well yesterday was the first day i was back to school being with swan, and man did it feel great, i missed walking with her to her classes, kissing her inbetween, adn holding her durring breaks, writing letters to her, and well kissing her goodbye. it was great for me, although a lot was on her mind, i hope i was able to make her feel better, thats what i want to do, be with her and maker her feel better, i trust this time we will last, but i got to make her feel good to be with me and even be and escape at times, from that bullshit she deal with at home, she doesnt even know how good she makes me feel when she is with me, she doesnt know how she does it but she does, and i really want this time to stay with her, because i love her so much, i just want to talk to her about it all ,maby over the phone, make her feel better, swan if your reading this, i love you, thank you for getting back with me,

i am serious those songs are so terrible, like iwould listen to just about any music above it, and my sister is like playing it all the time, grrr, and the songs are so demoralizing, like worse then just about any other type of music has put out, idk, just buggs me, like somtimes it isnt so bad, but well most the time i want to sab my ears listening to it, my sister needs to move on from it already , lol

well me and swan are back together, and yesterday me and her had quite the day, it was crazy, because this time it is not as much the hole physical part that happend before as what is stuck on my mind, but when we were laying on the floor, the peace i felt with her was amazing, she was all that was on my mind and i was all on hers and it was perfect, what a way to start off the relationship again, and i hope this time it is to last, i love her so much, and i hope so much good for her, i just cant wait to see her in the morning, and brighten up my and her day again, just like i dont know how i do so much for her, she doesnt even know how much she does for me, man, i love her, no other way to explain it

well swan is starting to sorta question me to get a better understanding of me, it is crazy stuff, but i trust her, it is actually really interesting to think this much, gets your mind flowing, lol, but yeah, it sure is interesting, i like to let her in that much, i like knowing someone can understand me adn i want it to be her, for her to know all she can about me, idk what more she is going to do to question me, but i can wait to see, ah crazy stuff, it is cool how well she can do this, how she knows all these ways, and i hope her knowing me better will help her out and i hope that none of it makes her think any different of me, cause that would suck, i dont have anything to hide and i really doubt it, but still sometime that thought creeps into my head, but yeah, i feel good trusting her with my internal information, cause i want her to be able to know more about me, yeah, man this is random but i do miss being with her

well my band thing with swan, i cant wait to start really working with her on it, cause there is so much we need to do, and so many ideas to go over, i really think it will be great, i mean if any two people can make great expresive real music with meaning, it would be me and her, when we find the third part, the drums, then we will really be rolling,but i am just glad i get to work with her, she is the person i want to work with the most, out of any musicion ever, i think she will not only be great on her parts, but help me grow and get better as well, i really see chance for some great stuff, really good songs, her voice is amazing and so is her bass playing, really she musical talents amazing, and her lyrics are great, and can go may places easy, and they have meaning, which is important, and just the fact she is a female singer makes my ideas go to new places, imean i dont know of too many bands that would put this sort of dark, creative, heavy,and psychedelic instrumentals with a female voice, it will be great stuff, i mean i would play with her any amout of time, for any amout of years, i mean i think together once we get adapted to playing with eachother will be one hard to beat force in music, atleast thats the hope, lol, but with her i have confidence, and i cant wait to see where it really flies after high school with more freedom and time to work, great stuff, i hope we can get started on it soon, adn whenever it does, every other band needs to watch out, because we will be and band with not only my creative song direction, but swans insane amout of musical and artistic talent

