!! gaaah!! course selections next monday. yearbooks next tuesday. Canobie next wednesday. dance next thursday. (wish me luck) last day next friday. CANT WAIT!! peace luv and- YES! FINALLY!- pineapples

in science today we dissected cooked chicken wings (eww!) and we had to use scalpels and stuff... my science teacher was like talking about OMG DONT CUT YOURSELF and said "cut" every 2 seconds and it was like holy freakin shit... nvr expected this to sound so personal... and then we got the dissection kit... Kel grabbed the scalpel and was like, (my name here), im keepin this away from u... and i was like holy crap it was just b/c of the nightmare i had.. when i was 100% awake. i told the whole possey bout it. soo creepy... so i was sitting alone in my dads car. ttly depressed cuz my LA project was dying. (tay, member that?) so i was just sitting there and it was like one of those ife-flashed-before-my-eyes moments that happen in movies.. but it was more a premonition. i saw clearly myself. sitting on the floor, cutting my arms. not like my wrists but like from wrist to elbow diagonally. and i heard a truck go behind me and i thought, thats the way to end this- jump in front of a truck. and then the vision was gone and i was like holy crap, did i jst think that?? i was scared out of my mind. so for the next few days, i felt a funny sensation in my arm whenever i handled sharp objects. and sometimes, i still do feel funny. like my arms are daring me, begging me, to cut. but mostly only when im depressed out of my wits. i am such a screwed up little person...

totally freakin out. all day. i told anna that i tried to cut last night (more later)... and amanda almost overheard. i was like oh its nothing... just stress. and i didnt sleep well last night. hey, it was only a partial lie, a lie of omission... nuthin wrong with that. so wat i mean by "tried" to cut is that i actually held a sharp object to my wrist. (i no, i no, major artery. watevs.) barely broke the surface tho, no blood. im not a cutter. yet. i dunno how much longer i can hold out, help me chlo... and yes, chlo, im listening. i luv u 2. please stop for my sake if not for you..im always here for you. my trust can take anything now, i swear. couldnt abandon you now. "cold turkey", grl. be strong. i know you can do it and u no wat anna and tay said when i told them? "why are you so depressed?? ur life is FINE!" and it just blew me away. i thot u guys cared. i thot maybs i'd get a little sympathy, but noooo.... i get silence and anger. and you think you're the only confused ones... i dont have control over my own life anymore. i could break at the drop of a hat. well wish me luck if i can hold out until summer i should be fine i swear, my music is all thats keeping me from going over the edge. its the only thing that makes me feel ok instead of empty still no pineapples or unicorns 'raiya PS. shout outs to peace_love_empathy!!

i wanna so bad i dont know how much longer i can hold out i wanna see the blood run i wanna feel the pain i want ppl to see my scars.. i wanna escape it all and now i have no one to stop me o god guys help i dont wanna do it cuz i wont be able to stop but the pain is too great not to somebody come pull me out of this and get that broken glass out of your room (you know who you are) at least so far im still thinking straight but my parents will soon figure out im not ok that its not just physical exhaustion its emotional too and i dont want them to know just how fucked up i am no pineapples tonite Raiya

well. i found something out about a friend i hoped id never hear. cheers. i just feel like i wasnt enough for her, enough to stop her. how many times, i wonder, did she say something that would have let me know and i was too shallow to see it? i knew it, sort of, like really deep down. but i didnt wanna say it... so i'll go freak out in private now Zaraiya

doubt in your faith what you build you lay to waste there's truth in your lies doubt in your faith all i've got's what you didn't take how true, if you replace the "you/r"s with "me/my"s. i have left myself in pieces. hah, chlo, remember Mon. night? this song IS us. you get the secrets and i get the regrets. well, mom is back. bleh. she freaked out like 3 times in the short time she's been home. boo. i wrote this poem for my SS teacher Mrs. Forbes- i know it sucks and is really corny, but she'll (hopefully) appreciate it. [deleted the poem- it really SUCKED ASS- 6/6] she's retiring this year. let me no how bad it is- KittyKat_13@verizon.net peace luv pineapples and sprinklers (see mieolhc's journal for that one),

as the ocean opens up to swallow you quite possibly my favorite line off the whole cd. finally listened to Minutes to Midnight, and boy was it a letdown. here i am, looking for something to rival Hybrid Theory, and i get a slow, just-like-everyone-else cd. fuck. dont get me wrong, i LOVE M2M. but when compared to HT, the new cd is nuthin. oh well. hey anna, u reading this?... i didn't think so. sorry about my lack of faith and diminishing trust, but its not gonna be a one-way friendship. give and take, not just me giving and you walking away. crappy mood today. sorry. had a private lesson w/ Kathy- Dante (my cute little pony!! awwwww... well not really mine but whatevs. he is if i say he is so there.) was absolutely a doll and i did really good. Kathy was really happy w/ me. but my thighs are gonna KILL 2morro... but it was worth it. completely worth it. so yeah. not much to say. no school tomorrow, then my final is due and the countdown begins.... yay! i wonder if CC got M2M... ill have to ask him. its sumthin to talk about, way better than me being really dull and uninteresting...*shrug* Linkin Park FOREVER!!! peace love and pineapples