me and k went to the pool today. superr fun. we just swam around i guess. lots of hott guys. i was surprised. k is soo funny. gawd i love that girl. she is prolly close to being my other best friend. but for now, she comes in second. sometimes she does stuff that i dont like. sometimes she says stuff that i dont like. but other than that, i love her. i was thinking about next year and how much of a change it will be (during school i mean.) i'm excited but super nervous all the same. i don't know what to expect. i just h0pe it will be a crazy ass ride. anyways that all for now peace love GOOD TIMES

last nights party sucked btw...not even gonna get into that lol but today was fun; me and k went out to eat today and we walked home, we stopped at this kid z's house, hes a year older but i dont know him and me being as shy as i am didnt really talk at all and hes like so what are u mute or something...i was like cracking up k's just like umm no shes just a little shy lol, and then hes like nice meeting u...awww what a sweetheart (dont worry, im not falling for him, besides hes shorter than me...thats a no no in my world ;]) the whole r thing, just thinking about it makes it seem more and more ridiculous, i still miss him tho =[ i havent seen him in 2 weeks and havn't talked to him in 2 weeks either...grrrr its making me sad. anywyas i just dont know. maybe thats my problem. i over think things to the point where i scare myself out of them. i just cant seem to find the confidence that i need. oh god i wish i could, but i just can't. maybe my hearts trying to tell me something, like that im not read. but i want to be ready. i want to want to be in a relationship. get what i mean? idk maybe i'm the only one...it just seems like i can never catch a break peace love IDK

surrounded by the sound of loud machines and everyone's got their problems and no one knows how to solve them and my chances here are few and far between living after nothing always chained to something take my weakness feel my heartbeat wake my soul and fill the space up i've been waiting and i hear you callin so clear this up for me make me feel make me real without you i can't see will you be my eyes and will you carry me oh i need to hear you speak to me cause i just need some clarity

r...well he put hey there delilah in his profile, the "a thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars..." part, but left out delilah.....AWWWWW way too cute, makes me even more confused peace love DELILAH

tonight, it was weird, but all i could think about was going home and talking to r (the boy who likes me.) it was almost like anxiety maybe? i just was thinking how i haven't talked to him in a while and i really really wanted to talk with him. but the weird thing; we've never taken our relationship (if that) anywhere but online. im just super shy, and him being 2 yrs older and me having 0 experience with boys, and lack of self confidence doesnt help the situation. bestie told me he wants to see me soon cuz he misses hanging out with me (which we never did in the first place but wutevs. ) im scared (cuz im so shyyyy its deathly) the problem is i told myself i didnt like him, and i was damn sure of it. but finding myself tonight wanting to talk with him...a bit strange wouldnt you agree?? am i falling for r? or is it just a friends type of thing im sooo confused, i have no perception of this at all seeing as i might as well eliminate boys from my life completely due to LACK OF EXPERIENCE. and i have like no self confidence. even though i know im a nice girl and (not trying to be conceited but rather helpful to my low self esteem) pretty and i shouldnt be nervous or anything, i just have this mindset that tells me i should be nervous. gawddd if i like r, how could i even begin to build a freaking relationship with him when i have all of these problems of my own???? rawr peace love CONFUSION

im goin to the mall today with b, k, n bestie....should be alright i dont really wanna shop actually, just feel like people watching and getting out of the house anddd well possibly following hott guys...were weird we know ;] tomorrow im goin to this kids party that i barely know so wutever i guess that will be alright, i might be goin to the pool tomorrow too...not quite sure i guess theres not much more i have to say i love scrubs tho =] best show ever in the whole world =] =] =] =] =] (r likes it too...weird considering hes the one that tiffany convinced to like be even tho im not into, k says i should like him but im a little skeptical...plus we dont even know each other AND hes not my type...as we all know is very exact) peace love LOSE IT