i was talking to my friend brandi last night for a long time, it is so crazy, she is in a similar situationtaht me and swan aer in,w ell there are a lot of differences but she is doing the same as her, it is crazy, we talked a lot about her situation, there is a lot of crazy stuff, a lot of different stuff, but when she mention something very similar then it was crazy, it was like peering into the other side of it all, we also talked abou how guys and girls go about things different, how the two minds work, very interesting stuff, how stuff like this effects both sides and why us guys do what we do, we have such a hard time trusting the flow of things, we want now ands thats all we see, because you arent garenteed tomarrow, women put a lot more trust of the flow, it is easier to comprehend, adn that is just how it is, adn well i am starting to adapt to the idea of the flow, trust is a very difficult thing to give, but here i think i can give trust, we also talked about like freshmen year, how much more care free me and brandi were, neither of us ever walked into school depressed or down or anything like that, it was take it one day at a time simple, we were not shown what we have been, adn although i agree with her the wish for the simple times, none the less this all is part of the evolution of ourselves, adn even though last school year and freshmen year i had none of this to deal with, it was easier to wake up each day and go to school, and everything, i think all that has happend to me in the last 5 months i would trade for nothing else, truely were the best times of my life, and well i know it all sorta sucks right now, i know the prize is huge adn very much well worth it all, you know it was crazy, we talked so much but the end of the conversation was very strange, at least on my side, she said that befor i got into this relationship seh always new i was a good guy,b ut seeing how i treated it, what i was willing to do, and my understanding of what is going on now and what i have to do for her at this point and stuff she said taht even though i strangly never really had a relationship before, i treat this only like i have been in 100 before, or at least my mindset is, and she well said how mush i will enpact someones life, it she said she has no right to say who, she said it could be swan adn probably but seh has no idea, adn she said whoever will be happy adn all this stuff, telling me the empact i am to make on people, it is crazy, i havent heard that for the first time but it is a shock to hear,every time, crazy stuff to think about, well anyway it was good to talk to her again, brandi has a lot of family crap and life crap todeal with and i wish her the best with it all, because her situation seems to be even more complicated,

well it has been a couple days since me and swan broke up, extented break, whatever you want to call it, and well right now i feel ok, yesterday i was super down about it, and well even though i do really miss being with her already, it is standable, idk how long this time period will be, but i dont think i have any controle over that, but i can survive it ok, i dont believe either of us will drift because we talk all the same amount, and we still have the music deal, adn well neither of us will probably not get into any other relationships or anything like that, so as that all sinks in i feel better, and well not being with her does motiveate me to keep buisy because that takes my mind off it all, i know the next few weeks will be full of events, so thats cool, and who knows, it could be shorter then i think, mabe not, but i can always keep my hopes up, i still have her letters and gifts, i may neer part with them but just lock them up intill later, adn she is unfortunately still grounded, so i would not get to see her that much anyway, hope she gets off soon though, we have music to attend to, and nomatter how cool and fun it is hanging out with all my friends over the weekends, i still like playing music and even just hanging out with her more then that, but unfortuatly she is still grounded, so i will wait, as i seem to have to do often, wait, but that isnt too bad, i get to better myself in all ways durring this time, and well thats cool i guess, so at least right now i am ok, adn well the prize for waiting will be huge, and i agree with her, i have no problem being with her forever, i am sure over this time i will have more down periods, but at least now i am ok, and well right now i guess i dont have much more to say, i will just going back to watching her and even though it does bring some longing, it also brings me good to know that she is growing and feeling better, and that i can trust her and her feelings and those few times i catch her eyes will bring me into her like i always have enjoyed to do, adn well right now i go back to waiting for her to be ready again

you know i thought i would add this one because the last one was already hella long, but you know fear, is part of life, and everyone fears something, but you should not let that hold you back, just because you fear how you might effect people, you cant just rip yourself from life and expect people are just going to live ok without you, because you fear how you will effect them, you know even not doing anything effects people, every action has a reaction, even if your to pull out of everyones life, you are still effecting people, adn i dont blame you swan for the fear, everyone fears life, because it is just plain scary, but you have to confront your fears, especially if it is life, and along with fear in life, there is also love, a deep love, the typ that is a relationship, another thing people are scared of as well, but you cant run away from that fear either, it is part of life, living, the relationship, the bond, adn it is scary, but you have to face it, and especially if you have stricken it with someone, cause by running away from that, you not only deprive yourself from one of the greatest joys of life but you do to the other person the same, adn let me tell you if you really have love for someone you can never hurt them, it is only when you stop loving them that will ever happen, in every relationship, if it ever goes wrong that is because for at least some little time one of them stoped loving them, that is the only way to cause pain from it, it is will a commitment of your love, but there should be no problem if you love the other, you know why i say i could never hurt you, and how i cope with it to give me enough belief, because i know i love you and it would kill me if did that to you, so i know as long as i love you there should be no way i could really hurt you. idk, i know it is scary, i know why you are doing what your doing, but i am here, like i should be, trying to help you with it, because yo know if i believed that you were not good enough for me, and you would screw it up, i would stop, but in my heart i know that is not true, that you are perfect for me and a great person, teh greatest i have ever met, so i am here helping you because you cant live a life of running away, you cant just tell yourself that you will just hide from effecting people because even that effects people, you need to build up the will to face your fears head on, because you will grow a even greater person from it, and i will always be there to help you with it, i really will, you know you are at the doorstep of something great for once in your life, will you try to find the strength to open it

