...that's what i'd love to ask him. anyway. TJ is MUCH more perceptive than i ever thought he'd be. He and Tay were all cuddly and crap on the bus and (i was already kinda depressed) i 'gave him this look' as he said, and was even further depressed... and he actually noticed the "look" and like... he kinda knew what i was thinking, i think. i'll have to give him more credit next time he does something. Base and Bitch were being clingy too, but what else is new? ...in other news... i hate to say it, but... i feel like i'm losing my best friend. I know i'm not, really, its just that we never talk anymore, not about anything serious. like, i dunno... just this really weird feeling. i guess that was always my worst fear, why i was so uncomfortable about her and E- i was afraid he'd come between us. i can see that now, and... no offense to him, but i think its true, a little. but whatevs. another thing to add to my list of things i just don't want to think about... i was talking to Tay on the bus home (after TJ left) and i almost started crying (depressing convos... lets not go there). and i don't think she even noticed. then i went home and... i did cry. just a little though. not even enough to smudge my makeup... which is, i guess, a good thing? on the brighter side, about the only good thing today besides staying after and lunch, this kid in my german class (omg, he's gonna get hit by a bus, chlo), i think he likes me... he was WAY too happy with that CD... Nolan was making fun of him, well the CD really, and he was like, "she MADE it for me!!" and i was sitting across the room from him trying not to laugh. but yeah, i have to go talk to my friend... and did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights are faded and that heaven is overrated

but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need i never really liked the Rolling Stones (old men in spandex=heavy emotional and mental scarring), but here we are... i'm quoting them. vaguely ironic? i heard ^this^ song on the radio last night, and i just thought, well, maybe they're right. you can't always get what you want- that's totally true, in so many ways. but sometimes you get what you need. what i thought of last night was how i can't get him... what i want, right? and then the thought right after that, based on those lyrics, was, so what? i can't get him as a boyfriend, but i still have him as a friend. he's awesome and he clearly cares about me, so... why not just take what i can get, and enjoy his friendship? whythehell not? go ride a unicycle, it'll make someone's day. (

how much i hate thanksgiving. a holiday designed to celebrate family and thankfulness... pshhht. what do I have to celebrate about FAMILY? i mean come on... my fam SUCKS. other than my cuzins, that is, but then they're not here. so i have to celebrate with my mom (shoot me now) and my dad. grr. and then, what do i have to be thankful for? answer: -i'm alive. nothing's killed me yet. beyond that, standard food, shelter, clothes... what else? not much. cheers. oh, and while i remember, i don't even have a nice happy crush to be thankful for. no warm fuzzy feelings here- they were holding hands at the game. and it didn't look like he meant it. x

I dreamed last night that you had dreams of me, Instead of her, as perfect as she is; Maybe if you just looked my way you’d see The hope for us that I believe there is. I watch, and wait, and see you do the same But not with me, instead you just watch her. It hurts to look; I know no one’s to blame, I just wish we had stayed the friends we were. Someday soon I know you will want to say Something about the dreams I dreamed you had, That maybe if we looked we’d find a way To make things right, never again be sad. Even if things don’t ever turn out right I’ll think of you and my heart will be light. Pat, this is for you. you'll never read this, you'll never know how you're tearing me apart. but if you're happy with her, the least i can do is be happy that you're happy. i'll try.

everybody scream your heart out i'm more or less alone. best time of the day. just me and dad home, and he could really care less what i'm doing right now.. if only it was like this all the time. oh well. i ate lunch with them yesterday. i didn't know she was in that lunch... i thot it was just him and Tori who were gonna be sitting there. then she showed up and people came and sat with them... it was so painful. i couldn't even look at him. i can't even tell him what he's doing to me... not that he'd change it. or care, for that matter. i wouldn't be surprised if i was clinically depressed. is it so wrong if i don't want to know? is it so wrong if i am, and i don't want treatment? i've felt so weird this week, like everything is going so fast. i can't remember anything at all. i'm sorta floating through everything... this sucks. but i had a good time yesterday when C was over. i feel like i'm living on memories...

i made up with him today. i went up to him and said i was sorry for being a bitch the last couple of days, that it was a really long story. and he asked if we could just be friends and not ignore each other anymore. and i said yeah, and i hugged him. one step towards repair. i wrote a sonnet for my english project. damn, they're hard! so much harder than they look. got report cards today, High Honors. :) verry happy. everything's going for me today- just one thing missing. him.

my cat is sitting on my lap. and im just sticking my face in his fur. nevermind. he left :( we- or at least *A* and I- ignored him this afternoon. she texted him too, like 'in case you haven't noticed, we're all pissed at you.' he said, 'i know, thats why i left' today was ok, i guess. other than the sketchy kid that was following us... =/ i didn't fail my bio test. and i didn't fail my geometry test. :) i thought i was gonna. and on the bus home today, one of the Mock Trial vets said he thought i made the team! he wasn't sure, but he thought i did. i'll find out for sure tonight.. *can't wait* i wish i was coming to your concert.stupid clubs, all getting in the way and whatnot... :( well ya no i wish he wasn't being a bitch either, but there's not much i can do about that... stuck in limbo still. life's not getting better but it's not getting worse. not sure if that's good or bad...

he's going out with KB. he asked her out over the weekend via email. i never got the chance to talk to him. all my friends were telling him to talk to me, but did he? no. now i get another month of emotional and psychosomatic pain. wahoo. on a happier note, shout-outs to Imogen, we're actually on at the same time!

i should be at *A*s. should have been HOURS ago. but i'm not. guess why?

you will live to tell