so yesterday bestie slept over but first we went to a baseball game. this guy was there, m, as we call him. i was talking/joking around with him and others most of the time. it was pretty fun. i had a great time actually. bestie apparently asked him coming out of the game if he liked me. his answer: "i'm not sure cuz i really dont know her, but as of tonight...yes." immm officially scared. i cant hide it, cant ignore it. my rising fear of love, being love, imperfection has arrived. and the scariest part, hes not even positive if he likes me AND ive only hung out, if you can even call it that, once. how iirraaattttiioooonnnaaallll can i be. the worst part; theres nooo one to talk to, except this journal, and people who probably dont care. gawdd this bites. i cant talk to bestie cuz she just wont understand, shes always been the party girl, goin out with a lot of guys, she doesnt care about true love when she can try them all. im the opposite i crave perfection. i want desperately that perfect first relationship. i know in my heart of hearts that i dont need perfection. i should just let go cuz i really enjoy m. but is he really different than any guy ive ever met? am i just so longing for someone to lean on that i'll just go out with him cause he likes me? am i stupid enough to lower my standards? my mind is goin back and forth constantly. i cant sort it out. it seems like everything i say is a contradiction to what i believe in or previously thought. rawwwrrrr. the one thing i will not stand for is ending up liking him and then being my damn shy self and not being able to even look at him. i dont understand why i am cursed with this state of mind. whhyyy mee? what have i done to deserve this?? what can i do to fix this? this is not normal, i am a teenage girl, i should be boy crazy, which i am, and should constantly look for new relationships. the problem is, i hide whenever an opportunity comes up. how do i change, how do i get more confidence. i need answers. i need someone to talk to. this is ridiculous. im insane and i finally know it. peace love CRAZY

i read the book "the pact" best damn book ive read in a while. soo touching, allowed me the chance to have a taste of what true love feels like. very heart warming and opens your eyes to different point of views. i went to besties today =] it was fun. she wants me to fall for this new kid whos coming to our school next year we shall call him m. not sure cuz i know him less than r. what happened to r u may ask? bestie decides m is better for me. its not like i let her control me lol. i just never like anyone at all so its okay for her to do that. but that abnormal fear of love keeps coming up. im trying to push it down, but im not sure how much longer i can hold it. peace love LET.GO

long story short, im grounded from phone, computer and friends. ummm i hit my brother and he did way more shitt to me but i got the blame for the whole situation, bestie had to go home early. idk how long im grounded for but im super pissed. g2g gonna get in trouble peace love GROUNDED

the concert was amazing, despite a few mishaps, it was the funnest thing ever. i love panic all over again. and academy is was awesome. cannot wait till warped tour!!!! my cousin was at summerfest too. i was hoping to run into her but no such luck, although she did go to the same concert as me. im goin to the mall today =] and lastly...we talked. yes me and r. yes online, but it still counts. short and simple but i started the conversation =], (i think he may be nervous :o ) peace love YAY

got back from vaca...surprisingly...well it was fun. yea it was fun. tonight im goin to a movie with b, should be pretty boring, but i need to get out and away from my family, and if that means sleeping through a movie then hell why not. id much rather be out there. where, you may ask, is that. i dont know. i just want to be somewhere other than the places i have to chose from, which aren't many. it kinda connects with the title i chose which happens to be a line in a song. what song?? figure it out people =] peace love _______

im not going to apologize for last night. i meant ever single word i wrote and i won't take that back. on a lighter note, well not really, bestie cant come on vacation with me because of her sucky parents. rawr. sooo pissed right now. so im going by myself. i figure why not have some fun with it, like leave without notice you know? normally i tell people when i'm leaving, but why not just leave and not tell people. could be fun. seems like a small action, but in my circle of friends, could be quite big...we'll see. i dont know what i'm planning for this vacation really, i guess i'm hoping for adventure. i actually am going with our family friends, they have a son a little less than a year younger than me. hes way cool so it wont be terribly bad. it might actually be kinda fun. my neighbors!!! the new ones who moved in...at first all i knew is that they had an older son with an "afro", says my mom. then my mom was talking about them to my grandma (she wanted to know if they had any kids my age) and she goes well no, they have kids a few years older, like 2. i'm just screaming in my head "perfectttt!!!" obviously my mom knows nothing about me cuz i LOVE hangin out with kids older than me. so i really cant wait for school to start. whoo knows...maybe me and the boy could be great friends??? wishful thinking?? not unless i put my wishes into action ;] life may be looking up, hmmm we'll see. =] peace love WISH

i'm sick of crying. sick of people making me cry. sick of feeling sorry for myself. i'm done. i'm making a change. things are going to finally be different. -me

so yea bestie calls me at like 10, wakes me up lol, and asks if i wanna hang out. ummm hell yeah!! that girl has been like grounded this whole summer so far so i was SOOO excited. we had fun. really chill. thats why i like hanging with her and no one else cuz i dont have to do anything around her. i feel like with all my other friends, i have to entertain them. yeaaa we painted our nails outside. idk why but that is just sooooo fun. still haven't talked to r, im getting nervous, as you all probably already know. really really really really wanna go shopping today like NONE other...seriously its blowing my mind. i NEED tanks from hollister, they are just too cute for words, and i NEED jean shorts (only have 1 pair and they are dangerously tiny) and capris (right now i use besties cuz she lent them to me about 3 months ago and i never gave them back lol.) and it wouldnt hurt to get some jeans....maybe a bathing suit?? i think i have 14 at the moment but hey whats one more. oh and jewelry, and a purse. gawd this is horrible. bestie is prolly coming on vacation with my family and our family friends for the fourth, were leaving this saturday and coming back thursday!! =] should be way cute...OOH then 2 saturdays from now i'm goin to the panic/gym class/ academy is/plain white t's/hush sound concert. and i know yall can guess where thats gonna be. IM SOO EXCITED!!! ahhh this summer...needs to get a lot crazier ;] peace love CUTE

he signed on today =], r i mean, he signed on for about 10 minutes, first time this summer, and i've been dying to talk to him. dying to talk to him that i stay up until 2 waiting for him to 1. return from away or 2. sign on. he signed on today and i sat there. motionless. i sat there for ten minutes until i heard that awful door closed. he signed on and signed off 1o minutes later. im sure he would have stayed on had i talked to him. but i just sat there. now, i still sit here, but kicking myself for not getting the balls to talk to him. what the hell is my problem. how can i be this low in self confidence. it doesnt add up. it will never add up. there, my journal for the day peace love KICK

i've been reading other peoples journals lately and well their really depressing. like really. it makes me feel helpless just reading them. what can i do to help that person? i haven't found the answer. it's hard reading these sad sad thoughts and not being able to do anything. i want to reach out to them. tell them that its okay, that i'm there for them. tell them to hang on. but i don't know how, i don't even know if i can. on the contrary, these journals make me see myself. i realize now that i am generally a happy person. things may not be going right for me at the moment, but i truly believe that things will look up soon. anyways today i am goin to a baseball game with k and r. i dont know if that will be fun or not but i need to get out of my house, my mind, my thoughts, and have fun. haven't thought about r, the boy, at all, haven't talked to him either, makes me sad, but it doesnt hurt so much anymore. will i talk to him at all this summer? thats the part that scares me the most. peace love BASEBALL