today i wanted to cry. what is love do i love him that would be ridiculous but love IS irrational ugggh. i want to die. at every stopsign i would start daydreaming about kissing him just a small peck under the mist, under the light, under the beautiful blue it would have been perfect he does not like me like that i doubt i'm even a friend. he feels an obligation i hate that. isthis friendship an obligation i want to cry at the thought someone being like that just because they feel they should and he's fully capable of it. i'm so scared. i don't know what's going to happen. but then, i do we'll talk less and less. none after he pays me back. [idreadtheday] he'll talk to jessica a lot and i become a shadow, a blur in his memory that nice guy that bought me my violin who was nice enoguh to care... who listened to his every word idontwanttolovehim lovelovelove. arbitrary. it's just sex hormones that one scene implanted in my head that pose it made me want to... i can't even say it. i want to hug him once more. just once, please. a goodbye of sorts. a summary of the whole fucking thing in a hug. i wish i lived in the parallel universe where he liked me where he might like me, hug me, kiss me, maybe and instead of driving around nowhere we end up at a park or some obscure place and lay beside one another and look at the stars and talk about lights and nothingness. &a final hug. and an innocent kiss. i would kill for that. maybe not him, just the thought of it with someone i would love do i want someone to love? fuckthat.fuckfuckfuck. i don't want to be that person meaningless sex empty stares no thought. ihatemymind.

i fear seeing jessica tomorrow and/or mike.

iwanttogoiwanttogoiwanttogoiwantogo. mikeee. fuckhim. i hate it. i hate this. i hate last last year ruined my esteem any confidense michelle &adam those two tragedies repeating themselves over andoverandoverandover i cant ask people out because they'll be fearful of me i hate fear i dont want to cause fear...disgust...disinterest when it could be a good friendship. the thing i want is to hug him and stargaze with him ...Is he a stargazer?

grr he captivates me. i think about him too much.. why did he hug me. i hate hugs most of the time. why did that one feel warm. today i didnt feel great at all so many times i wanted to run away or just cry &&&yet he made me want to hug him all day. i dont want to admit it. if i knew he'd let me or that he wouldnt mind i'd do it. i'd live in his arms. i hate it. i hate saying that. i know why. i dont want this to be an adam. i dont want to fall. hes such a good friend but hed never like me like that and i need to get over it fast. i dont know what to do. i just need to shut up i hate these times. it just reminds me that theres no one i can really talk to. its just myself. i want to talk about him for hours and hours and i know i can, but theres no one who'd be interested. i hate my emotions. i wish i could practice stoicism. i want to die.

It feels retarded, I want you to like me Will you be there tonight? Do you mean it when you say what you say? Fixing up my hair, I want to impress you Today and everyday, Okay, okay okay, okay So what do you want? I want to be careless too So much waiting, so much sitting alone When you say what you say, It's not what I thought, it's really nothing at all I'm not who you want, Alright, alright alright, alright Bunny gamer, stand up, bunny gamer, Where have you been all of my life? Bunny gamer, take me with you, Okay, okay okay, okay Bunny gamer, sit down, bunny gamer, Where have you been all night? Bunny gamer, leave me alone, Alright, alright alright, alright

I - gigantic loser. I ignoredd him. but he knows my nameee and he thinks i'm cooool. i bet i'm going to explode soon. He;s so !!! &i've been wanting to talk to him for foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I smiled at him and stuff. i hate my daydreams though. so idealistic.

Hello. I just met someone moderately cool &supercute, and he think's I"M cool. ohgoodness. I'm going to die of shock. He's so... cool! I never thought I could get someone popular &superpretty to like me. I wanted to hug himmm; I wonder if he would let me. He's open-minded. But I don't like his naive side. eh. I want to hug him, but I'm an idiot like that. He asked me, though. ^^;; The people at that party were cool. Fun. I liked that they were smart &stupid. Yeaaah.

why do i always care more for people than they do for me? i wish i'd know what they really thought...i know jen doesn't really like being my friend. she really wants me to separate from her.. i know it. am i just there because she doesnt want to be alone? would she drop me easily? jessica hurts me so much. and i don't stand out for her...i'm..just someone else. i almost know that she doesn't consider me a real friend. who else? there's no one in real life. and even online...ahra doesn't like getting into emotional things..gary..jose..who?! i've always been alone. and i'll always be. why can't i find someone to love? someone to hang out with whenever..someone to talk to. i hate myself so badly right now. i really want to cry. i want to sit and look outside and cry. i'm a failure at life..at living everywhere i go, i'll be alone another figure to everyone and nothing more.

i know it. when i get older when i'm alone i know i'm not going to find friends. i know im going to be alone. im so afraid of it. i'm going to sleep with people i'll just be so alone.. no one else would like me anyways...i'll just be another fuck to get affection from anyone. and i'll hate myself for it.

i have to come to the ultimate realization that i have no friends. i have no one. seriously.. who? there's no one hat really actually cares.i really want to find anyone who asks me how i'm feeling and waits for my responce. i'm selfish.