the more i'd like to let it go ~ RHCP, Snow ((Hey Oh)) i wrote him an email last night, saved it as a draft. i knew i wasn't going to send it but i had to do something. so i figured i may as well put it here. To: you CC: BCC: Subject: things i'll never [have the courage to] say. written January 8th, 2008 ============================= "i trust him. most of the time he understands and at least he tries to make me feel better. and i can tell he means it. most other people, when they try to cheer me up, say they understand, whatever, i'm never sure they mean it. they always seem fake. really fake. so that this one kid is honest with me, that means a lot to me. he has no idea how much." do you have any idea who this is referring to? i trust you more than anyone else, the only exception being Chloe. and you have no idea how much that means to me. "you only meet a few people who you will remember and who will mean something to you for the rest of your life- " and you're one. but now i'm keeping things from you that i would normally only trust you with- but i can't talk to you about it. about you. i don't want to ruin our friendship. but there's so much more to it that i could never bring myself to say to you. if only i could make myself give you the URL... but we both know i never will. this is hurting me more than you could ever imagine. and i want that to end, so i wrote this- but again, we both know i'll never send it. you left today. you left when i needed you. and that just broke me down... i'm sorry i can't talk to you about this. i'll save it- maybe one day in the future i'll actually send it. love you always. * * * * * * * * i know he'll never see this. i don't really care. but dammit, i don't want him... i love him, but i don't want him. how do i say that to him? how do i say anything to him? how do i tell him not to look at me like that? i can't take it! and he asked me if what made me depressed this morning had to do with him... how could i answer that? what is wrong with me? what the hell is wrong with me?

*deep breath* 1. feared for my life today. don't wanna talk about it, so Chloe and E, don't ask. ask rachel if you gotta know- she's ready enough to brag about it. 2. i am so confused right now. i like Guyliner still, but at the same time i like one of my other friends.. or at least i think i do. trying to wear his 'emo' sweatshirt was a mistake, but that's a story for another day. problem here is, i don't want to let myself like him. -he's already got 4 people that are madly in love with him. it wouldn't feel right if he ever ended up liking me back... i wouldn't want to do to them what so many people have [unknowingly] done to me. -i don't wanna lose him as a friend. every other crush i've had i've gotten horribly angry at... and it can take me years to let go of a grudge. there are some i still have... -i don't want to be the next *A*. no offense to her, but what she did really hurt him. i don't want to end up with him and then have it turn out i like someone else better. i'm so afraid of that... i would never forgive myself for putting him through that again. -i'm afraid of relationships. my deepest fear about a relationship is that i'd be too much for my boyfriend and my problems would just weigh him down... i could never do that to him. again, i'd never forgive myself. it's just that... he's the only guy i'm this close to, he's the only guy i always look in the eye. i don't think i've ever been this comfortable with a guy before... i could tell him anything. he means the world to me. [just like you do, dear. you know what i mean.] and without him and one or two other people, i'd be dead right now. or worse. [yes, there are worse things than death- another story for another day.] and it's not just that we're really close as in friends- with the exception of a few people, i have a bit of a personal space bubble. i don't mind people breaking it for like a hug or whatever. but he's the only guy i'm comfortable enough with to lean on his shoulder, and... well. at the christmas party, i was leaning on his shoulder and he was comforting me, arm around me and stuff... any other guy i would have shook off. i more or less buried my face in him... and i know that sounds ridiculous. 'cause it does, even to me. it's just that being this comfortable with a guy is so important to me. and i know if i actually went out with him it'd last a long time. and i don't know if i'm reading too much into this, but today after school [when i was wearing his sweatshirt] there was a look in his eyes... just a look, but it was... i can't explain. whenever i'm around him it's like it's just me and him... i dunno. maybs i'm just thinking too hard. maybs i don't really like him as much as i say i do... oh dammit, i don't want to like him as much as i do...

lol. that kid ttly liked me. lol. winter camping is the funnest thing i've ever done... hanging out with hot boy scouts, pyro boys scouts, weird boy scouts... frankly any kind of boy scout is great. N made me think of JC.. lol. i told him about the Purell, N wanted to try it... maybs i shouldn't have given him that idea. soo yeah.. best weekend camping trip EVER. "no, i'm not coming in. i have better things to do and better people to be with... ...did i just say that? i meant Kevin" i'm sure you did, dearie. i'm sure you did. peace love and pineapples. :)

she slept in my goddamn bed last night. dad was snoring and she couldnt sleep, so she slept in MY GODDAMN BED. is NOTHING sacred to her? my room is my ONE sanctuary that SHOULD be totally mine. i have never hated her more. oh, and by the way, happy new year. happy fucking year.

