omg today swan blew my mind, i got one of those few and rare times we can be sota alone, and well we spent some rather close time together, lol, i have more of her spit in my mouth then my own, lol, wow i have never felt like this before, like wow, if only we werent like outside at a school, crazy stuff, cant even explain, swan , your fucking amazing, i love you with all i got like i was so turned on by you, that hole hard to stand up thing you felt, yeah that was me too, it felt odd to even walk, you had me under your spell, it is like i could kiss you forever, i tell you i have never, been like to that level, never acted like that, it was , well amazing, no other was to describe it, i love you so much, more then i thought i could anyone

swan, i too never thought i would feel this way for anyone, like idk, i wanted to, but really people were dissipointing, with you it is like i have all i ever want, love, friendship, passion, partnership, someone to listen, someone to listen to, someone to fill me in what i am missing, and you know i found all that in you, it is unbelieveable, and to know that i have actually made an impact on you is unbelieveable, you know i spend a lot of time talking about how good you look, but to be honest, if you looked anyway i would feel the same for you, and you dont even have to have all the artistic talent you have, if your personality, the person i see when i peer into your eyes saw the same person, none of that matters, for i simply love you, swan, but the fact that your fucking beautiful sure helps though, i am not even kidding i would not switch the way you look at all, you like, idk, amazing, and your a talented singer and musicion and poet, artist, your smart, like idk you have it all for me, crazy stuff, i love you with everything i got

hey swan if your beautiful eyes are reading this right now i am really bored and am writing this because of that, lol, it just seems i cant get my mind off you ever, lol, when i wake up adn start to get ready, i cant wait to see you at school, then in first class i cant wait to see you at break, then i just mess around in my next class waiting for vp so i can be with you in that class, then my last class i am waiting for class to end, then i can see you on elast time for the day and kiss you goodbye,( how much of a kiss all dependson who is watching, lol) then i go home , read the letters you gave me throughout the day, then i call youor at least try to, and then it doesnt help that i am doing music with you because who am i thinking about when i am playing, lol, and well the day passes like that, then it starts over again,lol, so yeah i would just like to let you know i spend a lot of my time with you on my mind, lol, i bet you already knew that but oh well, lol, it is crazy to think about, how much you have been an inpact on my life, even since i first met you i knew you were someone not to forget, and well not you are tatooed on my mind and my heart, crazy stuff, well i have to get off the computer, ttyl my beautiful love,

ah yes swan wrote about pop culture, it is funny, i dont see how people can just be on the mainstream bandwagon and not even write there own stuff, say they are into music and be in the music buis but not really, they are just a tool for some producer to make money off of, and so what people are getting into is just fake, idk why someone would want to support or be part of that music life, i know i would not,

i got a new song idea, it cool, dont know what it is quite yet, but from the early parts it sounds really cool

yeah i am also in the band with swan, we have a lot of original stuff to work on as well as timing on songs we would like to cover, but for air guitar unless we go unplugged we need a drummer, idk, i guess i will go ask this one kid eric but i am not sure, not only will we need the person for air guitar but also it would be nice if they could stay on for the bands official drummer, but idk, but yeah, i cant wait to get to practice, it will kick ass, there is so much to go over, lol, but all needed steps to making this great, which i dont want to compromise on it, so yeah, if we make air guitar, kick ass, if not, oh well it is no big deal, i still think we have the makings of a really unique band

yeah swan asked me back out again, i was like , i didnt know what to even say after that, i was in such a feeling of joy, like i just wanted to hold her and kiss her that moment but the stupid school and its rules kept me from it, but yeah feels so good to be back with her, my day has just been great, i love her so much, like she loves me, and it is far more then just physical, even though she is so amazingly beautiful to me, even beyond her talents and stuff, just her the person i love, like even if she was not gifted in singing or art, even if she was unattrative, i just love her, but the good thing is she is extreamly attractive and tallented, idk i cant say enough about her, and i am just glad to be back with her, i cant even expain it

