totally. surreal. little less hyper today. he's so sweet :) it still feels so surreal to think of him and be like, damn, he's actually my boyfriend. i keep, like, double-taking my own thoughts... i still can't believe it. and SQ can make me laugh 'bout my own BF... lol. "he's HOT! and you get to screw around with THAT!!" " 'scuse me?" "well, not yet." lol. she's great :) and so is he :)

:) :) :) :) :) :) soooooo happy right now :) 'raiya's finally got guts. i asked him today :) and he said yes :) been waiting for this for a long time. he has no idea how happy i am :) yay :)

just a little, cuz apparently i'm pretty lucky already. last midterm today :) got out of class at 9:30. screwed around with the 'biffles' for the rest of the day. passing notes with E in the cafe... long and short of it is, if i asked Nathan out, he'd say yes. soooo happy. so now i just have to find a good time to say something.... with a bit of luck it'll work out. mmm.

and why can't i just try you know i've lost a lot i won't let this die i know i've got a friend up in the atmosphere and another reason not to fear the sky no not tonight, no not tonight ~Dangerous Summer, The Permanent Rain love that song. :) semi was last night.. fricking so much fun :) and you know, i think it was a good thing he didn't go. gave me time to think some... he's... different... then the other guys i've liked in the past. he knows now, but he's totally cool with it. doesn't change anything. i'm not totally dependent on him either. well, i mean, yeah, i am. but just as like a friend, someone to talk to my issues about. usually they have to be there for me to be happy... i'm not obsessing like i usually do. which is a nice change. there's only one thing about it that's bothering me- he knows where i stand. but i still don't know where he stands. but whatevs. at least only the three people i fully trust plus me know... as of yet. everyone else will find out sooner or later... but for now, we're good. by tuesday we'll be beck to normal- all of us. pineapples :)

so now he knows. i more or less told him. but apparently he's cool with it.. i'm the only one freaking out. bleh. oh, and btw, i'm getting him eyeliner for his birthday.. he's exactly three months older than me.

so i realized having my journal on private is totally pointless. blah... i was going to edit entries i posted while it was private, and then i decided not to. let the truth stand. i have about six or seven drafts saved on my email... all of them to him. all of them never to be sent. i realized a bunch of parallels today too. remember way back to summer camp? two kids, Patrick and Nathan. hmm. Patrick was hot and had a GF.. lets see. Base through and through. Nathan was an emo hottie.. same term i used for our Nate. creepy? maybs just a lil. i was talking to him like 10 mins ago about everyone talking about us.. 'OMG you guys are ADORABLE together! you should ttly go out!!' stupidest reasons i've ever heard of to go out with someone. but anyway... was talking to him... but i think he left. he does that when i ask him difficult questions.. .. is that on purpose? oh and i'm not supposed to know, but.. when one of my friends asked him if he liked me, apparently he said 'i dunno... it's complicated'. almost exactly what i said to her about him. x.

i talked to him on the phone for like an hour monday night. about absolutely nothing. i love him :) i was talking about him via notes with E in german today... he 'felt left out' and started passing notes with R... but i was talking to him while E was replying to my notes and... dammit, he's adorable. emo hottie now. i just don't know what to do... 'it's because i like you that i don't want to be with you' so the question is, with my reasons why i don't want him [but of course i do] even though i love him, am i being selfish or am i putting him first? because i really can't tell... damn.

am i kidding myself? i saw him yesterday. i talked to him today. but yet. i miss him? already? it's been a DAY! just one goddamn day! am i really that desperate? i'm gonna be spending waaaay to much time with him this week. he's so sweet though... and he always finds reasons to talk to me. and, awkward as it is that i noticed this... if i sit next to him (or anyone else) there's always a certain amount of space between us... but if he sits next to me, he always sits really close to me. like, almost-awkward close... especially when i'm depressed or upset or anything is remotely wrong. he just looks at me funny... and all i can think is 'don'tlookatmelikethat!! youdon'trealizehowadorableyouare! ican'ttakeit!' yeah. i think with all the letters smushed together like that... typical symptoms? can'tthinkstraight?

he's so trying to impress me. well, not impress me, but... idk what the word is. he's changing himself. for me... "o idk, u dont like copying so i thot u mght be annoyed, plus i said that i was gonna stop copying hw this morning i did my history instead of copying chloe's :)" thats wat he said to me... like 5 mins ago. what a sweetie. but honey, you don't want me let me tell you why... god, i can't stand to be around him because i don't want to let on that i like him.. ..but i can't stand to be apart from him. meh. bit melodramatic, ain't i?

To: Him. CC: BCC: Subject: how do you say to someone else what you can't say to yourself? i think i love you. i think. i think. but how could you possibly understand that even as i say i love you, i will never ask you out? how could you understand? i've been so vocal about wanting a boyfriend... so now the opportunity presents itself and i am the first to say no. how could i possibly expect you to understand that? it's everything i've outlined in my journal. i don't want to hurt you. i don't want to be the next Anna. "you don't know me like i know me" i am incredibly inconsistent. i change my mind all the time. and i don't want to change my mind on you. i don't want to hurt them. rachel, marissa, lindsey, anna... i don't want anything between us. i don't want to do to them what so many have done to me. i don't want any of them to be mad at me.. i try to help people. i've been encouraging them all... i don't want to say to them "you definitely have a chance" and then the next day take that chance away. i don't want to lose their trust. i don't want to hurt me either. if i moved on, leaving you would be the most painful thing i've ever done. all my past crushes, my one almost-relationship, everyhting ended messily. i would always get absorbed by my anger at them... when that anger should really have been directed at me. i don't want to go through that cycle again. my worst fear about a relationship has always been that i'd be too much for my boyfriend. i don't want to weigh you down with all my problems. if i asked you out i'd start keeping things from you, just so i wouldn't hurt you. and that would kill me, because i never want to lie to you. i could never make you deal with a lying girlfriend, not after Anna did. i'd rather have open honesty and friendship than a prententious label and the loss of a friend. i will always love you, dearie. but then, that's what i said when i liked Caleb. and we know how that ended. so enjoy what you have. just don't expect anything from me. as much as it hurts me to say that to you. it's the truth. * * * * * * * * now i feel awful because i'm lying to him. i told him all i wanted from people was honesty and sincerity... and now i'm giving him neither. i'm ashamed of myself. he asked me directly if what i was sad about had to do with him.. and i said no. even though it did... i am a liar, a fake- i'm becoming her. and she is someone i don't want to be. especially after what she did to him... and now i'm doing almost the same thing.