man i just dont know what to think, i have swan, i love so much, and she loves me, but she loves me so much, that the thought of hurting kills her, and even though i knwo she wont, she never has, and she doesnt want to and will do anything to avoid doing that, but she doesnt see it, she doesnt, i wish she did but she doesnt, she feels everyone that she has loved has been hurt by her, damn them who have poisoned her view, they chose to fuck themselves up, and take her love for advantage, and therefor it has clouded her of what she does to people, that her selflessness shows and helps everyone she tries to help, that is if they want her help, i guess because they dont take it, because they chose to not listen, it had made her not see how great she is, how selfless she is and how much she is willing to do for others, that her love is some of the purist i have ever seen actually, her love does nothing but help, but those who dont want to be helped keep her from seeing that, i mean, she would kill anyone who tried to hurt her brother, she tried to save her mom from a abusive relationship, adn she unfrotunatly didnt take it right, didnt listen and open her eyes, and then her dad, wow, she tried to help him even more then anyone would think someone like him deserved, no matter what he did to her, and yet she only stops herself now out of the fear of him crushing her again, these people she tries, but they dont see what a gift they have, someone actually looking out for the people that everyone else gave up on, and with her friends, she cares so much for her friends, derrick frustrates her right now but that doesnt keep her from caring about him, and trying to knock sence into him, gabe, she cares for him too, she would do anything for gabe, sarah, she really wants to see into sarahs world, help her break out more and here the world through sarahs eyes, cause sarahs point of view really matters to her, and there are even more, wendy, and such that she too cares and loves so much, and does whatever she can for them, adn for me, she is willing to deny herself everything for me, swan if you are reading this, i know you are very down about yourself, and you dont feel your good enough, but hey, tell anyone of your friends that you love if you have screwed them up, that you have done them extream wrong, i can garentee you they will all deny it, and probably not one will ever regret knowing you, or having your care for them, and several will probably be able to tell you how you have helped them, because you really care for everyone you love, adn you would not do anything to hurt them, only to try to help them, you could go ahead, ask gabe. ask sarah, even ask derrick, i tell you this is how they would feel, even wendy, and well i could write a book on how you have positively effected my life and how great you are and it still wouldnt get everything, i mean it is true, why do you think some of your past boyfriends and such still want to marry you and crap like that, because you do hold some of the purest love, ever, but i know talk is cheap, yo need proof, and you if you feel my word is not enough to sway you, because i love you, you need more of an outside opinion, ask your friends what they think of you, and if they regret you at all, i am telling you some will probably evn say they cant see life without you, hell even your new friend josh, he seems to like to stick around since he met you, and those homeless people, that you showed love to that no one else did, adn you got nothing out of it, it was all for them, you really care for people, hell you didnt just give that guy money, you made sure as hell he ate right and got clothes with it, so you took your time to go get that stuff for him, your love is the purist of love to give, and well i sit here, wishing you would see this, hopeing that you will, hopeing that you would accept this gift given to you because you do deserve love, because you give out love more then i think i could even give you, i mean idk how many facts i can give you about it, to show you, and by the type of person you are, i knwo you will never see yourself as high as you are, but at least just enough, and i know your afraid, and i know that there is nothing i can do about it, but be there, and help you see, i will always be there waiting for you, you knwo fear is part of life, like love is, ah idk, it scares me how long if ever you will return to me, but i couldnt love anyone like i do you, and well right now your all i can see ever really loving, you all i ever wanted adn you dangling just in front of me, but i can reach, i need you to find the strength to pull yourself a little closer, and well i am not going to give up on my part, so i sit here and wait for you, to realize how great you really are

oh it is cool, i was sitting around strumming my guitar bored, and what to do with my current song just came to me, it was cool, it so far seems very alice in chains in the begining, but then the chorus seems like well tool and sabbath, adn i am taking a tool aproch to the set up, where it will go verse chorus verse chorus but then it goes on to a hole new section with small instrumental bits and progressing vocals, sorta like tool wound do in songs like parabola or stinkfist, where the song seems to have a good chorus and verse set up but then it moves to new grounds after like 2 times around, but yeah, i got lots of ideas where it can be taken too, the scales and keys used are really easy to play in, i really will like to see where this goes