if you are reading this swan i just want you to know, i know taht last entry says a lot, but also remember i just wish that the situation in your head can get better, remember i am always here, no matter what, to help you, i think about what your going through all the time, like you think of me all the time i think of you, to know the war going on in your head, i wish i could really help you out, i wishi could just clear you mind of it all, unfortunately i dont have that ability, and i know i push for us to get back together, because it is not only what i want, i mean i want it more then anything, but also i know you want to as well, adn i want you to know that it will be ok, i know in no way would you let me down or hurt me, i know this because of what your willing to put yourself through for the interest of me, i know most philosphers and stuff like that are never married and stuff like that, but you dont want to be with out love, you dont want to end up like them, and you dont have to, you are you, not them, and you can live life how you want to live it, i mean you dont have to end up like them, because you have love and he is right here aside of you waiting for you to be ready, and well always will be there ready for you, well best of luck with everything you are going through, i really do hope you can start to feel better

ok me and swan are in quite the situation here, i talked to her yesterday and well we stand here, we both want the same thing, but we seem to have a hard time getting that, because of how her mind has been working, she doesnt want to hurt me or ignore me, and she feels she will because at times she may be in her own little world and then she will feel too bad and break up again and she does not want to do that, and i understand that, and i dont want to force it apon her and make her feel bad, so yeah, man i wish i could just prove to her that she would not be hurting me, somehow give her the confidence to make the choice, if only she could see that i know her, i know that she is going through a lot in her head, i know what type of person she is, and i love her for who she is, if she has been true to me which i trust she has been, then she is the person i love, and if these sort of things really bothered me, then i wouldnt love her, she keeps saying she wont be a "good girlfriend", which i mean i understand, but really , i am not looking for a good girlfriend, i mean it would be easy to find some girl that is available all the time and thinks i'm cute and cool, nothing beyond that, and i thought she was ok and fun to flirt with, i mean relationships like that are all over the place, but there is a reason why i really never had a true relationship befor this, because i dont want those type of relationships, i want someone that i can a fun wiht but at the same time hold a serious conversation with or dont even have to talk at all, someone i can trust saying anything to, someone i would not mind spending any amount of time with no matter how long or short, someone who impresses and fasinates me, someone who is more then just a girlfriend,but a true friend, and well someone who loves me back, and well i honestly find all that in swan, i wish she knew that she is want i want, i dont deserve better because to me there isnt better,there have been times where i dont even feel i deserve her, i know her, i understand how she what state she would be in if we were together, but i also know how she feels towards me and that is all i need, to know she loves me, and well i know taht if she ever wasnt all there i know it would be because she has so much going on in her head , therefor it would not bother me, although i would feel bad for her and the stuff going on in her head, i would feel bad that she has so much on her mind, but not be hurt by the fact her mind is in another place, idk, i wish her mind could be healed of what it is all going through, i wish she could be happy, i am sorry for saying all this especially if it conflicts in your mnd more, i jus tthought i would say it all to idk help if it could, but who knows i could just make it worse, which i hope not and if it does i am sorry, you nkow i just want to end this entry with this, swan,if you are reading this, i know you have a hard time with this all, because you believe i deserve better, and that you would only hurt me, but just ponder on this,me being the same person i am, and you know me and you like who i am, what if i told you i felt i was not good enough, taht you deserve better then me and if i was with you i would only hurt you, adn i would rather be in the state i am then give you any pain, and that i was afraid i would be a bad boyfriend and even though you said you want to be there and taht all you want is to be with me, i just felt i was not good enough adn you deserve better, idk, i am only saying this as sort of my attenpt to help you see how i feel about you, but like i said, i could not hate you, and i just wish the best for you, i really do

i went to the snow with swan yesterday, it was a lot of fun,(i kicked her ass in the snow, lol) i really enjoy hanging out with her, i enjoy being around her more then anyone else, so it was a good day