i hate it. hes obviously not smart...he's an idiot.. why does he have it sooo easy. best grades. straight a's. defensive friends..popularity...affection.. he has everything im jealous..incredibly so.. i want to have those things any action seems inept though i have to WORK to get my grades at a good mark. my friends aren't as devoted..although i know i love them. i really do... i would cry if i hurt them. i almost cry when they themselves are hurt. im lucky to have them, even if i do care more for them, than they for me. and he also has a girlfriend..several admirers. endless suitors. 2 lovers. how can he cry out that no one likes him, when there are clearly so many people that do.. ha. i wonder what it feels like. to have so many people like you like that.i cant even get many people to like me as a friend.. i wonder if it feels good. to know you're liked. to know you're someone to somebody.. i want to feel needed. hes so lucky. idont get it when he says hes depressed or lonely. i just wish i could act as i dream. imagine me..with roberto. going up to him. talking. befriending. later on..hanging out. friends. perhaps lovers. just one night under the stars with no one else around. the perfect kiss. the warmth of ourselves. and no more. no sex. no making out. just one kiss...i would do anything to be able to do that. i hate my self sometimes, for being so stupid

I think I hate him more than ever. I cannot talk about myself. i cant find anyone who will. i cant get my problems out. it bugs me.

I feel no sympathy for him. He is suffering. He's too emotional. You should have known that I wasn't for you. You fucking idiot. We could have still been fucking friends. You are weak.

I do hope he suffers. Does he know I almost cried? Does he know I hate my heart for what I did? Does he know that the reason I never came was because I hated the entire situation? Does he know I cannot do anything like that as soon as it happened? He doesn't respect me. I hope he suffers. he took my virginity. my morals. my logic. my loyalty. and I hate him. He should feel guilty. I have felt nothing but guilt, and I know I had no reason to be. I keep saying im sorry, and he hasn't said it. i will not regret this moment. he will never win my loyalty.

I'm so confused. I know I'm probably going to break up with him. I have extreme doubts. He's nice &all, but the more I think, the more I'm willing to break it off. He's selfish. He's mean to my friends. Incredibly self-ivolved. I remember I once said I was the talker. Now that he has accustomed to me, he talks much more. I can never share my thoughts, my feelings, or anything. Even if I am voicing something, it can never really be what is on my mind. I absolutely love talking about philosophy..psychology..analytical things. He cannot talk about these subjects. He's intelligent, but he cannot apply it to life. &I ask myself, "Is this what a boyfriend is for?" Am I prejiduced? Are boyfriends just there for sentiment? I may be a romantic, but aren't they there for deep conversation? To have conversation that enriches the mind? He cannot satisfy that one urge in me. He's there to listen..he says nothing. He cannot help. Even when I am asked for help, and I know not what to speak, I know how to make the other person realize what they need to do. &Yet I feel guilty. He likes me so much, and my emotion is being drained away. He said I was the first boyfriend he has that was "good." I would feel terrible if I crushed him. I cannot..hurt..anyone. It's not in my nature. He did nothing to me; why should I make him feel so terrible?

I feel so disappointing. he's just better. for the sake of my esteem i tried to find one good thing i can do. he's just...better smarter more artistic better grades better friends more interesting life better parents much better looking. hes too good for me &im going to depress myself with this.

oh i feel so confused. does he like me? he says he does. i believe him.. im so sad....i want to meet him. he's probably the only person that i like that likes me back. i don't know if i'll meet him. it's the one thing i want to do most right now. jen'll probably say its stupid; i'd better not mention it to her. he's so nice. he's sweet. but not too sweet. hes not a fag. hes smart. hes fun. he makes me smile..so much more than anyone else. hes not a whore. he doesn't cheat. he doesnt drink, or smoke, or do drugs. hes shy but outgoing too. hes does what he feels like. hes not sensative, but not all tough either. it just seems too perfect... he's everything im looking for in a person. i would love to hold him. he's been through so much bad. i want to be there for him. if he ever cries, i want to be there so he can cry on my shoulder. i want to be the wall he leans on, i want to be his consort. i just want to be with him. but all of this...a friend or a boyfriend? he seems like he would be one hell of a friend. a stable one. why would i want to fucking risk that potential. i dont know if he likes me in that real way he keeps talking about how ill find someone eventually. what if i already did? what if it's him i'd scare him off...if i did that i couldn't forgive myself. this can't be another adam. i want this to be right. but i want to take a risk. i can still remember shaking when i told him i liked him. i remember how happy i felt when he said he liked me too. he said he did feel that way. he thought i was just wanting to be friends. he didnt want to say anything. is he like me? ugh. i need to look way past this. just let it be. although i have a feeling we're going to meet up soon. we live not 30 minutes from each other. we both don't have lives. i hope we do. i want to know what it's like when a guy hugs you. i want to feel warm... ---- and why does adam still ask about me? even now? does he think that maybe im the friend that could've been? we were good friends. he liked me. why did i have to go and fucking ruin it. i feel retarded.

&Another one closes. Kristin & Michelle are gone... I shouldn't be myself, I guess. So, it never really meant a thing..

Let's close off another gate. lets not trust anyone im scared that what i think will drive people away and i dont tell the whole story and i want to talk more; i never get to talk about myself to others and whatever i say it makes people go away am i doomed to repel?

I hate it when people flaunt about their relationships. I feel like they're making fun of me. That they are proving they are better. That they have actually found someone that likes them. And Im here. alone and weak. i know im socially inept. i hate myself. stop making me feel less worthy. i know im hated. i dont need it shoved in my face. i wish i could talk to someone. all the gay guys here all the guys here all the girls everyone they;ve been liked i just wish i could know what they feel when someoen likes them it must feel great how much more do i have to wait?