so i've always been writing about how i wish i could just find "true love"....but i never actually estabilished, even to myself, what i should be looking for heres my ideal boy looks: dark hair, (brown or black), long hair too, not like shoulder length, but i like the hair flippy across the eyes thing idk its just cute , any color eyes really, brown or blue would be desirable, not muscular, not scrawny either, somewhere in between. shouldnt have ab n fitch looks, but shouldn't be like gothic or emo, i would like something in between more towards emo tho. maybe like a soft emo??? wishful thinking maybe height: pretty tall anywhere from 6 ft to 6'3" prolly not any taller than that weight: at least more than me....tehe, im just a girl, what can i say clothes: more towards the emo category probably i could do a little preppy tho now and then (trust me i know tons of ppl who do both) should have lots of zipups/hoodies for me to wear =] personality: wow umm sweet, gentle, cute, not hardcore or anything like that or like badboy how many rules can i break type of thing. someone who likes to go crazy in a sweet way like showing me things that ive never done before, sneaking me out of the house, but not in a pressured way...get it? should be pretty smart, not genius or anything, but not dumb, someone who doesnt wanna showoff to get my attention or anyone else's, someone who doesnt get jealous or freak at the drop of a hat, someone who is MATURE (thats HUGE for me) but all in all just a sweet, quiet, maybe a lil shy guy who loves to show me things. dates, etc: i would love it if i could find someone who would just like to chill at my house and have dinner with my family, and wants to do the same with me. we could just go walk on a beach or something, just go drive around. the biggest thing is i need a guy who would just take me to tons and tons of concerts and we could just hang out like that. that would be the main thing mostly i want someone that i can feel completely comfortable with to bring home to my family, cuz thats the hardest thing for me right now i guess, and finding someone who fits my description i guess reading over this it all sounds a little confusing what im describing. but from my viewpoint thats what love is, hard to comprehend. never just by the books. its undescribable gaaaawwwdddd immm sooooo corny hahahaha wow enough talk of romance for one SINGLE GIRL'S night peace love DESTINY

today was supposed to be a fun today.... that is until bestie came an hour late so we had to scratch the pool, and then ppl couldnt drive to the movie, and then my mom turned into a witch....literally shes spazzing out at me for no reason...college cant come soon enough i swear on it. i cant wait to get away. she ruins my life sometimes. i dont get why parents are soo evil sometimes...it just baffles me..... so not quite sure if any of our plans are gonna work out tonight *finger crossed* we'll see but honestly, does life ever go my way...even just for once? even tho my mom claims im spoiled, and everything is always for me and everything revolves around me. she doesnt know the half of it. she thinks she knows me, thinks im just an open book. think again. you only know what you think to be true. you have no idea who i am. start learning. im done with being let down (btw that was a reference to my whole life not just to the night because that would make me spoiled) everythings just getting to me at once and the sucky part is that i looked SOOOO ahhhhdorably cute to go to the pool today, i had kick ass make up, the sweetest hair ever and a hott swimsuit. can you say bummer? thats all i guess peace love LET DOWN

heres my...ummm stuff i guess you could say so i stand here weak eyes, heavy heart this is it, i'm done my life, my choices, my concequences you don't define me today is the first day of the rest of my life ---------------------------- so use him like your favorite lip gloss wear him out like those designer jeans walk all over him with those 4 inch stillettos just know that he should have picked me ---------------------------------------------- i try to think of the good times all the things i learned the fun we had the undying love we shared but all i can think of is seeing the hurt on your face as i let you go -------------------------------------------------- i don't care what anyone thinks it all means shit to me i am me i answer to no one end of story ------------------------------------- MUSIC (replace with anything) its not a choice its an addiction --------------------------------- and i would like to feel passion for the first time would like to feel his body up against mine would like to smell that scent of his own kind but i'm scared to look in those eyes for the first time scared to know that his touch is all mine scared to know that he is one of a kind scared of someone i don't even know -------------------------------------- i may have put the next one up already but here it is let them stare let them see me how they want let them put me in that box let them try to bring me down let them try to destroy me let them think they know who i am at the end of the day when it all comes down to it they know nothing about me thats all for now ill prolly post more of this is a month or two if you don't like them tough luck, my personal thoughts, my journal, they mean something to me, each one, if you have a problem with them, write your own...

i dunno if my stuff was any good but i have a ton more stuff....maybe ill post it?? sorry if it sux =[ later loves