...so why do i feel so alone? meh. i guess it's just me... almost had a breakdown last night. i was thinking about the guy i like and one of my guy friends... just horrible thoughts. i felt awful. but i suppose if i'm thinking these things, there must be some truth to them... -do i only like Peter because he was on JV and could help me improve my soccer so i can try out for a club team next fall? in short, do i only want him so i can use him? -do i like or think i might like [my guy pal] just because if i went out with him it would last? -do i only like him because everyone's asking me if i do and i'm getting tired of saying "no"? -am i forcing myself to like him so i will ask him out just to shut them all up? how screwed up can i get? i need some major help. Chloe, E, Tay if you still read this- now what? nowfuckingwhat?

you should try Linkin Park. i know it's not hip-hop, but Mike Shinoda of Fort Minor is originally from Linkin Park.. their music is brilliant :) http://www.purevolume.com/linkinparkofficialpv

just thought i'd mention this while i remembered. Christmas Eve i didn't eat dinner. then i didn't eat the next day until noon. so it struck me that i hadn't eaten for almost 20 hours. scary.... and mom got pissed at me for forgetting the date. this was... monday. i couldnt remember what day it was, and so she asked, well, what's tomorrow? and i said, i dunno. the 24th or 25th, im not sure. and she said, thats awful. they've had it on the same day for 2,000 years and you DON'T KNOW WHAT DAY CHRISTMAS IS??? it was totally uncalled for. just because i forgot one little date she was going to take all my christmas presents back and return them. not that i would have minded much. but anyway... everyone's asking me if i like my friend. [the one that was depressed] so what is it, you're not allowed to trust a guy and be really close with him unless he has a girlfriend that isn't you? how many times am i going to have to say i don't like him like that, we're just really close? i trust him. most of the time he understands and at least he tries to make me feel better. and i can tell he means it. most other people, when they try to cheer me up, say they understand, whatever, i'm never sure they mean it. they always seem fake. really fake. so that this one kid is honest with me, that means a lot to me. he has no idea how much. and a word to all those who have asked me if i like him, who have told me i should go out with him- just because he means a lot to me does not mean i'm madly in love with him. k? there's a difference between trust and love. x♥x

but it started with an alright scene is it them or is it me? she makes me feel like a failure. he never listens. she only complains. he tries to help but only makes it worse. the things she says... she never says outright that i'm a failure or a general disappointment. the things she says just.. imply that. she has no confidence in me whatsoever. she doesn't support me. everything i do is criticised. i'm pretty sure the only reason she cares about me at all is because she's worried about what people think of her when they look at me. well... i've got some news for her- the world does NOT revolve around her, her views to the contrary. most of the time i DO know what i'm talking about, thank you very much. i CAN do things right without her telling me exactly how. sometimes there IS a better way to do things than her way. I AM NOT A FAILURE. i am NOT who she thinks i am... and she won't let me be who i really am around her, because i don't want to be criticised, i don't want to be told i'm doing everything wrong by someone who wouldn't know, i'm not going to let her break me entirely. she can try as hard as she wants to, but i will never give completely. so, the question is, was i born okay and somehow i just ended up as a failure to her, or was i always something she hated? that show/movie on tv the other day was totally accurate- probably why she changed the channel so fast. "if you [the character's mom] don't respect me for who i am, how can i respect myself?" "when i grow up, i'm going to respect my kids for who they are. and i'm going to make damn sure they know that."

who called it? home. movie started half an hour ago... almost cried- what else is new? and now i might not be able to go to the party tomorrow. i hate my family.

but i sure ain't a star all my friends going to see I Am Legend tonight... ..and i'm gonna stay home and cry. x