well today i read swans journal and i was like wow, i have to say it helps me a lot to know you still love me like you always have, because last weekend i was like, idk, i was not sure for some reason on how you felt anymore, and th eidea that it my fade from you hit me hard, but then i started reading these things you write in your journal and it made me feel way better, dont even worry about you putting me through anything, i would rather that then not have your love, i never had regret meeting you, being with you, or dealing with you, i am glad to actually, and all i feel right now is that you can start feeling better, i see your pain, in you i know this shit is painful to go through, i just like to say i am here, and i too will always love you, no matter what, i hate seeing you in the pain your in, hell i wish i could take it all away, unfortunately i can but i can show you people care for you and help you out however i can, i just wish you wisedome for the desions you have to make with this self searching thing, i cant do much more then wish you luck, and when it is more then you can take, i am here, always

hello swan, i know your reading this, lol, how are you, hope you v day was not so horrible, sorry to trick you wiht the music stuff, idk why i did, probably just for suprise, oh well, anyway, yeah, i gave it to you cause i do think about you with this hole thing your going through, and your home situation, and how your feeling, and just stuff like that, i know i say the same stuff over and over but i like to help you in anyway i could, even if it is backing off or anything like that, i guess i wrote it and this as sorta of a reminder or something like taht, idk, but anyway jsut the best of luck to you with all the shit you are dealing with, i really mean it

yeah well today my friends pulled me aside and told me some stuff they thought, i have to really thank them for it, it opened my eyes to how bad i was, i guess because i would get hurt by something someone did or not agree, it would just build up inside me, but instead of saying it to them like i should i would not say anything, think it out in my head, then if something similar was brought up i would say something unknowing to me,adn well i guess it made me look like i thought i was better then other people and stuff, made me look like an ass, that sorta makes me sick and well really mad at myself, when they told me that i thought i was better then other people i waslike what, because i dont feel i am, i really dont, i feel under them even sometimes, but it makes me sick to know i seemed like that and i seemed like an ass, like i am ashamed of myself, i was attacked on all ends, i mean i am glad they brought it up, i will now try to say stuff when they need to be said and to the person they need to be said to, but man i was blown up on, i hope they all understand my level of sorryness and how much i dont mean to do it, i am not bitter at them at all for doing it, it was just huge, idk, i cant apologise enough really, i just hope i do better, i guess when i get hurt i hold stuff in i shouldnt, so then stuff builds, yeah, and i am sorry to you as well swan for telling you stuff, then not saying it, and putting that on you, and making it uncomforble for you with it all, i must have looked like an ass all those times and yesterday when it was decided to be said, thank you for bringing it up, dont feel bad for the way it was presented or any of that, i needed to hear it

you know if i could sugest anything to anyone, one thing is to not think of the future too much, i mean you sorta need to, like for goals and stuff, but making promises or getting your hopes up is not good, sometimes you dont even think your doing it, but you do, try to live for right now, tell people what you need to say, i right now have dificulty doing that, saying what i need to say and do, cause there is a lot i need to say, and even a lot i need to do, and as much as i want to push them to a better time, will i get that better time, if you wait or you get your hopes up or you try to predict your future, you could be right, but if anything is to happen that might shake what you want, oh do you feel it, and it can destroy you, so you need ot do some future planning , but dont make promises to yourself, dont try to set stuff in stone, and it is better to do what you need to now rather then later

i just got back from a cool punk show in fresno, it was cool stuff, good times, the second band was really good, even better then the band i went to see, although they were good too, yeah, it was really a good time

wow, it is really crazy, how life works, how yoru mind works, lol, to start all the tests you face, to show you what really matters to you, and if taken for granted, how easy what you take for granted can be taken away, and how much you are willing to do to try to get that back, and if you work hard enough, and it returns, i bet you probably never treat it for granted again, lol, a learning thing, adn then you know whats also crazy, unanswerable questions that appear in your mind, and how they never seem to leave you, and they dig at you and people could intoxicate themselves to try to forget, but then it just returns till either replaced with something more important, or they are anwsered, lol, ah wish i had answers for mine, lol, yeah, another crazy thing is how the two sexes can deal with things differend, men like myself, usually deal with things in jerks, liek stages, adn intill that stage is over, all you can think about is what just happend adn it takes a wile to adjust, women on the other hand were blessed with the ability to to live there life like a stream, always flowing, when something happends to them they are easier to just move on, knowing that what happends in the stream just happends adn if something is fixed, they can feel confident that is soemthing is meant to be, it will just happen, unlike guys who get jerked so they dont know what to do, and have a hard time just trusting the flow, we more want to do something about it, even if we cant, oh if only women knew how lucky they are with that ability

well yeah i was thinking about music and with the band thing that is sorta forming, like to start i am glad we have no lable for what we do, because i want it to totally be free, any type of music me or swan come up with to be considered, and stuff like that is important for me in this band also i like the fact of it being small, a 3 piece is great, because although multiple guitars and stuff like that can be very cool, and if used right very creative, but in a smaller group you hear a little more of everyones story, and you dont have to deal wiht keepsing yoru songs so cluttered so everyone is happy, that all and i think you feel closer and eveyone comunicates better if it is only a small group now swans part, wiht a lot of the stuff i create, is usually paired up wiht a male singer, so the female voice is going to make it different, and he voice has all the range and power to do whatever i would need her to do, pluse she is a good lyricist, and to top it all off she is a fucking sick ass bass player, so yeah and she has good ideas for songs to top that all off i think the combo of these elements will make it something very interesting, but cool, i hope it is unique, lol, cause it would hate to just blend in int he crowd of music, , and i hope we find a drummer too, lol well this entry is long, oh well

yeah well today i helped pass out fliers to students about there rights because teachers and staff like to tell us we dont, but yeah, it was cool, i actually got to see someone read it with interest which was cool, showing that to at least some people it isnt just some random paper to get thrown away like a lot of people treat stuff like this, yeah, swan put it together and set it up really well, it was a really profesionally set up paper, the person who read it even said "this was put together by a student, their really smart", and said it with suprise, it is a really important thing for people to know, i know it is improtant to me to know my rights, and i know even if didnt know her and i just was handed the paper i would take interest in it, so good for her because stuff like this really means a lot to her, so i hope it makes at least somewhat of an impact on someone

hey this is like my first journal thing, yeah a swan told me to join this place, so i was like ok, lol, well i do like the website so i guess it isnt a bad idea, idk why it has profiles though because you cant really talk to people on here and then i write in this journal as if someone really reads them, idk maby they do, i cant tell because there is no way to tell, well this is long enough i guess, i will just write another one later